(no subject)
the circus happened, and graduation happened, and I moved out of my old house and in to my new house and worked at the yarn store and quit the yarn store and now tomorrow I am leaving for the city, to go to iceland with my family and then alone.
We dismantled 9 pine, we boxed up our home, and my college family went our separate ways. Already we are four related friendships, rather than that entity I defined myself by for two years. I said I was ready not to live with them, ready to move on, but now it feels hard. When they left, he remained- once I was a team of strong women, and now I am a straight couple. how did that happen?
How did all of this happen? Events moving too quickly through time for me to keep up. I am aching, my body is recoiling. My allergies got so bad, I was just overwhelmed with sneezing, and when it just calmed down my stomach started ACHING. Four days now, I have no appetite, food hurts going down.
Since I took my project down two months ago, I get misty eyed all the time. I am always crying. I have never been afraid to.
Transition. What are the things that are wrong and need solving, and what are the things that are naturally difficult, that will solve them selves? Maybe I just quit the yarn job because I was unhappy (though it also sucked). But there was nothing at stake there: all other decisions are huge. Like where to live, like what to do.
So much of this comes down to him: moving far away feels so much harder, phone calls can't rub your stomach as you fall asleep. This is care, we care for each other so much, and sometimes it feels like a burden. I want to tell him everything, I want to know everything, but also feel like some self-hood is gone in all this sharing.
I am pulling apart this difficulty in to two fears: gender and commitment. Trying to say 'partner', even just to myself, in order not to get hung up on that terrible word. boyfriend. that I equate with some Normality I Do Not Want To Be.
I am not my strongest self, right now
We dismantled 9 pine, we boxed up our home, and my college family went our separate ways. Already we are four related friendships, rather than that entity I defined myself by for two years. I said I was ready not to live with them, ready to move on, but now it feels hard. When they left, he remained- once I was a team of strong women, and now I am a straight couple. how did that happen?
How did all of this happen? Events moving too quickly through time for me to keep up. I am aching, my body is recoiling. My allergies got so bad, I was just overwhelmed with sneezing, and when it just calmed down my stomach started ACHING. Four days now, I have no appetite, food hurts going down.
Since I took my project down two months ago, I get misty eyed all the time. I am always crying. I have never been afraid to.
Transition. What are the things that are wrong and need solving, and what are the things that are naturally difficult, that will solve them selves? Maybe I just quit the yarn job because I was unhappy (though it also sucked). But there was nothing at stake there: all other decisions are huge. Like where to live, like what to do.
So much of this comes down to him: moving far away feels so much harder, phone calls can't rub your stomach as you fall asleep. This is care, we care for each other so much, and sometimes it feels like a burden. I want to tell him everything, I want to know everything, but also feel like some self-hood is gone in all this sharing.
I am pulling apart this difficulty in to two fears: gender and commitment. Trying to say 'partner', even just to myself, in order not to get hung up on that terrible word. boyfriend. that I equate with some Normality I Do Not Want To Be.
I am not my strongest self, right now