(no subject)
I am ill at ease with lack of anxiety
remind myself many times a day that the slownothings-going-wrong doesn't mean I-have-not-identitied-yet
yes, work is slow. so it is to spend so much time alone and in transit.
But also, work happens. space changes. accumulation (of waste, of tools, of information, of ideas) takes time.
Now I am making movies and floor plans and finding newspaper, plastic bags. reading.
The opeining is on april 12th!
I went back to the city to see my mother be honored for her community service work at the temple. I felt proud of her, approving, connected, and this felt good. I am not ALL different from her, I am different in a moving-forward way and she is trying to understand. Last night we talked all the phone, and she asked about lawry and I was actually just honest.
I think about how angry at her I was in high school and how this still continues, some deep contempt of feeling misunderstood and disrespected that makes me want to disconnect. still do- I fear taking any advice from my mother will point me away from taking risks. I don't want to end up like her, but maybe that does not mean that she is terrible, especially in that she is so attentive and focused on being a good mother. For this I am only lucky.
remind myself many times a day that the slownothings-going-wrong doesn't mean I-have-not-identitied-yet
yes, work is slow. so it is to spend so much time alone and in transit.
But also, work happens. space changes. accumulation (of waste, of tools, of information, of ideas) takes time.
Now I am making movies and floor plans and finding newspaper, plastic bags. reading.
The opeining is on april 12th!
I went back to the city to see my mother be honored for her community service work at the temple. I felt proud of her, approving, connected, and this felt good. I am not ALL different from her, I am different in a moving-forward way and she is trying to understand. Last night we talked all the phone, and she asked about lawry and I was actually just honest.
I think about how angry at her I was in high school and how this still continues, some deep contempt of feeling misunderstood and disrespected that makes me want to disconnect. still do- I fear taking any advice from my mother will point me away from taking risks. I don't want to end up like her, but maybe that does not mean that she is terrible, especially in that she is so attentive and focused on being a good mother. For this I am only lucky.