(no subject)
In vermont at Tamsin's house, long-weekend of lazy productivity, reading and writing e-mails for hours between very very new england outings to town fair, church, sterling college, cabot cheese factory.
sometimes I feel like a third wheel because she and ariana have such a connnection, but in all this is true, and so its fine.
Trying to be gently self-challenging rather than stressed out and beating myself up, because miraculously in my life right now everything is FINE- optimistic but not urgent. My studio is a mess because I am building a loft, but it is starting to feel productive because I have lots of projects up in the air and plans to throw more up soon.
This month will be a lot busier than last- next weekend to michigan to see lena, then zander comes for sheep and wool, then lawry visits, then I go to the city to perform in the halloween parade, then my brother interviews at bard, then the circus performs for day of the dead. I am trying to be present in all of this- not to just yearn ahead to lawry visiting, which is certainly the scariest thing happening to me right now by far. But even that feels like...it will be what it is. I am trying to remember that the uncertainness is not just with how he acts or thinks of me, but in what I want. Reminding myself constantly that my feelings are mixed, I am afraid of getting way too rosy-eyed and being way let down later. I am practicing content with not-knowing.
I anticipate that I will get frustrated by not having as much time in the studio, already this month I wished I had more. Maybe the time-constraints will make me work at a less leisurely pace in my studio, and I'll get just as much done! A little bit of tension always helps me accomplish more, right?
sometimes I feel like a third wheel because she and ariana have such a connnection, but in all this is true, and so its fine.
Trying to be gently self-challenging rather than stressed out and beating myself up, because miraculously in my life right now everything is FINE- optimistic but not urgent. My studio is a mess because I am building a loft, but it is starting to feel productive because I have lots of projects up in the air and plans to throw more up soon.
This month will be a lot busier than last- next weekend to michigan to see lena, then zander comes for sheep and wool, then lawry visits, then I go to the city to perform in the halloween parade, then my brother interviews at bard, then the circus performs for day of the dead. I am trying to be present in all of this- not to just yearn ahead to lawry visiting, which is certainly the scariest thing happening to me right now by far. But even that feels like...it will be what it is. I am trying to remember that the uncertainness is not just with how he acts or thinks of me, but in what I want. Reminding myself constantly that my feelings are mixed, I am afraid of getting way too rosy-eyed and being way let down later. I am practicing content with not-knowing.
I anticipate that I will get frustrated by not having as much time in the studio, already this month I wished I had more. Maybe the time-constraints will make me work at a less leisurely pace in my studio, and I'll get just as much done! A little bit of tension always helps me accomplish more, right?