(no subject)
I leave for Australia tomorrow
tomorrow tomorrow she meets me in the evening flying to to brisbane to meet me
it still felt like very far off until two nights ago
the night before, three nights ago, still scared I hadn't gotten my period, and feeling kind of sick,
it got cold, as it does at night here, and I started shivering and my head hurt and my hands shook as I brushed my teeth and shook myself in to bed and I was so worried-I'm so sick what's wrong with me I'll have to go home I'll die no I'm pregnant no but nina? I won't get to see Nina
and I think I just willed that blood out of my body, just pushed it between my legs so hard my whole body freaked out, because as soon as I got it the next afternoon I felt fine.
and that worrying done there was space to think-oh lord, I am going to see her soon soon
so nervous I do not believe I ought to follow such fancy romantic ideals as to come see her
in all of our e-mails now, all cheerful logistics, I feel so strange are you thinking this at all or are you purely, as we are both saying, excited to take an adventure with a friend
good thing: I see her for the weekend and then off to permaculture class (ostensibly, I haven't heard from them in a month. I will call tomorrow.) for two weeks, time to let whatever the reality of the feeling with her sink in. hopefully that will be a good choice.
we will see.
And so today I say goodbye to new zealand, two long narrow islands where I have been a quiet quiet nomad, making almost no impact on anyone's life but my own. It is a beautiful place and, for an american, optimistic because of how much better some basic decisions are, but also deeply scary- a better place that is slowly going worse, falling to pressure to be more and more like us.
tomorrow I leave so early in the morning that it is hardly the new day, yet. If I were in a nicer place I might just stay awake...but this hostel is very much the backpacker SCENE, all the amenities (including free internet. very nice) but too much noise and too many people, even though its no where near full here. They play pop music in the halls- of course THAT SONG came on not so long ago, as it did as soon as I walked in to the big room at the airport to collect my bag when I first arrived here. of course of course. and so, for not wanting to be a night prowler in this strangely campy plave, I will go to bed.
tomorrow tomorrow she meets me in the evening flying to to brisbane to meet me
it still felt like very far off until two nights ago
the night before, three nights ago, still scared I hadn't gotten my period, and feeling kind of sick,
it got cold, as it does at night here, and I started shivering and my head hurt and my hands shook as I brushed my teeth and shook myself in to bed and I was so worried-I'm so sick what's wrong with me I'll have to go home I'll die no I'm pregnant no but nina? I won't get to see Nina
and I think I just willed that blood out of my body, just pushed it between my legs so hard my whole body freaked out, because as soon as I got it the next afternoon I felt fine.
and that worrying done there was space to think-oh lord, I am going to see her soon soon
so nervous I do not believe I ought to follow such fancy romantic ideals as to come see her
in all of our e-mails now, all cheerful logistics, I feel so strange are you thinking this at all or are you purely, as we are both saying, excited to take an adventure with a friend
good thing: I see her for the weekend and then off to permaculture class (ostensibly, I haven't heard from them in a month. I will call tomorrow.) for two weeks, time to let whatever the reality of the feeling with her sink in. hopefully that will be a good choice.
we will see.
And so today I say goodbye to new zealand, two long narrow islands where I have been a quiet quiet nomad, making almost no impact on anyone's life but my own. It is a beautiful place and, for an american, optimistic because of how much better some basic decisions are, but also deeply scary- a better place that is slowly going worse, falling to pressure to be more and more like us.
tomorrow I leave so early in the morning that it is hardly the new day, yet. If I were in a nicer place I might just stay awake...but this hostel is very much the backpacker SCENE, all the amenities (including free internet. very nice) but too much noise and too many people, even though its no where near full here. They play pop music in the halls- of course THAT SONG came on not so long ago, as it did as soon as I walked in to the big room at the airport to collect my bag when I first arrived here. of course of course. and so, for not wanting to be a night prowler in this strangely campy plave, I will go to bed.