Theme and Variations: Largo (Bleach, 3/4)

[aishuu]

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Theme and Variations
~ A Collaboration between sophiap and aishuu ~
Fandom: Bleach
Spoiler Warning: Everything through 343 is fair game, but it's likely to be considered AU after that point.
Credit: Big, big thanks to sache for serving as a fabulous beta on this!
Posting Schedule: Every Thursday in February will have a new part posted.
Wordcount: 5,300 (this part)
Note: Part three written by aishuu. Series Index is located here.
Summary: Four vice captains try to make sense of the wreckage left in the wake of Aizen's departure from Soul Society as they remove the dead bodies from Central 46.



There is nothing harder than doing things for the first time. After you get by that fear, things come a little bit more easily, but you have to make the initial offering.

When I received the hell butterfly ordering me to help with the clean-up of the Central 46, I wondered if I should go. The butterflies had been sent out en masse to the the vice captains, and it was likely the powers-that-be hadn't considered my tentative position in the Gotei 13. It was entirely possible I hadn't been meant to receive one, but in the confusion that followed since the departures of Gin-taichou and the others, my shame had been overlooked.

I sat on my futon, trying to decide if I should go and remind them I still existed. There was the unsettled matter of my escaping from jail, along with crossing blades with two other vice captains. I hadn't meant to do anything wrong, but intentions are not what Soul Society judges. Even if I could gain Soul Society's forgiveness, I don't think I will ever forgive myself. My actions had resulted in injuring Hinamori, a girl whom I love dearly. I might just as well have stabbed her myself.

But wallowing in the "could haves" and "should haves" is unproductive, and the only way I could find out where I stood was to go out and face reality. I've faced Hollows with less fear than it took me to push my blankets back and get dressed in a clean uniform.

I'd ordered the one that I'd been wearing recently burned. Although it was still in good condition - remarkable when you considered what I'd been through over the past several days - to me it carried the stench of betrayal. I had turned my blade against another shinigami. I had defied the Gotei 13, following my captain without question. While in the past such loyalty might have been commendable, the captain I'd trusted...

No. I was still not ready to think about that.

It took me longer than usual to get dressed, since I was hyper-aware of the feel of the fabric against my skin. This uniform represented the Gotei 13, and I had once been so proud of that. But the organization was corrupt, and I wondered if I even wanted to fight to remain a member. Maybe Aizen had been right, in that we needed a real god.

My thoughts were starting to skate toward treacherous, and I bit the inside of my cheek, using the sharp sting of pain to remind myself that for the moment, I was still a vice captain. I would need to choose my path with a clear mind. Blind battle rage might work for Zaraki-taichou, but most of the best captains were the ones that kept control over their emotions.

It would be best to do nothing permanent. At least until I had a chance to think.

I finished dressing, sliding Wabisuke into his scabbard on my hip. Like a child needing reassurance, I had slept with my blade unsheathed beside me. I could feel the comforting throb of his presence, and that was what gave me the confidence I needed to step out of that first door. It was a triumph, of a sort. Every journey begins with a single step.

As I left my room, I noticed the unusual silence in the 3rd division. No matter the time of day, there's usually some activity going on - squads coming and going, cleaning or training. On rest days, there would be the boisterous sound of slightly-drunk men, which used to drive me crazy, but at that moment I would have paid a week's salary to hear.

I was all the other soldiers in the 3rd Division had. We were without a captain, which left me as the default leader. It would take a while for the missing captains to be replaced; those capable of achieving bankai are few and far between. Chances were that I'd be the only leader for the foreseeable future.

I had never had any particular ambitions to become a captain. I had simply risen because there wasn't another option, not when the power thrums inside of your skull, a constant, nagging presence that refuses to be denied. I didn't have to become a shinigami, not like Renji who was escaping from poverty. I was from a noble family, and I could have lived my life away from the struggles of Gotei 13.

But I had the ability, and I believed with my whole heart that ability is meant to be used. I've never regretted that decision, not even after facing Hollows and losing friends. The work needed to be done, and I was one of the best to handle it.

Well, I've never regretted it until this week. Maybe if I had been more like Renji I wouldn't have been so easily duped.

I passed through the gates of the 3rd's compound, noting with disappointment that the guards that were usually stationed there weren't present. I hadn't had time to draw up a roster, and no one had the initiative to cover an obvious need. Maybe that would be the first thing I would do when I returned.

Assuming I came back.

Had Hinamori heard my pessimistic thoughts, she would had slapped me gently upside the head and told me to have more faith. But she was in a coma, and neither of our captains remained for us to support. All that was left was me, and I felt too brittle to accept the weight of hope.

I didn't really notice my surroundings as I walked into the Central 46. I remembered the last time I'd been there - and how I'd trusted Gin-taichou when he said that Hinamori would not be hurt. He was a liar, I thought, for the first time mentally lashing out at the man who had abandoned me after my usefulness had faded.

Liar, liar, liar.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and wondered if I was about to panic. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, and wanted to wander off and be sick in private. It took every ounce of my willpower to keep moving forward, to do what I should. I would survive this, I promised myself.

As the two onmitsukidō stepped aside from the front door of the Center 46, I looked down into hell.

It wasn't that, really. I'd had a real peek at hell twice, when souls whom I had performed soul burials on had been too impure to pass through the gates of Soul Society. But the hell I was looking at was one I helped create. All of the dead bodies might as well rise up and accuse me of being their murderer.

I would not lose control, I told myself. I would keep going, because breaking down would serve no one.

There was only one captain around - Soi Fong, captain of the 2nd. Considering her mastery of Soul Society's information infrastructure, it was natural for her to be put in charge of this investigation. The only better choice would have been Kurotsuchi-taichou, but he was still recovering from the invasion.

Soi Fong-taichou's always impressed me as being businesslike, a bit temperamental, and entirely deadly. She wasn't facing me directly, and I decided to ask her for direction on what she wanted me to do. Best get the possible rejection out of the way immediately, and figure out how deep my disgrace went.

"Excuse me, Soi Fong-taichou," I said respectfully.

Maybe I should have waited and not interrupted. She waved a hand at her subordinates before spinning around to address me. "Start helping the others removing the bodies. You are only to handle the ones that are marked with a green or yellow tag, and you are to take them directly to the plaza in the back. Do you understand?"

She treated me like a child, and I flinched a bit inside, though I maintained my outward composure. "Yes, Soi Fong-taichou," I replied, hesitating. She seemed so angry - I wanted to ask if she was offended by my presence, if I had done wrong in answering the summons. I tried to figure out how to phrase the question without appearing like I was looking for an excuse to avoid this work.

I didn't get the chance. Her lips thinned from effort to avoid telling me exactly what she'd like me to do. However, she was a captain, and had better self-control than that. "If you cannot do the work, then leave," she said harshly. "There are too many people around here as it is." She glanced pointedly at members of the onmitsukidō.

I could take a hint. "I'm sorry, Soi Fong-taichou," I said, backing away from her. "I'll start immediately."

And that was that. She turned to one of her corps and started to talk again. She'd dismissed me from her mind, expecting I would follow her orders.

I tried to keep a strong facade, just in case anyone was watching, but I don't think I did it that well. I was tired of getting burned, tired of being abused, just plain tired of being a shinigami.

Perhaps it would be better if I returned to the Academy. They always had a need for teachers, and I would do well among their ranks. I could continue to serve, but in a capacity where my recently-developed trust issues wouldn't affect my performance. It wasn't like the students would know of my shame, although rumor would probably dog my footsteps wherever I went. But at least students wouldn't rely on me to protect them.

I was about to indulge in a full-fledge wallow when a cheerful voice assaulted me. "Droopy-kun?"

I startled, looking down to see Kusajishi standing right in front of me. She had her head tilted up with her lips forming a small little "o" of curiosity.

"What do you want, Kusajishi-san?" I asked, using a curt tone.

"You're supposed to help us clean up," she said, and this time she was pouting like the five year old she resembled. I didn't buy it - no one got to be the vice captain of the 11th without some serious kick-ass skills. Some rookies thought that Kusajishi had earned the rank by merely riding on Zaraki's shoulders - literally - but Renji had told me a story or two that made me wary of her.

"I was about to," I said shortly, not liking her reprimand even though I deserved it.

"That's good, then!" she said with a cheerful smile. "I just wanted to ask you that if you decide to go bad again, to come to me first! I didn't get to fight at all." Leave it to a member of the 11th to be upset about missing out on a fight when Soul Society was in tatters. "I think we could have fun!" She giggled, and then flickered away so quickly that I couldn't see immediately where she went.

I wasn't sure if her words were supposed to be a threat, or some kind of bizarre 11th Division compliment. I didn't want to fight anyone; I just wanted to get on with my job.

The next several hours were spent doing drudge work. Normally, I would have been more empathetic, since I was removing the bodies of the former leaders of Soul Society, but I was feeling emotionally burned out. There's only so many shocks a person can take before they shut down, and I was on the verge of that.

It was easier not to think of them as human, easier to ignore the repercussions these deaths would have. I was tired of thinking things through. It was easier to just follow orders. Never mind that's what got me into this situation in the first place.

I had just finished removing my fifth corpse when someone actually approached me. I almost jumped out of my skin when Hisagi appeared. "Yo, Kira," Hisagi said. "Glad to see you made it."

"You're probably the only one," I was unable to stop from muttering under my breath bitterly. "Hello, Hisagi-san."

There was the slightest of hesitations. "I was kind of wondering, you know. If you'd be here." His hand reached over and clapped me on the shoulder, with his usual air of friendliness completely intact. "How are you holding up, anyhow?"

It occurred to me that he had gone through the same thing I had, being betrayed by his captain. Of course, Tousen wasn't nearly the bastard Gin-taichou was - no one had seen his betrayal coming. I wondered if that made things better or worse, from Hisagi's perspective. Not that it really mattered - to a dead man, it didn't matter if he was hung or beheaded, he was still dead.

"About as well as can be expected. You?"

A faint smile formed on his face, and I realized no matter what he said, he was coping better than I. "About the same," he replied, and he glanced over at the other shinigami, to where Matsumoto and Iba were talking together, and shook his head. "They have no idea what it's like, do they?"

"No," I practically whispered, although the question had probably been meant as rhetorical. "But maybe it's better that way."

Hisagi didn't like what I was saying. "I'm not sure what you mean, Kira."

"Would you want them to know what it's like to fail so miserably?"

Hisagi sighed, and took a moment to gather his thoughts. "We did what we could. You know that, I know that. You can't listen to what anyone else says," he continued, and then a second later his thoughts caught up with his words. "Um, not that anyone's saying anything. I meant, if they were saying anything."

I winced involuntarily. Hisagi was trying to be kind, although I didn't deserve it. "I can imagine," I said, glancing over to where Matsumoto was dragging off a body nearly as large as she was.

If there was anyone who had a right to resent me, it was her. I had stopped Matsumoto, and I wondered how things would have turned out if she hadn't been delayed by my stupidity.

"I can't blame them - it's not like I didn't..." totally betray them all, I concluded mentally, but instinct told me that Hisagi would be offended if I kept insulting myself. He'd always been a good mentor, looking out for those of us who looked up to him.

He waited for a long moment for me to finish - Hisagi's always been polite, too, no matter what he dressed like - before prodding me. "Didn't what, Kira?"

"Didn't make mistakes," I finished, knowing that was close enough to the truth to pass inspection. I couldn't tell him about my despair, about the feeling I had of just wanting to disappear, or have someone demand I atone for my mistakes with my life. I wanted to be punished, but if I asked for that, I was implicating Hisagi himself. That wouldn't be fair to him.

He laughed bitterly, a harsh sound that sounded wrong coming from him. "No. Neither of us did. We were just duped."

"And ignorance is an excuse? I should have asked Gin-taichou what we were doing, not just obediently followed like a dog!" I was on the verge of yelling, which wasn't what I wanted to be doing. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that a vice captain of the Gotei 13 needed to keep their composure. "I was too trusting," I finished in a conversational tone, like I hadn't been about to have a complete nervous meltdown.

Hisagi tossed his hands in the air, obviously frustrated at my self-recrimination. "You're supposed to be able to trust your captain. If you can't trust your captain..." His hands fell to his sides as he realized exactly what my dilemma was. "It's a hell of a thing, Kira. I still can't believe they're gone."

Trust Hisagi to hit the nail on the head. I covered my face, not wanting to look him in the eyes. "Do you wish they'd taken you with them?"

I was confessing my innermost secret. I wasn't angry at Gin-taichou just for what had happened to Hinamori. I was angry at him because he hadn't taken me with him. There is nothing worse for a vice captain than for their captain finding them unworthy. I would have followed Gin-taichou to Hueco Mundo itself, because my job was to watch his back.

Hisagi took a deep breath, and I waited for his judgment to fall. If anyone had the right to punish me, it was him, because he'd actually come out of the whole Aizen catastrophe without shaming his name. He leaned in closer, and I waited for him to pronounce me a traitor to Soul Society.

"Might want to be careful who you say that to," he said to me, and the warning shocked me back to myself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I mean-" I started to stammer, realizing belatedly that he didn't deserve to hear that. Of course I had meant it, but I hadn't really... my head hurt, and I wished things could go back to the way they were, with me following the lead of Gin-taichou, and knowing someone else had to make the tough decisions. I started to shake, and I lost control of myself, blinking as I found myself kneeling. The room suddenly seemed very, very cold.

Hisagi leaned down next to me, and put his face close to mine. "You have got to hold it together, especially now, especially where everyone can see you," he said quickly, in a tone low enough that only I could hear. "C'mon Kira... you can do this. I know what it's like, I know how fucking hard it is, how fucking miserable, how much you just want to pack it all in --'cause you do, don't you?"

He was voicing my thoughts perfectly, sorting through the morass of mixed emotions with his usual insight. He crouched down in front of me, and caught my eyes with his own. "It's going to be okay, though. I'll help you, just like you helped me back in the Academy. You remember that, don't you?"

I couldn't think of anything to say to that. I stared into his eyes, seeing the compassion I didn't deserve reflecting back at me. I remembered that day he was talking of, the one where he'd lost two of his classmates and I'd been thrown into battle against a Hollow that had killed my senpai.

I had fought back then. I'd been the last to return to the battle, but I had turned back, disobeying an order because it had been the right thing to do. I had once had the courage to make the tough decisions on my own... but Hisagi reminded me there were other people I could look to. Him. Renji. Hinamori, when she recovered... and I had to believe she would.

He touched the back of my neck lightly, the feel of his fingers more solid than the nebulous memory of Gin-taichou. "Kira?" he said simply.

"Yes, senpai?" I took a deep breath, and let my hands fall to my sides. "Thank you, Hisagi-san," I said, before standing. "You're right."

I helped him to his feet, and he gave me a half-smile in return. "Course I'm right," he said, but his playful mood faded. "Everything's going to work out for the best. It may not seem like it, but it will. Trust me."

I felt my first real smile since the whole mess had happened spread across my face. "I always have," I said. I meant more than agreeing with his statement - I was reaffirming my faith in my fellow shinigami, those that served the Soul Society to the best of their abilities.

Just because Gin-taichou had turned his back on Soul Society didn't mean the people within it were worthless. There were still people I wanted to protect. Maybe I was better off without a captain that could betray us so badly.

Of course, the moment was too good to last. Moments later, Matsumoto appeared, and from her rather sharp tone of voice as she greeted me, I could tell she didn't want me around. I made a hasty excuse about needing to see Ise, and took off without looking back.

Not to be proved a liar, I went over to Ise Nanao, who was in the middle of examining one of the bodies. "Excuse me, Ise-san?" I asked softly, hoping not to startle her.

"You're in my light. What is it?" Ise asked, and she didn't even bother to look at me.

I stepped away, hoping to rectify my mistake. It would have been easier to leave right then, but I wouldn't allow myself not to at least try. Unlike Matsumoto, Ise had nothing against me personally. "I was wondering if you needed anything?"

A frown sprang to life on her face, and I realized I should have just left. "No," she said curtly. "I don't need any help. I'm in the middle of something, and need to finish it."

"Oh, um... I'm sorry," I said shakily. I gave her a slight bow of apology - which she didn't notice - and turned on my heel to leave.

"Honestly, how am I expected to get anything done?" she murmured to herself, although not so softly I couldn't hear. That was probably deliberate, a way to make sure I knew exactly what she thought of me.

I had known that what I had done was unforgivable. Ise was correct to keep her distance, because the taint of dishonor can carry to other shinigami. I had been an idiot to come here, an idiot to think that I was still needed. Gin-taichou had seen what was in me, and judged me disposable.

I glanced over at Hisagi, now joking with Matsumoto, and tried not to feel left out. It would be best if I got to work. If I kept myself busy, I could pretend things were all right, and that Hisagi was right. Things were going to work out the way they needed to.

I dragged another body out, the process making my brain comfortably numb. My sense of smell had deserted me hours before. Most of the bodies had been removed, and the end of our task was in sight. I knelt down beside another victim, looking up with surprise as Matsumoto came within arm's reach. She nodded at me in a non-hostile fashion, collected a body, and left.

The experience threw me for yet another loop, like I didn't already have enough to deal with. There's no man in Soul Society that can remain completely oblivious to Matsumoto. She's beautiful and fun, and the way she dresses draws the eye. When I'd first started out in the 5th, I'd entertained a fantasy or two about eventually working with her. When I moved over to the 3rd, though, I'd dashed any hope of doing that, since Gin-taichou made it quite clear that Matsumoto was a valued "friend" of his.

The last couple days reinforced the belief that she's also highly qualified for her position. Women have to work twice as hard to advance within the divisions, which means they're twice as competent. While rumor had it she liked to party, the skills she had displayed with her sword indicated she also knew how to work.

Having her beside me was confusing. I wondered if Hisagi had goaded her to approach me, but dismissed the idea almost immediately. No one - not even Ichimaru Gin - could make Matsumoto do anything. That's what made her truly special.

Strange, I thought, before returning my attention to what I had been doing. I knelt before the body of the obese man, staring down without really seeing him as a person. Moving him was going to be a trick, and it was going to be messy. At this point in the decomposition process, nasty things happened when the corpse was shifted.

"Need a bit of help?" a voice asked, and I jerked as I realized that Matsumoto had actually returned to work beside me again.

I agreed, feeling my tongue tie in knots even as I accepted. I wondered what she wanted with me.

We managed to remove the dead aide, and then she suggested we get something to drink. I agreed again, following along like her lapdog. I noticed Iba give me a thumbs-up on the way, obviously thinking that I was about to get to first base.

Hardly. All I could think about was the fact she had known Gin-taichou. Maybe she could let me know where I had failed. Broaching the subject was delicate, and she looked affronted when I mentioned I'd heard the stories about them.

"I didn't think you were the type to dig up old gossip, Kira," she said. I wondered if she was going to stalk off in annoyance, and I wouldn't have blamed her if she had.

"I just... I wanted to know what he was like, before," I told her.

Her eyes softened. "He was Gin," she told me. "He's never been any more or any less than himself." She paused for a long moment to collect her thoughts, and then started to tell me their history. "We met in Rukongai, back when we were both children. He saved my life - I hadn't understood why I was so thirsty, and no one was going out of their way to help a starving brat," she said with an ironic smile. "Except Gin."

I had never known Gin-taichou to do anything for the sake of kindness. He had always had ulterior motives, but as Matsumoto talked about her childhood, and my captain, I realized that something had happened to change him.

Maybe that something was Aizen.

It would be comfortable to believe that Aizen's illusions had swayed my captain. It would be comfortable, but it wouldn't be accurate, since Matsumoto painted a picture of a man who'd always known what he wanted.

Unfortunately, what he wanted wasn't the best for Soul Society. I could see the pain in her face as she talked about her early days in the Gotei 13, and how she had valued their friendship. Looking at her made me realize Gin-taichou had really been an idiot - I couldn't tell if they had been lovers or not, but that didn't matter. Only an idiot would have rejected having a woman like Matsumoto in his life.

I could have listened to her forever, but Soi Fong noticed our preoccupation, and sent Omaeda to put me back to work. Soi Fong was still annoyed at me, and I decided it would be best to just agree. To my surprise, Matsumoto accepted my request for help. I was starting to relax in her presence, to feel that bond of camaraderie that made the Gotei 13 worthwhile.

We headed toward the back rooms, which had been analyzed by Nemu earlier. It wasn't a surprise no one had done the actual cleaning yet, since there had been enough death in the main chamber. Something felt off about being here, like invading a holy sanctuary.

Matsumoto noticed my unease. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm just being cautious," I told her.

"What are you so afraid of?" she asked.

It was a question I'd been dreading even since Gin-taichou had left, but she deserved the truth. "Myself," I whispered.

She started to open the door. I wished I could see her expression, to see if she was ready to condemn me for my weakness. "Really, Kira-" she started to say, but then stopped. Her entire demeanor shifted, and suddenly I wasn't her focus, nor was she mine.

We both felt it at the same time, a sickening reitsu that shouldn't have been in Seireitei, much less the Central 46. There was a Hollow here, and it meant to attack.

We were both vice captains, though, and our shock didn't keep us from reacting with split-second timing. "Growl, Haineko!" Matsumoto called even as she unsheathed her blade, and Haineko dissolved into the ash which had defeated me.

She had point, and I fell back a step, drawing Wabisuke and standing a half-foot behind her in support. I didn't summon my shikai, though, because I didn't want to get in her way. It would be an insult to her if I butted in, implying that she couldn't handle the battle on her own.

Matsumoto stood there, and her shikai started to slash the Hollow. Her pale eyes were narrowed as she willed her weapon to work. Cuts - but no blood - started to appear on the thing's thin, eel-like form. The thing shrieked, an inhuman sound that made me want to cover my ears. I had faced plenty of Hollows in my time with the Gotei 13, but I hoped Matsumoto would work faster.

There was something wrong about this Hollow, something that went beyond the normal revulsion I felt from being in the presence of a corrupted soul. I was too experienced to just freeze in horror, but I couldn't help notice something very, very odd.

The Hollow's mask was cracked.

It was an unwritten rule never to look at a Hollow's face for fear of seeing what lay behind it. My breath caught, but I didn't have time look away, before Matsumoto yelled something, sending Haineko's fury right at that weakness.

Blood spurted along the crack in the mask, and the Hollow let out one more scream, one that almost sounded human. Then it shuddered, fell to the floor with a sickening plop, and lay there until the twitching stopped. Had we been in the mortal realm, it would have dissolve, but in Soul Society, it had a more substantial existence.

I looked at Matsumoto, who was regathering her blade. She tossed her hair over her shoulder in a flippant gesture, but her eyes were still dangerous. "Looks like Aizen decided to leave a farewell present," she said. "How thoughtful. Too bad we can't return it to him."

If the Hollow had been intended as a threat from Aizen, a warning that he could still haunt us even without actually being present, it had the opposite effect on me. The surge of adrenalin, the sudden reminder that Gin's leaving hadn't been the end of danger, had fortified my resolve.

At that moment, I made the mental commitment to start training for bankai. The 3rd wasn't going to need a new captain, because I was going to step into that position. I would lead my division as it should be led. I would be strong, stronger than Gin ever had been, because I wouldn't give into temptation to put my own power above the needs of my people.

The revelation both lifted the weight of guilt from my shoulders, while adding the pressure of responsibility. I felt changed, forged by new purpose. I would walk this road, I promised myself. I would walk the path to captaincy without fear. I had done nothing wrong believing in my captain - that was as it should be.

It was Gin who was the traitor.

I was almost surprised when Matsumoto spoke, amazed that she hadn't realized the transformation I had just undergone. "Are you alright?" Matsumoto asked, and her eyes were beautiful with their concern for me.

"No," I replied, "but I will be."

I am the wielder of Wabisuke, and it's others who end up on their knees before me to apologize, not the other way around. One day, I would make Gin apologize for what he had done to Soul Society, Hinamori, and Matsumoto... and to me.