winter memoirs [tezukaxsaeki, #03]
title: Winter Memoirs
author: yumeyana
rating: PG-13
genre: drama, angst and a ting of sap
theme: 03, jolt!
summary: Winter was colder than ever but there was a point in time that winter had become Tezuka's spring. Could that happan again?
Author’s Notes: It’s been long, I know, but I’ve been busy with RL situations. I hope that I still have you reading and that your interest hasn’t waned. Happy reading and tell me what you think, ne?
Fic Notes: This chapter will have two timelines: (1) the present, and (2) the past. If you have been reading this series from the start, you will remember what happened in the prologue. You will know when the timeline shifts; it always shifts after the song insert.
Disclaimers: Tennis no Oujisama and all its characters (and the song I used) belong to Konomi-sensei. Only the plot is mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III
Chapter Ten: Winter Memoirs
He watched as the snow flakes slowly fell, like rain from the sky. The seasons had gone by without him appreciating each and before he knew it, it was already winter.
He watched Fuji toss a snow ball at Atobe, the latter tossing some back. Saeki had joined in and teamed up with his childhood friend, leaving the former Hyotei buchou to defend himself alone. His cousin had been trying to catch his eye to say something but he remained in the sidelines as if he hadn’t seen anything at all.
Tezuka remembered a winter like this one years ago. And unlike the bitter coldness that surrounded him now, that winter had become his spring - a birth of something new.
___You’d probably laugh
If I told you how I feel
My noisy heart is trembling
As I search for a response___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
It was a few years after Sanada had broken up with the silver haired, a few months before their college graduation. Saeki had dragged him out of the apartment they shared and told him that there were snowballs waiting to be thrown. Tezuka wasn’t particularly fond of winter, the temperature freezing up his muscles a little. Sure, the shoulder had healed but it was still weak at some points.
“I have an exam after the holidays, Kojiroh. I don’t have time to play.”
“Just a few hours, Mit-chan. Besides, I’ve already told Syu and Keigo we’re coming.”
“That really is a hideous nickname.”
“It’s cute. You need to loosen up, y’know. Haven’t I influenced you enough in all the years we’ve spent together under one roof?”
“You talk as if we have something going on.”
Tezuka had been accepted at Hokkaido Daigaku to study Economics while Saeki was accepted at Hokkaido Tokai Daigaku to study Design. Instead of living in the dormitories, they agreed on renting an apartment. It was only reasonable after all.
Leaving Tokyo had been a wise decision. It might’ve been called ‘running away’ but it was best to move out of the place which reminded Saeki so much of the reason for his aching heart. Tezuka knew that the silver haired one had not yet forgotten Sanada but at least, he had moved on.
With his help, of course.
It was heartbreaking, Tezuka wouldn’t deny it, to be living under one roof with the person you knew would never love you. But Saeki was still recuperating. And it wouldn’t help if he’d take advantage of their situation.
Saeki would’ve laughed at him if he told him how he felt. He would’ve patted his back and thanked him for letting him know that he was loved. It was something comforting especially if Tezuka was the one to say it, he’d tease.
No. Saeki wouldn’t be taking it seriously.
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
There was something in Tezuka’s eyes, he could see; something wistful. Those chocolate orbs were more wistful than usual.
Was there something special about today, Saeki wanted to ask. Tezuka would probably give him a small smile and shake his head. He would say nothing about anything and Saeki would not pry further.
He was only hurting Tezuka.
He wanted to remember, dammit. He wanted to remember why this man was so special to him. He wanted to remember why this man cared for him so much, why those eyes looked at him softly. He wanted to remember Tezuka and erase that sad, wistful look.
But try as he could, he remembered nothing about Tezuka and the role he once played in Saeki’s life.
It was unfair, Tezuka always thought, that Saeki could remember who Fuji was, who Atobe was. And yet, he could not remember who Tezuka was.
Of all people, why him?
Why was Saeki blocking off the memories they shared? Were they too painful, too traumatic?
He wanted to tell Saeki how he felt, how important he was in his life. He wanted to ask him to retrieve his memories; tell him to stop blocking everything off. He wanted him back; couldn’t Saeki at least see that? Couldn’t Saeki at least feel that?
But like before, he couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t tell Saeki how he felt.
He was a coward, wasn’t he? But the doctors told him that only if silver haired wanted to will he remember everything. It was no use prodding him; it would only make him close up more.
___It’s just, I want to laugh with you.
It’s just, I want to be spending time with you.
I always want to be by your side.___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
He could actually just tell Saeki he was serious, could he not? Then proceed to telling him he had been stupid and blind for not realizing - for not seeing - that all these years, it had been him who was there through it all.
But that could ruin everything they had - the friendship they shared. He didn’t want that.
For now, he could settle for this - laughing with him, playing in the snow with him, Fuji and Atobe. He could settle for this and stand in the sidelines and wait.
At least it was him who had Saeki by his side and not Sanada.
There was this warm and indescribable feeling that filled him every time Tezuka smiled, whether his way or not. He wanted to tell Fuji - ask him what he was feeling - but whenever he tried to, he just couldn’t find the words.
Was it love? Had he fallen in love with Tezuka?
He didn’t know.
But it was kinda like what Dana Scully said in one of the episodes in X Files. “One day, you’ll look at a person and see more than you did the day before, like a switch was flickered somewhere.” There was something more after that but he couldn’t remember what it was…
It was true, he knew. Tezuka was more than just a friend now. He meant more than Fuji meant to him, that he was sure. The tensai was practically - and legally - his brother.
Tezuka was different.
“I thought we came here to throw snowballs…”
“We are going to do that but let’s wait for the couple to come. It’s more fun when all of us are here.”
“You mean it’s messier.”
“Fun, Kunimitsu. Fun. Do you even know what that word means?”
“I think we don’t share the same dictionary.”
Saeki grinned and pulled Tezuka down to the ground where he was making a snow angel. So what if they destroyed the beautiful masterpiece he had been painstakingly making? The expression on Tezuka’s face was worth it.
“KOJI-!!”
“I’ll show you mine, then.”
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
Something was stinging in his eyes and he knew it would break out any minute. He stood from his seat, trying to get back in the house as naturally fast as he could. He couldn’t let the others see him crying. It won’t do any good to any of them.
He knew the tears shouldn’t be there; he should be strong for Saeki.
But…
It hurt. It really hurt.
He wanted to rush towards the house; he knew something was wrong. He could feel it. Something was hurting Tezuka and he could only guess what it was.
Or who.
But if he did rush inside, what could he do?
He remembered nothing. He would only hurt Tezuka by trying to comfort him and hold him close.
___If all of the world is crying,
I will smile for your sake.
When you shed tears of sorrow,
I will hold you close.
Words just cannot express
Just how much I feel about you
Within my heart, softly, like a spot of sunshine
A gentle wind blows.___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
“Kojiroh, you are going to pay for the dry cleaning of this coat I’m wearing.”
Saeki laughed. “It’s worth it.”
“It’s going to cost you a lot, mind you.”
There was something there that he couldn’t put his finger on. Something cute about that pout, about how Tezuka struggled to stand and get the snow off his face and coat. It was as if he was seeing the coffee haired one for the first time, observing everything he did.
This was the man who took time to listen to him, a voice in his mind suddenly said. This was the man who was always there whenever he needed him; the man who welcomed him home everyday with a smile he rarely gave anyone else. This was the man who…
“…And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with…”
His eyes widened, but he knew that the last sentence in Dana Scully’s speech was the one that had been lacking. The one that actually answered whatever he was going to ask Fuji.
The sentence fit.
“Kunimitsu…” he called as he stood.
“What?”
“Mistletoe.”
“Wha-”
Tezuka’s eyes widened, completely surprised to find Saeki’s lips pressed to his. This wasn’t a friendly kiss or a kiss that Saeki and the tensai usually shared whenever they met. This was something that made his heart want to jolt out of his chest, make his cheeks red.
But he couldn’t think anymore. His body was moving on its own accord; his eyes closing, hands going around Saeki’s waist. It was for support but he wasn’t sure for whose it was.
And frankly, he didn’t care.
Saeki was grinning at him.
“There’s no mistletoe, baka. We’re on open space.”
“I know.”
“Why did you kiss me then? There’s no reason to suddenly grab me and kiss me.”
“Uh, the mistletoe was an excuse but not my reason.”
“So you actually have a reason?”
“Because I realized something just now.”
“And that involves you kissing me?”
“Yeah…”
“Uh-huh…”
“I realized that I can’t see things when they’re up close.”
“So you’re myopic and you kiss me? You need an ophthalmologist, not a kiss.”
The silver haired shook his head, absolutely amused. “You’re cute.”
“C-cute?” What was cute about his heart racing a hundred miles per hour? What was cute about how red his cheeks might be? What was cute about anything that was taking place now?!
“You we’re always beside me, so close, and I never realized just how much you meant to me.
“I didn’t realize it until that moment before I kissed you.”
His heart, that had been racing just a while ago, suddenly stopped. Was Saeki saying what he thought he was saying?
“I love you, Kunimitsu. That’s what I realized.”
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
There was no use crying and wanting to bring back that time when Saeki finally took time to look at the sidelines. Saeki was still with him, wasn’t he? At least he didn’t …
Tezuka breathed in deep, willing his composure back. It was supposed to be a happy memory, not a sad one. He was supposed to smile whenever he remembered it, not cry.
[Stop it, Kunimitsu. You need to go out now or else they’d get suspicious.]
“Oi, Mit-chan!” hollered Saeki.
His heart stopped, eyes widening and hopeful. That nickname he used… had Saeki finally remembered?
The silver haired grinned widely and threw a snowball at him, hitting him dead on his face. He blinked. What just happened?
“Snowballs are meant to be thrown, y’know. It’s not fun if you just stare at us while we play.”
Saeki watched as Tezuka’s eyes slowly become downcast then softened. He knew that the latter probably thought that he had remembered something; the nickname he just called Tezuka must’ve been something special to both of them before.
But he hadn’t and the only thing he could do now was keep a smile on the other’s face. Even if the smile was still a little sad and wistful. Someday, he thought. Someday, he would be able to make Tezuka smile as if his heart was bursting with happiness.
Until then, he would hold his hand. Until then, he would try and remember just who Tezuka was in his life.
Until then, Tezuka thought, he would wait for the day Saeki would realize it again.
“I love you, Kunimitsu.”
.tsuzuku
.03sept05
.01:16p
.2015words
author: yumeyana
rating: PG-13
genre: drama, angst and a ting of sap
theme: 03, jolt!
summary: Winter was colder than ever but there was a point in time that winter had become Tezuka's spring. Could that happan again?
Author’s Notes: It’s been long, I know, but I’ve been busy with RL situations. I hope that I still have you reading and that your interest hasn’t waned. Happy reading and tell me what you think, ne?
Fic Notes: This chapter will have two timelines: (1) the present, and (2) the past. If you have been reading this series from the start, you will remember what happened in the prologue. You will know when the timeline shifts; it always shifts after the song insert.
Disclaimers: Tennis no Oujisama and all its characters (and the song I used) belong to Konomi-sensei. Only the plot is mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III
Chapter Ten: Winter Memoirs
He watched as the snow flakes slowly fell, like rain from the sky. The seasons had gone by without him appreciating each and before he knew it, it was already winter.
He watched Fuji toss a snow ball at Atobe, the latter tossing some back. Saeki had joined in and teamed up with his childhood friend, leaving the former Hyotei buchou to defend himself alone. His cousin had been trying to catch his eye to say something but he remained in the sidelines as if he hadn’t seen anything at all.
Tezuka remembered a winter like this one years ago. And unlike the bitter coldness that surrounded him now, that winter had become his spring - a birth of something new.
___You’d probably laugh
If I told you how I feel
My noisy heart is trembling
As I search for a response___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
It was a few years after Sanada had broken up with the silver haired, a few months before their college graduation. Saeki had dragged him out of the apartment they shared and told him that there were snowballs waiting to be thrown. Tezuka wasn’t particularly fond of winter, the temperature freezing up his muscles a little. Sure, the shoulder had healed but it was still weak at some points.
“I have an exam after the holidays, Kojiroh. I don’t have time to play.”
“Just a few hours, Mit-chan. Besides, I’ve already told Syu and Keigo we’re coming.”
“That really is a hideous nickname.”
“It’s cute. You need to loosen up, y’know. Haven’t I influenced you enough in all the years we’ve spent together under one roof?”
“You talk as if we have something going on.”
Tezuka had been accepted at Hokkaido Daigaku to study Economics while Saeki was accepted at Hokkaido Tokai Daigaku to study Design. Instead of living in the dormitories, they agreed on renting an apartment. It was only reasonable after all.
Leaving Tokyo had been a wise decision. It might’ve been called ‘running away’ but it was best to move out of the place which reminded Saeki so much of the reason for his aching heart. Tezuka knew that the silver haired one had not yet forgotten Sanada but at least, he had moved on.
With his help, of course.
It was heartbreaking, Tezuka wouldn’t deny it, to be living under one roof with the person you knew would never love you. But Saeki was still recuperating. And it wouldn’t help if he’d take advantage of their situation.
Saeki would’ve laughed at him if he told him how he felt. He would’ve patted his back and thanked him for letting him know that he was loved. It was something comforting especially if Tezuka was the one to say it, he’d tease.
No. Saeki wouldn’t be taking it seriously.
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
There was something in Tezuka’s eyes, he could see; something wistful. Those chocolate orbs were more wistful than usual.
Was there something special about today, Saeki wanted to ask. Tezuka would probably give him a small smile and shake his head. He would say nothing about anything and Saeki would not pry further.
He was only hurting Tezuka.
He wanted to remember, dammit. He wanted to remember why this man was so special to him. He wanted to remember why this man cared for him so much, why those eyes looked at him softly. He wanted to remember Tezuka and erase that sad, wistful look.
But try as he could, he remembered nothing about Tezuka and the role he once played in Saeki’s life.
It was unfair, Tezuka always thought, that Saeki could remember who Fuji was, who Atobe was. And yet, he could not remember who Tezuka was.
Of all people, why him?
Why was Saeki blocking off the memories they shared? Were they too painful, too traumatic?
He wanted to tell Saeki how he felt, how important he was in his life. He wanted to ask him to retrieve his memories; tell him to stop blocking everything off. He wanted him back; couldn’t Saeki at least see that? Couldn’t Saeki at least feel that?
But like before, he couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t tell Saeki how he felt.
He was a coward, wasn’t he? But the doctors told him that only if silver haired wanted to will he remember everything. It was no use prodding him; it would only make him close up more.
___It’s just, I want to laugh with you.
It’s just, I want to be spending time with you.
I always want to be by your side.___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
He could actually just tell Saeki he was serious, could he not? Then proceed to telling him he had been stupid and blind for not realizing - for not seeing - that all these years, it had been him who was there through it all.
But that could ruin everything they had - the friendship they shared. He didn’t want that.
For now, he could settle for this - laughing with him, playing in the snow with him, Fuji and Atobe. He could settle for this and stand in the sidelines and wait.
At least it was him who had Saeki by his side and not Sanada.
There was this warm and indescribable feeling that filled him every time Tezuka smiled, whether his way or not. He wanted to tell Fuji - ask him what he was feeling - but whenever he tried to, he just couldn’t find the words.
Was it love? Had he fallen in love with Tezuka?
He didn’t know.
But it was kinda like what Dana Scully said in one of the episodes in X Files. “One day, you’ll look at a person and see more than you did the day before, like a switch was flickered somewhere.” There was something more after that but he couldn’t remember what it was…
It was true, he knew. Tezuka was more than just a friend now. He meant more than Fuji meant to him, that he was sure. The tensai was practically - and legally - his brother.
Tezuka was different.
“I thought we came here to throw snowballs…”
“We are going to do that but let’s wait for the couple to come. It’s more fun when all of us are here.”
“You mean it’s messier.”
“Fun, Kunimitsu. Fun. Do you even know what that word means?”
“I think we don’t share the same dictionary.”
Saeki grinned and pulled Tezuka down to the ground where he was making a snow angel. So what if they destroyed the beautiful masterpiece he had been painstakingly making? The expression on Tezuka’s face was worth it.
“KOJI-!!”
“I’ll show you mine, then.”
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
Something was stinging in his eyes and he knew it would break out any minute. He stood from his seat, trying to get back in the house as naturally fast as he could. He couldn’t let the others see him crying. It won’t do any good to any of them.
He knew the tears shouldn’t be there; he should be strong for Saeki.
But…
It hurt. It really hurt.
He wanted to rush towards the house; he knew something was wrong. He could feel it. Something was hurting Tezuka and he could only guess what it was.
Or who.
But if he did rush inside, what could he do?
He remembered nothing. He would only hurt Tezuka by trying to comfort him and hold him close.
___If all of the world is crying,
I will smile for your sake.
When you shed tears of sorrow,
I will hold you close.
Words just cannot express
Just how much I feel about you
Within my heart, softly, like a spot of sunshine
A gentle wind blows.___
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
“Kojiroh, you are going to pay for the dry cleaning of this coat I’m wearing.”
Saeki laughed. “It’s worth it.”
“It’s going to cost you a lot, mind you.”
There was something there that he couldn’t put his finger on. Something cute about that pout, about how Tezuka struggled to stand and get the snow off his face and coat. It was as if he was seeing the coffee haired one for the first time, observing everything he did.
This was the man who took time to listen to him, a voice in his mind suddenly said. This was the man who was always there whenever he needed him; the man who welcomed him home everyday with a smile he rarely gave anyone else. This was the man who…
“…And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with…”
His eyes widened, but he knew that the last sentence in Dana Scully’s speech was the one that had been lacking. The one that actually answered whatever he was going to ask Fuji.
The sentence fit.
“Kunimitsu…” he called as he stood.
“What?”
“Mistletoe.”
“Wha-”
Tezuka’s eyes widened, completely surprised to find Saeki’s lips pressed to his. This wasn’t a friendly kiss or a kiss that Saeki and the tensai usually shared whenever they met. This was something that made his heart want to jolt out of his chest, make his cheeks red.
But he couldn’t think anymore. His body was moving on its own accord; his eyes closing, hands going around Saeki’s waist. It was for support but he wasn’t sure for whose it was.
And frankly, he didn’t care.
Saeki was grinning at him.
“There’s no mistletoe, baka. We’re on open space.”
“I know.”
“Why did you kiss me then? There’s no reason to suddenly grab me and kiss me.”
“Uh, the mistletoe was an excuse but not my reason.”
“So you actually have a reason?”
“Because I realized something just now.”
“And that involves you kissing me?”
“Yeah…”
“Uh-huh…”
“I realized that I can’t see things when they’re up close.”
“So you’re myopic and you kiss me? You need an ophthalmologist, not a kiss.”
The silver haired shook his head, absolutely amused. “You’re cute.”
“C-cute?” What was cute about his heart racing a hundred miles per hour? What was cute about how red his cheeks might be? What was cute about anything that was taking place now?!
“You we’re always beside me, so close, and I never realized just how much you meant to me.
“I didn’t realize it until that moment before I kissed you.”
His heart, that had been racing just a while ago, suddenly stopped. Was Saeki saying what he thought he was saying?
“I love you, Kunimitsu. That’s what I realized.”
_____0o0o0o0o0o0o0_____
There was no use crying and wanting to bring back that time when Saeki finally took time to look at the sidelines. Saeki was still with him, wasn’t he? At least he didn’t …
Tezuka breathed in deep, willing his composure back. It was supposed to be a happy memory, not a sad one. He was supposed to smile whenever he remembered it, not cry.
[Stop it, Kunimitsu. You need to go out now or else they’d get suspicious.]
“Oi, Mit-chan!” hollered Saeki.
His heart stopped, eyes widening and hopeful. That nickname he used… had Saeki finally remembered?
The silver haired grinned widely and threw a snowball at him, hitting him dead on his face. He blinked. What just happened?
“Snowballs are meant to be thrown, y’know. It’s not fun if you just stare at us while we play.”
Saeki watched as Tezuka’s eyes slowly become downcast then softened. He knew that the latter probably thought that he had remembered something; the nickname he just called Tezuka must’ve been something special to both of them before.
But he hadn’t and the only thing he could do now was keep a smile on the other’s face. Even if the smile was still a little sad and wistful. Someday, he thought. Someday, he would be able to make Tezuka smile as if his heart was bursting with happiness.
Until then, he would hold his hand. Until then, he would try and remember just who Tezuka was in his life.
Until then, Tezuka thought, he would wait for the day Saeki would realize it again.
“I love you, Kunimitsu.”
.tsuzuku
.03sept05
.01:16p
.2015words