(no subject)
i feel depressed. not like, "oh, rough day..." but the kind of depressed where for the past year you've isolated yourself from nearly everyone you know. (i only answer one person's calls consistently.) where you spend your life in bed so you don't have to face the world. constant exhaustion and no motivation. i let time dissolve while i waste it waiting to go to work or until it's time to sleep again. and i hoard an inexhaustible number of secrets i think as so shameful that if spoken aloud, the world would begin to think of me as i already think of myself. i have always been somewhat freakishly secretive (but am trying to get over this and have opened up a lot in the past to my closest friends). it's hard for me to concentrate or find joy in the activities i used to be passionate about and bouts of sobbing bubble up for no apparent reason from time to time.
i called my mother today. since i ignore everyone's calls, including my family's, i only found out today that she was in a three car collision a few weeks ago and was rushed to the emergency room. she called me then, and couldn't get in touch. she couldn't get in touch with anyone. and to think that at that moment, i was probably looking at my telephone, and turning the volume off. i feel...ineffable guilt pertaining to this matter.
it is exhausting to be so afraid of life and to hide things from everyone. because it's so hard, i mostly cut off contact so i don't have to take the effort of putting up a front and lying to those i care about. i am pleasant and cheerful with acquaintances, it's easy when you don't have to see them or know them in any substantial way.
i talked to my father as well today. his voice was unforgiving and bitter.
about a week ago, i went through a stage of total elation because i told myself i was going to stop being afraid and do what i always wanted to do. i was going to drop out of school and move to alaska. but steadily, the taps from reality became ever more stiff and sharp, until it was hammering my limbs down to wooden seattle piers and old university buildings.
i have to get out of this, i mean, i really know i need help. i need help so that i can start having a life worth living...so that i can finish school and finally remove that familial yoke. i just want to finish school...it's the last thing i feel i must do in order to make my parents feel as if they've accomplished their job. i know that i'll never measure up to the achievements of my sister, and i'll never have her sanity, but if i finish school, i can stop feeling guilty for making them put up with me my entire life. i was always such a troublemaker...and i haven't stopped being one...i've just learned to hide it better.
i called my mother today. since i ignore everyone's calls, including my family's, i only found out today that she was in a three car collision a few weeks ago and was rushed to the emergency room. she called me then, and couldn't get in touch. she couldn't get in touch with anyone. and to think that at that moment, i was probably looking at my telephone, and turning the volume off. i feel...ineffable guilt pertaining to this matter.
it is exhausting to be so afraid of life and to hide things from everyone. because it's so hard, i mostly cut off contact so i don't have to take the effort of putting up a front and lying to those i care about. i am pleasant and cheerful with acquaintances, it's easy when you don't have to see them or know them in any substantial way.
i talked to my father as well today. his voice was unforgiving and bitter.
about a week ago, i went through a stage of total elation because i told myself i was going to stop being afraid and do what i always wanted to do. i was going to drop out of school and move to alaska. but steadily, the taps from reality became ever more stiff and sharp, until it was hammering my limbs down to wooden seattle piers and old university buildings.
i have to get out of this, i mean, i really know i need help. i need help so that i can start having a life worth living...so that i can finish school and finally remove that familial yoke. i just want to finish school...it's the last thing i feel i must do in order to make my parents feel as if they've accomplished their job. i know that i'll never measure up to the achievements of my sister, and i'll never have her sanity, but if i finish school, i can stop feeling guilty for making them put up with me my entire life. i was always such a troublemaker...and i haven't stopped being one...i've just learned to hide it better.