(no subject)
Things are pretty crazy right now.
I get so stressed, so easily, although this week has been very stressful. With my cousin's death, as well as a few other things...it's like I'm totally wiped.
I feel so different, all the time. I feel really...different from everything. I want to feel like I used to, but I don't know if that was "better"...maybe just more comfortable or something...
It's hard...my thoughts are so broad, and just...incomprehensive. They don't mean anything. They're like floating words that might mean something...but they're more like a feeling than anything.
It's hard to explain myself...
I feel really uncomfortable a lot of the time...and dizzy...it's like I feel really unimpressive, or like I'm letting everyone down...and I'm real suspicious...it's like I don't trust people...I feel that I should be more trusting, that way, I can be more understanding...I know people aren't out to get me, but it kinda feels that way sometimes...
I just want to be able to not even think these things. I want to be like Crono, from Chrono Trigger, this silent, un-needing person that just helps and contributes to the benefit of others...I don't want to feel like I need something all the time, or like I'm missing something...
I feel so stretched out and thin...that's a good way to put it...nothing's in perspective, and everything feels wrong, and like a waste of effort...
I wish I could just let myself relax and unwind...or maybe wind up even...wind up the reason so I can just relax...
I don't want to be insecure, or afraid, and hopefully I won't be for much longer. I'm really beginning to think about when it all started, and how I can reach back into my past and patch up whatever it is that needs to be patched up...
The need to be liked, loved, and appreciated constantly...it's killing me...why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I acheive? It's like I tear myself up if no one notices. I guess I rely too much on others to tell me what's right...I should feel justified on my own, and with God...I'm a good person...I need to believe that...I treat myself so harshly, maybe because I depend too much on people to tell me that I'm good...
I have an awesome friend in Brian...he's a real role model of mine...he's humble to such a respectable extreme...not a false humble, but he sincerely cares for the needs of others, and is fufilled in just making someone else's heart glad. He's not selfish whatsoever...I think when people isolate themselves from others, they become selfish...they can't connect with someone, they can't feel what they feel, and share what they feel with them, so it becomes you against everything else...there's nothing to do but be selfish...
Maybe if I open up and just let it all show I can learn to be unselfish...I can learn to respect people more openly, be more forgiving, more loving, less insecure...
I just want everyone to be happy...at rest...I want people to look at me and be able to trust me, rely on me, and respect me...but I don't think I'm worthy of that yet perhaps...
I'm really not sure...writing all this helped, though...
...
Man...
It's a crazy world...life is so complex, and full of ideas, and thinking...everyone see's the world differently, and I really think the beauty in it all is that even though we see through different eyes, we share some similarities...
Brian, Josh, Joe, David, Vance...Loretta...they're the best friends I've ever had...my other family...I love them so much, and I really hope the best for them, all the time...I hope I can be strong for you guys...I hope I can understand, and be good to you...
Loretta...if you read this, I hope you know how much I love you...and how much you mean...you've altered me and changed me into something I can say I'm pretty proud of...you're a real live-saver...I hope one day we can just talk about everything...and I hope I can keep you happy, and safe...
Life is just too short, and too sacred to let it be fettered with anger and hurtful things...
...I love...
I get so stressed, so easily, although this week has been very stressful. With my cousin's death, as well as a few other things...it's like I'm totally wiped.
I feel so different, all the time. I feel really...different from everything. I want to feel like I used to, but I don't know if that was "better"...maybe just more comfortable or something...
It's hard...my thoughts are so broad, and just...incomprehensive. They don't mean anything. They're like floating words that might mean something...but they're more like a feeling than anything.
It's hard to explain myself...
I feel really uncomfortable a lot of the time...and dizzy...it's like I feel really unimpressive, or like I'm letting everyone down...and I'm real suspicious...it's like I don't trust people...I feel that I should be more trusting, that way, I can be more understanding...I know people aren't out to get me, but it kinda feels that way sometimes...
I just want to be able to not even think these things. I want to be like Crono, from Chrono Trigger, this silent, un-needing person that just helps and contributes to the benefit of others...I don't want to feel like I need something all the time, or like I'm missing something...
I feel so stretched out and thin...that's a good way to put it...nothing's in perspective, and everything feels wrong, and like a waste of effort...
I wish I could just let myself relax and unwind...or maybe wind up even...wind up the reason so I can just relax...
I don't want to be insecure, or afraid, and hopefully I won't be for much longer. I'm really beginning to think about when it all started, and how I can reach back into my past and patch up whatever it is that needs to be patched up...
The need to be liked, loved, and appreciated constantly...it's killing me...why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I acheive? It's like I tear myself up if no one notices. I guess I rely too much on others to tell me what's right...I should feel justified on my own, and with God...I'm a good person...I need to believe that...I treat myself so harshly, maybe because I depend too much on people to tell me that I'm good...
I have an awesome friend in Brian...he's a real role model of mine...he's humble to such a respectable extreme...not a false humble, but he sincerely cares for the needs of others, and is fufilled in just making someone else's heart glad. He's not selfish whatsoever...I think when people isolate themselves from others, they become selfish...they can't connect with someone, they can't feel what they feel, and share what they feel with them, so it becomes you against everything else...there's nothing to do but be selfish...
Maybe if I open up and just let it all show I can learn to be unselfish...I can learn to respect people more openly, be more forgiving, more loving, less insecure...
I just want everyone to be happy...at rest...I want people to look at me and be able to trust me, rely on me, and respect me...but I don't think I'm worthy of that yet perhaps...
I'm really not sure...writing all this helped, though...
...
Man...
It's a crazy world...life is so complex, and full of ideas, and thinking...everyone see's the world differently, and I really think the beauty in it all is that even though we see through different eyes, we share some similarities...
Brian, Josh, Joe, David, Vance...Loretta...they're the best friends I've ever had...my other family...I love them so much, and I really hope the best for them, all the time...I hope I can be strong for you guys...I hope I can understand, and be good to you...
Loretta...if you read this, I hope you know how much I love you...and how much you mean...you've altered me and changed me into something I can say I'm pretty proud of...you're a real live-saver...I hope one day we can just talk about everything...and I hope I can keep you happy, and safe...
Life is just too short, and too sacred to let it be fettered with anger and hurtful things...
...I love...