I dreamed a dream that made me sad
I went to bed in the best mood, but I woke up feeling sad.
I've discovered recently that my mother emotionally abuses me. For so long, she's been tearing down at my self esteem to the point that she thinks she's the one who has the final say on when I'm capable of moving out or not. I'm 24-years-old, and she still does this. I tell her I want to find a job in Austin, she tells me I shouldn't "limit myself" and stick to finding a job nearby. How about no? Now that I see what's happening, I'm only interested in moving without feeling like I have to justify myself to her.
Last night, I felt confident because things can only get better. This morning, I found myself reminded of all the emotional damage she's left me with and I feel sad.
My subconscious caught on to this stuff before I made any conscious recognition of it. I'd have dreams where my mom would just yell at me out of the blue for no reason. I haven't logged every single one of them because they were redundant and I was beginning to wonder why I had them. My mom didn't yell at me that much, did she? Well, not all the time. She didn't have any problem letting me know when she disapproved.
So, last night, I had a dream where my family went so this mountain cave train ride...thing. I think I actually went through the same thing twice because I wasn't happy with the outcome the first time, but no matter how hard I fought for control, I kept having the same problems.
My dad was off in his own car but for some reason, my mom, my brother and I were all in the same car. I was the one in charge, though. I had a lever of some kind that could control when the car stopped, how fast it went, and which direction it turned in. (Nope. No steering wheel. Just a lever.) The car ran on a track and it would go inside dark tunnels in a mountain. The main purpose of the ride, though, seemed to be enjoying the view from the mountain as there was no light inside the caves to highlight interesting formations which is sad. Aw. (Uh...I like caves. If I can see.) There were ledges where you could stop the car and look around. For some reason, I think the ride actually began on the top of the mountain and the goal was to get to the bottom.
It was kind of an interesting ride. There were some interesting sights. I was more interested in looking at these weird pots that were stationed throughout the ledges. My mom wanted to look at specific things and she'd always want me to stop and look, too. She'd ask me to stop and think of her and my brother even though it really didn't matter if we were looking at the same thing or not when we weren't on the car.
Though, piloting the thing did get to be a problem, too. She wanted to stop and see something in particular -- potatoes, to be precise -- and doing that required a tricky maneuver. I had trouble doing it because she was barking orders to me the whole time. Even after I managed to land in view of the potatoes, she yelled at me for a while. I don't think she realized that I was already upset because for whatever reason, stopping the car like that pretty much got it stuck and I was unable to make it all the way to the bottom of the mountain. There was a gift shop to stop at just before reaching the bottom and it was possible to just take some stairs down from there, but I really wanted to make the trip all the way.
After navigating through the maze-like gift shop and trying to avoid my family, I began to think on how much the dream was like my life: my mom always tells me to think about how much I'm contributing to the family, even when I should be focusing more on moving out.
Well, I got tired of feeling lonely in that dream, so I wished Dave was there, and there he was. We teleported to some weird restaurant and I had an ostrich burger. Uh, yay.
I woke up to a cloudy sky. It had been raining most of the night and still continued to sprinkle. I squinted at the clock (can't see much without glasses or contacts) and thought it was an hour later than it was. I just curled up feeling lonely and at the same time, feeling glad that the rest of my family knew better than to try and get me up when I had no place to go.
I've discovered recently that my mother emotionally abuses me. For so long, she's been tearing down at my self esteem to the point that she thinks she's the one who has the final say on when I'm capable of moving out or not. I'm 24-years-old, and she still does this. I tell her I want to find a job in Austin, she tells me I shouldn't "limit myself" and stick to finding a job nearby. How about no? Now that I see what's happening, I'm only interested in moving without feeling like I have to justify myself to her.
Last night, I felt confident because things can only get better. This morning, I found myself reminded of all the emotional damage she's left me with and I feel sad.
My subconscious caught on to this stuff before I made any conscious recognition of it. I'd have dreams where my mom would just yell at me out of the blue for no reason. I haven't logged every single one of them because they were redundant and I was beginning to wonder why I had them. My mom didn't yell at me that much, did she? Well, not all the time. She didn't have any problem letting me know when she disapproved.
So, last night, I had a dream where my family went so this mountain cave train ride...thing. I think I actually went through the same thing twice because I wasn't happy with the outcome the first time, but no matter how hard I fought for control, I kept having the same problems.
My dad was off in his own car but for some reason, my mom, my brother and I were all in the same car. I was the one in charge, though. I had a lever of some kind that could control when the car stopped, how fast it went, and which direction it turned in. (Nope. No steering wheel. Just a lever.) The car ran on a track and it would go inside dark tunnels in a mountain. The main purpose of the ride, though, seemed to be enjoying the view from the mountain as there was no light inside the caves to highlight interesting formations which is sad. Aw. (Uh...I like caves. If I can see.) There were ledges where you could stop the car and look around. For some reason, I think the ride actually began on the top of the mountain and the goal was to get to the bottom.
It was kind of an interesting ride. There were some interesting sights. I was more interested in looking at these weird pots that were stationed throughout the ledges. My mom wanted to look at specific things and she'd always want me to stop and look, too. She'd ask me to stop and think of her and my brother even though it really didn't matter if we were looking at the same thing or not when we weren't on the car.
Though, piloting the thing did get to be a problem, too. She wanted to stop and see something in particular -- potatoes, to be precise -- and doing that required a tricky maneuver. I had trouble doing it because she was barking orders to me the whole time. Even after I managed to land in view of the potatoes, she yelled at me for a while. I don't think she realized that I was already upset because for whatever reason, stopping the car like that pretty much got it stuck and I was unable to make it all the way to the bottom of the mountain. There was a gift shop to stop at just before reaching the bottom and it was possible to just take some stairs down from there, but I really wanted to make the trip all the way.
After navigating through the maze-like gift shop and trying to avoid my family, I began to think on how much the dream was like my life: my mom always tells me to think about how much I'm contributing to the family, even when I should be focusing more on moving out.
Well, I got tired of feeling lonely in that dream, so I wished Dave was there, and there he was. We teleported to some weird restaurant and I had an ostrich burger. Uh, yay.
I woke up to a cloudy sky. It had been raining most of the night and still continued to sprinkle. I squinted at the clock (can't see much without glasses or contacts) and thought it was an hour later than it was. I just curled up feeling lonely and at the same time, feeling glad that the rest of my family knew better than to try and get me up when I had no place to go.