Keep You Here And Human (4/5)
Title: Keep You Here And Human (4/5)
Author: Heather Perl
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Pairing/Character: Damon/Elena, some discussion of Stefan/Elena
Word Count: 4246
Rating: R, to be safe
Summary: Damon finds Elena directly after the events of season 3, and they have a conversation concerning the decision she needs to make, along with all the things that should be said before she decides.
Spoilers: Through the end of season 3.
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of The Vampire Diaries. No copyright infringement is intended. The title comes from the song "Scream, Scream, Scream" by Ludo
Author's Note: Okay, guys, one chapter left. I will finish this story if it kills me! Letting me know you're still enjoying it would be super helpful though!
Keep You Here And Human
Chapter Four
“You're really doing this?” Stefan asked, his voice bleak.
“Stefan...” Elena sighed. She had been over and over this. First, Damon had to convince her, and then once she was completely on board with the idea, she had to try to convince Stefan, who utterly refused to budge on the issue. “How many times do I have to explain why this is a good idea?”
“Apparently, at least one more, because this still makes no sense to me. You're eating people now? You didn't even try my way of doing things.”
Elena had tried, actually. She had accepted that it would be a while until she was able to live fully on animals, but she had wanted to give it a go to see what it was like, and to get a feel for if she would ever be able to go that route. She had gone with Stefan. Catching a rabbit was easy. It was just that it was so...cute. “I tried, Stefan. It's not for me, okay?”
“Fine. But I'm still not getting why blood bags aren't good enough for you. Caroline's doing just fine on them.”
“Caroline killed two people that didn't have to die. It's not like I'm only going to be eating people. But Damon is right. Once a week, at least until I'm sure I can control myself without anyone's help,” she said. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense to her. She would take a trip out of town with Damon every Tuesday and find someone random who she could drink from, and Damon would make sure she didn't kill the person. Then she'd wipe the guy's memory and let him go, just a little anemic. She would eventually learn how to stop, even if the person meant nothing to her. She would learn control. “We're even picking up Caroline on the way.”
Stefan grabbed her arm, stopping her progress toward the door and, beyond that, Damon's car. “Elena--”
“Look,” she cut him off, sick of explaining the same thing again and again, with no change in his attitude. “Stefan, I'd say I'm glad the animal diet works for you, except it doesn't. You get a taste of human blood and you go completely off the rails! That's not who I want to be. I don't want anyone else to die because of me.”
He let go of her as if she had burned him. “So you're going to eat people, but somehow manage to not kill them. And you slept with Damon. I don't even recognize you anymore, Elena. You might as well be--”
He stopped himself from saying the next word, but Elena already knew what he meant to say. It was something she'd thought to herself more than once. “I might as well be Katherine?”
Stefan stared at her, unwilling to say yes, but unable to say no.
“I'm sorry that you're hurting because of me and Damon,” Elena told him. She'd said it before. She'd probably say it again. “But I'm not sorry that it happened. I'm not going to offer you any excuses. There aren't any.”
“I can't believe you don't see that he took advantage of you. You're new to this life. When that urge took you, you would have been with the closest willing male. He knew that, and he should have stopped you, not indulged his own desires at your expense.”
Elena's hand was on the doorknob, and she almost crushed it at his words. The worst part was that she knew Damon was just outside. She knew he could hear Stefan's hurtful words. “This is unbelievable. You've been brothers for over a century and a half, but the second you get jealous, it's like you don't know him at all.” She made sure that she met his eyes. “I will say this one more time, and then I'm leaving. Damon did not take advantage of me. We had sex because I wanted to, and I don't regret a second of it. The only thing I regret about my actions is how they're affecting you. Now, I am going to go learn how not to kill people.”
She left before he could respond and slammed the door behind her. She knew he had a reason to be angry at her and at Damon, but she hated that he kept demonizing his brother, as if she was not at all responsible for her actions.
Damon stood by his car, his eyes immediately trained on her. She went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek into his shoulder. “I'm sorry,” she murmured.
He rubbed her back, trying to comfort her. “Hey, you said no regrets, and you're sticking to it. You have nothing to apologize for. As far as I'm concerned, we're good.” He took his hands off her and went around the other side of the car. “Besides,” he added loudly, opening her door for her, “Stefan's being a douche. He should have to do his own apologizing for that. You don't have to do it for him.”
Elena's mouth twitched. Damon had made sure he was loud enough for Stefan to catch the insult. At least his jabs weren't so full of hurt and jealousy. For Damon, the barbs were just the way he interacted with his brother. She got into the car and waited until he was driving away from the boarding house before she said, “He won't apologize. I just thought someone should acknowledge that you're not the bad guy this time.”
“For once, none of us are,” he replied. “None of us can help how we feel. But speaking of bad guys...why aren't you more interested in Stefan's diet? Not for now, of course. It'd be insane to go that way when you're so new. But for later...I would have thought that you'd lean that way. Is it because it might have made Stefan the way he is about human blood?”
“No, it's...” Elena abruptly shook her head and stared out the passenger side window. “Nevermind. You'll think it's stupid.”
“Come on, Elena. When I have ever thought anything you've said was stupid?” She turned a pointed look on him, and he amended his statement. “Fine. Anything you've said that didn't involve you somehow getting yourself killed.”
She bit her lip, hesitating. “You promise you're not going to tell me I'm being ridiculous?”
“A vampire eating the supporting cast of Bambi is ridiculous,” Damon replied. “You're not doing that, so I'm sure you've got your reasons.”
“Okay,” she said, nodding. She took a deep breath, and then finally spilled her reasoning. “If I feed from animals, the animals will die. I mean, there's no way around it. Bunnies just don't have all that much blood to give. Stefan has to eat three or four of them to get the same nourishment that you get from a blood bag, and it doesn't make him half as strong. And it's not like I can take a tiny sip from them and then let them go.” She realized she was rambling, but she was on a roll and couldn't seem to stop herself. “If they're bleeding, then they're a target for predators and they don't even have a fighting chance. And I can't feed them my blood to heal them. For one, it probably wouldn't even work, but then what if it did? What if they died with my blood in their systems?”
“An army of vampire bunnies,” Damon said, managing to keep from laughing at her...barely. “The woodland creatures could finally get their revenge on Stefan.”
Elena laughed. “The point is, I can feed from a human and then send him on his merry way, minus a little blood and with a fuzzy recollection of his evening. No one has to die for me to live.”
“You don't want to kill anything. Human or animal,” he observed, summarizing her feelings a lot more succinctly than she'd been able to.
“Exactly,” she said.
Silence stretched between them as he contemplated her logic. Finally, just as they pulled up in front of Caroline's house, he said, “Don't let Stefan stress you out. Our triangle aside, you couldn't be less like Katherine.”
It was with a small smile on her face that Elena got out of the car and went to retrieve her friend for their first lesson in control.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The mission was a success. Damon had to stop her from killing a frat boy with a bad attitude problem, but as soon as he diverted her attention away from the guy, she had stopped, and Damon gave her a quick tutorial on compulsion. He had a little more trouble with Caroline, who had killed her victims before, but between the two of them, they had stopped her from killing the frat boy's cheerleader girlfriend. The trip was a success, and Damon promised it would get easier.
After dropping Caroline off, Damon and Elena headed back to the boarding house. They went inside, only to find Stefan standing in the middle of the foyer, his head down and his hands in his pockets. His eyes flicked up to them briefly, and for a moment, he looked so much like the boy she'd first fallen in love with that she felt a pang in her stomach.
“Fantastic. Stefan has his guilty pose. What did you do, brother?” Damon asked.
“I didn't do this,” he muttered. “It's just...really bad timing. But I swear...I didn't call her.”
“Call who?” Elena asked, just as the person in question swept into the room behind Stefan.
“Who do you think?” Katherine countered. She caught the glint of the ring she'd sent Elena, newly spelled and in its place on her middle finger. “I knew that would suit you better than it does me.”
Damon instantly moved to put himself between Elena and Katherine. He knew Elena was a lot stronger now...but even his strength was dwarfed by Katherine's. “What are you doing here?” he hissed.
“I believe it's time my doppelganger and I had a little talk,” she said easily. She shifted her eyes to Elena. “Come on, Elena. Stefan tells me you have your own room here now. Why don't we go there for some privacy?”
“How about because privacy is a joke when you're surrounded by vampires? Trust me, I've learned really well that out of sight is most definitely not out of hearing range.” Elena couldn't deny that she was curious why her ancestor had chosen to show up again, but if she wanted privacy, a sojourn up to her room wasn't going to do it.
“Very good. You're learning.” Katherine smiled, real approval in her eyes. “You make a good point. Boys,” she said, looking first at Stefan and then at Damon. “Out.”
“You are absolutely out of your mind if you think I am leaving you alone with Elena,” Damon said tightly, not budging from his protective stance in front of her.
She smiled at him a little. “Oh, Damon. You want me to talk to her, I promise.”
“She won't hurt her,” Stefan interjected. “Let's be honest here. She could knock us both out and take down Elena if she wanted to, but she hasn't.”
“And I won't,” Katherine confirmed. “Because she's my blood. In more ways than one, now. And killing her doesn't get me what I want.”
She met Damon's eyes, willing him to understand her meaning. He got it immediately. She still wanted Stefan, and killing the woman Stefan loved would not endear her to him. He felt a small hand touch his arm. “It's okay, Damon. I want to talk to her.”
He looked at his brother and nodded, then turned to Elena. “Stefan and I will go far enough where we can't hear your conversation, so long as you keep it at a reasonable volume. But if you scream, I will be here in a second. And don't be shy about running. You're really fast now, so if you need to run, we'll be to the north.”
He squeezed her hand briefly, and then he was gone. Stefan tried to smile at her but couldn't quite manage it. He too was gone a moment later.
Elena opened her mouth to speak, but Katherine held up her hand, listening carefully. After a few moments, she nodded and lowered her hand. “Alright, let's get this ball rolling. There's only so long they'll stay away before they get twitchy and come back.”
“Well, it's your show,” she replied. “What did you come to say?”
Katherine walked into the library, taking a seat on one of the couches and waiting for Elena to join her. Elena sighed and followed. When she too sat, taking a couch opposite her ancestor, Katherine immediately launched into her purpose. “Remember when I told you that it's okay to love them both?”
Elena rolled her eyes. It was only one of the most memorable moments of her life. Well, actually, Katherine had interrupted one of the most memorable moments of her life with that revelation. “How could I forget?”
“Well, that only applied to when you were human. Now that you've turned, I take it back. You can't keep them both forever, Elena.”
Fantastic, Elena thought. Now there's another person telling me I have to make a choice. “This coming from the vampire that took almost a century and a half to make the same choice,” she said defensively.
“Don't twist the facts to your liking,” Katherine snapped at her. “I made my choice in 1864. I just never bothered to tell anyone about it until recently. Actually,” she grinned, “when I think about it that way, I made my choice quicker than you have. It only took me a few weeks before I knew. It's taken you over a year.”
“I wasn't questioning the whole year,” Elena muttered. It was a weak excuse, and they both knew it.
“Well, you're questioning now, and that's why I'm here. I came to help you choose.”
“You can't help me,” she answered immediately “You want Stefan. You're biased.”
“Yes, but you know that. You know my endgame. I can try to manipulate you all I want, but the effect is pretty much muted when you know what I'm trying to get. Anyway, it's not about what I want. It's about you. And, as much as they may deny it, every person who doesn't live in this house knows who you're going to choose. They each have their own opinions about who you should choose, of course, but they all know which way you're going to go. The only people who still think your choice hasn't been made are you, Stefan, and Damon.”
Elena burned to ask Katherine who her choice was, if everyone was so sure. But she knew she had to make the choice for herself. She couldn't let Katherine make it for her just because it would be easier. Instead, she asked another question. “How did you make the choice? If you were telling the truth and you did really love them both...how did you choose?”
Katherine was silent for a long moment, staring at Elena and weighing the pros and cons of telling her. Finally, she said, “I am only telling you this because I know it will help me get what I want. Even so, if my answer gets out, blood or not, I will kill you. Do you understand?”
She nodded slowly, wondering what could be so horrible that Katherine would be so possessive of the information. “I understand. Whatever you say stays between us.”
“Good.” Katherine took a deep breath, stalling for time. She had never told anyone this, and she probably never would again. “I chose Stefan because...he was the one who loved what a tiny part of me, a part I generally ignore because it's silly and stupid and idealistic...he loved who that part of me wanted to be. Damon didn't.”
“He loved the good part of you?” Elena asked, trying to wrap her mind around the idea.
“No, he loved all of me. He was just too afraid to admit it. But Damon loved my wickedness. The sweet human girl I pretended to be for people like Papa Salvatore...he had no interest in her.” She shook her head suddenly, pushing the memories of a time long past away from her. It would be no further help to the current situation. “So here's the question, Elena: who do you want to be? Nevermind who you're expected to be or who other people want you to be. At the very core of your being...who do you want to be? Answer that, and you'll know your choice.”
Elena leaned back into the cushions of the couch, dropping her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. She searched inside herself for what she wanted. The truth was that she wanted so many things, including both Stefan and Damon. She pushed past all that and found the truth she hadn't let herself even think because it would have made all the people around her feel so guilty, and she would have felt guilty in turn for putting such pressure on them. “I just want to be happy,” she said in a very small voice.
“And?” Katherine asked.
“And Stefan keeps me happy. That's how it's been since everything went crazy. Stefan keeps me happy, and Damon keeps me alive.”
“No, I meant, what else aside from happy? Happy is just one quality that you want for your future, and not a terribly descriptive one at that. Seriously, Elena, what do you want?”
At Katherine's urging, Elena continued to look inside herself to imagine what she wanted from her life. All her old dreams of children and growing old beside whoever she ended up marrying were irrelevant now, and she had to identify what her new dreams were. She thought of the conversation she'd had with Damon on their way to get Caroline, and she suddenly knew. “I want to be strong,” she said, surprising herself. “I don't want to be a liability anymore. I don't want to kill anybody...but if someone comes after us again and we need to defend ourselves, I don't want to have to cower behind the people I love while they sacrifice themselves to protect me.”
Katherine's smile could not have gotten any wider. That, or something like it, was what she had hoped to hear. “And who is going to love that person more? Think about it. To be strong the way you're thinking, you need a steady diet of human blood. Be it bagged or direct from the source...how did Stefan react to your little field trip, anyway?”
“He could hardly look at me,” Elena admitted. As soon as she said it, she came to a frightening realization. “But that's not new.” She thought back, wondering when that had started. Had it been after she slept with Damon? No, it was before that too. “He's barely even met my eyes since I woke up in transition.”
Katherine had noticed that too, but she thought that she might have been reading too far into the situation, seeing only what she wished to see. “Why do you think he's doing that?” Katherine asked, honestly curious.
Elena's first thought was that Stefan felt guilty, but that was too obvious. He felt guilty all the time. Since she'd known him, she could think of very few moments when he didn't feel guilty. By that point, she was entirely too familiar with what guilt looked like on Stefan. It was there, but it wasn't his problem. Not currently, anyway. “I never wanted to be a vampire. I told Stefan that months ago, the first time I was sure I was going to turn. And...he never pushed it. He never even mentioned the time limit that put on our relationship. I drove myself crazy, thinking that I didn't love him enough because, if I did, I would want to turn to be with him forever. But he never brought that up, even when I couldn't stop beating myself up over it. Looking back...maybe he never wanted me to be a vampire either, and he's having almost as much trouble adjusting to the new reality as I am.”
“He did keep you on a pedestal,” Katherine added. “Not the normal kind of pedestal people can keep each other on, but a very special pedestal made up entirely of ways you are not like me.” She snickered. “I think we can agree that 'not a vampire' just got crossed off that list.”
“That makes sense.” She paused, then admitted, “He compared me to you right before Damon and I left.”
The elder vampire rolled her eyes. “Yeah. This has to stop, and soon. This is only damaging all of you and pissing me off. You can view this as manipulation if you want, but I'm going to make this very simple for you by giving you a few cold hard facts. You're drinking human blood. If you want to be the kind of strong vampire who can defend herself like you just described, then you're going to have to keep drinking it, and wherever you're getting it from, the version of Stefan that you like can't do the same. How long do you think any relationship with him will last, with you guzzling the good stuff while he scrapes by on bunnies?”
Elena hated how much Katherine was right. She'd never thought of it that way, with that cold calculation, but that was why Katherine had shown up. She needed someone to tell her these things she would never think of, without trying to tip-toe around her delicate feelings. Her friends, as wonderful as they all were, could never do that. “You haven't said much about Damon,” she pointed out, just to say something that didn't let Katherine know how effective she was.
“Do I really need to?” she asked. “You've already thought of all the possible downsides to being with him. That's why you're not. You haven't really given enough thought to the downsides of Stefan. But if you want me to give my thoughts on Damon, you got it. Damon gave me nearly a hundred and fifty years because he loved me, and I didn't love him like that. Not enough to wait around, and not nearly as much as I loved Stefan. Imagine what he would do for a person if his feelings were reciprocated. He's never had that. Maybe he wouldn't even know what to do if it happened, but...even though I can't give that to him, there's not a doubt in my mind that he deserves to have it. Don't you agree?”
“Of course,” Elena replied. She knew she could love Damon. She did love Damon. He was an extremely lovable person...when he let people see past his cruel, psychotic exterior. She knew that was extremely rare for him.
Katherine nodded and abruptly rose to her feet. “Well, I'm sure I've given you a lot to think about, and if I know my boys, they'll be heading back in a few minutes. They won't be able to stand leaving you alone with me for much longer.” She headed for the door, wondering whether she should pillage Damon's blood supply or grab someone to eat once she got out of town. She sighed and turned around once more to drive the point home. “You keep thinking that loving them both is what will turn you into me, but you already do, so stop fighting it. It doesn't help anyone. What will turn you into me is letting them wonder for far too long who it is you really want. Seriously, Elena...choose one and let the other go. And if the one you let go is Stefan, make sure he knows he's welcome to find me.”
Just as Katherine turned to go again, Elena spoke up once more. “Why not Damon?” Katherine paused, not turning around, and Elena elaborated. “If you loved them both, why wouldn't you want Damon if I chose Stefan? Do you not love him anymore or what?”
Katherine started walking again, still not looking back. “Damon doesn't change his mind. I don't think he'll ever love me, or anyone but you, ever again. I'm not willing to spend the next hundred and fifty years trying to get you out of his system. Stefan can move on. He proved that when he moved on from me.” Before she left the room, she looked at Elena one last time. “Well, this has been fun. Let's try not to do it again at least until next century.” With that, she finally took her exit, leaving Elena with entirely too many things to think about.
When Stefan and Damon returned three minutes later, Elena was still seated on a couch in the library, her head tilted back as she stared at the ceiling. When she heard their footsteps enter the room, all she could say was “Don't ask.” She retreated to the privacy of her bedroom before they could argue.
Author: Heather Perl
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Pairing/Character: Damon/Elena, some discussion of Stefan/Elena
Word Count: 4246
Rating: R, to be safe
Summary: Damon finds Elena directly after the events of season 3, and they have a conversation concerning the decision she needs to make, along with all the things that should be said before she decides.
Spoilers: Through the end of season 3.
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of The Vampire Diaries. No copyright infringement is intended. The title comes from the song "Scream, Scream, Scream" by Ludo
Author's Note: Okay, guys, one chapter left. I will finish this story if it kills me! Letting me know you're still enjoying it would be super helpful though!
Keep You Here And Human
Chapter Four
“You're really doing this?” Stefan asked, his voice bleak.
“Stefan...” Elena sighed. She had been over and over this. First, Damon had to convince her, and then once she was completely on board with the idea, she had to try to convince Stefan, who utterly refused to budge on the issue. “How many times do I have to explain why this is a good idea?”
“Apparently, at least one more, because this still makes no sense to me. You're eating people now? You didn't even try my way of doing things.”
Elena had tried, actually. She had accepted that it would be a while until she was able to live fully on animals, but she had wanted to give it a go to see what it was like, and to get a feel for if she would ever be able to go that route. She had gone with Stefan. Catching a rabbit was easy. It was just that it was so...cute. “I tried, Stefan. It's not for me, okay?”
“Fine. But I'm still not getting why blood bags aren't good enough for you. Caroline's doing just fine on them.”
“Caroline killed two people that didn't have to die. It's not like I'm only going to be eating people. But Damon is right. Once a week, at least until I'm sure I can control myself without anyone's help,” she said. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense to her. She would take a trip out of town with Damon every Tuesday and find someone random who she could drink from, and Damon would make sure she didn't kill the person. Then she'd wipe the guy's memory and let him go, just a little anemic. She would eventually learn how to stop, even if the person meant nothing to her. She would learn control. “We're even picking up Caroline on the way.”
Stefan grabbed her arm, stopping her progress toward the door and, beyond that, Damon's car. “Elena--”
“Look,” she cut him off, sick of explaining the same thing again and again, with no change in his attitude. “Stefan, I'd say I'm glad the animal diet works for you, except it doesn't. You get a taste of human blood and you go completely off the rails! That's not who I want to be. I don't want anyone else to die because of me.”
He let go of her as if she had burned him. “So you're going to eat people, but somehow manage to not kill them. And you slept with Damon. I don't even recognize you anymore, Elena. You might as well be--”
He stopped himself from saying the next word, but Elena already knew what he meant to say. It was something she'd thought to herself more than once. “I might as well be Katherine?”
Stefan stared at her, unwilling to say yes, but unable to say no.
“I'm sorry that you're hurting because of me and Damon,” Elena told him. She'd said it before. She'd probably say it again. “But I'm not sorry that it happened. I'm not going to offer you any excuses. There aren't any.”
“I can't believe you don't see that he took advantage of you. You're new to this life. When that urge took you, you would have been with the closest willing male. He knew that, and he should have stopped you, not indulged his own desires at your expense.”
Elena's hand was on the doorknob, and she almost crushed it at his words. The worst part was that she knew Damon was just outside. She knew he could hear Stefan's hurtful words. “This is unbelievable. You've been brothers for over a century and a half, but the second you get jealous, it's like you don't know him at all.” She made sure that she met his eyes. “I will say this one more time, and then I'm leaving. Damon did not take advantage of me. We had sex because I wanted to, and I don't regret a second of it. The only thing I regret about my actions is how they're affecting you. Now, I am going to go learn how not to kill people.”
She left before he could respond and slammed the door behind her. She knew he had a reason to be angry at her and at Damon, but she hated that he kept demonizing his brother, as if she was not at all responsible for her actions.
Damon stood by his car, his eyes immediately trained on her. She went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek into his shoulder. “I'm sorry,” she murmured.
He rubbed her back, trying to comfort her. “Hey, you said no regrets, and you're sticking to it. You have nothing to apologize for. As far as I'm concerned, we're good.” He took his hands off her and went around the other side of the car. “Besides,” he added loudly, opening her door for her, “Stefan's being a douche. He should have to do his own apologizing for that. You don't have to do it for him.”
Elena's mouth twitched. Damon had made sure he was loud enough for Stefan to catch the insult. At least his jabs weren't so full of hurt and jealousy. For Damon, the barbs were just the way he interacted with his brother. She got into the car and waited until he was driving away from the boarding house before she said, “He won't apologize. I just thought someone should acknowledge that you're not the bad guy this time.”
“For once, none of us are,” he replied. “None of us can help how we feel. But speaking of bad guys...why aren't you more interested in Stefan's diet? Not for now, of course. It'd be insane to go that way when you're so new. But for later...I would have thought that you'd lean that way. Is it because it might have made Stefan the way he is about human blood?”
“No, it's...” Elena abruptly shook her head and stared out the passenger side window. “Nevermind. You'll think it's stupid.”
“Come on, Elena. When I have ever thought anything you've said was stupid?” She turned a pointed look on him, and he amended his statement. “Fine. Anything you've said that didn't involve you somehow getting yourself killed.”
She bit her lip, hesitating. “You promise you're not going to tell me I'm being ridiculous?”
“A vampire eating the supporting cast of Bambi is ridiculous,” Damon replied. “You're not doing that, so I'm sure you've got your reasons.”
“Okay,” she said, nodding. She took a deep breath, and then finally spilled her reasoning. “If I feed from animals, the animals will die. I mean, there's no way around it. Bunnies just don't have all that much blood to give. Stefan has to eat three or four of them to get the same nourishment that you get from a blood bag, and it doesn't make him half as strong. And it's not like I can take a tiny sip from them and then let them go.” She realized she was rambling, but she was on a roll and couldn't seem to stop herself. “If they're bleeding, then they're a target for predators and they don't even have a fighting chance. And I can't feed them my blood to heal them. For one, it probably wouldn't even work, but then what if it did? What if they died with my blood in their systems?”
“An army of vampire bunnies,” Damon said, managing to keep from laughing at her...barely. “The woodland creatures could finally get their revenge on Stefan.”
Elena laughed. “The point is, I can feed from a human and then send him on his merry way, minus a little blood and with a fuzzy recollection of his evening. No one has to die for me to live.”
“You don't want to kill anything. Human or animal,” he observed, summarizing her feelings a lot more succinctly than she'd been able to.
“Exactly,” she said.
Silence stretched between them as he contemplated her logic. Finally, just as they pulled up in front of Caroline's house, he said, “Don't let Stefan stress you out. Our triangle aside, you couldn't be less like Katherine.”
It was with a small smile on her face that Elena got out of the car and went to retrieve her friend for their first lesson in control.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The mission was a success. Damon had to stop her from killing a frat boy with a bad attitude problem, but as soon as he diverted her attention away from the guy, she had stopped, and Damon gave her a quick tutorial on compulsion. He had a little more trouble with Caroline, who had killed her victims before, but between the two of them, they had stopped her from killing the frat boy's cheerleader girlfriend. The trip was a success, and Damon promised it would get easier.
After dropping Caroline off, Damon and Elena headed back to the boarding house. They went inside, only to find Stefan standing in the middle of the foyer, his head down and his hands in his pockets. His eyes flicked up to them briefly, and for a moment, he looked so much like the boy she'd first fallen in love with that she felt a pang in her stomach.
“Fantastic. Stefan has his guilty pose. What did you do, brother?” Damon asked.
“I didn't do this,” he muttered. “It's just...really bad timing. But I swear...I didn't call her.”
“Call who?” Elena asked, just as the person in question swept into the room behind Stefan.
“Who do you think?” Katherine countered. She caught the glint of the ring she'd sent Elena, newly spelled and in its place on her middle finger. “I knew that would suit you better than it does me.”
Damon instantly moved to put himself between Elena and Katherine. He knew Elena was a lot stronger now...but even his strength was dwarfed by Katherine's. “What are you doing here?” he hissed.
“I believe it's time my doppelganger and I had a little talk,” she said easily. She shifted her eyes to Elena. “Come on, Elena. Stefan tells me you have your own room here now. Why don't we go there for some privacy?”
“How about because privacy is a joke when you're surrounded by vampires? Trust me, I've learned really well that out of sight is most definitely not out of hearing range.” Elena couldn't deny that she was curious why her ancestor had chosen to show up again, but if she wanted privacy, a sojourn up to her room wasn't going to do it.
“Very good. You're learning.” Katherine smiled, real approval in her eyes. “You make a good point. Boys,” she said, looking first at Stefan and then at Damon. “Out.”
“You are absolutely out of your mind if you think I am leaving you alone with Elena,” Damon said tightly, not budging from his protective stance in front of her.
She smiled at him a little. “Oh, Damon. You want me to talk to her, I promise.”
“She won't hurt her,” Stefan interjected. “Let's be honest here. She could knock us both out and take down Elena if she wanted to, but she hasn't.”
“And I won't,” Katherine confirmed. “Because she's my blood. In more ways than one, now. And killing her doesn't get me what I want.”
She met Damon's eyes, willing him to understand her meaning. He got it immediately. She still wanted Stefan, and killing the woman Stefan loved would not endear her to him. He felt a small hand touch his arm. “It's okay, Damon. I want to talk to her.”
He looked at his brother and nodded, then turned to Elena. “Stefan and I will go far enough where we can't hear your conversation, so long as you keep it at a reasonable volume. But if you scream, I will be here in a second. And don't be shy about running. You're really fast now, so if you need to run, we'll be to the north.”
He squeezed her hand briefly, and then he was gone. Stefan tried to smile at her but couldn't quite manage it. He too was gone a moment later.
Elena opened her mouth to speak, but Katherine held up her hand, listening carefully. After a few moments, she nodded and lowered her hand. “Alright, let's get this ball rolling. There's only so long they'll stay away before they get twitchy and come back.”
“Well, it's your show,” she replied. “What did you come to say?”
Katherine walked into the library, taking a seat on one of the couches and waiting for Elena to join her. Elena sighed and followed. When she too sat, taking a couch opposite her ancestor, Katherine immediately launched into her purpose. “Remember when I told you that it's okay to love them both?”
Elena rolled her eyes. It was only one of the most memorable moments of her life. Well, actually, Katherine had interrupted one of the most memorable moments of her life with that revelation. “How could I forget?”
“Well, that only applied to when you were human. Now that you've turned, I take it back. You can't keep them both forever, Elena.”
Fantastic, Elena thought. Now there's another person telling me I have to make a choice. “This coming from the vampire that took almost a century and a half to make the same choice,” she said defensively.
“Don't twist the facts to your liking,” Katherine snapped at her. “I made my choice in 1864. I just never bothered to tell anyone about it until recently. Actually,” she grinned, “when I think about it that way, I made my choice quicker than you have. It only took me a few weeks before I knew. It's taken you over a year.”
“I wasn't questioning the whole year,” Elena muttered. It was a weak excuse, and they both knew it.
“Well, you're questioning now, and that's why I'm here. I came to help you choose.”
“You can't help me,” she answered immediately “You want Stefan. You're biased.”
“Yes, but you know that. You know my endgame. I can try to manipulate you all I want, but the effect is pretty much muted when you know what I'm trying to get. Anyway, it's not about what I want. It's about you. And, as much as they may deny it, every person who doesn't live in this house knows who you're going to choose. They each have their own opinions about who you should choose, of course, but they all know which way you're going to go. The only people who still think your choice hasn't been made are you, Stefan, and Damon.”
Elena burned to ask Katherine who her choice was, if everyone was so sure. But she knew she had to make the choice for herself. She couldn't let Katherine make it for her just because it would be easier. Instead, she asked another question. “How did you make the choice? If you were telling the truth and you did really love them both...how did you choose?”
Katherine was silent for a long moment, staring at Elena and weighing the pros and cons of telling her. Finally, she said, “I am only telling you this because I know it will help me get what I want. Even so, if my answer gets out, blood or not, I will kill you. Do you understand?”
She nodded slowly, wondering what could be so horrible that Katherine would be so possessive of the information. “I understand. Whatever you say stays between us.”
“Good.” Katherine took a deep breath, stalling for time. She had never told anyone this, and she probably never would again. “I chose Stefan because...he was the one who loved what a tiny part of me, a part I generally ignore because it's silly and stupid and idealistic...he loved who that part of me wanted to be. Damon didn't.”
“He loved the good part of you?” Elena asked, trying to wrap her mind around the idea.
“No, he loved all of me. He was just too afraid to admit it. But Damon loved my wickedness. The sweet human girl I pretended to be for people like Papa Salvatore...he had no interest in her.” She shook her head suddenly, pushing the memories of a time long past away from her. It would be no further help to the current situation. “So here's the question, Elena: who do you want to be? Nevermind who you're expected to be or who other people want you to be. At the very core of your being...who do you want to be? Answer that, and you'll know your choice.”
Elena leaned back into the cushions of the couch, dropping her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. She searched inside herself for what she wanted. The truth was that she wanted so many things, including both Stefan and Damon. She pushed past all that and found the truth she hadn't let herself even think because it would have made all the people around her feel so guilty, and she would have felt guilty in turn for putting such pressure on them. “I just want to be happy,” she said in a very small voice.
“And?” Katherine asked.
“And Stefan keeps me happy. That's how it's been since everything went crazy. Stefan keeps me happy, and Damon keeps me alive.”
“No, I meant, what else aside from happy? Happy is just one quality that you want for your future, and not a terribly descriptive one at that. Seriously, Elena, what do you want?”
At Katherine's urging, Elena continued to look inside herself to imagine what she wanted from her life. All her old dreams of children and growing old beside whoever she ended up marrying were irrelevant now, and she had to identify what her new dreams were. She thought of the conversation she'd had with Damon on their way to get Caroline, and she suddenly knew. “I want to be strong,” she said, surprising herself. “I don't want to be a liability anymore. I don't want to kill anybody...but if someone comes after us again and we need to defend ourselves, I don't want to have to cower behind the people I love while they sacrifice themselves to protect me.”
Katherine's smile could not have gotten any wider. That, or something like it, was what she had hoped to hear. “And who is going to love that person more? Think about it. To be strong the way you're thinking, you need a steady diet of human blood. Be it bagged or direct from the source...how did Stefan react to your little field trip, anyway?”
“He could hardly look at me,” Elena admitted. As soon as she said it, she came to a frightening realization. “But that's not new.” She thought back, wondering when that had started. Had it been after she slept with Damon? No, it was before that too. “He's barely even met my eyes since I woke up in transition.”
Katherine had noticed that too, but she thought that she might have been reading too far into the situation, seeing only what she wished to see. “Why do you think he's doing that?” Katherine asked, honestly curious.
Elena's first thought was that Stefan felt guilty, but that was too obvious. He felt guilty all the time. Since she'd known him, she could think of very few moments when he didn't feel guilty. By that point, she was entirely too familiar with what guilt looked like on Stefan. It was there, but it wasn't his problem. Not currently, anyway. “I never wanted to be a vampire. I told Stefan that months ago, the first time I was sure I was going to turn. And...he never pushed it. He never even mentioned the time limit that put on our relationship. I drove myself crazy, thinking that I didn't love him enough because, if I did, I would want to turn to be with him forever. But he never brought that up, even when I couldn't stop beating myself up over it. Looking back...maybe he never wanted me to be a vampire either, and he's having almost as much trouble adjusting to the new reality as I am.”
“He did keep you on a pedestal,” Katherine added. “Not the normal kind of pedestal people can keep each other on, but a very special pedestal made up entirely of ways you are not like me.” She snickered. “I think we can agree that 'not a vampire' just got crossed off that list.”
“That makes sense.” She paused, then admitted, “He compared me to you right before Damon and I left.”
The elder vampire rolled her eyes. “Yeah. This has to stop, and soon. This is only damaging all of you and pissing me off. You can view this as manipulation if you want, but I'm going to make this very simple for you by giving you a few cold hard facts. You're drinking human blood. If you want to be the kind of strong vampire who can defend herself like you just described, then you're going to have to keep drinking it, and wherever you're getting it from, the version of Stefan that you like can't do the same. How long do you think any relationship with him will last, with you guzzling the good stuff while he scrapes by on bunnies?”
Elena hated how much Katherine was right. She'd never thought of it that way, with that cold calculation, but that was why Katherine had shown up. She needed someone to tell her these things she would never think of, without trying to tip-toe around her delicate feelings. Her friends, as wonderful as they all were, could never do that. “You haven't said much about Damon,” she pointed out, just to say something that didn't let Katherine know how effective she was.
“Do I really need to?” she asked. “You've already thought of all the possible downsides to being with him. That's why you're not. You haven't really given enough thought to the downsides of Stefan. But if you want me to give my thoughts on Damon, you got it. Damon gave me nearly a hundred and fifty years because he loved me, and I didn't love him like that. Not enough to wait around, and not nearly as much as I loved Stefan. Imagine what he would do for a person if his feelings were reciprocated. He's never had that. Maybe he wouldn't even know what to do if it happened, but...even though I can't give that to him, there's not a doubt in my mind that he deserves to have it. Don't you agree?”
“Of course,” Elena replied. She knew she could love Damon. She did love Damon. He was an extremely lovable person...when he let people see past his cruel, psychotic exterior. She knew that was extremely rare for him.
Katherine nodded and abruptly rose to her feet. “Well, I'm sure I've given you a lot to think about, and if I know my boys, they'll be heading back in a few minutes. They won't be able to stand leaving you alone with me for much longer.” She headed for the door, wondering whether she should pillage Damon's blood supply or grab someone to eat once she got out of town. She sighed and turned around once more to drive the point home. “You keep thinking that loving them both is what will turn you into me, but you already do, so stop fighting it. It doesn't help anyone. What will turn you into me is letting them wonder for far too long who it is you really want. Seriously, Elena...choose one and let the other go. And if the one you let go is Stefan, make sure he knows he's welcome to find me.”
Just as Katherine turned to go again, Elena spoke up once more. “Why not Damon?” Katherine paused, not turning around, and Elena elaborated. “If you loved them both, why wouldn't you want Damon if I chose Stefan? Do you not love him anymore or what?”
Katherine started walking again, still not looking back. “Damon doesn't change his mind. I don't think he'll ever love me, or anyone but you, ever again. I'm not willing to spend the next hundred and fifty years trying to get you out of his system. Stefan can move on. He proved that when he moved on from me.” Before she left the room, she looked at Elena one last time. “Well, this has been fun. Let's try not to do it again at least until next century.” With that, she finally took her exit, leaving Elena with entirely too many things to think about.
When Stefan and Damon returned three minutes later, Elena was still seated on a couch in the library, her head tilted back as she stared at the ceiling. When she heard their footsteps enter the room, all she could say was “Don't ask.” She retreated to the privacy of her bedroom before they could argue.