Sophomore Slump?
Momma told me that I'm going through the "sophomore slump"... I was unaware that there was a coined term for the way I've been feeling, but it helps to try accepting that, no, I'm not alone; other people go through the same thing.
The depression screening results suggested that I "seek help immediately" for whatever I'm feeling, and it also said that my results match more towards bipolar disorder than depression. I don't know.
I don't know.
I find myself thinking this a lot lately. I just don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Something insignificant like a nod from an "old" friend puts a grand smile on my face. It gives me this feeling of knowing that someone cares about me. But, really, it's just acknowledgment of my general existence.
At the same time, realizing that I have to write a paper for a class stresses me to the point of crying. I sob. SOB. It's stupid thinking about it, even minutes after I've stopped crying. Am I really crying because I have this complex where I truly believe I've accomplished so much this semester that I don't need to bow down before a professor and write a paper? Really?
Or how about getting a phone call from someone I haven't seen in months? That's no reason to cry. NO REASON.
Or maybe what about waking myself up crying because something "bad" happened in a dream? Whether it be an "old" friend died or my roommate moved out or someone yelled at me for not being thankful of things. There's no reason I should wake myself up sobbing, move to the bathroom, and sob some more at 3:00 AM.
I'm ridiculous.
I don't know why I feel some things. I don't know why I do some things. I don't know why I can't handle other things.
What's really so bad in my life that I'm struggling with? I love my job. School stresses me out, but it gives me something to do at the same time.
It's like I'm so busy that I get really sad that I don't have "free time", and then when I'm alone with this "free time" I claim to lack so much, I'm uncomfortably depressed. I call a friend or my parents and always, always, ALWAYS end up crying. Usually after the first call.
"No, I'm writing a paper. I'm not going to watch 'Heroes' tonight at all."
"Sorry , I have a lot of work to do. Call me later."
"I'm in the library."
Or no answer.
Just because ONE person is busy, this doesn't mean that I have NO friends. And it's STUPID that I can point this out now, but at the time that I have these thoughts of being completely alone in the world, I really believe it.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to keep myself from these negative thoughts. I don't know how to cheer myself up. I don't know how to put on that facade of "HEY, I'M HAPPY AND THE WORLD APPRECIATES ME!"
I don't know how to do it anymore.
But, really, I'm not happy. And, no, the world does not appreciate me. I will be easily forgotten. I have made no significant impact in this world. No, I'm not saying that family and friends won't care. But at this moment in time, it really doesn't matter if I'm here or not. It doesn't matter.
Sophomore slumps, eh? Well, I'm sick of it. I'd really like someone to remind me how to be happy and feel appreciated in some way... or at least to not feel alone.
I'd rather be without feeling at all than with this mess I have in my chest and on my back and pressing down on me right now.
How is this semester not over yet?
The depression screening results suggested that I "seek help immediately" for whatever I'm feeling, and it also said that my results match more towards bipolar disorder than depression. I don't know.
I don't know.
I find myself thinking this a lot lately. I just don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Something insignificant like a nod from an "old" friend puts a grand smile on my face. It gives me this feeling of knowing that someone cares about me. But, really, it's just acknowledgment of my general existence.
At the same time, realizing that I have to write a paper for a class stresses me to the point of crying. I sob. SOB. It's stupid thinking about it, even minutes after I've stopped crying. Am I really crying because I have this complex where I truly believe I've accomplished so much this semester that I don't need to bow down before a professor and write a paper? Really?
Or how about getting a phone call from someone I haven't seen in months? That's no reason to cry. NO REASON.
Or maybe what about waking myself up crying because something "bad" happened in a dream? Whether it be an "old" friend died or my roommate moved out or someone yelled at me for not being thankful of things. There's no reason I should wake myself up sobbing, move to the bathroom, and sob some more at 3:00 AM.
I'm ridiculous.
I don't know why I feel some things. I don't know why I do some things. I don't know why I can't handle other things.
What's really so bad in my life that I'm struggling with? I love my job. School stresses me out, but it gives me something to do at the same time.
It's like I'm so busy that I get really sad that I don't have "free time", and then when I'm alone with this "free time" I claim to lack so much, I'm uncomfortably depressed. I call a friend or my parents and always, always, ALWAYS end up crying. Usually after the first call.
"No, I'm writing a paper. I'm not going to watch 'Heroes' tonight at all."
"Sorry , I have a lot of work to do. Call me later."
"I'm in the library."
Or no answer.
Just because ONE person is busy, this doesn't mean that I have NO friends. And it's STUPID that I can point this out now, but at the time that I have these thoughts of being completely alone in the world, I really believe it.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to keep myself from these negative thoughts. I don't know how to cheer myself up. I don't know how to put on that facade of "HEY, I'M HAPPY AND THE WORLD APPRECIATES ME!"
I don't know how to do it anymore.
But, really, I'm not happy. And, no, the world does not appreciate me. I will be easily forgotten. I have made no significant impact in this world. No, I'm not saying that family and friends won't care. But at this moment in time, it really doesn't matter if I'm here or not. It doesn't matter.
Sophomore slumps, eh? Well, I'm sick of it. I'd really like someone to remind me how to be happy and feel appreciated in some way... or at least to not feel alone.
I'd rather be without feeling at all than with this mess I have in my chest and on my back and pressing down on me right now.
How is this semester not over yet?