Career or Children?
That loud ticking some of you may be hearing is my biological clock. I'm really sorry that it's so loud, but it's one of those things that can't be helped.
There are 129 days until my 25th birthday. That desire to get married, have babies, and settle down for the rest of my life is starting to take over and I don't know if I can handle that right now.
When I was around 16 or so, I set a plan for my life. I would graduate from college at 21, go to graduate school that fall, meet the man of my dreams in graduate school, get engaged at 24, get married at 25, have my first kid at 26 and my second kid at 28. My husband and I would live in a moderately nice house; not our dream house, but not an apartment either. We would have the perfect life together and ride off into the sunset.
Clearly, none of that is going to happen. I think I'm finally okay with that.
Career
I've always wanted to be a child psychologist. Seriously. I saw a child psychologist on TV one day and I fell in love with the profession. The more I read about psychology the more I wanted to read. I flirted with a double major (Psychology and American Studies) and a few minors (Sociology and Business), but my ultimate goal hasn't changed.
Well, actually it has. My ultimate goal has changed from child psychologist to school psychologist. A school psychologist is basically a guidance counselor, but way more awesome. I've also been looking into Educational Psychology, which is more designing curricula and helping children learn most effectively. Either way, I'd still be working with children which is what I really want.
In order to reach my ultimate goal, I need to complete my Bachelor's degree, and eventually earn my Ph.D.. If I worked straight through and didn't take any breaks, it would take either 4 or 5 years, assuming I took summer classes. The last year would be an internship, so technically I would be taking classes for 3 or 4 years. If I only went for my Master's degree (which I could find a job as a School Psychologist or an Ed. psychologist with), I would finish in 3 or 4 years, with the last year being an internship.
Looking at my current situation, I'll finish my Bachelor's next Spring (if all goes well, and it'd damn well better) at the age of 25. (That's four years behind schedule, but who's counting?) If I get into a Master's program the fall after I graduate (highly unlikely), I won't finish until I'm close to 30. That's all fine and dandy, really it is, but I can't seem to let go of my 16-year-old self's timeline. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I won't graduate when I expected to (although I really don't have a choice with that). But there's one thing that I can't let go of.
Children
I don't want to be an old mom. Plain and simple. I don't want to have my first child past the age of 30. If I have my second child past 30, that'd be okay. There's just something about being a 30 year old first time mother that's a little off-putting to me. That's not to say that there's something wrong with people who have waited that long; absolutely not. I think it shows a lot of maturity to wait until you're absolutely ready to devote your life to another person. I'm just very impatient, which is understandable since I'm getting older.
I also want to be married before I have children. That is a very huge deal for me, and something that I intend to stick to. I know it's more accepted to have children out of wedlock, but not for me. And if one more person tells me that 50% of marriages end in divorce I'll snap. Yes, marriages end in divorce. Mine won't. My parents have been married for 25 years, and most of my friend's parents are still married. It's fine that you don't have faith in your relationship, but I have faith that mine will make it. Get the fuck over it.
Ahem, sorry about that. That's a subject that reallllllly gets on my last damn nerve.
Looking at my career plan, there really is no good time to have a child if I were to follow that time line. I would like to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) for a few years, but not forever. That's not something that I want to do. I'm not struggling to complete my education just to sit at home with the kids. I feel the need to say that I don't think being a SAHParent isn't a noble job - it's the 2nd fucking hardest job on the planet (IMO being a working single parent is the hardest). It's just not a job for me. Besides, if I were to work in the school system I would be working while the kids were in school and be with them when they were home after school and during the summer. That's something that's really important to me and I like that my career would allow me to do what I've wanted to do most of my life and be with my children.
In an ideal world...
Ferris and I would have two children. He's okay with having kids and he's okay with not having kids. I think the more I talk about it, the more he thinks about it and is willing to indulge my ramblings and talk to me about it. We would have our son (either Jake Anthony M***** or Logan [middle name] M*****) first and then our daughter (Mya Elisabeth M******) a between 2 and 4 years later. We'd buy a home shortly after kidlet #1 was spawned and live there until the kids were teenagers, and then move to the home that we would grow old and grey in.
My options, as I see it are:
(a)get knocked up in graduate school and put off my internship and the start of my career. Is it even possible to do that?
(b)get knocked up after I graduate next spring and put off graduate school altogether. If I chose this option, I would have to get married next year as well, and I don't know if Ferris and I are ready for that (more on that in another entry, my fingers are tired).
(c)pray that someone else has a better option that would work for me (and Ferris, but his opinion doesn't matter ;)).
I realize that I'm putting the proverbial cart before the horse, but damn it, I'm old and I can't help it.
There are 129 days until my 25th birthday. That desire to get married, have babies, and settle down for the rest of my life is starting to take over and I don't know if I can handle that right now.
When I was around 16 or so, I set a plan for my life. I would graduate from college at 21, go to graduate school that fall, meet the man of my dreams in graduate school, get engaged at 24, get married at 25, have my first kid at 26 and my second kid at 28. My husband and I would live in a moderately nice house; not our dream house, but not an apartment either. We would have the perfect life together and ride off into the sunset.
Clearly, none of that is going to happen. I think I'm finally okay with that.
Career
I've always wanted to be a child psychologist. Seriously. I saw a child psychologist on TV one day and I fell in love with the profession. The more I read about psychology the more I wanted to read. I flirted with a double major (Psychology and American Studies) and a few minors (Sociology and Business), but my ultimate goal hasn't changed.
Well, actually it has. My ultimate goal has changed from child psychologist to school psychologist. A school psychologist is basically a guidance counselor, but way more awesome. I've also been looking into Educational Psychology, which is more designing curricula and helping children learn most effectively. Either way, I'd still be working with children which is what I really want.
In order to reach my ultimate goal, I need to complete my Bachelor's degree, and eventually earn my Ph.D.. If I worked straight through and didn't take any breaks, it would take either 4 or 5 years, assuming I took summer classes. The last year would be an internship, so technically I would be taking classes for 3 or 4 years. If I only went for my Master's degree (which I could find a job as a School Psychologist or an Ed. psychologist with), I would finish in 3 or 4 years, with the last year being an internship.
Looking at my current situation, I'll finish my Bachelor's next Spring (if all goes well, and it'd damn well better) at the age of 25. (That's four years behind schedule, but who's counting?) If I get into a Master's program the fall after I graduate (highly unlikely), I won't finish until I'm close to 30. That's all fine and dandy, really it is, but I can't seem to let go of my 16-year-old self's timeline. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I won't graduate when I expected to (although I really don't have a choice with that). But there's one thing that I can't let go of.
Children
I don't want to be an old mom. Plain and simple. I don't want to have my first child past the age of 30. If I have my second child past 30, that'd be okay. There's just something about being a 30 year old first time mother that's a little off-putting to me. That's not to say that there's something wrong with people who have waited that long; absolutely not. I think it shows a lot of maturity to wait until you're absolutely ready to devote your life to another person. I'm just very impatient, which is understandable since I'm getting older.
I also want to be married before I have children. That is a very huge deal for me, and something that I intend to stick to. I know it's more accepted to have children out of wedlock, but not for me. And if one more person tells me that 50% of marriages end in divorce I'll snap. Yes, marriages end in divorce. Mine won't. My parents have been married for 25 years, and most of my friend's parents are still married. It's fine that you don't have faith in your relationship, but I have faith that mine will make it. Get the fuck over it.
Ahem, sorry about that. That's a subject that reallllllly gets on my last damn nerve.
Looking at my career plan, there really is no good time to have a child if I were to follow that time line. I would like to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) for a few years, but not forever. That's not something that I want to do. I'm not struggling to complete my education just to sit at home with the kids. I feel the need to say that I don't think being a SAHParent isn't a noble job - it's the 2nd fucking hardest job on the planet (IMO being a working single parent is the hardest). It's just not a job for me. Besides, if I were to work in the school system I would be working while the kids were in school and be with them when they were home after school and during the summer. That's something that's really important to me and I like that my career would allow me to do what I've wanted to do most of my life and be with my children.
In an ideal world...
Ferris and I would have two children. He's okay with having kids and he's okay with not having kids. I think the more I talk about it, the more he thinks about it and is willing to indulge my ramblings and talk to me about it. We would have our son (either Jake Anthony M***** or Logan [middle name] M*****) first and then our daughter (Mya Elisabeth M******) a between 2 and 4 years later. We'd buy a home shortly after kidlet #1 was spawned and live there until the kids were teenagers, and then move to the home that we would grow old and grey in.
My options, as I see it are:
(a)get knocked up in graduate school and put off my internship and the start of my career. Is it even possible to do that?
(b)get knocked up after I graduate next spring and put off graduate school altogether. If I chose this option, I would have to get married next year as well, and I don't know if Ferris and I are ready for that (more on that in another entry, my fingers are tired).
(c)pray that someone else has a better option that would work for me (and Ferris, but his opinion doesn't matter ;)).
I realize that I'm putting the proverbial cart before the horse, but damn it, I'm old and I can't help it.