struggling with the tears
currently trying to get corey to take his evening nap..its not going well. how old are they before you can just lay them down and they know its sleepy time? he sleeps through the night..in his crib..in his room..but its still a fight a few times a week and he will cry for up to half an hour before finally giving up. does he still not know how to soothe himself? am i doing something wrong? ehh..i am just beating myself up all over the place tonight i guess
i am actually going through a pretty tough internal struggle right now..and i can't even talk about it because i am afraid to write it down or say it out loud. i am afraid of what it means. i am afraid of the kind of person it makes me..and honestly..i just wish i could give it a rest already. what do you do when your head and your heart are pulling you two different directions? and is it strange to not even know which one is pulling what way..i just know..its two VERY different ways. i'm sick of trying to convince myself i'm not bad. i know i would never act on any of the things i am feeling..i just wish i wasn't feeling them. i wish i could turn it off..but i am not even sure what turned it on. all i know is i have been feeling extremely guilty all day. and as usual with me..any negative emotion tends to bring with it a tidal wave of more negative thoughts that i repress on a daily basis.
insignificant.
ugly.
i guess some things will never change. i am mad. mad at myself for feeling this way..for..its just no good.
hes asleep..i think i am going to go wash bottles now..sorry for the least informative journal entry ever. i just need some sort of an outlet because i am tearing myself up inside. sadly, it didn't help much.
i am actually going through a pretty tough internal struggle right now..and i can't even talk about it because i am afraid to write it down or say it out loud. i am afraid of what it means. i am afraid of the kind of person it makes me..and honestly..i just wish i could give it a rest already. what do you do when your head and your heart are pulling you two different directions? and is it strange to not even know which one is pulling what way..i just know..its two VERY different ways. i'm sick of trying to convince myself i'm not bad. i know i would never act on any of the things i am feeling..i just wish i wasn't feeling them. i wish i could turn it off..but i am not even sure what turned it on. all i know is i have been feeling extremely guilty all day. and as usual with me..any negative emotion tends to bring with it a tidal wave of more negative thoughts that i repress on a daily basis.
insignificant.
ugly.
i guess some things will never change. i am mad. mad at myself for feeling this way..for..its just no good.
hes asleep..i think i am going to go wash bottles now..sorry for the least informative journal entry ever. i just need some sort of an outlet because i am tearing myself up inside. sadly, it didn't help much.