(no subject)
i hate when hes right..and he always is.
i have some very severe issues with jealousy and insecurity. i think i have always had them..but they were never as bad as they are now. i guess that makes sense..i mean the person i love most..the person i trusted most..let me down and completely broke my heart at least once every week or so for a year and a half.
but i didn't let go. and i didn't stop loving him.
now we are back together but i definitely have some things to sort out.
we fought a lot yesterday. i got mad at him for so many stupid things. the first was that when i asked him if he was still coming over..he responded with "yeah." i don't know why..but i heard, "sure i guess..nothing better to do." and got so insulted. he, understandably, got angry in return..telling me i read way too far into one word. he said yes and meant yes. okay..this is where i should appologize for being silly right? well...me, who is not good at the whole humbling herself thing, only got angrier..how come he is always the good guy? second fight. anyways..we settled those..i had time to calm down..think..and realize how silly they were and that i love him..
he came over and we went to applebees..he had wings and i had a margarita..yummy..then it was off to the movie store where our third, and largest, fight of the evening occurred.
i asked him where all he had driven. part of me was still suspicious that he had gone to that party over here the night before..something he promised me he wasn't going to. he decided to account for every mile..which i know, is not something he should have to do but trust is an issue..and we both know it. he knows i don't trust him and he understands why..and he knows he has to earn it back..so, even though i felt bad, i also felt better about him accounting for the miles. anyways..he took robin to her car and gave her a jump. and i got sooo angry. i was so insecure. i didn't want him protecting or looking out for anyone but me. how selfish am i? honestly. :(
when thinking about it later i realized he was just helping out a friend.
so why was my reaction so horrible?
its not really about him at all. he isn't doing anything wrong..in fact, i know he is really trying to make things better between us.
but if i continue to truly not like myself..how can it get better? i hate the way i look and the way i feel. i look for reasons to be angry. its easier than dealing with not feeling truly loved. with feeling like i feel more than he does. and being torn between rightfully so..and not.
this summer was good for me..i got very close to a group of guys which was new for me. they helped me with my self esteem in more ways than they know. sometimes, when i would look in the mirror, i would feel pretty. thats new for me. but its kind of been slipping..which means it was never really hitting me in the right place anyways.
i don't know..i feel so at home with jj. he is where my heart is..but i am so afraid of losing it that i jeopardize my own relationship. i tempt him to break up with me..i ask him to. tell him it would be better for him.
why would i do that?
anyways..we had a long talk last night during which we both opened up a lot more than we have in a while and it was nice. he held me..we watched a movie, a little more, then he went home [after one final emotional moment from me]
then we hung out today when i finished my work stuff and it was nice..
well, sort of..we ran into that girl at the mall..i don't care for her..i know her and j had a little thing while we were broken up and i am just not comfortable with it..but i didn't get upset because i knew it wasn't his fault. and he didn't stick around talking to her because he knew i would feel insecure. so, there, hard evidence that we are both working on this.
okay..time for homework :(
i have some very severe issues with jealousy and insecurity. i think i have always had them..but they were never as bad as they are now. i guess that makes sense..i mean the person i love most..the person i trusted most..let me down and completely broke my heart at least once every week or so for a year and a half.
but i didn't let go. and i didn't stop loving him.
now we are back together but i definitely have some things to sort out.
we fought a lot yesterday. i got mad at him for so many stupid things. the first was that when i asked him if he was still coming over..he responded with "yeah." i don't know why..but i heard, "sure i guess..nothing better to do." and got so insulted. he, understandably, got angry in return..telling me i read way too far into one word. he said yes and meant yes. okay..this is where i should appologize for being silly right? well...me, who is not good at the whole humbling herself thing, only got angrier..how come he is always the good guy? second fight. anyways..we settled those..i had time to calm down..think..and realize how silly they were and that i love him..
he came over and we went to applebees..he had wings and i had a margarita..yummy..then it was off to the movie store where our third, and largest, fight of the evening occurred.
i asked him where all he had driven. part of me was still suspicious that he had gone to that party over here the night before..something he promised me he wasn't going to. he decided to account for every mile..which i know, is not something he should have to do but trust is an issue..and we both know it. he knows i don't trust him and he understands why..and he knows he has to earn it back..so, even though i felt bad, i also felt better about him accounting for the miles. anyways..he took robin to her car and gave her a jump. and i got sooo angry. i was so insecure. i didn't want him protecting or looking out for anyone but me. how selfish am i? honestly. :(
when thinking about it later i realized he was just helping out a friend.
so why was my reaction so horrible?
its not really about him at all. he isn't doing anything wrong..in fact, i know he is really trying to make things better between us.
but if i continue to truly not like myself..how can it get better? i hate the way i look and the way i feel. i look for reasons to be angry. its easier than dealing with not feeling truly loved. with feeling like i feel more than he does. and being torn between rightfully so..and not.
this summer was good for me..i got very close to a group of guys which was new for me. they helped me with my self esteem in more ways than they know. sometimes, when i would look in the mirror, i would feel pretty. thats new for me. but its kind of been slipping..which means it was never really hitting me in the right place anyways.
i don't know..i feel so at home with jj. he is where my heart is..but i am so afraid of losing it that i jeopardize my own relationship. i tempt him to break up with me..i ask him to. tell him it would be better for him.
why would i do that?
anyways..we had a long talk last night during which we both opened up a lot more than we have in a while and it was nice. he held me..we watched a movie, a little more, then he went home [after one final emotional moment from me]
then we hung out today when i finished my work stuff and it was nice..
well, sort of..we ran into that girl at the mall..i don't care for her..i know her and j had a little thing while we were broken up and i am just not comfortable with it..but i didn't get upset because i knew it wasn't his fault. and he didn't stick around talking to her because he knew i would feel insecure. so, there, hard evidence that we are both working on this.
okay..time for homework :(