Cross My Heart [bocadelinferno]
I was dying all over again, I could feel it coming- my skin so cold and hard like stone- the cold heat burning me up from the inside out, leaving nothing but an empty shell. I was dying, in hell, I was dying... always dying- only this time Wesley wasn't at my bedside with tears in his eyes. This time, I wasn't the one trying to be strong. The words he spoke over and over again while I pleaded with him to forgive me for- for everything... were that of a man who had lost it all.
It was all happening so quickly, and yet, it really wasn’t.
He held me steady as I began to fall to the ground, his eyes empty and almost full of hate. I closed my eyes hoping that it would all end soon, but it didn't- it never did, not soon enough. The pain that I felt was unbearable, but his words were even worse- I could have lived forever in hell without those words. They were like knives, and I didn't know how to shut them out.
"Fred," He said, his lips touching my skin. "I loved you, but I died in the arms of a lie. You were a lie, Fred, that’s all you ever were. Nothing but a lie..."
"I'm sorry, Wesley... I'm sorry I couldn't stay." I was crying, my body trembling, almost convulsing. I knew this moment all too well. I knew what came next, and yet, I didn’t- I always wished for a different ending, but it was only wishful thinking. Death was always the end.
I felt him push me away hard letting my limp body fall to the floor, making a loud ‘thump’ as it hit the hard cold floor. And just like that it was over. Wesley was gone, and I was the only thing left in this place. I was alone again, alone in the dark, in hell. Soon, everything would start all over again, all from the beginning...
"Feigenbaum. I can't make the trip without Feigenbaum." I say as I pick him up. How could I ever forget about Feigenbaum?
"He doesn't quite look up to it." Looking up, I give her a big smile... I sure was gonna miss her lots. But L.A is where I had to be. And it would only be for a little while, until I got my degree.
"Hush. He's the master of chaos. He'll love L.A- and all my junkie, movie-actor friends." Now if dad had heard that, he would've never let me leave this room. Ever.
"Don't you joke. Now, you gotta promise me that you're gonna be careful." She always worried, you’d think I was twelve or something. I could see how scared she was for me- her only daughter moving away to college. But I could take care of myself. Besides, this is what I wanted to do.
"I'm gonna study, mom. I'm gonna learn every damn thing they know up there, and then figure out some stuff they don't. And I'll be careful. I'll even be dull, boring… Cross my heart."
...hope to die...
And that I did, didn't I. I had made a promise to my parents and I broke that promise. Now I was being punished for that and more. Punished for all that I failed to do in life and for all the bad things I ever did. I wanted to curl up into a ball and forget who I was, forget it all, but I couldn't. Everything faded back to black and I was part of nothing again. With tears, I sat up and I brought my knees to my chin, and like always I began to recite the theory of relativity.
Suddenly I felt a pull from within me, something that started at the pit of my stomach. At first I thought I would start falling again, but I didn't. All I felt was the pull... and then it became stronger and stronger until it swallowed me whole. Then it began to push against me, harder and harder that I though my bones would break into a million pieces, until it pushed me so hard that it knocked me back making my head hit the floor.
Slowly I regained consciousness and I could feel my lungs filling up with air. I blinked a couple of times and for the first time in- I didn't know how long, I saw the sky. It was black and filled with stars. I sat up and I could feel grass beneath me all prickly and wet. I got up slowly and looked around me, I didn't know where I was. All I could see was this real creepy looking tree and some big house- or mansion type place, but it was too dark for me to be sure of anything. It was all too strange, to surreal.
I was confused, I didn’t know what was going on, but decided to find out where I was and headed towards the mansion. I was a little scared, and didn’t know if this was still hell or if somehow I was brought back. I had too many questions and no one to give me answers, and after being in hell for who knows how long, I was skeptical of everything.
It was all happening so quickly, and yet, it really wasn’t.
He held me steady as I began to fall to the ground, his eyes empty and almost full of hate. I closed my eyes hoping that it would all end soon, but it didn't- it never did, not soon enough. The pain that I felt was unbearable, but his words were even worse- I could have lived forever in hell without those words. They were like knives, and I didn't know how to shut them out.
"Fred," He said, his lips touching my skin. "I loved you, but I died in the arms of a lie. You were a lie, Fred, that’s all you ever were. Nothing but a lie..."
"I'm sorry, Wesley... I'm sorry I couldn't stay." I was crying, my body trembling, almost convulsing. I knew this moment all too well. I knew what came next, and yet, I didn’t- I always wished for a different ending, but it was only wishful thinking. Death was always the end.
I felt him push me away hard letting my limp body fall to the floor, making a loud ‘thump’ as it hit the hard cold floor. And just like that it was over. Wesley was gone, and I was the only thing left in this place. I was alone again, alone in the dark, in hell. Soon, everything would start all over again, all from the beginning...
"Feigenbaum. I can't make the trip without Feigenbaum." I say as I pick him up. How could I ever forget about Feigenbaum?
"He doesn't quite look up to it." Looking up, I give her a big smile... I sure was gonna miss her lots. But L.A is where I had to be. And it would only be for a little while, until I got my degree.
"Hush. He's the master of chaos. He'll love L.A- and all my junkie, movie-actor friends." Now if dad had heard that, he would've never let me leave this room. Ever.
"Don't you joke. Now, you gotta promise me that you're gonna be careful." She always worried, you’d think I was twelve or something. I could see how scared she was for me- her only daughter moving away to college. But I could take care of myself. Besides, this is what I wanted to do.
"I'm gonna study, mom. I'm gonna learn every damn thing they know up there, and then figure out some stuff they don't. And I'll be careful. I'll even be dull, boring… Cross my heart."
...hope to die...
And that I did, didn't I. I had made a promise to my parents and I broke that promise. Now I was being punished for that and more. Punished for all that I failed to do in life and for all the bad things I ever did. I wanted to curl up into a ball and forget who I was, forget it all, but I couldn't. Everything faded back to black and I was part of nothing again. With tears, I sat up and I brought my knees to my chin, and like always I began to recite the theory of relativity.
Suddenly I felt a pull from within me, something that started at the pit of my stomach. At first I thought I would start falling again, but I didn't. All I felt was the pull... and then it became stronger and stronger until it swallowed me whole. Then it began to push against me, harder and harder that I though my bones would break into a million pieces, until it pushed me so hard that it knocked me back making my head hit the floor.
Slowly I regained consciousness and I could feel my lungs filling up with air. I blinked a couple of times and for the first time in- I didn't know how long, I saw the sky. It was black and filled with stars. I sat up and I could feel grass beneath me all prickly and wet. I got up slowly and looked around me, I didn't know where I was. All I could see was this real creepy looking tree and some big house- or mansion type place, but it was too dark for me to be sure of anything. It was all too strange, to surreal.
I was confused, I didn’t know what was going on, but decided to find out where I was and headed towards the mansion. I was a little scared, and didn’t know if this was still hell or if somehow I was brought back. I had too many questions and no one to give me answers, and after being in hell for who knows how long, I was skeptical of everything.