redundancy
how is it that after all my careful steps and walking over so many eggshells, i've ended up in the same place he's always put me in? he used to be security, but i'm frightened to trust him. I've started to take the risks. how many times will he fly away and return, before he just flies off, and never comes back? is it me? do i somehow drive him to leave also? am i part of his past that he subconsciously wants to get rid of?
somewhere in his conscious mind, he wants me. he never wants to leave me... but he does. i'm trying to have the strength not to hold him on a leash and keep him attached to my hip forever, but how?
something over this weekend has changed. am i paranoid and i'm the only one who thinks it? all of a sudden, i'm in a downward spiral of helplessness and cursed with the never-leave-me syndrome. oh god, what do i do? what do i do? how can i lose what i've already realized? something so precious, i can only try so hard to keep it. in the end, its ultimately not my choice alone, and whether or not if i like the outcome, i have to deal with it.
would i fight? would i really put up a fight and go down kicking and screaming? or would i just give up and give in to my underlying darkness, which, by the way, is dying to come out. he keeps the darkness down. he makes it forgotten and lost. otherwise, i'm just forgotten and lost. this thing that has plagued me in my life, it begs to emerge and take whatever it can to destroy it. its my apathy and my depression, all boiled into one, my anger and pessimism; i become stoic.its one of the worst feelings in the world, but what do you do except give in, because in all honesty, what does it matter?
he matters. if anything in the world does, he does. hes the one person i ever remember who has always made me feel like i matter. but im scared, because what if i dont? what if im just as replaceable as the next girl. are girls like me a dime a dozen? i know im different, and i know theres no one else who thinks like me, acts like me, or talks like me, but theres a difference between i know and everyone else. do they know? i highly doubt it. i dont know if i talk much about my thoughts out loud anymore, but i know i always do to him. he knows me. hes the opposite end from me, but hes just the same. hes on the other end of my same spectrum, and he brings me to a leveled middle. i wonder if he feels the same about me...
when the world is ending, and i've lit my hair with a match, he's the one to throw water on me and say calm down, its only monday. how could i ever let my sense of relaxation to walk out the door? plain and simple, when i stress, he brings me back to reality and puts everything in perspective.
but hes got a history. i feel like i've started throwing him to wolves. god, dont let them take him away from me. god, dont let him leave. i'm so frightened, i'm almost ready to throw my hands up in the air and save myself the trouble of going through the heartbreak. oh god, this wont end well, will it? we're not meant to be, are we? i hate this... since i've met him, i've ever only wanted him. slowly i realize he is the perfect fit to all those little girl childhood prayers i said every night to God, to bless me with happiness. How do I lose that? I feel like it would be the absolute end of my innocence, and i adore my childish nature. My childish nature that dustin brings out of me. I've grown up too fast, and he hasnt grown up fast enough... we meet in the middle and he makes me the age i should be. he brings me the fun i should have. and when hes gone, i starve for it, but allow it to pass, because what would be the point?
i know what was missing for all that time. all these years when i've cried and pleaded for the missing piece to come along... searching and struggling, finally i realize it. he has always made me feel like a whole person, except for when he's gone. if i know what the missing piece was, what would i do if i lost it? is he the best fit? do i care?
i dont care what kind of puzzle piece needs to be filled in my life, i want him. i dont care! i dont care! I DONT FUCKING CARE! I WANT HIM AND ONLY HIM. no one else has ever come close, and what do i do if he ever leaves? i pray to my lucky stars that i'll never have this bite me in the ass, because i know what i want, and i want him.
so does that mean i should stop my life for him? i dont want to stop living my life, but i cant have him stop living his either. where does it go? i've got a house and obligations here, and he doesnt. he has the freedom to pick up and go where he likes, and he can always land on his feet. i dont know how to do that. i dont know how to survive out on my own. not yet. i dont think im ready to. im still working on preparing for life.
does he ever resent our relationship? the way that it works like timed gears? does it work like that? does he crave more excitement? i guess if he does, i cant be the one for him. i just hate that there isnt a damn thing i can do. i do all that i can already. i try every day to show him how much i love him, and he does the same back, but the one day that he stops, i cant do a damn thing to stop him. i can only hope that he'll love me the way he says he does.
i just wanna ram my head through a door.
-----------------------------------------------------------
EDIT/UPDATE:
Fuck it. I don't care, I won't lose him again like this. I'll go where he goes because I want to be where he is.
somewhere in his conscious mind, he wants me. he never wants to leave me... but he does. i'm trying to have the strength not to hold him on a leash and keep him attached to my hip forever, but how?
something over this weekend has changed. am i paranoid and i'm the only one who thinks it? all of a sudden, i'm in a downward spiral of helplessness and cursed with the never-leave-me syndrome. oh god, what do i do? what do i do? how can i lose what i've already realized? something so precious, i can only try so hard to keep it. in the end, its ultimately not my choice alone, and whether or not if i like the outcome, i have to deal with it.
would i fight? would i really put up a fight and go down kicking and screaming? or would i just give up and give in to my underlying darkness, which, by the way, is dying to come out. he keeps the darkness down. he makes it forgotten and lost. otherwise, i'm just forgotten and lost. this thing that has plagued me in my life, it begs to emerge and take whatever it can to destroy it. its my apathy and my depression, all boiled into one, my anger and pessimism; i become stoic.its one of the worst feelings in the world, but what do you do except give in, because in all honesty, what does it matter?
he matters. if anything in the world does, he does. hes the one person i ever remember who has always made me feel like i matter. but im scared, because what if i dont? what if im just as replaceable as the next girl. are girls like me a dime a dozen? i know im different, and i know theres no one else who thinks like me, acts like me, or talks like me, but theres a difference between i know and everyone else. do they know? i highly doubt it. i dont know if i talk much about my thoughts out loud anymore, but i know i always do to him. he knows me. hes the opposite end from me, but hes just the same. hes on the other end of my same spectrum, and he brings me to a leveled middle. i wonder if he feels the same about me...
when the world is ending, and i've lit my hair with a match, he's the one to throw water on me and say calm down, its only monday. how could i ever let my sense of relaxation to walk out the door? plain and simple, when i stress, he brings me back to reality and puts everything in perspective.
but hes got a history. i feel like i've started throwing him to wolves. god, dont let them take him away from me. god, dont let him leave. i'm so frightened, i'm almost ready to throw my hands up in the air and save myself the trouble of going through the heartbreak. oh god, this wont end well, will it? we're not meant to be, are we? i hate this... since i've met him, i've ever only wanted him. slowly i realize he is the perfect fit to all those little girl childhood prayers i said every night to God, to bless me with happiness. How do I lose that? I feel like it would be the absolute end of my innocence, and i adore my childish nature. My childish nature that dustin brings out of me. I've grown up too fast, and he hasnt grown up fast enough... we meet in the middle and he makes me the age i should be. he brings me the fun i should have. and when hes gone, i starve for it, but allow it to pass, because what would be the point?
i know what was missing for all that time. all these years when i've cried and pleaded for the missing piece to come along... searching and struggling, finally i realize it. he has always made me feel like a whole person, except for when he's gone. if i know what the missing piece was, what would i do if i lost it? is he the best fit? do i care?
i dont care what kind of puzzle piece needs to be filled in my life, i want him. i dont care! i dont care! I DONT FUCKING CARE! I WANT HIM AND ONLY HIM. no one else has ever come close, and what do i do if he ever leaves? i pray to my lucky stars that i'll never have this bite me in the ass, because i know what i want, and i want him.
so does that mean i should stop my life for him? i dont want to stop living my life, but i cant have him stop living his either. where does it go? i've got a house and obligations here, and he doesnt. he has the freedom to pick up and go where he likes, and he can always land on his feet. i dont know how to do that. i dont know how to survive out on my own. not yet. i dont think im ready to. im still working on preparing for life.
does he ever resent our relationship? the way that it works like timed gears? does it work like that? does he crave more excitement? i guess if he does, i cant be the one for him. i just hate that there isnt a damn thing i can do. i do all that i can already. i try every day to show him how much i love him, and he does the same back, but the one day that he stops, i cant do a damn thing to stop him. i can only hope that he'll love me the way he says he does.
i just wanna ram my head through a door.
-----------------------------------------------------------
EDIT/UPDATE:
Fuck it. I don't care, I won't lose him again like this. I'll go where he goes because I want to be where he is.