paper journal
Thursday, October 5-- late night.
I have checked into a hotel. I nearly used Anne's name, or Emily's, or God forbid even feminized Jules's-- but I couldn't risk it. I told them my name was Ginny Dickens. They looked at me strangely. It was all right, I didn't mind, and I paid in cash.
In the parking lot, someone asked, hey sister, need a hit, and I felt my stomach turn. I shook my head, made it to my room to look in the mirror. No wonder they asked; my limp hair covered with a hoodie, my bloodshot eyes. My fever is only common, but it's high enough to make me shiver.
I look as if I've fallen into the cracks. Not even through, to the bottom where there are other people; no, just into them, where I am stuck and cannot go any further.
I can hardly think. I need a cold bath, I need to lock the door.
-later-
Oh, God. God.
I fell asleep in the bath and it was there, crouching between the toilet and the washstand, hand splayed on the countertop, ready to spring. I woke up and I saw it, I still saw it, the disease-ravaged face bound up and bandaged and oh, God, it's here.
i can see you looking at me, charlotte.
I cried out. The floor in the bathroom is all over water, a sodden mess of my clothes and towels, but I won't go back in there. I won't.
Mei oculi. I should have brought you with me, I should have brought you with me, I should have brought you with me.
I have checked into a hotel. I nearly used Anne's name, or Emily's, or God forbid even feminized Jules's-- but I couldn't risk it. I told them my name was Ginny Dickens. They looked at me strangely. It was all right, I didn't mind, and I paid in cash.
In the parking lot, someone asked, hey sister, need a hit, and I felt my stomach turn. I shook my head, made it to my room to look in the mirror. No wonder they asked; my limp hair covered with a hoodie, my bloodshot eyes. My fever is only common, but it's high enough to make me shiver.
I look as if I've fallen into the cracks. Not even through, to the bottom where there are other people; no, just into them, where I am stuck and cannot go any further.
I can hardly think. I need a cold bath, I need to lock the door.
-later-
Oh, God. God.
I fell asleep in the bath and it was there, crouching between the toilet and the washstand, hand splayed on the countertop, ready to spring. I woke up and I saw it, I still saw it, the disease-ravaged face bound up and bandaged and oh, God, it's here.
i can see you looking at me, charlotte.
I cried out. The floor in the bathroom is all over water, a sodden mess of my clothes and towels, but I won't go back in there. I won't.
Mei oculi. I should have brought you with me, I should have brought you with me, I should have brought you with me.