This Time
Title: This Time..
Rating: PG-13, minor cursing and a lackage of fluff, rainbows and puppies.
Summary: It gets harder at this time. Sometimes you have to go back to the basics. Back home. I don't know how AU it is, it couldn't be very much AU anyway.
A/N: I just wanted to write some Post- divorce Addison/Derek at Christmas. This is completely unbetaed and, I'm not even going to lie, I haven't even read through it all together. I finished it literally five minutes ago and wanted to post it before Christmas was definetly over. My apologies in advance. I also hope this blasted LJ-cut works! Also, if you pay close attention to names and such, you might recognise some people.
Disclaimer: A general disclaimer can be found in the user-info. As usual, I own nothing, merely like to play puppets with these characters.
This Time
It was the smell, she reasoned. It was that distinct smell when she stepped inside the familiar surroundings that led her to where she was now. The where being the base of the refrigerator. The cool surface that gleamed in the pale moonlight pressed hard against the place where spine curved as she hugged her knees tight to her chest and cried against her jeans.
It was the smell, and not the aching that had been lying dormant in her chest for nearly three years now. The aching. It made it hard to breathe. It brought the whole atmosphere down upon her shoulders, not wanting to be held up, but wanting to keep her down. It was the ache that didn’t allow her the eights hours she herself rammed down patients throats. It was that ache let her only have seven fit full hours, if she was lucky, she was a surgeon after all, before her alarm woke her up and forced her to prep herself for her day. She need one whole hour before she could will herself to raise her body from beneath her covers, rising up and into the day. Breathing in and out and deeply and slowly as possible, forcing her to concentrate on her breathing and not that ache inside her.
It was the smell that had led her to sink down on the cool tiles and let that ache inside her shatter to her pieces. She gripped the denim between her fingers as her body heaved with sobs. They started deep down in her gut and were pulled up through her throat mercilessly by the hurt she felt cursing through her veins.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was not supposed to be here. She slammed her palms down hard on the ground by her sides in a desperate effort to shake the pain from her body. Some days that was the only way she could describe it, that pain when you wake up and realise that you have to go on. She had to keep moving. She brushed the tears from her cheeks and raked her fingers through her hair.
There was a sudden shuffling at her feet and she could hear the gentle taping of what she thought were claws on the tile at her feet. A sudden explosion of fur appeared in her face suddenly. Addison pushed the animal away from her face, holding it by the collar at arms length until she recognised the features in the gentle light from the moon and the back porch light which filtered itself in the window above the sink.
“Hey there,” she whispered gently. The dog craned forward against Addison’s hold to try desperately to sniff at her hair, her face, the collar of her light jacket. The dog clambered, all paws and hind legs, halfway into Addison’s lap, forcing Addison to uncurl from her position and straighten her legs before her herself. Addison was surprised when the dog hopped up slightly and placed her paws on her shoulders. She was grateful though as she wrapped her arms around the dogs wriggling body and buried her face in her fur. The dog sniffed loudly into her hair as Addison let the tears slide into the dogs dark coat. She let the dog fall away from her and apologised meekly for getting her soft fur all snotty and damp with tears. The dog merely dug her nose into Addison’s linked hands and started licking at her damp skin, salty from the tears she had cried into her palms.
“It’s so fucking hard.” she whispered. “It’s not just me. Everybody’s lives are hard. Life is not easy.” she scratched behind the dog’s ear with one hand and sniffled.
“Why can’t I just suck it up and get on with it. Why do I end up here sooner or later. Why do I have to breakdown before I can keep going. I’m like a shit car you inherit from a bitter aunt.” she whispered to the dog, she couldn’t help but smile when the dog looked up at her with big soulful brown eyes before moving and butting her head into the crook of Addison’s elbow so she could reach her other hand better.
The light above the oven suddenly clicked into life and Addison’s eyes were drawn to a figure moving into the kitchen.
The person bent down when the dog trotted over and wound it’s way between their legs.
“I wasn’t expecting you so late.” the woman said as she made her way to the kettle and brought it to the sink to fill it up with water to boil. “I would have left on a light or two.” she intoned quietly as she replaced the kettle on it’s stand and flicked the switch. She moved over to stand before Addison, her figure less daunting and more careful, afraid that if she were to step on her the frail Addison beneath her would crumble from her pieces into dust. She held out a hand and Addison took it, lifting herself off the ground and to her feet. She sank into her mother’s embrace. Despite the blood bond they shared and the lives they had lived which had been intertwined so intricately, it still felt awkward and stiff, it lasted about 0.5 seconds longer then most though.
Helen Forbes-Montgomery pulled a chair out from where it had been tucked neatly under the table and sat herself down, shifting slightly and pulling a book out from underneath her with a raised eyebrow.
“It’s not even a good one.” she murmured before sliding it across the table.
Addison turned the book over in her hands, examining the cover. “Andie gave it eight out of ten. Couldn’t be that bed.” she responded absentmindedly as the dog made her way over to her feet and started sniffing the leather which adorned them.
“I think Dame Judy missed you. It’s a shame you never got to say goodbye to Julie. Poor Judy hasn’t been the same since.” Helen said as she rubbed the dog’s head affectionately.
Addison rolled her eyes, why couldn’t they call their pets something normal, she had suggested Sammy for a hamster growing up and had nearly been disowned. She let her head sink down into her folded arms when she thought of any of the many reasons she could be disowned now.
“It couldn’t be that bad Addie.” her mom touched her head lightly as she rose and reached the counter just as the kettle boiled and switched itself off.
One thing that she could never be certain of was if she loathed or loved the innate ability each member of her family held for making everything seem insignificant. Sure, her mother might have been passed out in the bathroom hugging her best friend, the wine bottle, but the fact that it just started to rain outside was much more alarming. Her family, herself included, had become so good at acting and lying to everyone on the outside that eventually they had begun to do it to themselves. The thought made Addison feel slightly hollow inside when she thought of her past in that sense.
‘Harder then you ever imagined.’
The muted thud of a cup being placed on the table before her made Addison lift her head and push her hair back from her face. She let her hands hold her head up for a moment and studied the woman before her for a moment. Those eyes, the wave of the hair, the lips and the cheekbones. All the same, but yet, when it came down to it, to things deep inside, the two women sitting within three feet of each other. Mother and daughter, could not have been more different.
= = = = = = = = = = =
To finish something requires a great deal of things, qualities you could call them. These were all things that Addison had always imagined she possessed. That she held firmly in grasp without question. Without fear of losing even one and having the world ripped from beneath her feet and going from having her head on her shoulders to somewhere on the floor in a second.
When she looked back on her life so far it made her feel proud to have accomplished so much in her time on earth. There was, of course, one glaring failure that smacked her in the face every time she spent some time in reflection. Her marriage.
“My failed marriage.” she muttered into her cup of coffee, keeping her eyes fixed on the scene playing out on the outside of the double glazed window. Curled up warm and tightly on the seat which had been built nicely into the bay window of her old bedroom, she observed the world with tired eyes. She wondered how someone as enamoured with the holiday season, as she was, could feel so lost and spiralling, as she did, right now. She watched three of the male members of her family grappling with a medium sized Canadian Spruce beside her father’s expensive looking car. Home for the holidays. What a mixed bag of emotions that produced.
Her door opened with the slightest of creaks and almost immediately she knew who it was. Someone she didn’t feel like talking too. She pulled the neck line of the oversized college sweatshirt closer to her eye line again and inhaled deeply.
Without saying anything, Helen Montgomery moved swiftly through her daughter’s room, straightening things, adjusting pillows and various other useless ornaments. She ran a palm quickly over the now straightened bed and smiled contentedly. She gave the room another quick once over and couldn’t help but falter slightly at the appearance of her daughter. It’s hard for a mother to watch her child be in pain, it was harder when you could see the aching that takes place in their heart. In Addison’s case, in her entire being. She made her way over to the window and took the now empty mug from her daughter’s rigid hands.
“You take the rest of these downstairs, and your dirty laundry too. You could give me a little bit of help around here, it would be nice.” she pushed gently.
Addison didn’t even blink, Helen wondered if she had registered her presence in the room at all. Then she saw the slight pinch at the corners of her daughter’s mouth.
“For Christ’s sake Addison! Maybe if you weren’t so bloody indifferent all the time your husband would have been more welcoming to the idea of talking things through with you instead of fucking off with that young thing.” Helen snapped, and immediately wished she hadn’t. her hand flew to her mouth as Addison rose quickly from her seat. Grabbing her laundry basket in one hand and a gathering of dirty plates and mugs in the other, she bolted from the room and down the stairs.
Helen merely turned and watched the scene outside of the window.
A violent splintering of ceramic and tile made her blink sharply.
The noise was followed by a flurry of red hair and a black coat racing towards the silver Jaguar parked in the snowy drive beside the old horsebox. She watched two of her sons and her husband watch in curiosity as Addison sped off down the drive with the skill and noise level of a NASCAR driver. She continued to watch only her husband look up towards the window she stood at, shake his head and return to the wrestling match at hand.
As she arrived downstairs in the kitchen to see one of her other daughter’s, Lily, standing over the explosion of dishes before the dishwasher.
“Leave it. Just make sure to wear socks or shoes in her until she gets back.”
Lily eyed her mother curiously before tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and pursing her lips.
“You have to stop being so lenient with her.” she called after her mother, who casually tossed a hand over her shoulder in acknowledgement as she retreated down the hallway with her book and reading glasses.
= = = = = = = = =
Addison drove as fast as she could to absolutely no where. Halfway down the main street of the sleepy town they inhabited and she couldn’t even remember what the point of driving anywhere was. She pulled in at the closest available space and did a fantastic parallel parking job before getting out and locking her car with a beep.
Two weeks. For two weeks she had been living in this god forsaken town again. For two weeks she hadn’t stepped out the door of her own house, aside from a quick late night trip or three to the closest shop to stock up on a couple of things. As she strolled down the snow swept streets and glanced at various glittering window displays and rushed looking faces passed her by, she knew she had to get out of there.
With all the energy of a race horse she sped back to her car, put it in gear and headed for the interstate. Her destination, New York City.
She didn’t know why exactly she had chosen this particular building to park in front of, but she had chosen it so she got out and slammed the door shut again. It wasn’t until she walked twenty steps down the street that she realised she was wearing a pair of casual baggy jeans with a tank top and comfortably old sweatshirt with her black Chanel coat and a warm beanie on her head with a pair of old converse sneakers.
“I look like I can’t accept my own age.” she whispered to herself as she shook her head in disbelief. She ran a finger over her lips and realised that at least she was wearing lip balm. Her lips would be soft if nothing else.
After wondering around most of her favourite haunts, as many as were in reasonable walking distance, she retired to a small coffee shop which she had frequented regularly when she had been in permanent residence in the city.
It was busy, but not too crowded. She ordered her hot chocolate and sank down into one of the overstuffed leather chairs in the corner, where she had a perfect view of just about everyone.
That was when she was nearly certain her heart stopped. Was that? No. It couldn’t be. Wouldn’t be.
“Oh shit.” Addison gaped.
“It’s chocolate actually.” Her cocky underpaid, underage waiter responded with a smirk.
Addison glanced at him, sizing him up in a millisecond.
“I have leather corsets that are older than you.” She shot back, signalling with her eyes that she was not one to mess with right now. The teenager immediately deflated and returned to his post by perculator.
Addison concentrated intensely on making herself invisible, a task that for someone like her was damn near impossible, she wasn’t used to being the wallflower.
The door opened again in a bustle of shopping bags and brunette hair.
“Oh shit.”
Nancy Shepherd-Maguire quickly made her way over to the upmarket deli and joined her mother, Eleanor Shepherd. Addison was sure she was in the clear until they reached the till and Eleanor turned around to survey the seating arrangements. Almost instantly her eyes locked on Addison.
“Oh shit.”
= = = = = = = = = =
Nancy entered the back door to her family home and kicked the door shut behind her, her arms laden with a great deal of things that her mother simply couldn’t function without. ‘Merry Christmas’, she muttered to herself as she dumped some bags on the counter. Her only brother entered the room with a content smile on his face and ran a hand through his freshly cut and styled hair, which he knew was something he detested. Not because he lived with the bears and the bees now in the woods, but because he’d never been the kind of guy to put too much effort into how he looked. He wore a suit when he knew he had to, wore a tux when he knew he had to and Addison told him to, he had gotten his hair cut when Addison made a face at him each time it came up in discussion. It wasn’t that she had held that much of his puppet string in her hand, merely because he simply wanted to show off for her. She spotted her mother’s eyes light up like the lights on the tree in the living room and immediately cut in before her mother could send what had the makings of a nice relaxed Christmas into the high powered fan.
“We went to the city.” She said quickly. Making eyes at Eleanor while Derek turned to get something out of the fridge.
“The city that you and millions of other people inhabited for a short while.” she added.
“You and lots of other people.” Eleanor added.
“People who you lived in close quarters with.” Nancy piped up from behind the middle aged ostrich size turkey.
“Did you run into Mark? Is that why you’re acting like a small fidgety bird?” Derek enquired, arching a brow in curiosity.
“Close enough.” Nancy sighed and went to packing the bags. Derek turned towards Eleanor with the expressions of a lost puppy.
Eleanor’s face broke into a huge, warm smile. Her eyes conveyed a look that said she could either ruin his life or enlighten him in the style of Ghandi.
“We had lunch with Addison.” She finished.
There was a steady silence in the room as Derek moved around Eleanor and stepped into the pantry. Rummaging for something he didn’t need. They didn’t know that.
“She looks good you know.” Nancy called out off handily.
Eleanor promptly smacked upside the head with a candy cane before jamming it into some icing in front of the two storey detached gingerbread house. Nancy arched an eyebrow and Eleanor gestured that it was some kind of picket fence.
“Festive.” Lisa commented as she strolled into the kitchen, her cell phone jammed between her shoulder and her ear as she juggled empty plates and fairy lights in both hands.
“Speaking of. I thought we could all go to the carol singing tonight. At the tree outside Milford Church. It might be nice, and all the money goes to a children’s charity.” Eleanor sent Lisa and Nancy a look which in the past had settled many a dispute over Dolly and Mr.Buttons and where they should stay for the afternoon.
Derek looked between his sister’s and Eleanor. Milford church was where Addison’s family went every Christmas for the carol singing. The Montgomery’s weren’t exactly religious, it was more a tradition that they showed up at mass every Christmas, sometimes at Easter. If her parents were in the country. They liked to take trips to Europe, see the opera in Prague and visit Addison’s mother’s side of the family on the lay over’s.
“That’s settled then. We’ll go and we’ll enjoy ourselves. Someone tell the others.” When Eleanor spoke it was more of an order rather then a suggestion. She wiped her palms and adjusted on last liquorice gutter before leaving in the direction of the stairs.
Derek looked questioningly at Nancy, demanding to know how this could possibly be explained.
Nancy simply shrugged. “She was in the city Derek. Alone, wearing her sweats.”
= = = = = = = = = = = = =
The air crisp. The snow was cold. The lights had that simple twinkle that made it look just a little bit magical. Kids dashed between the legs of jovial looking patrons. Some with buckets stuck to their hands, jingling with loose change. Others just joining in because it was the time of year they could. The choir stood on their slightly raised steps. Mouths moving in unison. Voices floating in harmony. A small cloud of mist hovered above their heads, adding a mist effect to the glittering tree. It looked like something from a greeting card as the crowd of people shifting about, welcoming one another in their warm winter coats of varying colours and shapes. Hats, scarves and gloves were welcome accessories and were eyed enviously by the people with hands shoved angrily into pockets, reddish noses and frosting hair.
“Ah shit!” Archer Montgomery exclaimed when his foot smashed the frozen over puddle and icy slush proceeded to soak through his sock.
“Move would you.” Lily thumped him between the shoulder blades with her mitten covered hands as she tried to exit the vehicle gracefully.
“Give it over. Right now.” Helen hissed as she swept past, her timeless Christmas coat fanning around her. Immediately heads began swivelling and tongues wagged impatiently as the local community and it’s mother in-law waited to see who else would emerge from the car.
“Big stupid head on ya.” Luke smirked as he sauntered past the two, promptly receiving a snowball across the back of his head. He spun around, fixing his brother with a menacing glare, until a trio of giggling elves made themselves known. Luke laughed and bent down to gather some snow of his own to retaliate. Immediately the troupe scattered.
“Pick on someone your own size.” Addison commented as she adjusted her deep purple beret on atop her head.
“Where the hell have you been?” Lily asked as the four fell into step with on another. Oliver Montgomery turned at the sound of his children’s voices and shuffling feet. He shot his daughter a warm smile before turning back to the circle of people he had been talking with.
“I took a drive. Ran into some people.”
“Who?” Archer asked curiously.
“Are you having a laugh?” Luke suddenly burst, stopping in his tracks.
“You have got to be kidding me.” A shrill voice cut through the frosty air. Eyes widened and conversations immediately hushed. Kathleen turned to her mother, a look of utter disbelief written on her features.
“You are not cupid.” Tara whispered to her mother as she watched her older brother’s face very closely.
“I was not expecting this.” Addison whispered. She averted her gaze to the tree. She took a sharp left and made her way slowly towards the tree which loomed above the crowd. Derek watched her for a few seconds before he left his dumbstruck family and also made his way to the tree.
The rest of the siblings continued to face each other across the fifteen foot ice ocean.
“So, how’s everyone been?” Archer called out across the distance. Lily reached out and slapped his arm before making her way towards the Shepherds. She had forgotten how many of them there actually were when all the in-laws and kids were in the same place. She supposed her family were like that too, what lacked in numbers they made up for in sheer force.
Kathleen quickly stepped forward and caught her old in-law in a warm hug. As each stepped back from the embrace, a million questions ran through each individuals mind.
“It’s the holidays dear, things are not supposed to make sense.” Eleanor whispered as she squeezed Lily’s arm and made her way over to give both the Montgomery brother’s a quick hug.
“Fair enough.” Nancy shrugged as she watched her mother take off on a lap of working the room, or, parking lot really.
Derek slowly approached the tree. He kept his eyes focused on the red head standing, looking mesmerised by the twinkling lights and the colourful baubles dripping from the branches. He drew himself up to his full height, more for his own comfort than anything else. He moved his line of vision and picked out a particularly red ball dangling from a thin branch. Weighing it down with what appeared to Derek as a vengeance. He could hear her draw in a deep breath. Unconsciously he found himself repeating the motion.
“It’s the smell.” she whispered, her voice barely audibly above the surrounding crowd.
He heard her. He always heard her.
“Definitely the smell.” he nodded in agreement. He shot a quick glance over his shoulder. He found it hard to see how both of their families could just, blend. They didn’t gather in halted, censored conversation. They didn’t start boxing matches, or verbal ones for that matter. They enjoyed each other’s company, for the most part. That was an achievement in itself considering that most immediate families don’t exactly enjoy each other’s company for very long anyway.
“It’s harder at this time, isn’t it?” he asked for his own reassurance. To know it wasn’t just him. It wasn’t just his head and heart and anything in between acting like and irrational fool. It was real. Things like this don’t just disappear because you’ve found someone new. A marriage. It lasts. It lasts and it haunts you. It haunted them because it was so unfinished. So much left unsaid rips at you and tears you down.
“It’s harder at this time.” she agreed. “It’s hard anyway. We never got to finish it out.”
“Gave it a good run though.” he dug his hands into his pockets as they turned to face each other.
They shared a smile before the tree and they suddenly realised, they would never be able to stop the hurt. They would always miss each other this time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Rating: PG-13, minor cursing and a lackage of fluff, rainbows and puppies.
Summary: It gets harder at this time. Sometimes you have to go back to the basics. Back home. I don't know how AU it is, it couldn't be very much AU anyway.
A/N: I just wanted to write some Post- divorce Addison/Derek at Christmas. This is completely unbetaed and, I'm not even going to lie, I haven't even read through it all together. I finished it literally five minutes ago and wanted to post it before Christmas was definetly over. My apologies in advance. I also hope this blasted LJ-cut works! Also, if you pay close attention to names and such, you might recognise some people.
Disclaimer: A general disclaimer can be found in the user-info. As usual, I own nothing, merely like to play puppets with these characters.
This Time
It was the smell, she reasoned. It was that distinct smell when she stepped inside the familiar surroundings that led her to where she was now. The where being the base of the refrigerator. The cool surface that gleamed in the pale moonlight pressed hard against the place where spine curved as she hugged her knees tight to her chest and cried against her jeans.
It was the smell, and not the aching that had been lying dormant in her chest for nearly three years now. The aching. It made it hard to breathe. It brought the whole atmosphere down upon her shoulders, not wanting to be held up, but wanting to keep her down. It was the ache that didn’t allow her the eights hours she herself rammed down patients throats. It was that ache let her only have seven fit full hours, if she was lucky, she was a surgeon after all, before her alarm woke her up and forced her to prep herself for her day. She need one whole hour before she could will herself to raise her body from beneath her covers, rising up and into the day. Breathing in and out and deeply and slowly as possible, forcing her to concentrate on her breathing and not that ache inside her.
It was the smell that had led her to sink down on the cool tiles and let that ache inside her shatter to her pieces. She gripped the denim between her fingers as her body heaved with sobs. They started deep down in her gut and were pulled up through her throat mercilessly by the hurt she felt cursing through her veins.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was not supposed to be here. She slammed her palms down hard on the ground by her sides in a desperate effort to shake the pain from her body. Some days that was the only way she could describe it, that pain when you wake up and realise that you have to go on. She had to keep moving. She brushed the tears from her cheeks and raked her fingers through her hair.
There was a sudden shuffling at her feet and she could hear the gentle taping of what she thought were claws on the tile at her feet. A sudden explosion of fur appeared in her face suddenly. Addison pushed the animal away from her face, holding it by the collar at arms length until she recognised the features in the gentle light from the moon and the back porch light which filtered itself in the window above the sink.
“Hey there,” she whispered gently. The dog craned forward against Addison’s hold to try desperately to sniff at her hair, her face, the collar of her light jacket. The dog clambered, all paws and hind legs, halfway into Addison’s lap, forcing Addison to uncurl from her position and straighten her legs before her herself. Addison was surprised when the dog hopped up slightly and placed her paws on her shoulders. She was grateful though as she wrapped her arms around the dogs wriggling body and buried her face in her fur. The dog sniffed loudly into her hair as Addison let the tears slide into the dogs dark coat. She let the dog fall away from her and apologised meekly for getting her soft fur all snotty and damp with tears. The dog merely dug her nose into Addison’s linked hands and started licking at her damp skin, salty from the tears she had cried into her palms.
“It’s so fucking hard.” she whispered. “It’s not just me. Everybody’s lives are hard. Life is not easy.” she scratched behind the dog’s ear with one hand and sniffled.
“Why can’t I just suck it up and get on with it. Why do I end up here sooner or later. Why do I have to breakdown before I can keep going. I’m like a shit car you inherit from a bitter aunt.” she whispered to the dog, she couldn’t help but smile when the dog looked up at her with big soulful brown eyes before moving and butting her head into the crook of Addison’s elbow so she could reach her other hand better.
The light above the oven suddenly clicked into life and Addison’s eyes were drawn to a figure moving into the kitchen.
The person bent down when the dog trotted over and wound it’s way between their legs.
“I wasn’t expecting you so late.” the woman said as she made her way to the kettle and brought it to the sink to fill it up with water to boil. “I would have left on a light or two.” she intoned quietly as she replaced the kettle on it’s stand and flicked the switch. She moved over to stand before Addison, her figure less daunting and more careful, afraid that if she were to step on her the frail Addison beneath her would crumble from her pieces into dust. She held out a hand and Addison took it, lifting herself off the ground and to her feet. She sank into her mother’s embrace. Despite the blood bond they shared and the lives they had lived which had been intertwined so intricately, it still felt awkward and stiff, it lasted about 0.5 seconds longer then most though.
Helen Forbes-Montgomery pulled a chair out from where it had been tucked neatly under the table and sat herself down, shifting slightly and pulling a book out from underneath her with a raised eyebrow.
“It’s not even a good one.” she murmured before sliding it across the table.
Addison turned the book over in her hands, examining the cover. “Andie gave it eight out of ten. Couldn’t be that bed.” she responded absentmindedly as the dog made her way over to her feet and started sniffing the leather which adorned them.
“I think Dame Judy missed you. It’s a shame you never got to say goodbye to Julie. Poor Judy hasn’t been the same since.” Helen said as she rubbed the dog’s head affectionately.
Addison rolled her eyes, why couldn’t they call their pets something normal, she had suggested Sammy for a hamster growing up and had nearly been disowned. She let her head sink down into her folded arms when she thought of any of the many reasons she could be disowned now.
“It couldn’t be that bad Addie.” her mom touched her head lightly as she rose and reached the counter just as the kettle boiled and switched itself off.
One thing that she could never be certain of was if she loathed or loved the innate ability each member of her family held for making everything seem insignificant. Sure, her mother might have been passed out in the bathroom hugging her best friend, the wine bottle, but the fact that it just started to rain outside was much more alarming. Her family, herself included, had become so good at acting and lying to everyone on the outside that eventually they had begun to do it to themselves. The thought made Addison feel slightly hollow inside when she thought of her past in that sense.
‘Harder then you ever imagined.’
The muted thud of a cup being placed on the table before her made Addison lift her head and push her hair back from her face. She let her hands hold her head up for a moment and studied the woman before her for a moment. Those eyes, the wave of the hair, the lips and the cheekbones. All the same, but yet, when it came down to it, to things deep inside, the two women sitting within three feet of each other. Mother and daughter, could not have been more different.
= = = = = = = = = = =
To finish something requires a great deal of things, qualities you could call them. These were all things that Addison had always imagined she possessed. That she held firmly in grasp without question. Without fear of losing even one and having the world ripped from beneath her feet and going from having her head on her shoulders to somewhere on the floor in a second.
When she looked back on her life so far it made her feel proud to have accomplished so much in her time on earth. There was, of course, one glaring failure that smacked her in the face every time she spent some time in reflection. Her marriage.
“My failed marriage.” she muttered into her cup of coffee, keeping her eyes fixed on the scene playing out on the outside of the double glazed window. Curled up warm and tightly on the seat which had been built nicely into the bay window of her old bedroom, she observed the world with tired eyes. She wondered how someone as enamoured with the holiday season, as she was, could feel so lost and spiralling, as she did, right now. She watched three of the male members of her family grappling with a medium sized Canadian Spruce beside her father’s expensive looking car. Home for the holidays. What a mixed bag of emotions that produced.
Her door opened with the slightest of creaks and almost immediately she knew who it was. Someone she didn’t feel like talking too. She pulled the neck line of the oversized college sweatshirt closer to her eye line again and inhaled deeply.
Without saying anything, Helen Montgomery moved swiftly through her daughter’s room, straightening things, adjusting pillows and various other useless ornaments. She ran a palm quickly over the now straightened bed and smiled contentedly. She gave the room another quick once over and couldn’t help but falter slightly at the appearance of her daughter. It’s hard for a mother to watch her child be in pain, it was harder when you could see the aching that takes place in their heart. In Addison’s case, in her entire being. She made her way over to the window and took the now empty mug from her daughter’s rigid hands.
“You take the rest of these downstairs, and your dirty laundry too. You could give me a little bit of help around here, it would be nice.” she pushed gently.
Addison didn’t even blink, Helen wondered if she had registered her presence in the room at all. Then she saw the slight pinch at the corners of her daughter’s mouth.
“For Christ’s sake Addison! Maybe if you weren’t so bloody indifferent all the time your husband would have been more welcoming to the idea of talking things through with you instead of fucking off with that young thing.” Helen snapped, and immediately wished she hadn’t. her hand flew to her mouth as Addison rose quickly from her seat. Grabbing her laundry basket in one hand and a gathering of dirty plates and mugs in the other, she bolted from the room and down the stairs.
Helen merely turned and watched the scene outside of the window.
A violent splintering of ceramic and tile made her blink sharply.
The noise was followed by a flurry of red hair and a black coat racing towards the silver Jaguar parked in the snowy drive beside the old horsebox. She watched two of her sons and her husband watch in curiosity as Addison sped off down the drive with the skill and noise level of a NASCAR driver. She continued to watch only her husband look up towards the window she stood at, shake his head and return to the wrestling match at hand.
As she arrived downstairs in the kitchen to see one of her other daughter’s, Lily, standing over the explosion of dishes before the dishwasher.
“Leave it. Just make sure to wear socks or shoes in her until she gets back.”
Lily eyed her mother curiously before tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and pursing her lips.
“You have to stop being so lenient with her.” she called after her mother, who casually tossed a hand over her shoulder in acknowledgement as she retreated down the hallway with her book and reading glasses.
= = = = = = = = =
Addison drove as fast as she could to absolutely no where. Halfway down the main street of the sleepy town they inhabited and she couldn’t even remember what the point of driving anywhere was. She pulled in at the closest available space and did a fantastic parallel parking job before getting out and locking her car with a beep.
Two weeks. For two weeks she had been living in this god forsaken town again. For two weeks she hadn’t stepped out the door of her own house, aside from a quick late night trip or three to the closest shop to stock up on a couple of things. As she strolled down the snow swept streets and glanced at various glittering window displays and rushed looking faces passed her by, she knew she had to get out of there.
With all the energy of a race horse she sped back to her car, put it in gear and headed for the interstate. Her destination, New York City.
She didn’t know why exactly she had chosen this particular building to park in front of, but she had chosen it so she got out and slammed the door shut again. It wasn’t until she walked twenty steps down the street that she realised she was wearing a pair of casual baggy jeans with a tank top and comfortably old sweatshirt with her black Chanel coat and a warm beanie on her head with a pair of old converse sneakers.
“I look like I can’t accept my own age.” she whispered to herself as she shook her head in disbelief. She ran a finger over her lips and realised that at least she was wearing lip balm. Her lips would be soft if nothing else.
After wondering around most of her favourite haunts, as many as were in reasonable walking distance, she retired to a small coffee shop which she had frequented regularly when she had been in permanent residence in the city.
It was busy, but not too crowded. She ordered her hot chocolate and sank down into one of the overstuffed leather chairs in the corner, where she had a perfect view of just about everyone.
That was when she was nearly certain her heart stopped. Was that? No. It couldn’t be. Wouldn’t be.
“Oh shit.” Addison gaped.
“It’s chocolate actually.” Her cocky underpaid, underage waiter responded with a smirk.
Addison glanced at him, sizing him up in a millisecond.
“I have leather corsets that are older than you.” She shot back, signalling with her eyes that she was not one to mess with right now. The teenager immediately deflated and returned to his post by perculator.
Addison concentrated intensely on making herself invisible, a task that for someone like her was damn near impossible, she wasn’t used to being the wallflower.
The door opened again in a bustle of shopping bags and brunette hair.
“Oh shit.”
Nancy Shepherd-Maguire quickly made her way over to the upmarket deli and joined her mother, Eleanor Shepherd. Addison was sure she was in the clear until they reached the till and Eleanor turned around to survey the seating arrangements. Almost instantly her eyes locked on Addison.
“Oh shit.”
= = = = = = = = = =
Nancy entered the back door to her family home and kicked the door shut behind her, her arms laden with a great deal of things that her mother simply couldn’t function without. ‘Merry Christmas’, she muttered to herself as she dumped some bags on the counter. Her only brother entered the room with a content smile on his face and ran a hand through his freshly cut and styled hair, which he knew was something he detested. Not because he lived with the bears and the bees now in the woods, but because he’d never been the kind of guy to put too much effort into how he looked. He wore a suit when he knew he had to, wore a tux when he knew he had to and Addison told him to, he had gotten his hair cut when Addison made a face at him each time it came up in discussion. It wasn’t that she had held that much of his puppet string in her hand, merely because he simply wanted to show off for her. She spotted her mother’s eyes light up like the lights on the tree in the living room and immediately cut in before her mother could send what had the makings of a nice relaxed Christmas into the high powered fan.
“We went to the city.” She said quickly. Making eyes at Eleanor while Derek turned to get something out of the fridge.
“The city that you and millions of other people inhabited for a short while.” she added.
“You and lots of other people.” Eleanor added.
“People who you lived in close quarters with.” Nancy piped up from behind the middle aged ostrich size turkey.
“Did you run into Mark? Is that why you’re acting like a small fidgety bird?” Derek enquired, arching a brow in curiosity.
“Close enough.” Nancy sighed and went to packing the bags. Derek turned towards Eleanor with the expressions of a lost puppy.
Eleanor’s face broke into a huge, warm smile. Her eyes conveyed a look that said she could either ruin his life or enlighten him in the style of Ghandi.
“We had lunch with Addison.” She finished.
There was a steady silence in the room as Derek moved around Eleanor and stepped into the pantry. Rummaging for something he didn’t need. They didn’t know that.
“She looks good you know.” Nancy called out off handily.
Eleanor promptly smacked upside the head with a candy cane before jamming it into some icing in front of the two storey detached gingerbread house. Nancy arched an eyebrow and Eleanor gestured that it was some kind of picket fence.
“Festive.” Lisa commented as she strolled into the kitchen, her cell phone jammed between her shoulder and her ear as she juggled empty plates and fairy lights in both hands.
“Speaking of. I thought we could all go to the carol singing tonight. At the tree outside Milford Church. It might be nice, and all the money goes to a children’s charity.” Eleanor sent Lisa and Nancy a look which in the past had settled many a dispute over Dolly and Mr.Buttons and where they should stay for the afternoon.
Derek looked between his sister’s and Eleanor. Milford church was where Addison’s family went every Christmas for the carol singing. The Montgomery’s weren’t exactly religious, it was more a tradition that they showed up at mass every Christmas, sometimes at Easter. If her parents were in the country. They liked to take trips to Europe, see the opera in Prague and visit Addison’s mother’s side of the family on the lay over’s.
“That’s settled then. We’ll go and we’ll enjoy ourselves. Someone tell the others.” When Eleanor spoke it was more of an order rather then a suggestion. She wiped her palms and adjusted on last liquorice gutter before leaving in the direction of the stairs.
Derek looked questioningly at Nancy, demanding to know how this could possibly be explained.
Nancy simply shrugged. “She was in the city Derek. Alone, wearing her sweats.”
= = = = = = = = = = = = =
The air crisp. The snow was cold. The lights had that simple twinkle that made it look just a little bit magical. Kids dashed between the legs of jovial looking patrons. Some with buckets stuck to their hands, jingling with loose change. Others just joining in because it was the time of year they could. The choir stood on their slightly raised steps. Mouths moving in unison. Voices floating in harmony. A small cloud of mist hovered above their heads, adding a mist effect to the glittering tree. It looked like something from a greeting card as the crowd of people shifting about, welcoming one another in their warm winter coats of varying colours and shapes. Hats, scarves and gloves were welcome accessories and were eyed enviously by the people with hands shoved angrily into pockets, reddish noses and frosting hair.
“Ah shit!” Archer Montgomery exclaimed when his foot smashed the frozen over puddle and icy slush proceeded to soak through his sock.
“Move would you.” Lily thumped him between the shoulder blades with her mitten covered hands as she tried to exit the vehicle gracefully.
“Give it over. Right now.” Helen hissed as she swept past, her timeless Christmas coat fanning around her. Immediately heads began swivelling and tongues wagged impatiently as the local community and it’s mother in-law waited to see who else would emerge from the car.
“Big stupid head on ya.” Luke smirked as he sauntered past the two, promptly receiving a snowball across the back of his head. He spun around, fixing his brother with a menacing glare, until a trio of giggling elves made themselves known. Luke laughed and bent down to gather some snow of his own to retaliate. Immediately the troupe scattered.
“Pick on someone your own size.” Addison commented as she adjusted her deep purple beret on atop her head.
“Where the hell have you been?” Lily asked as the four fell into step with on another. Oliver Montgomery turned at the sound of his children’s voices and shuffling feet. He shot his daughter a warm smile before turning back to the circle of people he had been talking with.
“I took a drive. Ran into some people.”
“Who?” Archer asked curiously.
“Are you having a laugh?” Luke suddenly burst, stopping in his tracks.
“You have got to be kidding me.” A shrill voice cut through the frosty air. Eyes widened and conversations immediately hushed. Kathleen turned to her mother, a look of utter disbelief written on her features.
“You are not cupid.” Tara whispered to her mother as she watched her older brother’s face very closely.
“I was not expecting this.” Addison whispered. She averted her gaze to the tree. She took a sharp left and made her way slowly towards the tree which loomed above the crowd. Derek watched her for a few seconds before he left his dumbstruck family and also made his way to the tree.
The rest of the siblings continued to face each other across the fifteen foot ice ocean.
“So, how’s everyone been?” Archer called out across the distance. Lily reached out and slapped his arm before making her way towards the Shepherds. She had forgotten how many of them there actually were when all the in-laws and kids were in the same place. She supposed her family were like that too, what lacked in numbers they made up for in sheer force.
Kathleen quickly stepped forward and caught her old in-law in a warm hug. As each stepped back from the embrace, a million questions ran through each individuals mind.
“It’s the holidays dear, things are not supposed to make sense.” Eleanor whispered as she squeezed Lily’s arm and made her way over to give both the Montgomery brother’s a quick hug.
“Fair enough.” Nancy shrugged as she watched her mother take off on a lap of working the room, or, parking lot really.
Derek slowly approached the tree. He kept his eyes focused on the red head standing, looking mesmerised by the twinkling lights and the colourful baubles dripping from the branches. He drew himself up to his full height, more for his own comfort than anything else. He moved his line of vision and picked out a particularly red ball dangling from a thin branch. Weighing it down with what appeared to Derek as a vengeance. He could hear her draw in a deep breath. Unconsciously he found himself repeating the motion.
“It’s the smell.” she whispered, her voice barely audibly above the surrounding crowd.
He heard her. He always heard her.
“Definitely the smell.” he nodded in agreement. He shot a quick glance over his shoulder. He found it hard to see how both of their families could just, blend. They didn’t gather in halted, censored conversation. They didn’t start boxing matches, or verbal ones for that matter. They enjoyed each other’s company, for the most part. That was an achievement in itself considering that most immediate families don’t exactly enjoy each other’s company for very long anyway.
“It’s harder at this time, isn’t it?” he asked for his own reassurance. To know it wasn’t just him. It wasn’t just his head and heart and anything in between acting like and irrational fool. It was real. Things like this don’t just disappear because you’ve found someone new. A marriage. It lasts. It lasts and it haunts you. It haunted them because it was so unfinished. So much left unsaid rips at you and tears you down.
“It’s harder at this time.” she agreed. “It’s hard anyway. We never got to finish it out.”
“Gave it a good run though.” he dug his hands into his pockets as they turned to face each other.
They shared a smile before the tree and they suddenly realised, they would never be able to stop the hurt. They would always miss each other this time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!