TABULA RASA; XIUHAN, PG-13 part 2
They set up a meeting with the Effacers for the 25th. It’s cloudy, Luhan’s hair is dyed back to black, and Minseok looks like he hasn’t had a good sleep in weeks. Their greetings are numb nods so different from the greetings that had consisted of linked pinkies, shy lip bites, and eye smiles.
The lobby they walk into is clean, not a sterile white of a doctor’s office but a muted champagne color and Minseok automatically scans the room, nodding at the soft tones of the lobby designed to calm and soothe. The receptionist checks them right in, handing them both clipboards that are shoved with papers that warn them of things ahead. They settle on the chairs to read over the small print and to write down pertinent information and after they hand back the boards, the receptionist promptly clicks a small button on the edge of his desk and says that Lu and Kim are here for their appointment.
There’s silence for a moment before there’s a quiet click and a door to the left of the desk clicks open. The receptionist nods once, saying, “The Effacers will see you now.”
Luhan and Minseok give their muted thanks and they walk through the door, unsure of what to expect.
The room they step into is something confusing. It’s simultaneously designed to set the visitor in a more comfortable mood but the decor is so common and plain it’s almost like simulating a hotel room, a decor style that’s easily forgotten.
There are two men waiting for them, taking up 2 of the 4 chairs set out. It’s obviously set out for the other visitors to sit on the empty chairs that face inwards like a diamond. Luhan and Minseok’s steps are hesitant and the two men turn from their quiet conversation to their guests.
“Hello,” one begins, his name tag flashing Byun Baekhyun, “you two must be Luhan and Kim Minseok. Have a seat, have a seat.”
The other, his name tag reads Do Kyungsoo isn’t smiling as widely as Byun is but he’s trying to smile, but something in his smile tells Minseok that he isn’t used to trying to comfort people. Minseok wonders for a moment if he’s new.
They settle uneasily on the unoccupied chairs and just like that, their session begins.
It goes smoothly, with the two Effacers asking them all the questions that they had expected, “why did you decide to partake in our services?”, “have you asked your loved ones whether they have agreed to not interfere with the treatment?”. Byun works at making Luhan and Minseok feel more open, typing down their answers onto a small tablet on his lap and Do is crystal clear at explaining what happens during the procedure and what they should expect in the following weeks of the Effacing.
It’s the first of the 3 consultations that Luhan and Minseok will receive before they could be approved to undergo the procedure, with reassurances from the people whom they interacted/interact with that they understand what will have happened to Luhan and Minseok’s memories and how they must act around the two while their brain works to modify their memories.
Do cuts it down to simple, layman terms what will become of Minseok and Luhan’s memories of each other and how their brains will adjust to the lack of the memories. It’s designed to attach on certain synapses that fire when thinking of the person in question, following a trail of sorts of memories associated with the feeling, person, or environment. It’s designed to alter the memories if they’re too large to completely erase and erase the smaller memories and Do is quick to assure them that it’ll leave them with no lasting damage, just a feeling of deja vu and that off feeling that they’ve forgotten something. The first few weeks will be disorientating but will fade in time as their brains come up with fake or altered memories, something the brain automatically does upon receiving trauma as self defense.
Regardless of all the informations Byun and Do feed them, none of it makes Minseok hesitate from his original decision so when they walk out of the office, minds reeling from the reality that this is actually happening, Luhan quietly asks Minseok, “Do you still want this?”
Minseok’s reply is quiet, but not hesitant. “Yes.”
They go home to separate apartments that evening.
Minseok has to tell his coworkers, his friends, and his family, all those that knew Luhan and those who knew about him and Luhan of the situation and what to expect in the future. The number is thankfully low, as even though Luhan and Minseok were together for a considerable amount of time, they hadn’t exactly paraded their relationship about, Minseok being more of a private man.
Although not everyone had agreed on the decision, they had eventually given in to resignation to the ex-couple’s actions, agreeing to the company’s terms. As precaution to making sure that as many memories are erased, the pair’s memories of the Effacers will also be erased, meaning that the Effacers cannot go and check upon the patients themselves. While there will be a few people here and there sent out to check on their progress, most of the reporting and observing will be relied upon friends and families, people who are already in the patients’ lives.
There’s one or two photos on social media of them and it’s easily taken down, things from their past given away or tossed, and one by one every tangible trace of what they used to be is deleted from their lives.
The weeks fall away and the weather turns hotter. Luhan and Minseok jump through all the hoops required of them to ensure that the Effacing goes as smoothly as possible. The last 2 consultations go by without a hitch and they’re approved for the procedure, The weeks leading up are wrought full of tears, stress, minor breakdowns, but none of them are enough to not go through with the procedure.
Minseok knows that it’s time to let go but he can’t without this.
((It’s on their third consultation when Luhan blurts out, “Has anyone undergone this procedure? Before us?” It’s not that Luhan and Minseok are unsure if Effacing’s approved by the government, it is, and it definitely has enough red tape and back up plans to make sure that nothing goes wrong, so they aren’t worried about that. It’s really their concern about what to expect after and if the Effacing’s actually permanent.
Do blinks up at Luhan, pen stilling. After he looks at Luhan’s wide eyes, his stare shifts over to Byun and in that moment, Minseok knows that they have their own history. It’s easy enough to tell from they way that the two Effacers are able to communicate without saying a word, from the way Do’s fist clenches white, the way that Byun’s lips thin out and how he swallows.
It all happens within seconds and it’s with the most miniscule nod that Byun gives Do, that Do turns back to Luhan.
Luhan’s mouth drops open and he just quietly says, “oh.”
Byun fills in the gaps, “We Effaced our memories of each other, but since we designed this and we’re co-founders, we resumed contact eventually. We wanted to experience it ourselves to be able to describe the experience as accurately as possible. Before our trial, we had written down on journals as much as we could of what we could remember, as we designed the Effacing to be permanent. During the trial, we kept away from each other and had our co-workers to observe us. After a number of weeks, our co-workers showed us our journals and videos that we had designed to catch us up as much as possible.
“However, even as we have written down and even recorded some things, the actual memory has not returned to neither of us, even after resuming contact. We can,” Do and Byun exchange looks, “personally guarantee that none of it comes back.”
There’s some words that Minseok feels that is left unsaid, some regrets, but it’s beyond what Minseok needs to know. It’s their personal life and Minseok is grateful that they’ve shared this much.
“Thank you,” Minseok says quietly.
Do looks at Minseok with this unfathomable expression before nodding once.
His stomach clenches from fear, anticipation, and relief.))
The night before the Effacing arrives without any fanfare, Minseok coerced by Jongin to have a sleepover, just to make sure Minseok doesn’t have any last minute regrets. Minseok knows that it's really so that Jongin can reassure Minseok that he has people he can depend on.
Jongin and Jongdae crash at Minseok’s place, one with a concerned grin and another with cheeky mouth.
“It’s like a grownup sleepover where we talk about our feelings and emotions,” Jongdae greets Minseok when he opens the door, cup of coffee in his hand.
Jongin goes for another observation, frowning at the mug in Minseok’s hand. “Hyung, it’s like 8pm, why do you need coffee?”
Minseok shrugs, closing the door after the both of them shuffle into the apartment and Jongdae drops his bag like it’s his home and crawls onto the couch. “They told me that it would be best to not have any alcohol within 48 hours of the Effacing to make sure that nothing gets too messed up when they’re messing with my brain. Since I couldn’t drink, I made do with coffee.”
The tallest of the three doesn’t make another comment on the coffee but just makes his way into the living room to shove Minseok’s coffee table off to the side, ignoring Minseok’s protest, and declaring that if they were to do a grownup sleepover, they’d have to all sleep in the living room together.
Minseok groans but he is out voiced by Jongdae’s gleeful agreement.
The night gets wrapped up pretty early in mind for tomorrow, for Minseok’s sake. Due to majority overrule, they spread out blankets on Minseok’s living room floor and trap him in the middle. It’s a little too warm but even though he might elbow the other two for room when they wiggle a little too close to ask Minseok a teasing question, he’s really grateful for the company that they offer.
Jongin’s the first one to knock out, snoring lightly in Minseok’s left ear, and it’s with fond smiles, Jongdae and Minseok float off to sleep. They’ve talked about everything and anything under the sun, from Jongin’s dogs to Jongdae’s job, everything but the elephant in the room.
Minseok’s grateful for the distraction and it’s the first time in weeks that Minseok doesn’t sleep fitfully or awaken with damp cheeks.
His hands are trembling, his throat feels dry. There’s lines and lines of wires wrapped around his head, even a few straps that hold down his limbs. The company had wanted to ensure that there was as little incidence to occur as possible.
It’s the point of no return. There’s no turning back. They’re too far in. Across the glass Minseok can see Luhan mirroring his current position. They’ve said their goodbyes. They’ve said their apologies. They’ve said their hurtful, their healing, their thoughtful, their careless words. It’s past the point of words now. Words don’t ease the ache that Minseok gets at the thought of Luhan.
Minseok meets Luhan’s gaze through the glass one last time. The fear and something else in Luhan’s eyes, he feels is reflected in his.
There’s a sharp sting on his left elbow and he knows that the sedation is being administered. There’s only a few more minutes left of lucidity. What he sees being done to Luhan, he knows is being done to him.
((Minseok wonders how it got this far--how they’ve managed to mess up this badly that he can’t even withstand the burden on the memories of them
Luhan doesn’t know the answer to any of Minseok’s questions.))
Minseok’s vision goes blurry as he gazes at Luhan. Luhan’s apology is written in this achingly resigned expression and Minseok wants to say it isn’t his fault.
There’s something heavy dragging in his veins and his thoughts are becoming more and more muddy and difficult to follow as the sedation takes effect. The last thing he sees before his eyes close is Luhan’s mouth move--
I love you.
The alarm trills and it pierces through a fog of sleep and Minseok’s forehead creases. The sound won’t stop, so he reaches over to the phone perched on the edge of the night stand and swipes haphazardly across the screen. The noise blessedly stops and Minseok smiles.
But what’s done is done and he’s awake and he knows that it’s time for work. Ignoring his brain’s tempting command to go back to sleep, he reaches for his phone. At the click of the home button, the screen lights up and he flinches at the brightness.
The time tells him that it’s time for him to get up to get himself into work, but he takes a minute mercy to unlock the device and check for any reminders he’d set for himself the night before. The reminders tab is blank and that’s his cue to get out of bed.
With a small groan, Minseok swings his legs over the side of the bed and peels the blankets away from his body. Standing up straight to stretch sleepily, he expects the headrush as the blood follows gravity but there’s the oddest sense of deja vu that makes him feel like he’s done this before. It’s such a strong feeling that he sits, head reeling, but for the life of him, he can’t remember why.
When Minseok stands up to try again, the feeling disappear and there’s the vague question of what?, before that disappears, too.
He carries on with his morning routine but nothing brings the feeling back and he dismisses it.
Minseok’s walking to the subway to make his way home, freshly finished with a consultation with a patron, happy off the feeling that they’ve managed to nail down which pieces that they want in the living room, when his cell rings.
“Hello? Minseok greets, knowing that it’s already Jongin, thanks to caller id.
“Oh! Hello, hyung!” Jongin says, after a pause, as though he wasn’t quite expecting Minseok to answer.
“Hey Jongin, why did you called?” Minseok asks, half paying attention, weaving through the crush of people going in the general direction of the station.
Jongin speaks hesitantly, like he’s unsure of what he’s supposed to say, “Oh...I just wanted to call to see how you were doing.”
Minseok’s a little confused but is pleasantly surprised. Jongin’s never called to just make small talk like this unless he’s calling for a clear purpose. They usually leave the idle pratter for face to face conversation. “I’m fine,” Minseok says with a little chuckle, “I’m just on my way home from work, so that’s why it’s a little loud in the background.”
He arrives at the correct platform to wait for the subway when Jongin speaks again, “That’s good, hyung. I was just wondering how you were since I’ve been busier lately and we haven’t spoken in awhile. Perhaps you might have some free time and we can hangout?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right, it has been awhile, huh? You know, I don’t have anything planned tonight, do you want to grab some dinner tonight? I’ll just go home to change and then we can check in for dinner in a bit.”
Jongin makes a noise of approval, agreeing to the impromptu dinner plans and they hang up before Minseok’s train arrives for Minseok to avoid the crush while on a phone call.
When Jongin sees Minseok, he’s got this half hesitant smile on that Minseok attributes to exhaustion from work because once Minseok’s really come up to Jongin, the smile turns into his regular, full blown childish smile.
They part later that night, with a teasing remark from Minseok and a whining “Hyung!” from Jongin and Minseok misses Jongin’s quietly concerned look that drops the smile that’s usually always flirting on his lips.
Jongin reaches the safety of his apartment before he pulls out his phone, and within the dark apartment he types out and sends a text to Jongdae. He’s fine.
Minseok’s never been a very social person and had moved out of his parents’ home after he had graduated from university and gotten his job, so he’s rather confused when he settles down after cooking himself dinner and finds that he’s pulled out 2 sets of silverware and 2 plates. It’s even odder to him that he’s apparently cooked more than he can usually eat for himself. He had been distracted while making dinner, making a very simple dish while his brain was whirling, thinking of which shades of blue and purple would contrast but still compliment, and his autopilot had him standing in the kitchen with a furrow in his brow and 2 plates in his hand.
The plates clink softly as he places them back on the counter and he stares hard at the white ceramic as though they hold the answer as to why he’s feeling this way. There’s that strange feeling again. It’s been a week since he had woken up feeling like this and it’s baffling to him. It settles into habit, muscle memory, this is when he would had called out into the apartment ‘Dinner’s ready!, this is when he might feel someone’s arms wrap around his waist and a soft voice would whisper in his ear--
A rather loud shout from outside his apartment building startles Minseok and he jerks his head up to stare at the direction from where it comes from. And similar to last week, the feeling disappears and he snaps back to reality. He chalks it up to the fact that he had thought about inviting Jongdae over for dinner one night for the extra large portions of what he had cooked and places one ceramic plate back in the cupboard and scoops the rest of his dinner into a tupperware and calls it tomorrow’s lunch.
Minseok finishes up dinner wrapped up around his plate in front of the TV, as he laughs his way through his favorite comedy show. The experience is gone and quickly forgotten, nothing to be remembered of the incident.
His days are pretty much the same day in and day out. Minseok wakes up at the same time everyday, makes his way to work, flits around town doing whatever needs to be done before making his way home. He occasionally deviates from the simple routine by going out with his friends for dinner or going to run his errands. He’s a simple man with his simple routine and Minseok finds comfort from it.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
It’s been about a week since the procedure and I’m sending in my observations. I met up with M on Monday, 3 days after the Effacing and we had dinner together so I could check on him a little longer. I honestly didn’t notice anything remise through the meal but I saw a few times that he glanced at his phone and unlocked it, only to to stop and blink. He had a confused expression, like he had forgotten what he had opened up his phone for. M sometimes checks his phone during our outings, usually to ask L things like errands or things he needs to pick up, so I think that M was trying to do that but he didn’t remember. Aside from that, I didn’t really see anything. I did text him on and off through the week and he didn’t mention anything. According to what you’ve told me, the habitual things will be the ones that confuse him the most. Please email back on what I should keep an eye on.
Thank you,
Kim Jongin
Minseok slowly blinks, sunlight filtering into the room through the blinds and his vision swims. He isn’t seeing the room, but something, a dream, a vision, pulls him away from reality and into a person. Someone with long, soft lashes, someone with a button nose, someone with lips that he knows, lips he’s kissed, lips he’s heard tender things from.
It’s so strong that his chest aches. It’s a soft swelling feeling, a cherished feeling but now that the dream passed after feeling that warmth, Minseok wakes up feeling cold, feeling empty. His arm is outstretched in front of him, as though he’s trying to grab onto that person. He can almost hear that person’s voice ringing in his ears, he can almost feel the soft lashes brush across his cheek.
Minseok doesn’t know why, but his cheeks are sticky, his arm is outstretched, and his chest hurts. It’s just a dream but it feel so real, so vivid. But like all dreams, as Minseok slowly awakens the dream slips away in bits and pieces until he can’t even recall what those eyes were like. He just remembers a vague person and he feels like he’s lost something.
The interior designer just lies there in bed, his sheets bunched up around him, his mind scattered. Glancing at the clock, he can see that most of the morning’s slipped away but the little SUN on the corner of the clock reminds him that it’s the weekend and he can afford the extra sleep. Today, this morning, Minseok doesn’t want to get out of bed. He wants to stay in bed and remember his dream, because whatever he had dreamed about, it felt complete and now that he’s had a taste, he’s famished, craving for that feeling again.
His limbs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds, this crushing pressure on his chest makes him lethargic, unmotivated, longing.
There’s only the sounds of the city filling the silence of the room but Minseok just lies there, staring at the ceiling.
((Minseok wonders why the ceiling’s white and why he hasn’t painted over it yet.))
The shadows of the day slowly move across the white ceiling.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
M asked me today if he’s dated anyone recent. He looked surprised at the question, like he hadn’t expected it to come out or like he was disturbed that he didn’t know the answer himself. I answered no. I think I hesitated a bit because it was so unexpected. Please answer if this is normal, if M should be this preoccupied. He was doing really well through that month after the Effacing but since the beginning of this month he sometimes looks that he’s lost in daydreams when we’re with him.
Thank you,
Kim Jongin
While Minseok’s never been a big fan of flowers, he’s on his way home and for the thousand times that he’s walked past this particular flower shop on his way home, he’s struck by a whim.
I want to buy Daffodils.
He stops in his tracks and there’s an effronted harrumph from behind him. The middle aged lady side steps him, giving him the dirtiest look while Minseok murmurs an apology.
Minseok stands in front of the flower shop for a moment, staring at the sign for a long moment. The interior designer really can’t think of a reason why he wants to buy Daffodils. The bright yellow pigment of the flowers would contrast to the warm tones of his apartment, but for some reason he thinks that he wants a vase of them on his dining counter.
He comes home that evening with a bouquet of Daffodils, placing them lightly on the kitchen table. Minseok stares hard at the flowers, as though if he stared long enough at them the reason why he wanted them so badly would suddenly reveal itself.
His favorite flowers are hydrangeas but everytime he passes by the vase, there’s a phantom feeling of fingers lacing through his and lips pressing softly just behind his ear and a whispered thank you, they’re beautiful following suit.
It keeps coming back. That strange, strange feeling like he’s forgotten something, that strange feeling that makes him furrow his brows, makes him glance over his shoulder, makes him pause keeps coming back. It usually hits him when he’s not paying attention to something, when he’s got time to think and the only thing he hears is either muted city life or silence. When he gets lost in his thoughts, as he is wont to do because he spend a lot of time putting together concepts, that feeling comes crawling back and Minseok doesn’t know what to make of it.
He mentions it to Jongin once. His longtime friend had stiffened up and asked “what?”. Minseok briefly tries to explain it before he realizes that he sounds crazy and dismisses it. Jongin tries to pursue it, ask him to describe it, but Minseok just shakes his head and drops that subject. Jongin had asked if Minseok was feeling ok multiple times through the evening and Minseok constantly replies, “of course.”
The topic is never brought up again and that worried look in Jongin’s eyes fades with time, but Minseok can’t shake off that feeling.
He finds himself humming under his breath, a soft, sweet tune. It’s a tune that he had sung hundreds of times, heard it thousands of times, and he almost feels like there’s lyrics to it. Minseok can’t sing it because while he thinks that while there are lyrics to it, they’re not in a language he can speak. He’s heard this tune thousands of times before but he can’t, for the life of him, remember what it’s called. The name slips away from in that now familiar way of losing something.
It’s driving him nuts. The incidents keep coming back but they’re coming more and more often. The worst is that they’re nothing solid, nothing like a face, a name, anything Minseok can fully grasp on. All that he sees, hears, dreams of are these parameter details. He’ll breath deeply and remember a hint of a cologne, he’ll idly trace patterns into his desk and make strokes like he’s writing something he can’t recognize, he’ll order something that he knows he loves but can’t recall how he was introduced to it. Everything about it is surreal and Minseok’s head is spinning with all these details of a forgotten memory.
It’s like it’s all hidden behind a veil and Minseok can’t throw it aside to see clearly. His vision clouded and he’s frustrated. It’s all so close, like a word on the tip of his tongue, like all it takes is a word and everything will come spilling out from a dam.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
He’s remembering more and more everyday. I know that in your last email you said that we can’t do anything beyond observing him because it’s too dangerous to redo the procedure but I can’t just stand here and watch M go crazier and crazier over this thing that he can’t even remember. Is there nothing at all I can do? Please help Minseok hyung.
It’s been 6 months. I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask, but how is L doing? Is he faring the same as M or is he spared from the vague memories?
Kim Jongin
Minseok awakens on Monday with a name on his tongue but his tongue’s tied and the sound dies in his mouth. It leaves a bitter taste.
TO: kimjongin88@naver.com
FROM: byundo@eproject.com
Byun will answer your email about your first few question in a follow up email. I’m in charge of watching over L’s progress and from my observations as well as L’s check-ins he’s having no similar troubles. He’s gotten a promotion recently and will be leaving the country soon.
Do Kyungsoo
It’s been building up for months. The dam breaks loose on a Wednesday.
Minseok stirred an extra spoonful of sugar into his coffee today. Minseok made 4 eggs today instead of 2. Today, Minseok takes a detour on his way home.
And he winds up in front of an apartment complex. Minseok knows that he’s never seen this place before but it doesn’t matter because his feet are carrying into the lobby and his feet are taking down a hallway to the left of the lobby and then his feet are stopping him in front of a red door. He’s bending down and shifting to the left, not standing directly in front of the door but as though he’s looking for something on the door frame. He might not have a clue as to why he’s doing this but it feels like something he needs to do, and if there’s an answer to Minseok’s madness than he’ll do it.
His eyes stop on a bit of an indention.
There, carved into the frame, is his name and something else written.
Luhan
He’s mouthing the words right back and it’s like he’s found the key to the lock. Everything comes rushing back.
”Hi I’m Luhan. I hadn’t gotten the chance to introduce myself since last time I came in late--”
“Did you know my favorite flowers are Daffodils?”
“That’s appropriate.”
“Why do you say that, Minseok?”
“Because you’re obviously so narcissistic.”
“Shut up, Minseok, oh my god.”
“Minseok, why do you always like your coffee so bitter?”
“It’s healthier that way. Plus, I can actually taste the coffee and not just sugar.”
“Add a little sweetness in your life. I know that I’m pretty sweet but just a little more in your coffee.”
“Shut up, Luhan.”
“You’re beautiful, you’re stunning, Minseok. Have I told you that I love you?”
“Oh--oh. No, I--”
“You don’t have to say it back until you’re ready and if you actually feel that way. I just wanted you to know.”
"Sing it again, Luhan. Whatever that song is, it's got such a lovely tune."
"It's called Tian Mi Mi. It's got really cute lyrics. Fits you perfectly."
"Just sing it, Han."
"'Your smile's so familiar to me, but I still cannot remember where....ah...in my dreams, in my dreams is where I've met you.'"
“I think that you should just move in, Luhan. We can’t keep doing this commute thing. Half the time my apartment ends up empty because I just stay over at your place. We’ve been together for 3 years.”
“Minseok, you just said all that like I’d even argue. I’ll tell my landlord that I’m not renewing my lease this month.”
“It totally makes sense that you should move in--wait. What?”
“Yes, Minseok, you dunce, I’ll move in with you. Now stop talking and kiss me.”
“Happy 5th anniversary, baby. What time do you think you’ll be home tonight?”
“I’m so sorry, Minseok, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish early tonight. There’s a big project that’s about to be presented and I really need to make sure that all the loose ends are tied.”
“Oh. Um, well, that’s ok. I’ll, uh, leave dinner in the fridge.”
“I’m so sorry, Min. Happy 5th anniversary, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Han.”
“Are we drifting apart, Lu? Tell me the truth, I want only the truth.”
“Min, no. No, we’re not drifting apart, we’ve just been busy, that’s all. You know, I think the weather report said that the weather’s going to be beautiful this weekend. Do you want to go out this weekend? Maybe even a road trip? A quick vacation to take a break?”
“Only if you promise to turn off your phone through the weekend. To just enjoy us. To be ourselves again.”
“Anything for you.”
“Luhan? Luhan? This is the 4th time I’ve called and I just wanted to know where you are….I’m getting a little worried so please call back as soon as you can…”
“WHAT THE FUCK, LUHAN. YOU DIDN’T COME HOME THE ENTIRE NIGHT AND YOU WALK IN LOOKING LIKE YOU’VE BEEN RUN OVER BY A CAR. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN.”
“Get off my ass, Minseok. I needed to get away, ok. You’re so overbearing, you’re suffocating me!”
“If I’m suffocating you, goddamit Luhan, just say something! Don’t just not come home the entire night without saying a goddamn word to anyone. Do you know how many people you worried?”
“This, Minseok, this. I can’t even leave the house for a night without you blowing up on me. You worry about too many things. I’m a grown ass man, not a teenager, and you sure as hell aren’t my mother!”
“Fine, Luhan. Fine. I’ll, I’ll stop. I’ll stop worrying about your stupid ass and I’’ll stop sticking my nose into your business all the time because that’s clearly what I always do.”
“Seok...I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you yesterday morning. I...I’ve just been frustrated, I didn’t mean the things I said.”
“Just come home, Luhan, and we’ll talk. Come home, Han.”
“We should break up.”
“Yes.”
Minseok remembers. He remembers all of it and the weight of it makes him want to crumple, to scream, he regrets, he longs, he wants to go back.
He remembers the whisper, the soft way Minseok would wake up to Luhan staring at him with the stupidest love sick expression. He remembers the desperate way that Luhan would cling onto him when they had to take a plane to China to celebrate New Years with Luhan’s parents. He remembers the things that Minseok first fell in love with in Luhan.
Minseok remembers it too late. They’re done and over but Minseok’s running, he’s running, running to where Luhan is. Minseok’s always gotten off work before Luhan so Minseok assumes that Luhan might still be at work and he runs to a chance, a possibility to start over. If Minseok remembers, there’s a chance Luhan might’ve as well.
Luhan’s walking out of his work place as Minseok rounds the corner. He doesn’t have the breath to shout Luhan’s name, to make him turn back, so he just uses whatever breath he has left to catch up to Luhan.
Everything’s achingly familiar when his hand lands on Luhan’s shoulder and the Chinese man turns back to see who’s trying to get his attention. But what stops Minseok mid-thought is that same look in Luhan’s eyes that he’s had every time he looks in the mirror these past few months.
It takes a moment to sink in.
He doesn’t recognize me.
“Er, hello? Did you need me for something?” Luhan asks, confusion on his face growing with each passing second. Nothing flickers in his gaze that denotes recognition.
“Do...do you recognize me?” Minseok sounds breathless, from the running, from the tender hope in his voice. He already knows the answer before he asks.
Luhan’s eyes scan across his face.
He holds his breath.
“No, I’m sorry. Do I know you?”
Minseok’s heart is crashing, shattering in his ears.
He tries to get words past the lump in his throat. “No, you don’t. I’m-I’m sorry. I think I’ve mistaken you for someone else.”
“Oh,” Luhan’s face smoothes out as Minseok’s hand falls limply from his shoulder, “Have a nice day. I hope you find who you’re looking for, mister.”
I did, too.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
M seems better. He doesn’t go into that daydreaming expression anymore. I think he’s gotten past the shaky phase and his memories of L are completely gone.
Thank you for everything you’ve done,
Kim Jongin.
Part I | Part II
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The lobby they walk into is clean, not a sterile white of a doctor’s office but a muted champagne color and Minseok automatically scans the room, nodding at the soft tones of the lobby designed to calm and soothe. The receptionist checks them right in, handing them both clipboards that are shoved with papers that warn them of things ahead. They settle on the chairs to read over the small print and to write down pertinent information and after they hand back the boards, the receptionist promptly clicks a small button on the edge of his desk and says that Lu and Kim are here for their appointment.
There’s silence for a moment before there’s a quiet click and a door to the left of the desk clicks open. The receptionist nods once, saying, “The Effacers will see you now.”
Luhan and Minseok give their muted thanks and they walk through the door, unsure of what to expect.
The room they step into is something confusing. It’s simultaneously designed to set the visitor in a more comfortable mood but the decor is so common and plain it’s almost like simulating a hotel room, a decor style that’s easily forgotten.
There are two men waiting for them, taking up 2 of the 4 chairs set out. It’s obviously set out for the other visitors to sit on the empty chairs that face inwards like a diamond. Luhan and Minseok’s steps are hesitant and the two men turn from their quiet conversation to their guests.
“Hello,” one begins, his name tag flashing Byun Baekhyun, “you two must be Luhan and Kim Minseok. Have a seat, have a seat.”
The other, his name tag reads Do Kyungsoo isn’t smiling as widely as Byun is but he’s trying to smile, but something in his smile tells Minseok that he isn’t used to trying to comfort people. Minseok wonders for a moment if he’s new.
They settle uneasily on the unoccupied chairs and just like that, their session begins.
It goes smoothly, with the two Effacers asking them all the questions that they had expected, “why did you decide to partake in our services?”, “have you asked your loved ones whether they have agreed to not interfere with the treatment?”. Byun works at making Luhan and Minseok feel more open, typing down their answers onto a small tablet on his lap and Do is crystal clear at explaining what happens during the procedure and what they should expect in the following weeks of the Effacing.
It’s the first of the 3 consultations that Luhan and Minseok will receive before they could be approved to undergo the procedure, with reassurances from the people whom they interacted/interact with that they understand what will have happened to Luhan and Minseok’s memories and how they must act around the two while their brain works to modify their memories.
Do cuts it down to simple, layman terms what will become of Minseok and Luhan’s memories of each other and how their brains will adjust to the lack of the memories. It’s designed to attach on certain synapses that fire when thinking of the person in question, following a trail of sorts of memories associated with the feeling, person, or environment. It’s designed to alter the memories if they’re too large to completely erase and erase the smaller memories and Do is quick to assure them that it’ll leave them with no lasting damage, just a feeling of deja vu and that off feeling that they’ve forgotten something. The first few weeks will be disorientating but will fade in time as their brains come up with fake or altered memories, something the brain automatically does upon receiving trauma as self defense.
Regardless of all the informations Byun and Do feed them, none of it makes Minseok hesitate from his original decision so when they walk out of the office, minds reeling from the reality that this is actually happening, Luhan quietly asks Minseok, “Do you still want this?”
Minseok’s reply is quiet, but not hesitant. “Yes.”
They go home to separate apartments that evening.
Minseok has to tell his coworkers, his friends, and his family, all those that knew Luhan and those who knew about him and Luhan of the situation and what to expect in the future. The number is thankfully low, as even though Luhan and Minseok were together for a considerable amount of time, they hadn’t exactly paraded their relationship about, Minseok being more of a private man.
Although not everyone had agreed on the decision, they had eventually given in to resignation to the ex-couple’s actions, agreeing to the company’s terms. As precaution to making sure that as many memories are erased, the pair’s memories of the Effacers will also be erased, meaning that the Effacers cannot go and check upon the patients themselves. While there will be a few people here and there sent out to check on their progress, most of the reporting and observing will be relied upon friends and families, people who are already in the patients’ lives.
There’s one or two photos on social media of them and it’s easily taken down, things from their past given away or tossed, and one by one every tangible trace of what they used to be is deleted from their lives.
The weeks fall away and the weather turns hotter. Luhan and Minseok jump through all the hoops required of them to ensure that the Effacing goes as smoothly as possible. The last 2 consultations go by without a hitch and they’re approved for the procedure, The weeks leading up are wrought full of tears, stress, minor breakdowns, but none of them are enough to not go through with the procedure.
Minseok knows that it’s time to let go but he can’t without this.
((It’s on their third consultation when Luhan blurts out, “Has anyone undergone this procedure? Before us?” It’s not that Luhan and Minseok are unsure if Effacing’s approved by the government, it is, and it definitely has enough red tape and back up plans to make sure that nothing goes wrong, so they aren’t worried about that. It’s really their concern about what to expect after and if the Effacing’s actually permanent.
Do blinks up at Luhan, pen stilling. After he looks at Luhan’s wide eyes, his stare shifts over to Byun and in that moment, Minseok knows that they have their own history. It’s easy enough to tell from they way that the two Effacers are able to communicate without saying a word, from the way Do’s fist clenches white, the way that Byun’s lips thin out and how he swallows.
It all happens within seconds and it’s with the most miniscule nod that Byun gives Do, that Do turns back to Luhan.
Luhan’s mouth drops open and he just quietly says, “oh.”
Byun fills in the gaps, “We Effaced our memories of each other, but since we designed this and we’re co-founders, we resumed contact eventually. We wanted to experience it ourselves to be able to describe the experience as accurately as possible. Before our trial, we had written down on journals as much as we could of what we could remember, as we designed the Effacing to be permanent. During the trial, we kept away from each other and had our co-workers to observe us. After a number of weeks, our co-workers showed us our journals and videos that we had designed to catch us up as much as possible.
“However, even as we have written down and even recorded some things, the actual memory has not returned to neither of us, even after resuming contact. We can,” Do and Byun exchange looks, “personally guarantee that none of it comes back.”
There’s some words that Minseok feels that is left unsaid, some regrets, but it’s beyond what Minseok needs to know. It’s their personal life and Minseok is grateful that they’ve shared this much.
“Thank you,” Minseok says quietly.
Do looks at Minseok with this unfathomable expression before nodding once.
His stomach clenches from fear, anticipation, and relief.))
The night before the Effacing arrives without any fanfare, Minseok coerced by Jongin to have a sleepover, just to make sure Minseok doesn’t have any last minute regrets. Minseok knows that it's really so that Jongin can reassure Minseok that he has people he can depend on.
Jongin and Jongdae crash at Minseok’s place, one with a concerned grin and another with cheeky mouth.
“It’s like a grownup sleepover where we talk about our feelings and emotions,” Jongdae greets Minseok when he opens the door, cup of coffee in his hand.
Jongin goes for another observation, frowning at the mug in Minseok’s hand. “Hyung, it’s like 8pm, why do you need coffee?”
Minseok shrugs, closing the door after the both of them shuffle into the apartment and Jongdae drops his bag like it’s his home and crawls onto the couch. “They told me that it would be best to not have any alcohol within 48 hours of the Effacing to make sure that nothing gets too messed up when they’re messing with my brain. Since I couldn’t drink, I made do with coffee.”
The tallest of the three doesn’t make another comment on the coffee but just makes his way into the living room to shove Minseok’s coffee table off to the side, ignoring Minseok’s protest, and declaring that if they were to do a grownup sleepover, they’d have to all sleep in the living room together.
Minseok groans but he is out voiced by Jongdae’s gleeful agreement.
The night gets wrapped up pretty early in mind for tomorrow, for Minseok’s sake. Due to majority overrule, they spread out blankets on Minseok’s living room floor and trap him in the middle. It’s a little too warm but even though he might elbow the other two for room when they wiggle a little too close to ask Minseok a teasing question, he’s really grateful for the company that they offer.
Jongin’s the first one to knock out, snoring lightly in Minseok’s left ear, and it’s with fond smiles, Jongdae and Minseok float off to sleep. They’ve talked about everything and anything under the sun, from Jongin’s dogs to Jongdae’s job, everything but the elephant in the room.
Minseok’s grateful for the distraction and it’s the first time in weeks that Minseok doesn’t sleep fitfully or awaken with damp cheeks.
His hands are trembling, his throat feels dry. There’s lines and lines of wires wrapped around his head, even a few straps that hold down his limbs. The company had wanted to ensure that there was as little incidence to occur as possible.
It’s the point of no return. There’s no turning back. They’re too far in. Across the glass Minseok can see Luhan mirroring his current position. They’ve said their goodbyes. They’ve said their apologies. They’ve said their hurtful, their healing, their thoughtful, their careless words. It’s past the point of words now. Words don’t ease the ache that Minseok gets at the thought of Luhan.
Minseok meets Luhan’s gaze through the glass one last time. The fear and something else in Luhan’s eyes, he feels is reflected in his.
There’s a sharp sting on his left elbow and he knows that the sedation is being administered. There’s only a few more minutes left of lucidity. What he sees being done to Luhan, he knows is being done to him.
((Minseok wonders how it got this far--how they’ve managed to mess up this badly that he can’t even withstand the burden on the memories of them
Luhan doesn’t know the answer to any of Minseok’s questions.))
Minseok’s vision goes blurry as he gazes at Luhan. Luhan’s apology is written in this achingly resigned expression and Minseok wants to say it isn’t his fault.
There’s something heavy dragging in his veins and his thoughts are becoming more and more muddy and difficult to follow as the sedation takes effect. The last thing he sees before his eyes close is Luhan’s mouth move--
I love you.
The alarm trills and it pierces through a fog of sleep and Minseok’s forehead creases. The sound won’t stop, so he reaches over to the phone perched on the edge of the night stand and swipes haphazardly across the screen. The noise blessedly stops and Minseok smiles.
But what’s done is done and he’s awake and he knows that it’s time for work. Ignoring his brain’s tempting command to go back to sleep, he reaches for his phone. At the click of the home button, the screen lights up and he flinches at the brightness.
The time tells him that it’s time for him to get up to get himself into work, but he takes a minute mercy to unlock the device and check for any reminders he’d set for himself the night before. The reminders tab is blank and that’s his cue to get out of bed.
With a small groan, Minseok swings his legs over the side of the bed and peels the blankets away from his body. Standing up straight to stretch sleepily, he expects the headrush as the blood follows gravity but there’s the oddest sense of deja vu that makes him feel like he’s done this before. It’s such a strong feeling that he sits, head reeling, but for the life of him, he can’t remember why.
When Minseok stands up to try again, the feeling disappear and there’s the vague question of what?, before that disappears, too.
He carries on with his morning routine but nothing brings the feeling back and he dismisses it.
Minseok’s walking to the subway to make his way home, freshly finished with a consultation with a patron, happy off the feeling that they’ve managed to nail down which pieces that they want in the living room, when his cell rings.
“Hello? Minseok greets, knowing that it’s already Jongin, thanks to caller id.
“Oh! Hello, hyung!” Jongin says, after a pause, as though he wasn’t quite expecting Minseok to answer.
“Hey Jongin, why did you called?” Minseok asks, half paying attention, weaving through the crush of people going in the general direction of the station.
Jongin speaks hesitantly, like he’s unsure of what he’s supposed to say, “Oh...I just wanted to call to see how you were doing.”
Minseok’s a little confused but is pleasantly surprised. Jongin’s never called to just make small talk like this unless he’s calling for a clear purpose. They usually leave the idle pratter for face to face conversation. “I’m fine,” Minseok says with a little chuckle, “I’m just on my way home from work, so that’s why it’s a little loud in the background.”
He arrives at the correct platform to wait for the subway when Jongin speaks again, “That’s good, hyung. I was just wondering how you were since I’ve been busier lately and we haven’t spoken in awhile. Perhaps you might have some free time and we can hangout?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right, it has been awhile, huh? You know, I don’t have anything planned tonight, do you want to grab some dinner tonight? I’ll just go home to change and then we can check in for dinner in a bit.”
Jongin makes a noise of approval, agreeing to the impromptu dinner plans and they hang up before Minseok’s train arrives for Minseok to avoid the crush while on a phone call.
When Jongin sees Minseok, he’s got this half hesitant smile on that Minseok attributes to exhaustion from work because once Minseok’s really come up to Jongin, the smile turns into his regular, full blown childish smile.
They part later that night, with a teasing remark from Minseok and a whining “Hyung!” from Jongin and Minseok misses Jongin’s quietly concerned look that drops the smile that’s usually always flirting on his lips.
Jongin reaches the safety of his apartment before he pulls out his phone, and within the dark apartment he types out and sends a text to Jongdae. He’s fine.
Minseok’s never been a very social person and had moved out of his parents’ home after he had graduated from university and gotten his job, so he’s rather confused when he settles down after cooking himself dinner and finds that he’s pulled out 2 sets of silverware and 2 plates. It’s even odder to him that he’s apparently cooked more than he can usually eat for himself. He had been distracted while making dinner, making a very simple dish while his brain was whirling, thinking of which shades of blue and purple would contrast but still compliment, and his autopilot had him standing in the kitchen with a furrow in his brow and 2 plates in his hand.
The plates clink softly as he places them back on the counter and he stares hard at the white ceramic as though they hold the answer as to why he’s feeling this way. There’s that strange feeling again. It’s been a week since he had woken up feeling like this and it’s baffling to him. It settles into habit, muscle memory, this is when he would had called out into the apartment ‘Dinner’s ready!, this is when he might feel someone’s arms wrap around his waist and a soft voice would whisper in his ear--
A rather loud shout from outside his apartment building startles Minseok and he jerks his head up to stare at the direction from where it comes from. And similar to last week, the feeling disappears and he snaps back to reality. He chalks it up to the fact that he had thought about inviting Jongdae over for dinner one night for the extra large portions of what he had cooked and places one ceramic plate back in the cupboard and scoops the rest of his dinner into a tupperware and calls it tomorrow’s lunch.
Minseok finishes up dinner wrapped up around his plate in front of the TV, as he laughs his way through his favorite comedy show. The experience is gone and quickly forgotten, nothing to be remembered of the incident.
His days are pretty much the same day in and day out. Minseok wakes up at the same time everyday, makes his way to work, flits around town doing whatever needs to be done before making his way home. He occasionally deviates from the simple routine by going out with his friends for dinner or going to run his errands. He’s a simple man with his simple routine and Minseok finds comfort from it.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
It’s been about a week since the procedure and I’m sending in my observations. I met up with M on Monday, 3 days after the Effacing and we had dinner together so I could check on him a little longer. I honestly didn’t notice anything remise through the meal but I saw a few times that he glanced at his phone and unlocked it, only to to stop and blink. He had a confused expression, like he had forgotten what he had opened up his phone for. M sometimes checks his phone during our outings, usually to ask L things like errands or things he needs to pick up, so I think that M was trying to do that but he didn’t remember. Aside from that, I didn’t really see anything. I did text him on and off through the week and he didn’t mention anything. According to what you’ve told me, the habitual things will be the ones that confuse him the most. Please email back on what I should keep an eye on.
Thank you,
Kim Jongin
Minseok slowly blinks, sunlight filtering into the room through the blinds and his vision swims. He isn’t seeing the room, but something, a dream, a vision, pulls him away from reality and into a person. Someone with long, soft lashes, someone with a button nose, someone with lips that he knows, lips he’s kissed, lips he’s heard tender things from.
It’s so strong that his chest aches. It’s a soft swelling feeling, a cherished feeling but now that the dream passed after feeling that warmth, Minseok wakes up feeling cold, feeling empty. His arm is outstretched in front of him, as though he’s trying to grab onto that person. He can almost hear that person’s voice ringing in his ears, he can almost feel the soft lashes brush across his cheek.
Minseok doesn’t know why, but his cheeks are sticky, his arm is outstretched, and his chest hurts. It’s just a dream but it feel so real, so vivid. But like all dreams, as Minseok slowly awakens the dream slips away in bits and pieces until he can’t even recall what those eyes were like. He just remembers a vague person and he feels like he’s lost something.
The interior designer just lies there in bed, his sheets bunched up around him, his mind scattered. Glancing at the clock, he can see that most of the morning’s slipped away but the little SUN on the corner of the clock reminds him that it’s the weekend and he can afford the extra sleep. Today, this morning, Minseok doesn’t want to get out of bed. He wants to stay in bed and remember his dream, because whatever he had dreamed about, it felt complete and now that he’s had a taste, he’s famished, craving for that feeling again.
His limbs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds, this crushing pressure on his chest makes him lethargic, unmotivated, longing.
There’s only the sounds of the city filling the silence of the room but Minseok just lies there, staring at the ceiling.
((Minseok wonders why the ceiling’s white and why he hasn’t painted over it yet.))
The shadows of the day slowly move across the white ceiling.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
M asked me today if he’s dated anyone recent. He looked surprised at the question, like he hadn’t expected it to come out or like he was disturbed that he didn’t know the answer himself. I answered no. I think I hesitated a bit because it was so unexpected. Please answer if this is normal, if M should be this preoccupied. He was doing really well through that month after the Effacing but since the beginning of this month he sometimes looks that he’s lost in daydreams when we’re with him.
Thank you,
Kim Jongin
While Minseok’s never been a big fan of flowers, he’s on his way home and for the thousand times that he’s walked past this particular flower shop on his way home, he’s struck by a whim.
I want to buy Daffodils.
He stops in his tracks and there’s an effronted harrumph from behind him. The middle aged lady side steps him, giving him the dirtiest look while Minseok murmurs an apology.
Minseok stands in front of the flower shop for a moment, staring at the sign for a long moment. The interior designer really can’t think of a reason why he wants to buy Daffodils. The bright yellow pigment of the flowers would contrast to the warm tones of his apartment, but for some reason he thinks that he wants a vase of them on his dining counter.
He comes home that evening with a bouquet of Daffodils, placing them lightly on the kitchen table. Minseok stares hard at the flowers, as though if he stared long enough at them the reason why he wanted them so badly would suddenly reveal itself.
His favorite flowers are hydrangeas but everytime he passes by the vase, there’s a phantom feeling of fingers lacing through his and lips pressing softly just behind his ear and a whispered thank you, they’re beautiful following suit.
It keeps coming back. That strange, strange feeling like he’s forgotten something, that strange feeling that makes him furrow his brows, makes him glance over his shoulder, makes him pause keeps coming back. It usually hits him when he’s not paying attention to something, when he’s got time to think and the only thing he hears is either muted city life or silence. When he gets lost in his thoughts, as he is wont to do because he spend a lot of time putting together concepts, that feeling comes crawling back and Minseok doesn’t know what to make of it.
He mentions it to Jongin once. His longtime friend had stiffened up and asked “what?”. Minseok briefly tries to explain it before he realizes that he sounds crazy and dismisses it. Jongin tries to pursue it, ask him to describe it, but Minseok just shakes his head and drops that subject. Jongin had asked if Minseok was feeling ok multiple times through the evening and Minseok constantly replies, “of course.”
The topic is never brought up again and that worried look in Jongin’s eyes fades with time, but Minseok can’t shake off that feeling.
He finds himself humming under his breath, a soft, sweet tune. It’s a tune that he had sung hundreds of times, heard it thousands of times, and he almost feels like there’s lyrics to it. Minseok can’t sing it because while he thinks that while there are lyrics to it, they’re not in a language he can speak. He’s heard this tune thousands of times before but he can’t, for the life of him, remember what it’s called. The name slips away from in that now familiar way of losing something.
It’s driving him nuts. The incidents keep coming back but they’re coming more and more often. The worst is that they’re nothing solid, nothing like a face, a name, anything Minseok can fully grasp on. All that he sees, hears, dreams of are these parameter details. He’ll breath deeply and remember a hint of a cologne, he’ll idly trace patterns into his desk and make strokes like he’s writing something he can’t recognize, he’ll order something that he knows he loves but can’t recall how he was introduced to it. Everything about it is surreal and Minseok’s head is spinning with all these details of a forgotten memory.
It’s like it’s all hidden behind a veil and Minseok can’t throw it aside to see clearly. His vision clouded and he’s frustrated. It’s all so close, like a word on the tip of his tongue, like all it takes is a word and everything will come spilling out from a dam.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
He’s remembering more and more everyday. I know that in your last email you said that we can’t do anything beyond observing him because it’s too dangerous to redo the procedure but I can’t just stand here and watch M go crazier and crazier over this thing that he can’t even remember. Is there nothing at all I can do? Please help Minseok hyung.
It’s been 6 months. I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask, but how is L doing? Is he faring the same as M or is he spared from the vague memories?
Kim Jongin
Minseok awakens on Monday with a name on his tongue but his tongue’s tied and the sound dies in his mouth. It leaves a bitter taste.
TO: kimjongin88@naver.com
FROM: byundo@eproject.com
Byun will answer your email about your first few question in a follow up email. I’m in charge of watching over L’s progress and from my observations as well as L’s check-ins he’s having no similar troubles. He’s gotten a promotion recently and will be leaving the country soon.
Do Kyungsoo
It’s been building up for months. The dam breaks loose on a Wednesday.
Minseok stirred an extra spoonful of sugar into his coffee today. Minseok made 4 eggs today instead of 2. Today, Minseok takes a detour on his way home.
And he winds up in front of an apartment complex. Minseok knows that he’s never seen this place before but it doesn’t matter because his feet are carrying into the lobby and his feet are taking down a hallway to the left of the lobby and then his feet are stopping him in front of a red door. He’s bending down and shifting to the left, not standing directly in front of the door but as though he’s looking for something on the door frame. He might not have a clue as to why he’s doing this but it feels like something he needs to do, and if there’s an answer to Minseok’s madness than he’ll do it.
His eyes stop on a bit of an indention.
There, carved into the frame, is his name and something else written.
Luhan
He’s mouthing the words right back and it’s like he’s found the key to the lock. Everything comes rushing back.
”Hi I’m Luhan. I hadn’t gotten the chance to introduce myself since last time I came in late--”
“Did you know my favorite flowers are Daffodils?”
“That’s appropriate.”
“Why do you say that, Minseok?”
“Because you’re obviously so narcissistic.”
“Shut up, Minseok, oh my god.”
“Minseok, why do you always like your coffee so bitter?”
“It’s healthier that way. Plus, I can actually taste the coffee and not just sugar.”
“Add a little sweetness in your life. I know that I’m pretty sweet but just a little more in your coffee.”
“Shut up, Luhan.”
“You’re beautiful, you’re stunning, Minseok. Have I told you that I love you?”
“Oh--oh. No, I--”
“You don’t have to say it back until you’re ready and if you actually feel that way. I just wanted you to know.”
"Sing it again, Luhan. Whatever that song is, it's got such a lovely tune."
"It's called Tian Mi Mi. It's got really cute lyrics. Fits you perfectly."
"Just sing it, Han."
"'Your smile's so familiar to me, but I still cannot remember where....ah...in my dreams, in my dreams is where I've met you.'"
“I think that you should just move in, Luhan. We can’t keep doing this commute thing. Half the time my apartment ends up empty because I just stay over at your place. We’ve been together for 3 years.”
“Minseok, you just said all that like I’d even argue. I’ll tell my landlord that I’m not renewing my lease this month.”
“It totally makes sense that you should move in--wait. What?”
“Yes, Minseok, you dunce, I’ll move in with you. Now stop talking and kiss me.”
“Happy 5th anniversary, baby. What time do you think you’ll be home tonight?”
“I’m so sorry, Minseok, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish early tonight. There’s a big project that’s about to be presented and I really need to make sure that all the loose ends are tied.”
“Oh. Um, well, that’s ok. I’ll, uh, leave dinner in the fridge.”
“I’m so sorry, Min. Happy 5th anniversary, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Han.”
“Are we drifting apart, Lu? Tell me the truth, I want only the truth.”
“Min, no. No, we’re not drifting apart, we’ve just been busy, that’s all. You know, I think the weather report said that the weather’s going to be beautiful this weekend. Do you want to go out this weekend? Maybe even a road trip? A quick vacation to take a break?”
“Only if you promise to turn off your phone through the weekend. To just enjoy us. To be ourselves again.”
“Anything for you.”
“Luhan? Luhan? This is the 4th time I’ve called and I just wanted to know where you are….I’m getting a little worried so please call back as soon as you can…”
“WHAT THE FUCK, LUHAN. YOU DIDN’T COME HOME THE ENTIRE NIGHT AND YOU WALK IN LOOKING LIKE YOU’VE BEEN RUN OVER BY A CAR. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN.”
“Get off my ass, Minseok. I needed to get away, ok. You’re so overbearing, you’re suffocating me!”
“If I’m suffocating you, goddamit Luhan, just say something! Don’t just not come home the entire night without saying a goddamn word to anyone. Do you know how many people you worried?”
“This, Minseok, this. I can’t even leave the house for a night without you blowing up on me. You worry about too many things. I’m a grown ass man, not a teenager, and you sure as hell aren’t my mother!”
“Fine, Luhan. Fine. I’ll, I’ll stop. I’ll stop worrying about your stupid ass and I’’ll stop sticking my nose into your business all the time because that’s clearly what I always do.”
“Seok...I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you yesterday morning. I...I’ve just been frustrated, I didn’t mean the things I said.”
“Just come home, Luhan, and we’ll talk. Come home, Han.”
“We should break up.”
“Yes.”
Minseok remembers. He remembers all of it and the weight of it makes him want to crumple, to scream, he regrets, he longs, he wants to go back.
He remembers the whisper, the soft way Minseok would wake up to Luhan staring at him with the stupidest love sick expression. He remembers the desperate way that Luhan would cling onto him when they had to take a plane to China to celebrate New Years with Luhan’s parents. He remembers the things that Minseok first fell in love with in Luhan.
Minseok remembers it too late. They’re done and over but Minseok’s running, he’s running, running to where Luhan is. Minseok’s always gotten off work before Luhan so Minseok assumes that Luhan might still be at work and he runs to a chance, a possibility to start over. If Minseok remembers, there’s a chance Luhan might’ve as well.
Luhan’s walking out of his work place as Minseok rounds the corner. He doesn’t have the breath to shout Luhan’s name, to make him turn back, so he just uses whatever breath he has left to catch up to Luhan.
Everything’s achingly familiar when his hand lands on Luhan’s shoulder and the Chinese man turns back to see who’s trying to get his attention. But what stops Minseok mid-thought is that same look in Luhan’s eyes that he’s had every time he looks in the mirror these past few months.
It takes a moment to sink in.
He doesn’t recognize me.
“Er, hello? Did you need me for something?” Luhan asks, confusion on his face growing with each passing second. Nothing flickers in his gaze that denotes recognition.
“Do...do you recognize me?” Minseok sounds breathless, from the running, from the tender hope in his voice. He already knows the answer before he asks.
Luhan’s eyes scan across his face.
He holds his breath.
“No, I’m sorry. Do I know you?”
Minseok’s heart is crashing, shattering in his ears.
He tries to get words past the lump in his throat. “No, you don’t. I’m-I’m sorry. I think I’ve mistaken you for someone else.”
“Oh,” Luhan’s face smoothes out as Minseok’s hand falls limply from his shoulder, “Have a nice day. I hope you find who you’re looking for, mister.”
I did, too.
TO: byundo@eproject.com
FROM: kimjongin88@naver.com
M seems better. He doesn’t go into that daydreaming expression anymore. I think he’s gotten past the shaky phase and his memories of L are completely gone.
Thank you for everything you’ve done,
Kim Jongin.
Part I | Part II
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