By Invitation Only
Title: By Invitation Only
Fandom: RPF. Crack. Is crack a fandom?
Pairings: Gareth David-Lloyd/Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, George Clooney/John Barrowman, Nathan Fillion/Sean Maher, Nathan Fillion/Neil Patrick Harris. Um. A lot of others too.
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 10,000 words
A/N: Written with llaras for sparky77 for the Pretty Lights Actor Ficathon. Short story is one awesome friend got another awesome friend as a recipient, came up with an incredible plot to work all five requests in to one story, then (mistakenly) decided that she couldn't write the crack required to get everyone in the same place. So I helped. Somehow we ended up writing something both longer and crackier than anything either of us had written before. In a ridiculously short period of time. Also, there are maps in case you get lost.
Disclaimer: I'm not any of these people and this never happened.
Fangirls around the world would go crazy if they ever found out about this, Jensen thinks. They'd gone wild when he and Jared had pretended to kiss on-stage, but that was nothing compared to what would happen if the closed circuit video on this elevator was ever made public. Which, now that he thinks about it, is probably why Gareth is only using one hand for groping while the other remains fixed in place no matter how much they squirm, fingers splayed over what Jensen can only assume is the camera lens. Yes, if fangirls think we like to fool around on stage for clips that'll be played, repeatedly, on youtube for years to come, that's nothing compared to the fooling around that happens when the con's over for the day and we're all heading back to our respective hotel rooms.
"Wait, Gareth, wait." The kisses are getting sloppier and his jeans are getting tighter and if he doesn't take a time out rightthisfuckingsecond he's going to pass out and then Gareth will have to uncover the camera lens and that would probably stir up the fangirls just as much as the making out in an elevator. Him passed out on the floor with Gareth leaning over him with a hard-on, and the last thing he needs is a reputation like Duchovny's...
He derails that line of thought before it can go any further and presses one soft kiss to the corner of Gareth's mouth. "What are you doing after this?" he asks.
Gareth sighs. "Well, I was hoping to get laid."
Jensen's eyes grow wide at the brashness of the declaration and he stills. "I should--"
"Take off your pants?"
"No, I should--"
"Take off my pants?"
"No, I need to--"
"Come back to my room? My suite's got an oversized tub," Gareth says, leaning back just long enough to flash Jensen an impish grin before putting his tongue back to good use.
Jensen groans and submits for a few short seconds before stilling again. "No, really, I should..." What? The first rule he and Jared had ever made was no rules, no questions. And everyone knows that what happens at con, stays at con, unless it happens to be recorded on someone's cell phone. Jared wouldn't begrudge him this... except Jared was waiting for him back in their hotel room, just a few floors up. And while Gareth promised a good time, Jared is a sure bet, having proven time and time again that he knows exactly what Jensen likes.
He grinds into Gareth, slow and unfrantic this time, then steps away and hits the button for his floor. "I should head back to my room. I've got someone waiting. Maybe next time we're both at one of these things."
Gareth brushes off the obvious non-invite and struggles with a pocket of his also too-tight jeans.
He pulls out a white business card, slightly crumpled and hands it to Jensen. It's just a phone number. Jensen searches for his cell, it's in one of his jacket pockets. "Hold on, you can keep the card. I'll just add you--"
Gareth reaches over and punches a different number on the elevator panel, higher up. "No, that's for you. Keep hold of it. It's like an invite, yeah?"
Jensen stares at the card and wonders if that's British for something that he should totally know like how jumpers are sweaters or whatever.
"Invite. For what?"
Gareth smiles, leans in close and whispers, "Call it next time you're in town. And bring your someone."
The next thing Jensen knows he's standing in the hallway while the elevator doors close, wiping spit out of his ear. "Oooookay."
He doesn't see the card again until weeks later when he's cleaning out his jacket pockets. He stares at it a minute before remembering the elevator encounter and Gareth. He shrugs and tosses the card into the junk drawer by the kitchen sink. It's laundry day, and if he doesn't get it at least started by the time Jared gets home he's going to hear about it forever. And probably have to wear that stupid outfit again. He doesn't care what Jared says, no one looks good in that much pink pleather.
Nathan has always been a strawberry kind of guy. Though blueberries are good too. And grapes are always a tasty treat. In fact... That thought is interrupted when someone bumps up against the craft service table next to him.
"You know, you don't have to choose just one. There is such a thing as fruit salad."
"No, there's not. Salads are wilting pieces of lettuce with a few other veggies thrown in for good measure. Fruit can't be a salad. A fruit casserole, maybe. Fruit melange."
Neil snickers and elbows Nathan in the ribs. "I'll give you melange," he says, before scooping up a handful of strawberries and dropping them on Nathan's plate. Nathan gasps in mock outrage when Neil continues with the other fruit options. "I can't believe you just did that."
Neil licks his fingers one by one, merriment in his eyes.
Nathan's eyes narrow as he watches. "How do I know where your hands have been! You could have been doing anything before this!"
Neil goes absolutely serious. "You weren't complaining earlier when I gave you that handjob in the downstairs closet."
"What!?" Nathan looks around, but everyone is too busy or too far away to be paying attention to their antics.
"Oh," Neil holds up a finger and frowns. "Wait. That hasn't happened. Yet."
Nathan decides that Neil is joking. Then decides that Neil is being serious. Then decides that Neil somehow found out about the time he and Sean were discovered in the supply closet and is just teasing him. Then decides again that Neil is serious.
"I, uh..."
Neil lets him stammer for a little longer before breaking out a wide smile and clapping Nathan on the shoulder. "Kidding! Man, the look on your face. Seriously though, try some kiwi. High in potassium." And with that, Neil is off.
A bell rings, calling him back to the set, and Nathan is relieved to have something to do that doesn't involve fruit, Neil, wondering where Neil's hands have been and/or are going to be, or deciding whether it was Summer or Jewel who was more likely to have blabbed.
The relief is short-lived. Neil's not even in the press conference scene or, at least, not in it for a while yet, but he spends most of Nathan's speech and song hanging around the extras and the crew. Always visible from the front of the room. Always timing his lewd and suggestive gestures right when the camera's on Nathan.
Joss finally gives up and tells Nathan to take five, or however long he needs until he can make it through a line without a flub, but preferably not longer than five.
The way back to the craft service table is right past Neil and the last thing he wants is to look at any more fruit, but Nathan decides that coffee would be a good thing, and if he has to pass Neil to get there, so be it. He walks quickly, head down, trying to make sure his body language is saying "I'm just a guy in need of coffee" and not "hey, I'm not busy for the next five minutes, did somebody say something about a closet?"
Neil ignores the message and trails after him and Nathan soon finds himself cornered by the coffee machine. Neil thrusts a hand into one of Nathan's pockets and he wonders if Neil has decided to forgo the seclusion of a closet and give him the prophesied handjob right there in front of everyone. Instead, Neil is halfway across the room before Nathan realizes that his pocket is down one hand, but up one business card containing nothing but a phone number. A number that Nathan is fairly certain does not belong to Neil.
"What is--"
Neil waves him off and keeps walking away. "Just call it sometime."
Jared has exactly three ticklish spots on his body: the sole of his right foot, the crook of his left elbow, and the patch of skin right below his bellybutton. Jensen knew about the first two long before they got together: from evenings spent wrestling on the floor in front of the television, football game long over, copious amounts of beer consumed, pizza boxes scattered as they fought for control of the remote; from doing stunts on the set, hands not always connecting where they should despite hours of practice; from that one time Jared fell asleep on his couch and Jensen thought he might sleep better if his boots were off.
He's actually a bit astonished it took them as long as it did, considering how many times he'd had his hands on Jared before they even kissed. Years and years of unknowing foreplay.
That third spot is his favorite. Jensen will never tell Jared that, afraid he'll laugh or tease. But he feels the most powerful, the most capable, when he has Jared spread out before him, naked and twitching while he licks and sucks at that little bare spot of skin.
"Jesus, Jensen, is that the only spot you care about or what?" Busted.
Jared leans up on his elbows. He's flushed and slightly out of breath. And whatever this is, it's new enough that the sight of Jared aroused and ready for sex is enough to make Jensen stutter.
"I, I, no," he manages.
Jared raises an expectant eyebrow that clearly states "I am too polite to say 'well, get on with it then,' but seriously, get on with it."
Jensen complies, moving first hands then mouth down to Jared's dick. Jared gasps in response and before long is too distracted to notice when Jensen's tongue returns to make the occasional quick swipe over his favorite spot.
The dryer buzzes just seconds after they come for the second time and Jared smacks Jensen's ass before rolling out from beneath him. "You better get that," he says. "And hey, while you're up, make me a sandwich?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. "So much for the afterglow. Do I look like your bitch?"
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it, there's definitely a resemblance." Jared slides off the bed, narrowly avoiding the pillow that had been aimed at his head. "Ok, you get the laundry, I'll make sandwiches."
When Jensen returns, he finds that the sandwich making got as far as setting out some bread on the counter, but no farther. Jared has the junk drawer open, and he's frowning.
Among the pens, scissors, and tape -- not to mention the many stolen pads of hotel paper -- the junk drawer is where they keep the sparkly stickers they use to adorn each other's plastic baggies when they bring snacks or sandwiches to work.
"What's wrong? Out of 'You're #1's?"
Jared hands Jensen the forgotten business card. "I was trying to figure out if you have a gentleman caller, if you are a gentleman caller, or if you're James Bond and didn't tell me."
"Oh! Hey, I forgot about that." Jensen rubs his face and tries to put on his most charming smile. "At that last con we went to? A guy gave that to me." He opens the fridge and rummages a bit. "Dude, are we out of turkey?"
Jared's leaning against the countertop, arms folded across his chest. "I don't know about the turkey, but I know we have plenty of chicken. Right here. In the kitchen. Wearing a stupid blue t-shirt and pants that are too big for his ass."
Jensen grabs his own ass. "Hey, they are not," he says in a wounded tone. "And this is your shirt, asshole."
"Lemme guess. Orlando? No, he wasn't at that one. Don't tell me it was Rosenbaum; you said the two of you were over."
"It wasn't and we are."
"Then who?"
"Gareth."
Jared lets out a loud snort. "Gareth? You know, for an ostensibly straight guy, he picks up more men than half the gay guys I know."
"He wasn't picking me up! He was just--"
"Kissing?"
"Yeah."
"Groping?"
"Yeah."
"Inviting you back to his room?"
"Well...yeah."
"Picking. You. Up."
"Alright, maybe, but I don't think the number's his."
"Because you have his number memorized?"
"Shut up." Jensen makes a grab for Ticklish Spot #2 and soon has Jared twisting and laughing beneath his hands.
Later after they've recovered from their third orgasms of the day and are making inroads on truly huge sandwiches -- Jared always thinks bigger is better and makes them to fit his spectacularly enormous mouth, never mind that Jensen has a more normal sized mouth and it's not really how big it is, it's what you do with it -- Jensen slaps his cell on the table between them.
"Here." A slice of pickle falls out of his sandwich.
"Gee, thanks, sweetie. But I already have a phone." Jared is licking mustard off his fingers.
"No, I mean, call that number." He slides the card over to Jared. "He said to call it the next time I was in town. And to bring you."
Jared pauses in his clean up. He still has mustard on his pinkie. "You told him about us?"
Jensen grabs Jared's hand and sucks the mustard-tipped pinkie into his mouth. He lets it out with a pop. "Kinda."
Jared spends all of two seconds contemplating this development before grabbing the phone, dialing, and switching on the speaker.
"11 Ross Lane. Montecito. October twenty-first. Any time after eight." And then a click as the recording ends.
Jensen and Jared raise their eyebrows at each other. "Call back," prompts Jared, grabbing a pen and pad of paper from the junk drawer.
Jensen stares off into space as the message plays a second time. "I'm sure I recognize that voice, but I can't place it. You?"
Jared shakes his head. "Only one way to find out. Got plans for the twenty-first?"
Jensen grins. "I suppose we do now."
Nathan is standing in front of his closet, towel wrapped around his waist as he contemplates his options. Jeans? Something nicer?
His phone rings and he drops a handful of shirts and hangers in his haste to get it before it goes to voicemail.
It's Neil. "Hey," he answers.
"Wear something comfortable. Maybe one of those girly shirts you like so much."
"What are you getting me into, Harris?" He's changed his mind about going to this thing, whatever it is, about a dozen times already.
"I'm picking you up in about an hour. Don't worry about dinner, there'll be food."
The entire ride over, Nathan waffles between being grateful that there'll be at least one familiar face at wherever they're going and wondering if he really wants Neil as a witness if he's going to be the butt of some complicated joke. Then again, Neil gave him the invite, so it's not like it was ever likely that he'd be able to avoid him.
He relaxes somewhat as they pull into a long driveway that meanders up to a house that Nathan might be able to afford if Firefly had made it to a thirtieth season. After promising (threatening?) a supply closet handjob, Neil wouldn't have turned around and planned something as elaborate as a secluded mansion just for seduction purposes. And the driveway was full of cars and lots of cars meant lots of people and lots of people meant that Nathan probably had nothing ahead of him but an evening of schmoozing.
When they reach the front door, they're stopped by a man that Nathan thinks would not look out of place standing behind a president, looking out for snipers. He looks Nathan up and down and sticks his hand out. "Let me see your invite."
Neil steps forward. "It's alright, Mark, he's with me."
"Mr. Harris." The guard nods and opens the door for them.
"Security guards?" Nathan whispers as someone takes his jacket. "What is this place?"
"You'll see." Neil smiles and leads him further into the entrance.
The place is crowded, but Nathan recognizes many of the faces -- mostly from on screen, but a few that he actually knows. He spots Boreanaz off in one corner and takes a couple steps in his direction. Then stops in his tracks when David moves just enough for Nathan to see who he's talking to. Sean.
"What is this place?" Nathan repeats, his voice sounding considerably more strangled this time.
"Gay Hollywood. Well, the male and slutty portion of Gay Hollywood. The women are at another venue."
Nathan still isn't sure that this isn't some weird joke. He has to grab Neil's arm to keep himself from walking right back out the door.
"Nathan! What a surprise!" David's there, grinning and patting him on the back. Sean came over too, but he doesn't look as happy to see Nathan.
"Yeah, it certainly is." Nathan lets Neil go, but only after throwing a puzzled glance his way. Neil just smiles and nods.
"This your first time? I don't think I've seen you here before."
"Yes, it's my first time at the..." He looks around the room. "Gay Hollywood..." Is that Jude Law and Ewan McGregor making out by the fireplace? "Orgy?"
David laughs. "No, man, downstairs is mainly for hanging out. The orgy is strictly third floor. They had to make that rule when someone ended up bareass on the dessert table. Cheesecake has been ruined for me forever." He shudders. "Buffet's through there." He gestures behind him.
But Nathan's not really listening. Because Sean is there and he hasn't seen Sean in what feels like forever. You'd think that their closet encounter would have brought them closer together, but everything had been weird after that day. Who knows, maybe it hadn't been as good for Sean as it had for him.
Everyone is quiet for a moment and Nathan realizes Neil and David are looking at him expectantly. He has to tear his eyes away from Sean's questioning look to turn his attention back to the conversation. "I didn't know you were gay," he says to David.
"Oh, well, bisexual, whatever." David shrugs. "The only important thing is that you--"
"Like to suck cock," Neil says with glee.
David rolls his eyes. "Or--"
"A tongue up your ass."
"Jeez, a guy tells you something once in confidence--"
"And the next thing you know, another guy is coming all over your face."
David laughs and turns red. He tries to redirect, looks back and forth between Neil and Nathan. "Hey, you guys here together, or...?"
Nathan isn't sure what to say. Are they? He doesn't look at Sean.
But Neil shakes his head. "Nah, I'm meeting my David here. How about you?" He pointedly looks at Sean.
David throws an arm around Sean's shoulder and pulls him in for a quick squeeze. Sean smiles wanly. "We're just catching up. I was hoping Christian would be here, but he's got a gig, so."
Neil nods and turns to Nathan. "You're good? You're good. I'm going to leave you in capable hands here." To David, with a tilt of his head, "Wanna?"
David grins and pulls a key from the front pocket of his pants. "Got a room, even. Disco, baby. From nine until ten. Let's go find your guy."
Neil grins back and pulls a key from his own pocket. He tosses it to Nathan. "Just in case. I got it for all night. Text me if you need a ride home." And with that, they're gone. And Nathan's alone with Sean.
He turns the key in his hands. The key ring has a picture of Bert and Ernie on it. "Um." Talk about awkward. He looks up. "Hi."
Sean is equally at a loss for words. "Hi."
They stand there for a few moments before Nathan makes a decision. "David mentioned food?"
Sean nods. "Yeah, okay. There's an open bar, too. Let me show you around."
"A drink would be good." Possibly more than one.
Jensen and Jared stand in the middle of the hall trying to keep their mouths from hanging open. Jared is slightly more successful than Jensen, but only slightly.
"I feel like we just walked into some kind of fantasy land," Jensen says in what he hopes is a quiet voice.
He realizes he must have been louder than he thought when Anderson Cooper saunters over and wraps an arm around Jensen's shoulders. "Fairytale's up on the second floor. I could probably get you in if you wanted."
"I, uh, thank you."
Before Jensen is able to retain coherency, Anderson is halfway to the bar, beelining toward an entwined couple who look suspiciously like Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar.
"Dude, you were just cruised by Anderson Cooper!" Jared hisses.
"No I wasn't! Wait, was I?"
"I think so." Jared falters. "Well, I'm not sure. I didn't really hear what he said to you, his leather pants were kinda distracting. And tight."
Jensen feels like his head is spinning. "Where the hell are we?" he asks, not even trying to keep quiet this time.
"Good, you made it!"
Jensen and Jared spin around and see Gareth weaving through the crowd to get to them.
"What's going on here?"
"Gay Hollywood," Gareth says as if that answers everything. He's met with two blank looks. "The orgies? The Tub?" Gareth sighs when they shake their heads at him. "I swear all you gay guys would be lost if it wasn't for people like me. Come on, there's a map over here."
As he leads them back to where they came in, Gareth continues explaining. "Alright, all the gay men in Hollywood descend on this place a few times a year for a little fun. Well, not strictly Hollywood; showbiz, theatre, anyone in the public eye, really. I heard someone say that a couple Chicago Cubs had been to the last few. The invites and the phone message and the guard at the door are all to make sure that only people who are supposed to be here get in. Remember when Paris' phone was hacked a couple years back and a bunch of phone numbers were leaked? Somehow -- no one will own up to it, but I'm pretty sure Nick Carter was involved -- she got the number and then everyone had the number and then they had to change where we met and everything. That's the official story, anyway. Don't tell anyone, but my theory is that whoever owns this place gets off on the secrecy."
Jensen struggles to keep up with Gareth's rambling. "Who owns--"
"No idea. Here we are." Gareth stabs a finger at the red X on the map they're now standing in front of. "When I said orgies before? That's only on the third floor. There's couches for snogging and stuff down here, but clothes stay on. Sometime before I started coming, there was an incident. Desserts were involved. I'm not really sure; no one wants to talk about it." He gestures them closer and whispers, "I think maybe it had something to do with Sean Bean. All I know is that he's banned now." His voice goes bigger and brighter after that revelation. "Any questions?"
"So, you are gay?" Jared asks, thinking he's finally going to get to the bottom of that mystery. Get a straight answer, so to speak.
"Of course not. You don't have to be gay to be here. I mean, we say Gay Hollywood, but bi guys are welcome too, of course."
"You're bi?" Jared asks.
"Not at all, I just don't see why you guys should have all the fun. Just because I'm straight doesn't mean I don't fancy snogging a guy every now and then." Gareth gets a slightly alarmed look on his face as he remembers something and checks his watch. "You two will need to find your own way around now, Barrowman's waiting for me upstairs and he gets cranky when I make him wait."
Jensen's staring at the map like he's trying to memorize it and it takes three sharp pokes to his shoulder to get his attention.
"What," he mutters. "Ow! Stop it!"
Jared sighs. "Let's just take it room by room, okay? That way we don't miss anything."
"Oh, look!" Jensen points to a flier tacked up next to the map. "They're doing an auction in the basketball courts at midnight! What do you think they're auctioning?" He leers at Jared. "It says all proceeds go to charity. That's really cool."
"C'mon." Jared grabs Jensen's hand and pulls him towards the buffet room. "I think I'm going to need some energy for the night ahead."
Sean's guided tour starts and ends at the bar where Nathan orders a Long Island iced tea, despite Sean's teasing about it being a girly drink. Like he can talk, his preferred cocktail is the lemon drop martini. They sit at a tall table by the windows and the first couple of minutes are very quiet. Until Sean throws a peanut at Nathan's head.
They start to ease up around each other after the second round and by the third they are cracking jokes and gossiping about friends they have in common. It's almost like old times, pre-closet shenanigans.
Nathan starts to get up for another couple drinks, but a strange swaying sensation stops him in his tracks. He holds up his hand as if to stop it by sheer will and looks around in concern. "Earthquake?" he asks blurrily.
Sean laughs so hard he falls off his barstool.
*****
"And then Adam says, 'Hey, I thought we were having ham!' and Morena had to reveal that it was all a joke. You should have seen his face! Joss took a picture. I'll show it to you sometime."
Sean snickers and shakes his head as he stops them in front of a door. It has a framed picture of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show on it, as well as a small sign that says the room is reserved. "Can you stand up by yourself a minute? This is us. Uh, I mean you." He only stammers a little bit.
"Sure I can! I only had a couple drinks, Seany. I'm fine!"
"Okay, I believe you. Where's the key?"
Nathan makes an exaggerated "you got me" expression, complete with hands up in the air.
Sean finds it on his second try, but not without a little inadvertent groping. Nathan's really warm and he smells really really good.
"You're very lucky to get this, you know. This is the only room in the place that you can reserve for the whole night. They do a lottery for it. Neil's a nice guy to let you have it." He opens the door and turns on the light.
"Yes, he is," Nathan agrees. "Very nice. I thought he wanted to give me a handjob in the closet, but I was wrong. He wants you to give me a handjob in the closet."
"What!?" Sean exclaims. "Get in here."
Nathan steps into the room and looks around. "Wait a minute. Where's Kermit?"
Sean shuts the door and locks it before leading Nathan over to the sofa. The suite is tastefully decorated in cool greens and blues with dark wood furniture. He goes into the restroom and pours a glass of water for Nathan.
"Please tell me you are not this drunk," he says as he hands it to Nathan.
Nathan drinks half of it before handing it back with a sheepish smile. "Nah. Sorry. I mean, I was a little tipsy, but it mostly wore off on the way up here. I think maybe I just thought it would be easier."
Sean frowns. "What would be easier?"
Nathan pulls him in and rests his hands on Sean's hips. He looks up with a mischievous grin. "To take advantage of you."
Sean leans down and kisses Nathan, just a small, sweet press of the lips. "You're an idiot. To take advantage of someone you have to get them drunk. Besides, all you had to do was ask. That's all you ever had to do."
"Really?" Nathan seems stunned. "Can I take advantage of you, then?"
Sean's response is completely nonverbal, but Nathan gets it just fine. He also gets a little bit of rug burn, but it should heal up in no time at all.
MAIN FLOOR
Buffet Room
They've been there for a half hour already and Jensen is starting to get anxious. Jared's plate is still half full.
"Dude, hurry up."
"What! I just started!" Jared's mouth is full of mashed potatoes, but Jensen's used to having to translate 'mouth full of food' into everyday english.
There are ice sculptures on all of the tables. Various studies of men fucking. The one on their table is a particularly athletic version of the sixty-nine. It's melting.
"Argh." Jensen lays his head down on the table and sulks.
"This roast beef is awesome!" Jared crows.
Ice Cream Parlor
"Skipping it!" Jensen sing-songs.
"Noooo."
"We don't have time for ice cream! We have a Gay Hollywood mansion to explore!"
"But--"
"I'll make you a banana split when we get home."
"With sprinkles?"
"Yes."
"Okay, fine."
Kitchen
Pots. Pans. Boiling water. Guys in aprons.
Boring.
Though Jared spies something of interest as Jensen drags him back out to the hallway. "No, wait! Cocktail weenies!"
Dance Floor
"Now, this is more like it." Jensen nods his head in beat with the music. "Right?"
There are about five couples out on the floor, dancing their hearts out to the latest Madonna single. A few more couples have staked out the pillars surrounding the floor and it looks like just about all of them are being used to prop up against. Jensen's head keeps nodding as he tries to figure out who Ethan Hawke has backed up against one of the pillars on the other side of the floor.
Jared snorts. "You're a dork. You don't even like this kind of music."
"But!" Jensen points to a couple that have taken dirty dancing to a whole new level. "There's grinding." He takes a closer look. "And stuff."
Jared looks them over as well. "Are those his balls?"
"Um, hey. There's a bar over here. Alcohol might be a good thing."
Jared goes very, very willingly.
Bar
Tequila shot, lime. Tequila shot, lime. Jell-o shot.
"Jesus, Jared. Slow it down."
Tequila shot, smack to the back of the head.
Movie Theatre
Once they pass the pillars, loud grunts can be heard over the music.
Jensen hesitates. "Maybe we shouldn't go in this one. I can't remember which room this is, but I don't think I'm up to walking in on anyone just yet."
Jared pulls him by the arm. "No nudity on this floor, remember?" He suddenly remembers that scene on the dance floor and shudders. "In theory."
"People can have sex with clothes on!" Jensen protests as Jared opens a door and pushes him inside. He squeezes his eyes shut.
The sex sounds, well, enthusiastic. And in surround sound.
Jensen slowly opens his eyes, wondering just how many people are in here.
The answer is only three: Billy, Dom, and Elijah curled up on a couch -- completely dressed -- and throwing popcorn at a screen.
"Come on, you can do better than that," Dom yells at the screen. "Help me out, guys."
As one, the three start grunting at the screen and adding sound effects. Elijah breaks down first and as he giggles, he turns and notices Jensen and Jared.
"Hey, come join us, we're watching really bad porn."
"We're improving really bad porn," Billy corrects.
"Yeah, the sound effects are about as pathetic as Billy's dick-- ow! -- so we're adding in our own."
"You should have stopped by a couple hours ago when Viggo was with us. He's got the best porn voice, but now he's off in the tub doing who knows what to who knows who."
"No team loyalty, that guy."
"None whatsoever."
"Who goes off to have hot, wet sex when he could be hanging out with friends instead?"
"How are your sex voices? Wanna join in? If Dom stops hogging all the space, there's room for you."
Jensen and Jared exchange glances. Jensen says, "This seems reasonably safe." Jared says, "Exactly. Let's go."
Jared grabs Jensen's arm again, this time leading him back out of the room. "Maybe another time, we've got exploring to do."
Room of Many Couches / Room of Only a Few Couches
Jensen closes his eyes as he tries to remember the floorplan. "Through here should be the room of--"
"Lemme guess: couches?"
"How did you--" Jensen opens his eyes. "Ah."
Before them is a room filled with, well, couches. Couches forming a semi-circle around a fireplace. Couches along the walls. Couches facing the walls to give a bit more privacy. Off to the right, there are a few steps up to another room with even more couches. The place looked like a furniture depot, although most of the furniture stores Jensen has been in had substantially fewer men making out.
"We could hang out here for a bit. Relax before heading upstairs," Jensen offers.
Jared scoffs. "I don't think there's a free couch anywhere."
"Sure there is; right over..." Jensen trails off as he examines the room more closely.
In one corner, bobbing up and down over the back of a couch, is the back of a head that Jensen thinks could belong to Jason Dohring. Zachary Levi and Matthew Bomer have their hands up each other's shirts, fingers exploring, on the next couch over. By the fireplace, Jude Law and Ewan McGregor are grinding frantically and Jensen wonders how strictly the 'no nudity on the main floor' is enforced because it certainly looks as though both have their pants pushed down to their calves. Jensen doesn't recognize anyone on the next few couches. No, wait, he knows Jack Davenport, but not the young blond whose head was in his lap. Wait, was that the guy who played Draco Malfoy?
"Okay, maybe there isn't a spot here," he admits.
"Onwards and upwards," replies Jared.
SECOND FLOOR
Roller Derby Suite
Jared makes it to the next room before Jensen's even finished climbing up the stairs.
He opens the door to absolute chaos.
"Holy crap, it's a Stargate Deathmatch!" He gets a little tingly.
The entire room is a roller rink, with padding on the walls. It's Flanigan, Momoa and Hewlett in blue, versus Judge, Shanks and Browder in green. They're all on roller skates and padded to the gills. Team Atlantis has wings on their helmets, while Team SG-1 has flames.
"Cool."
Jensen finally shows up right when they clash together. "Wow! Ouch. I don't want to do this."
"Me either, but it's fun to watch."
Hewlett goes down first, clutching his knee, but Shanks isn't far behind him. And then it really is a match to the death. Or may as well be. They're all going to be very bruised tomorrow.
Two minutes later Joe and Jason are doing a victory lap while the others groan. They were a little outmatched in the brawn department, but Joe's a sneaky one.
David limps over to the door and leans against the frame. "Can you hand me that bag?" He points to a red duffel bag leaning against the wall in the hallway. "I need my camera."
Jared hands over the bag. "What did you guys win?" he asks.
David grins maniacally. "Anything we want!" he says with glee.
Disco Suite
There's a sign-up sheet on the door. Every slot has been filled. Jensen starts to peek at the names, but a sudden loud thump from the room makes them both jump back.
They move on.
007 Suite
They walk in on a game of strip poker. There's a large felt table in the center of the room and around it are: David Anders, Nicolas Lea, Jeffrey Donovan, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. All of them are half-dressed, except for Ben who has nothing left but a sock and a smile.
"Come on in!" He gestures them over. "Wanna get in on the next hand?"
"How much to get started?" Jensen eyes the chips on the table.
"You ever play a spy? Secret agent?" David asks.
"Nope."
Ben glances over at Matt. "Well, there's a bit of an entrance fee, in that case."
"That's right." Nicolas adds with a sly grin. "You have to jack each other off, while we watch." Everyone around the table murmurs in agreement.
"Those are the rules of the 007 room," adds Jeffrey.
Matt says something under his breath that makes Ben sigh. "Matty, why would they name it the Bourne room? Don't be such a bitch. None of the rest of us are complaining."
Matt just grumbles and glares at the cards in his hand.
"So, you in? Out?" Ben rubs his arms for warmth.
"Out!" Jensen's already through the door, pulling Jared along with him.
But Jared isn't so quick to leave. "Maybe we'll be back," he says, with a parting wave.
Fairytale Suite
The carpet in front of the door is liberally covered with pink glitter. Jared scowls and tries to wipe it off his shoes and onto Jensen.
"Hey! Stop!" Jensen is trying to read the sign. The print is small. "Oh, by invite only. Should have taken Anderson up on that, huh?"
"Absolutely not."
Jared never does get all the glitter off of those shoes. He doesn't want to imagine the other places it could have gotten in or on if they had been invited.
The Tub
There's a picture of a rubber duckie on the door and a cloud of fragrant steam billows out when they enter.
Jensen stops just inside. "I don't know if I want to go in here," he whispers.
"You scared of a little water, kitty cat?" Jared smacks Jensen on the ass and drags him in. "Quit being so weird."
"Not a pussy," Jensen mutters under his breath. "I just don't want to get wet."
It is exactly as advertised. There's one huge claw-footed tub right smack dab in the middle of the room. It looks like it could easily fit ten or more people, but currently there are only five relaxing in it. The steam shrouds their features; all Jared can make out is hair and skin. Lots of skin.
"Shut the damn door!" someone bellows and Jared complies. The voice is familiar. "Sorry!" he says. "We'll just go."
"See! I knew we shouldn't have come in here." Jensen's already got his hand on the doorknob.
"Jared? Jen?"
"Kane? What the hell are you doing here?" Jensen forgets his trepidation and moves closer to the tub. Jared follows.
"Hey, man, just relaxing." His grin is very large and very stoned.
"I thought you were playing tonight?" Jensen asks.
"Got cancelled. So I came here instead. Don't tell Boreanaz, I'm going to surprise him later."
"How come you never told me about this place?" Jensen looks a little put out. "I thought we were friends and dude, this is something you share with friends."
"Awwww. Don't be mad, baby. I give my invites out on a 'want to bang' basis only. And I've already been there, done that." Someone in the tub snickers. "Shut up, Mike."
"Rosenbaum!" Jensen's voice goes up an octave. Jared tries to remember where the door is.
"Hello, boys. Why don't you join us? There's plenty of room." He pats the water next to him. "Jared, you can sit here."
"I've got a loofah." Another voice heard from.
Jensen squints through the steam. "Who else is in there?" he asks.
"Oh, hey, let me introduce you guys." Mike picks up a toy boat and uses it to point out his fellow tubbers. "Starting from your left we have Mr. Johnny Depp, current Holder of the Loofah." Johnny brandishes it.
"Next to him we have Mr. Viggo Mortensen, our Kind Benefactor of Weed for the evening. It's very good shit." Viggo smiles lazily and holds out a half-smoked joint.
The boys both shake their heads. Viggo shrugs and leans back, his eyes heavy-lidded.
Mike continues, "Then there is...wait. Where'd he go?" Just then a dark head pops out of the space between Johnny and Viggo.
"Jesus, Orlando. We almost forgot about you! You could have drowned!"
Orlando shakes his head and laughs breathlessly. "Viggo knew where I was."
"Mr. Bloom, the Amazing Underwater Artiste." Everyone in the tub applauds.
"Then there's me and Chris, whom at least Jensen knows very well." Mike grins. "Sure you don't want to come in for a little while, Jared?"
Jensen grabs onto Jared's sleeve. "No, he doesn't."
"Okay then." Mike points his boat at the last man in the tub. "And then there's this guy."
He's lean with longish blond hair, and he puts out his hand to shake. "No one ever gets the last name right, it's cool. Just call me Alex."
Mike echoes him. "Alex Guy. Alex Dude. He's on that new vampire show. HBO. Righteous." Alex nods. "And these two boners are my very good friends, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki." Everyone applauds again. Except for Orlando, who has apparently decided to continue his good works under the water.
Johnny groans and drops the loofah.
Jensen squeaks.
The Dungeon
"And this is the dungeon."
The door creaks as Jared opens it.
The room is too dark to see inside. There's a crack of a whip and the sound of a muffled whimper.
The door creaks as Jared closes it.
"And that was the dungeon."
Toys and Lube Storage
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"Clearly my sex ed was lacking."
"Yeah."
"Where would you even put that?"
"If you ever find out, don't tell me."
"How about show you?"
Jensen lets out a particularly undignified noise.
Back out in the hall, they bump into Jack Davenport, out of breath, but apparently from jogging up stairs, not sex. "Have you seen Johnny and Orlando? They never wait for me!"
Jared points at the door to the tub room and Jack is half out of his clothes by the time he disappears from sight.
Cops and Robbers Suite
There's a jail cell in one corner of the room. They step in and right away see a young man with dark hair, lying face down on a bench inside the cell. He's completely bare from the waist down, asscheeks an alarming shade of red. He's handcuffed to the bench.
Jared rattles the bars while Jensen examines the assorted cuffs and water pistols lined up on a table next to the door.
The young man looks up at the noise.
"Hey, you're Daniel Radcliffe!" Jared exclaims. "Harry Potter! I love those movies, man. And the books are great too!"
Daniel shakes the cuffs and smiles. "Thanks. You guys didn't happen to see Rupert around, did you? He plays Ron. Red hair? Stupid git?"
"No, sorry." And Jared really is.
"Fuck." Daniel twists around until he's half sitting on the bench. He winces. "He took the keys." He looks like he's about to cry.
"That sucks." Jensen joins Jared by the bars. He's got a water pistol. "You thirsty? I could toss one of these in."
"That'd be fantastic. Thanks!" Daniel hits them with a big smile before going all over sad again. "And it was my turn to play sheriff, too."
Muppet Suite
Another room that has to be reserved. Jensen's kinda glad. He has no desire to learn what kind of freaky shit goes down in a muppet-themed room. Ever.
Superhero Suite
"Who did you tell?"
"Tell what?"
Jensen points at the picture of a pink-clad superhero on the door. "Who knows about the pink pleather?"
"Oh!" Jared lets out a snort. "No one, I promise. It does bear a remarkable resemblance though."
"Shut up. Let's go inside."
James Marsden is sprawled out on a chair, lazily stroking himself. The real sight, however, is the three naked guys wrestling on the floor.
James smiles when he notices Jensen and Jared, then returns to shaking his head bemusedly.
"We were all fooling around but somehow it turned into a debate over who made the better Superman," he says by way of explanation. His hand never skips a beat.
With that hint, Jared can just barely discern that the twisting blurs of flesh are Tom Welling, Brandon Routh, and Dean Cain.
"Hugh Jackman got bored and wandered off," James continues after a few moments, "but I can't say I mind the view."
Erotica Gallery
There's a large, open area ahead of them, a couple coffee tables set up surrounded by oversized lounge chairs. The whole thing looks wildly out of place on a floor consisting of sex suites.
John Glover waves them over. "We were wondering if you guys would ever show up here. And whether or not it would be together or separately."
"I had sometime this year and together," George Takei says. "I think that means I was closest. Pay up, boys."
John, Victor Garber, and David Hyde Pierce all reach for their wallets.
"What are you guys doing here?" Jared asks.
"Drinking coffee."
"Admiring the view."
"Collecting gossip fodder."
"Making sure no one trashes the place."
"Admiring the view."
"Remembering when these things were held in a tiny 3-bedroom house."
"Hanging on to spare keys for all the handcuffs and otherwise lockable items for the inevitable missing key or missing partner fiasco."
"Admiring the view."
Jensen gets the impression that they could go on for hours. "I think Radcliffe could use a little help. He's in a bit of a bind over in--"
"Cops and Robbers," John finishes for him. "We know who's where."
George opens up a cabinet built in to the wall and searches for the appropriate key. "This should be it. Who wants to--"
"I'll go!" David says, louder and more vehemently than he probably meant to.
John shakes his head at him. "Such a perv."
"A young man is in trouble and needs my help," David protests.
"A young, likely naked man," Victor mutters.
"That is completely irrelevant! Key, please."
David walks off, just about as quickly as possible while still technically being walking.
As their eyes follow him, Jensen and Jared spot someone else in the hall, off by himself, nose almost pressed to the wall.
"Jeff?"
Jeffrey Dean Morgan spins at his name. "Oh, hey guys. Just get here?"
"Nah, we've been here a while, wandering around," Jensen answers.
Jared has less inclination to be polite. "Since when do you know about this place? And why didn't you ever tell us? We had to hear about it from some guy from Wales, of all places, while our own castmate keeps this a secret from us?"
"Gareth? Yeah, that figures," Jeff snickers. "To be honest, I thought you guys knew. Actually, I heard that it was you two behind the cheesecake incident and I thought it best not to bring it up."
"We didn't know and we didn't... do... stuff... with cheesecake."
"Huh." Jeff shrugs. "Maybe it was Bean after all. Anyway, this place is a zoo. I can't keep track of who knows what when, but you're here now."
"What were you looking at?" Jensen asks.
Jeff leads them back to where he had been standing. "This painting. I'm trying to figure out if it's physically possible to do that to someone."
"It is if you brace your left hand against their hip," Jared muses without thinking.
Jeff raises an eyebrow at him. "I'll have to remember that." He spreads an arm out and gestures around. "All the paintings in the gallery, I've been working my way through them. The others were easy enough to figure out -- and try out -- but this one I've never been able to figure out. Left hand on hip..."
"That's what we told you, Jeff," John calls out down the hall.
"You told me against the wall and with rope, you bastard. I had bruises and rope burn for days, not to mention a guy who wouldn't call me back after that."
The group at the coffee burst into laughter. "I told you he'd actually try it! Cough up, guys."
This time it's George and Victor handing over some bills.
"Wrong key!" They hear David yell. "I think it's the set from the 007 suite."
George jumps back up to the cabinet and hands a key to Victor. "Your turn."
Shortly after he disappears, Victor yells, "We need the cell key too!"
John takes the next key.
"I think we might need the bolt cutters!"
George sighs. "Come on, Jeffrey. It sounds like this is going to take all of us."
Jeff slings the set of bolt cutters over his shoulder and waves to Jared and Jensen as he heads off with George.
"That was weird," Jared says.
"Very," Jensen agrees.
Now that it's quiet, they wander past more of the pictures on the walls. And turn red as they picture Jeff acting them out.
Veranda
"Okay, now for the third floor."
"Hold me!"
"Shut up."
As they head to the stairs, Jared notices some doors they hadn't noticed before. "What's out there?"
Jensen shrugs and turns mid-stride, cutting through the gallery. The doors take them outside to a veranda. It's cool, but not uncomfortably so, perfect weather for taking a breather outside. Which must be what others had in mind too.
David Boreanaz leans against the railing, cigarette in hand. Neil Patrick Harris is a few steps away, arms wrapped comfortably around someone Jensen and Jared don't recognize, but it's obvious the two didn't just meet tonight.
David grins at them. "Lots of old new faces joining us tonight. First Nathan--"
"Nate Corddry's here?" Jared asks excitedly.
David raises an eyebrow. "Fillion."
"Oh."
"I'll tell him your enthusiasm was overwhelming."
"No, he's okay, I just--"
Jensen cuts Jared off before he digs himself in deeper. "Fillion's great. Jared just has a bit of a crush on Corddry." He lowers his voice faux conspiratorially. "Something about him being all puppy dog adorable."
The veranda erupts into laughter.
"What?" Jared asks, sure that they're laughing at him, but without any idea why. He pouts when they all wave him off, but decides to stay quiet so he doesn't make it worse.
As they calm down, Jensen clues in to what David had said. "Fillion's here? Huh. I always had him pegged as straight. Flirty, with wandering hands, but straight."
David shrugs. "Ask him about alternate uses of on set supply closets some time," Neil offers. "Or, better yet, just make suggestive gestures at him next time you're at a panel or publicity shot or something together. I guarantee you've never heard such stammering."
"Maybe we should go track him down and say hi," Jensen tells Jared. He turns back to David. "Do you know where he is?"
"Oh, I think he's going to have his hands full tonight. Catch up with him some other time."
"Okay," says Jensen. "Hey, what are you doing out here? I would have thought the Great Boreanaz would be picking up left and right in a place like this."
"Nah, those days are behind me."
Neil snorts.
"Mostly behind me. I was hoping that Christian would be joining me, but he has a gig."
"It was cancelled. He's in--"
Jensen elbows Jared sharply. "We haven't seen him," Jensen says firmly, to Jared more than to David.
David pulls Jared away from Jensen and stares him down. "Where is he?"
Jared hesitates and looks to Jensen for help.
David puts his hands on Jared's shoulders. "Look, I know where you're ticklish and I know you can't hold anything back when you're being tickled."
Jared shoots Jensen another look, this time a 'how dare you' one. Jensen shrugs back. "Wasn't me."
"Worst kept secret, Jared. Everybody knows. Now talk." David wiggles his fingers in front of Jared's face.
"The tub. He's in the tub. But he's not hiding from you, he said he wanted to surprise you!"
"Yeah, surprise me after he's been off having fun on his own."
"Well, he wasn't on his-- ow!" Again, Jensen's elbow hits its mark too late to do any good.
David gives them all a quick nod then stalks back inside.
Jensen turns back to Neil and the guy he assumes is Neil's boyfriend, but finds they are not the slightest bit interested in making conversation at the moment. Not that they could if they wanted to -- mouths are definitely otherwise occupied.
"Come on," Jensen says, reaching for Jared. "Let's go."
THIRD FLOOR
Neutral Zone
"This place is crazy." Jensen's starting to look a little wild-eyed as they go up the stairs to the third floor.
"Well, we could always go back to the ice cream parlor." But Jared kind of hopes Jensen won't take him up on that, despite his longing for a double scoop of chocolate chocolate chip in a waffle cone. He's been half hard ever since the tub room.
"No, we're here. May as well get the whole experience, right?" They both nod and steel themselves for what lies in wait at the top of the stairs.
There's an older man sitting on a stool by a closed door. On the wall next to him are pegs with all kinds of costumes and props hanging off of them.
"Good evening, gentleman."
"Shit! That's Sir Ian McK--" Jared puts a hand over Jensen's mouth. "Hey," he says in return. "We're kind of new here. Are we allowed in, or is it by invitation only?"
"Oh! Everyone is welcome! Let me explain the rules. First you must pick one: ninjas, pirates, astronauts or cowboys." He waits patiently while they make their decision.
"Cowboys!" In unison.
"Wonderful! Then you will need these." Sir Ian plucks two cowboy hats off of the wall.
There's a sudden huge roar from outside.
"What the fuck?" Jared asks.
"That would be the auction." Ian smiles wisely at them. "I hear the main event this evening is Brad Pitt. I expect it will be a feeding frenzy. Would you prefer to join them, or shall I continue?"
Jensen shakes his head at Jared. "No, we'll stay here."
"Excellent. Now, as cowboys you are welcome to join the astronauts in the space cowboys sector, but you may not join the astronauts in their own suite. If you had chosen pirates, the same rule would be in effect as they may join the astronauts in the space pirates sector, but again not in the astronauts suite itself. Astronauts may go into both of those sectors as well, but cannot enter the pirates suite or the cowboys suite. I, myself, prefer being an astronaut, more options. In fact," he checks his watch, "my replacement will be here momentarily and I shall be joining their ranks."
Jared clears his throat. 'What about the ninjas, sir?" Jensen just stares.
"Oh! Ninjas are very selective, they do not mix. Of course one may occasionally find a ninja in the neutral zone, but I have only seen that happen once before. It's very unusual. The neutral zone is for everybody, and as cowboys will be your only chance at a pirate. They're not nearly as picky. There are plenty of condoms and lube provided, and showers as well."
They all hear footsteps coming up from behind. "Ah! There he is! Good evening, Mr. Alan Cumming! Right on time! I was just about to send these young men on their very first quest." Sir Ian opens the door. "Play safe and good luck!"
"And watch out for the room of balls!" Alan adds.
"Oh, quite right. Nasty things in there."
Jared turns to Jensen. "No matter what," Jared starts. Jensen grabs Jared's hand. "We'll always have each other," Jensen finishes. "No," Jared says. "No matter what, we can always leave if it gets too weird."
They take a deep breath and enter the unknown.
There's a room on the third floor that is STRICTLY OFF-LIMITS. It doesn't even have a lock, but rather a keypad. The combination known to only a select few. No one has ever been seen entering or exiting the room. Speculation is rampant. The select few never talk about it.
The gay masses would be surprised if they ever stepped foot inside. There's absolutely nothing kinky or outrageous in there at all. Well, except for maybe the man kneeling in the corner. He's currently stripped to the skin, wearing only a harness, a cock ring and a ball gag, hands tied behind his back.
That might be a little kinky.
*****
A lighter flicks and sparks to life. A cigar is held steadily over the flame. Ice cubes are carefully placed one by one into tumblers. The good scotch is poured.
"This place is amazing." John settles back into the leather sofa and gratefully accepts the drink.
"Yeah. It's taken a few years to get it just right, but I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out." George puffs on his cigar. "Sure you don't want one?" He holds it out.
"Oh, no, this is just fine. Thank you." John can't stop smiling. "Can I try my hand with the remote?"
"Sure, be my guest." George settles into the chair next to him and puts his feet up.
The large screen television on the wall before them flickers as John goes from room to room. "Here we go." He stops when he reaches the scene he wants. It's one of the couch rooms and despite the rules, there's plenty of skin to be seen. "Do you tape it? Or just watch it live?"
George shrugs. "Some of both. Depends on my mood. But nothing leaves this room." It's a warning of sorts, but so kindly spoken that John doesn't take offense.
"Are we being taped?" He looks for hidden cameras.
"What do you think?" George flashes him a grin.
"Why, I do declare. Clooney, my good man, do you have designs on little ol' me?"
George laughs heartily and takes a sip of his drink. "At this point, Barrowman, you're pretty much the only uncharted territory in the place and that's a damn shame."
"That one in the red shirt?" John points.
"Oh, yes."
"Him?" This one is in blue.
"Wanted to call me Daddy."
John laughs.
Channel after channel, room after room. Occasionally they even come across one John's been with. He's not as big of a whore as everyone thinks. Really. They compare notes.
One encounter in particular has them both smiling. The two men are obviously post-coital, wrapped in the sheets and each other. The darker haired man looks like he just won the lottery. He says something to the other man and they kiss sweetly.
John studies the remote. "How do you--"
"The green button will turn off the camera. Looks like love, doesn't it? This place has all kinds of rewards."
There's silence as they finally reach the neutral zone on the orgy floor.
"That's incredible!" John exclaims at the two figures in cowboy hats. He zooms in. "Who are they?"
George squints and shakes his head. "No idea. Must be new."
A muffled noise comes from the corner.
"What's that? Gareth? Did you say something?"
Another muffled noise.
"That won't do. Come here." John snaps his fingers and points to the floor next to him.
Gareth shuffles over on his knees and John carefully undoes the ball gag.
"I invited them," Gareth manages to gasp.
"What a good boy!" John is pleased. "And just for that, I'll let you pick whose cock to suck first." He pats Gareth on the head. "And maybe, if you do a good job, I'll fuck you while George here fucks me. What do you say, George?"
"Sounds like a plan and a half." He eyes Gareth's eager-to-please expression. "And I'd say you're training him very well."
John smiles. "He likes to try new things."
"How about a refill on that drink?"
"Sure, why not? We've got the whole night ahead of us."
Fandom: RPF. Crack. Is crack a fandom?
Pairings: Gareth David-Lloyd/Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, George Clooney/John Barrowman, Nathan Fillion/Sean Maher, Nathan Fillion/Neil Patrick Harris. Um. A lot of others too.
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 10,000 words
A/N: Written with llaras for sparky77 for the Pretty Lights Actor Ficathon. Short story is one awesome friend got another awesome friend as a recipient, came up with an incredible plot to work all five requests in to one story, then (mistakenly) decided that she couldn't write the crack required to get everyone in the same place. So I helped. Somehow we ended up writing something both longer and crackier than anything either of us had written before. In a ridiculously short period of time. Also, there are maps in case you get lost.
Disclaimer: I'm not any of these people and this never happened.
Fangirls around the world would go crazy if they ever found out about this, Jensen thinks. They'd gone wild when he and Jared had pretended to kiss on-stage, but that was nothing compared to what would happen if the closed circuit video on this elevator was ever made public. Which, now that he thinks about it, is probably why Gareth is only using one hand for groping while the other remains fixed in place no matter how much they squirm, fingers splayed over what Jensen can only assume is the camera lens. Yes, if fangirls think we like to fool around on stage for clips that'll be played, repeatedly, on youtube for years to come, that's nothing compared to the fooling around that happens when the con's over for the day and we're all heading back to our respective hotel rooms.
"Wait, Gareth, wait." The kisses are getting sloppier and his jeans are getting tighter and if he doesn't take a time out rightthisfuckingsecond he's going to pass out and then Gareth will have to uncover the camera lens and that would probably stir up the fangirls just as much as the making out in an elevator. Him passed out on the floor with Gareth leaning over him with a hard-on, and the last thing he needs is a reputation like Duchovny's...
He derails that line of thought before it can go any further and presses one soft kiss to the corner of Gareth's mouth. "What are you doing after this?" he asks.
Gareth sighs. "Well, I was hoping to get laid."
Jensen's eyes grow wide at the brashness of the declaration and he stills. "I should--"
"Take off your pants?"
"No, I should--"
"Take off my pants?"
"No, I need to--"
"Come back to my room? My suite's got an oversized tub," Gareth says, leaning back just long enough to flash Jensen an impish grin before putting his tongue back to good use.
Jensen groans and submits for a few short seconds before stilling again. "No, really, I should..." What? The first rule he and Jared had ever made was no rules, no questions. And everyone knows that what happens at con, stays at con, unless it happens to be recorded on someone's cell phone. Jared wouldn't begrudge him this... except Jared was waiting for him back in their hotel room, just a few floors up. And while Gareth promised a good time, Jared is a sure bet, having proven time and time again that he knows exactly what Jensen likes.
He grinds into Gareth, slow and unfrantic this time, then steps away and hits the button for his floor. "I should head back to my room. I've got someone waiting. Maybe next time we're both at one of these things."
Gareth brushes off the obvious non-invite and struggles with a pocket of his also too-tight jeans.
He pulls out a white business card, slightly crumpled and hands it to Jensen. It's just a phone number. Jensen searches for his cell, it's in one of his jacket pockets. "Hold on, you can keep the card. I'll just add you--"
Gareth reaches over and punches a different number on the elevator panel, higher up. "No, that's for you. Keep hold of it. It's like an invite, yeah?"
Jensen stares at the card and wonders if that's British for something that he should totally know like how jumpers are sweaters or whatever.
"Invite. For what?"
Gareth smiles, leans in close and whispers, "Call it next time you're in town. And bring your someone."
The next thing Jensen knows he's standing in the hallway while the elevator doors close, wiping spit out of his ear. "Oooookay."
He doesn't see the card again until weeks later when he's cleaning out his jacket pockets. He stares at it a minute before remembering the elevator encounter and Gareth. He shrugs and tosses the card into the junk drawer by the kitchen sink. It's laundry day, and if he doesn't get it at least started by the time Jared gets home he's going to hear about it forever. And probably have to wear that stupid outfit again. He doesn't care what Jared says, no one looks good in that much pink pleather.
Nathan has always been a strawberry kind of guy. Though blueberries are good too. And grapes are always a tasty treat. In fact... That thought is interrupted when someone bumps up against the craft service table next to him.
"You know, you don't have to choose just one. There is such a thing as fruit salad."
"No, there's not. Salads are wilting pieces of lettuce with a few other veggies thrown in for good measure. Fruit can't be a salad. A fruit casserole, maybe. Fruit melange."
Neil snickers and elbows Nathan in the ribs. "I'll give you melange," he says, before scooping up a handful of strawberries and dropping them on Nathan's plate. Nathan gasps in mock outrage when Neil continues with the other fruit options. "I can't believe you just did that."
Neil licks his fingers one by one, merriment in his eyes.
Nathan's eyes narrow as he watches. "How do I know where your hands have been! You could have been doing anything before this!"
Neil goes absolutely serious. "You weren't complaining earlier when I gave you that handjob in the downstairs closet."
"What!?" Nathan looks around, but everyone is too busy or too far away to be paying attention to their antics.
"Oh," Neil holds up a finger and frowns. "Wait. That hasn't happened. Yet."
Nathan decides that Neil is joking. Then decides that Neil is being serious. Then decides that Neil somehow found out about the time he and Sean were discovered in the supply closet and is just teasing him. Then decides again that Neil is serious.
"I, uh..."
Neil lets him stammer for a little longer before breaking out a wide smile and clapping Nathan on the shoulder. "Kidding! Man, the look on your face. Seriously though, try some kiwi. High in potassium." And with that, Neil is off.
A bell rings, calling him back to the set, and Nathan is relieved to have something to do that doesn't involve fruit, Neil, wondering where Neil's hands have been and/or are going to be, or deciding whether it was Summer or Jewel who was more likely to have blabbed.
The relief is short-lived. Neil's not even in the press conference scene or, at least, not in it for a while yet, but he spends most of Nathan's speech and song hanging around the extras and the crew. Always visible from the front of the room. Always timing his lewd and suggestive gestures right when the camera's on Nathan.
Joss finally gives up and tells Nathan to take five, or however long he needs until he can make it through a line without a flub, but preferably not longer than five.
The way back to the craft service table is right past Neil and the last thing he wants is to look at any more fruit, but Nathan decides that coffee would be a good thing, and if he has to pass Neil to get there, so be it. He walks quickly, head down, trying to make sure his body language is saying "I'm just a guy in need of coffee" and not "hey, I'm not busy for the next five minutes, did somebody say something about a closet?"
Neil ignores the message and trails after him and Nathan soon finds himself cornered by the coffee machine. Neil thrusts a hand into one of Nathan's pockets and he wonders if Neil has decided to forgo the seclusion of a closet and give him the prophesied handjob right there in front of everyone. Instead, Neil is halfway across the room before Nathan realizes that his pocket is down one hand, but up one business card containing nothing but a phone number. A number that Nathan is fairly certain does not belong to Neil.
"What is--"
Neil waves him off and keeps walking away. "Just call it sometime."
Jared has exactly three ticklish spots on his body: the sole of his right foot, the crook of his left elbow, and the patch of skin right below his bellybutton. Jensen knew about the first two long before they got together: from evenings spent wrestling on the floor in front of the television, football game long over, copious amounts of beer consumed, pizza boxes scattered as they fought for control of the remote; from doing stunts on the set, hands not always connecting where they should despite hours of practice; from that one time Jared fell asleep on his couch and Jensen thought he might sleep better if his boots were off.
He's actually a bit astonished it took them as long as it did, considering how many times he'd had his hands on Jared before they even kissed. Years and years of unknowing foreplay.
That third spot is his favorite. Jensen will never tell Jared that, afraid he'll laugh or tease. But he feels the most powerful, the most capable, when he has Jared spread out before him, naked and twitching while he licks and sucks at that little bare spot of skin.
"Jesus, Jensen, is that the only spot you care about or what?" Busted.
Jared leans up on his elbows. He's flushed and slightly out of breath. And whatever this is, it's new enough that the sight of Jared aroused and ready for sex is enough to make Jensen stutter.
"I, I, no," he manages.
Jared raises an expectant eyebrow that clearly states "I am too polite to say 'well, get on with it then,' but seriously, get on with it."
Jensen complies, moving first hands then mouth down to Jared's dick. Jared gasps in response and before long is too distracted to notice when Jensen's tongue returns to make the occasional quick swipe over his favorite spot.
The dryer buzzes just seconds after they come for the second time and Jared smacks Jensen's ass before rolling out from beneath him. "You better get that," he says. "And hey, while you're up, make me a sandwich?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. "So much for the afterglow. Do I look like your bitch?"
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it, there's definitely a resemblance." Jared slides off the bed, narrowly avoiding the pillow that had been aimed at his head. "Ok, you get the laundry, I'll make sandwiches."
When Jensen returns, he finds that the sandwich making got as far as setting out some bread on the counter, but no farther. Jared has the junk drawer open, and he's frowning.
Among the pens, scissors, and tape -- not to mention the many stolen pads of hotel paper -- the junk drawer is where they keep the sparkly stickers they use to adorn each other's plastic baggies when they bring snacks or sandwiches to work.
"What's wrong? Out of 'You're #1's?"
Jared hands Jensen the forgotten business card. "I was trying to figure out if you have a gentleman caller, if you are a gentleman caller, or if you're James Bond and didn't tell me."
"Oh! Hey, I forgot about that." Jensen rubs his face and tries to put on his most charming smile. "At that last con we went to? A guy gave that to me." He opens the fridge and rummages a bit. "Dude, are we out of turkey?"
Jared's leaning against the countertop, arms folded across his chest. "I don't know about the turkey, but I know we have plenty of chicken. Right here. In the kitchen. Wearing a stupid blue t-shirt and pants that are too big for his ass."
Jensen grabs his own ass. "Hey, they are not," he says in a wounded tone. "And this is your shirt, asshole."
"Lemme guess. Orlando? No, he wasn't at that one. Don't tell me it was Rosenbaum; you said the two of you were over."
"It wasn't and we are."
"Then who?"
"Gareth."
Jared lets out a loud snort. "Gareth? You know, for an ostensibly straight guy, he picks up more men than half the gay guys I know."
"He wasn't picking me up! He was just--"
"Kissing?"
"Yeah."
"Groping?"
"Yeah."
"Inviting you back to his room?"
"Well...yeah."
"Picking. You. Up."
"Alright, maybe, but I don't think the number's his."
"Because you have his number memorized?"
"Shut up." Jensen makes a grab for Ticklish Spot #2 and soon has Jared twisting and laughing beneath his hands.
Later after they've recovered from their third orgasms of the day and are making inroads on truly huge sandwiches -- Jared always thinks bigger is better and makes them to fit his spectacularly enormous mouth, never mind that Jensen has a more normal sized mouth and it's not really how big it is, it's what you do with it -- Jensen slaps his cell on the table between them.
"Here." A slice of pickle falls out of his sandwich.
"Gee, thanks, sweetie. But I already have a phone." Jared is licking mustard off his fingers.
"No, I mean, call that number." He slides the card over to Jared. "He said to call it the next time I was in town. And to bring you."
Jared pauses in his clean up. He still has mustard on his pinkie. "You told him about us?"
Jensen grabs Jared's hand and sucks the mustard-tipped pinkie into his mouth. He lets it out with a pop. "Kinda."
Jared spends all of two seconds contemplating this development before grabbing the phone, dialing, and switching on the speaker.
"11 Ross Lane. Montecito. October twenty-first. Any time after eight." And then a click as the recording ends.
Jensen and Jared raise their eyebrows at each other. "Call back," prompts Jared, grabbing a pen and pad of paper from the junk drawer.
Jensen stares off into space as the message plays a second time. "I'm sure I recognize that voice, but I can't place it. You?"
Jared shakes his head. "Only one way to find out. Got plans for the twenty-first?"
Jensen grins. "I suppose we do now."
Nathan is standing in front of his closet, towel wrapped around his waist as he contemplates his options. Jeans? Something nicer?
His phone rings and he drops a handful of shirts and hangers in his haste to get it before it goes to voicemail.
It's Neil. "Hey," he answers.
"Wear something comfortable. Maybe one of those girly shirts you like so much."
"What are you getting me into, Harris?" He's changed his mind about going to this thing, whatever it is, about a dozen times already.
"I'm picking you up in about an hour. Don't worry about dinner, there'll be food."
The entire ride over, Nathan waffles between being grateful that there'll be at least one familiar face at wherever they're going and wondering if he really wants Neil as a witness if he's going to be the butt of some complicated joke. Then again, Neil gave him the invite, so it's not like it was ever likely that he'd be able to avoid him.
He relaxes somewhat as they pull into a long driveway that meanders up to a house that Nathan might be able to afford if Firefly had made it to a thirtieth season. After promising (threatening?) a supply closet handjob, Neil wouldn't have turned around and planned something as elaborate as a secluded mansion just for seduction purposes. And the driveway was full of cars and lots of cars meant lots of people and lots of people meant that Nathan probably had nothing ahead of him but an evening of schmoozing.
When they reach the front door, they're stopped by a man that Nathan thinks would not look out of place standing behind a president, looking out for snipers. He looks Nathan up and down and sticks his hand out. "Let me see your invite."
Neil steps forward. "It's alright, Mark, he's with me."
"Mr. Harris." The guard nods and opens the door for them.
"Security guards?" Nathan whispers as someone takes his jacket. "What is this place?"
"You'll see." Neil smiles and leads him further into the entrance.
The place is crowded, but Nathan recognizes many of the faces -- mostly from on screen, but a few that he actually knows. He spots Boreanaz off in one corner and takes a couple steps in his direction. Then stops in his tracks when David moves just enough for Nathan to see who he's talking to. Sean.
"What is this place?" Nathan repeats, his voice sounding considerably more strangled this time.
"Gay Hollywood. Well, the male and slutty portion of Gay Hollywood. The women are at another venue."
Nathan still isn't sure that this isn't some weird joke. He has to grab Neil's arm to keep himself from walking right back out the door.
"Nathan! What a surprise!" David's there, grinning and patting him on the back. Sean came over too, but he doesn't look as happy to see Nathan.
"Yeah, it certainly is." Nathan lets Neil go, but only after throwing a puzzled glance his way. Neil just smiles and nods.
"This your first time? I don't think I've seen you here before."
"Yes, it's my first time at the..." He looks around the room. "Gay Hollywood..." Is that Jude Law and Ewan McGregor making out by the fireplace? "Orgy?"
David laughs. "No, man, downstairs is mainly for hanging out. The orgy is strictly third floor. They had to make that rule when someone ended up bareass on the dessert table. Cheesecake has been ruined for me forever." He shudders. "Buffet's through there." He gestures behind him.
But Nathan's not really listening. Because Sean is there and he hasn't seen Sean in what feels like forever. You'd think that their closet encounter would have brought them closer together, but everything had been weird after that day. Who knows, maybe it hadn't been as good for Sean as it had for him.
Everyone is quiet for a moment and Nathan realizes Neil and David are looking at him expectantly. He has to tear his eyes away from Sean's questioning look to turn his attention back to the conversation. "I didn't know you were gay," he says to David.
"Oh, well, bisexual, whatever." David shrugs. "The only important thing is that you--"
"Like to suck cock," Neil says with glee.
David rolls his eyes. "Or--"
"A tongue up your ass."
"Jeez, a guy tells you something once in confidence--"
"And the next thing you know, another guy is coming all over your face."
David laughs and turns red. He tries to redirect, looks back and forth between Neil and Nathan. "Hey, you guys here together, or...?"
Nathan isn't sure what to say. Are they? He doesn't look at Sean.
But Neil shakes his head. "Nah, I'm meeting my David here. How about you?" He pointedly looks at Sean.
David throws an arm around Sean's shoulder and pulls him in for a quick squeeze. Sean smiles wanly. "We're just catching up. I was hoping Christian would be here, but he's got a gig, so."
Neil nods and turns to Nathan. "You're good? You're good. I'm going to leave you in capable hands here." To David, with a tilt of his head, "Wanna?"
David grins and pulls a key from the front pocket of his pants. "Got a room, even. Disco, baby. From nine until ten. Let's go find your guy."
Neil grins back and pulls a key from his own pocket. He tosses it to Nathan. "Just in case. I got it for all night. Text me if you need a ride home." And with that, they're gone. And Nathan's alone with Sean.
He turns the key in his hands. The key ring has a picture of Bert and Ernie on it. "Um." Talk about awkward. He looks up. "Hi."
Sean is equally at a loss for words. "Hi."
They stand there for a few moments before Nathan makes a decision. "David mentioned food?"
Sean nods. "Yeah, okay. There's an open bar, too. Let me show you around."
"A drink would be good." Possibly more than one.
Jensen and Jared stand in the middle of the hall trying to keep their mouths from hanging open. Jared is slightly more successful than Jensen, but only slightly.
"I feel like we just walked into some kind of fantasy land," Jensen says in what he hopes is a quiet voice.
He realizes he must have been louder than he thought when Anderson Cooper saunters over and wraps an arm around Jensen's shoulders. "Fairytale's up on the second floor. I could probably get you in if you wanted."
"I, uh, thank you."
Before Jensen is able to retain coherency, Anderson is halfway to the bar, beelining toward an entwined couple who look suspiciously like Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar.
"Dude, you were just cruised by Anderson Cooper!" Jared hisses.
"No I wasn't! Wait, was I?"
"I think so." Jared falters. "Well, I'm not sure. I didn't really hear what he said to you, his leather pants were kinda distracting. And tight."
Jensen feels like his head is spinning. "Where the hell are we?" he asks, not even trying to keep quiet this time.
"Good, you made it!"
Jensen and Jared spin around and see Gareth weaving through the crowd to get to them.
"What's going on here?"
"Gay Hollywood," Gareth says as if that answers everything. He's met with two blank looks. "The orgies? The Tub?" Gareth sighs when they shake their heads at him. "I swear all you gay guys would be lost if it wasn't for people like me. Come on, there's a map over here."
As he leads them back to where they came in, Gareth continues explaining. "Alright, all the gay men in Hollywood descend on this place a few times a year for a little fun. Well, not strictly Hollywood; showbiz, theatre, anyone in the public eye, really. I heard someone say that a couple Chicago Cubs had been to the last few. The invites and the phone message and the guard at the door are all to make sure that only people who are supposed to be here get in. Remember when Paris' phone was hacked a couple years back and a bunch of phone numbers were leaked? Somehow -- no one will own up to it, but I'm pretty sure Nick Carter was involved -- she got the number and then everyone had the number and then they had to change where we met and everything. That's the official story, anyway. Don't tell anyone, but my theory is that whoever owns this place gets off on the secrecy."
Jensen struggles to keep up with Gareth's rambling. "Who owns--"
"No idea. Here we are." Gareth stabs a finger at the red X on the map they're now standing in front of. "When I said orgies before? That's only on the third floor. There's couches for snogging and stuff down here, but clothes stay on. Sometime before I started coming, there was an incident. Desserts were involved. I'm not really sure; no one wants to talk about it." He gestures them closer and whispers, "I think maybe it had something to do with Sean Bean. All I know is that he's banned now." His voice goes bigger and brighter after that revelation. "Any questions?"
"So, you are gay?" Jared asks, thinking he's finally going to get to the bottom of that mystery. Get a straight answer, so to speak.
"Of course not. You don't have to be gay to be here. I mean, we say Gay Hollywood, but bi guys are welcome too, of course."
"You're bi?" Jared asks.
"Not at all, I just don't see why you guys should have all the fun. Just because I'm straight doesn't mean I don't fancy snogging a guy every now and then." Gareth gets a slightly alarmed look on his face as he remembers something and checks his watch. "You two will need to find your own way around now, Barrowman's waiting for me upstairs and he gets cranky when I make him wait."
Jensen's staring at the map like he's trying to memorize it and it takes three sharp pokes to his shoulder to get his attention.
"What," he mutters. "Ow! Stop it!"
Jared sighs. "Let's just take it room by room, okay? That way we don't miss anything."
"Oh, look!" Jensen points to a flier tacked up next to the map. "They're doing an auction in the basketball courts at midnight! What do you think they're auctioning?" He leers at Jared. "It says all proceeds go to charity. That's really cool."
"C'mon." Jared grabs Jensen's hand and pulls him towards the buffet room. "I think I'm going to need some energy for the night ahead."
Sean's guided tour starts and ends at the bar where Nathan orders a Long Island iced tea, despite Sean's teasing about it being a girly drink. Like he can talk, his preferred cocktail is the lemon drop martini. They sit at a tall table by the windows and the first couple of minutes are very quiet. Until Sean throws a peanut at Nathan's head.
They start to ease up around each other after the second round and by the third they are cracking jokes and gossiping about friends they have in common. It's almost like old times, pre-closet shenanigans.
Nathan starts to get up for another couple drinks, but a strange swaying sensation stops him in his tracks. He holds up his hand as if to stop it by sheer will and looks around in concern. "Earthquake?" he asks blurrily.
Sean laughs so hard he falls off his barstool.
*****
"And then Adam says, 'Hey, I thought we were having ham!' and Morena had to reveal that it was all a joke. You should have seen his face! Joss took a picture. I'll show it to you sometime."
Sean snickers and shakes his head as he stops them in front of a door. It has a framed picture of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show on it, as well as a small sign that says the room is reserved. "Can you stand up by yourself a minute? This is us. Uh, I mean you." He only stammers a little bit.
"Sure I can! I only had a couple drinks, Seany. I'm fine!"
"Okay, I believe you. Where's the key?"
Nathan makes an exaggerated "you got me" expression, complete with hands up in the air.
Sean finds it on his second try, but not without a little inadvertent groping. Nathan's really warm and he smells really really good.
"You're very lucky to get this, you know. This is the only room in the place that you can reserve for the whole night. They do a lottery for it. Neil's a nice guy to let you have it." He opens the door and turns on the light.
"Yes, he is," Nathan agrees. "Very nice. I thought he wanted to give me a handjob in the closet, but I was wrong. He wants you to give me a handjob in the closet."
"What!?" Sean exclaims. "Get in here."
Nathan steps into the room and looks around. "Wait a minute. Where's Kermit?"
Sean shuts the door and locks it before leading Nathan over to the sofa. The suite is tastefully decorated in cool greens and blues with dark wood furniture. He goes into the restroom and pours a glass of water for Nathan.
"Please tell me you are not this drunk," he says as he hands it to Nathan.
Nathan drinks half of it before handing it back with a sheepish smile. "Nah. Sorry. I mean, I was a little tipsy, but it mostly wore off on the way up here. I think maybe I just thought it would be easier."
Sean frowns. "What would be easier?"
Nathan pulls him in and rests his hands on Sean's hips. He looks up with a mischievous grin. "To take advantage of you."
Sean leans down and kisses Nathan, just a small, sweet press of the lips. "You're an idiot. To take advantage of someone you have to get them drunk. Besides, all you had to do was ask. That's all you ever had to do."
"Really?" Nathan seems stunned. "Can I take advantage of you, then?"
Sean's response is completely nonverbal, but Nathan gets it just fine. He also gets a little bit of rug burn, but it should heal up in no time at all.
MAIN FLOOR
Buffet Room
They've been there for a half hour already and Jensen is starting to get anxious. Jared's plate is still half full.
"Dude, hurry up."
"What! I just started!" Jared's mouth is full of mashed potatoes, but Jensen's used to having to translate 'mouth full of food' into everyday english.
There are ice sculptures on all of the tables. Various studies of men fucking. The one on their table is a particularly athletic version of the sixty-nine. It's melting.
"Argh." Jensen lays his head down on the table and sulks.
"This roast beef is awesome!" Jared crows.
Ice Cream Parlor
"Skipping it!" Jensen sing-songs.
"Noooo."
"We don't have time for ice cream! We have a Gay Hollywood mansion to explore!"
"But--"
"I'll make you a banana split when we get home."
"With sprinkles?"
"Yes."
"Okay, fine."
Kitchen
Pots. Pans. Boiling water. Guys in aprons.
Boring.
Though Jared spies something of interest as Jensen drags him back out to the hallway. "No, wait! Cocktail weenies!"
Dance Floor
"Now, this is more like it." Jensen nods his head in beat with the music. "Right?"
There are about five couples out on the floor, dancing their hearts out to the latest Madonna single. A few more couples have staked out the pillars surrounding the floor and it looks like just about all of them are being used to prop up against. Jensen's head keeps nodding as he tries to figure out who Ethan Hawke has backed up against one of the pillars on the other side of the floor.
Jared snorts. "You're a dork. You don't even like this kind of music."
"But!" Jensen points to a couple that have taken dirty dancing to a whole new level. "There's grinding." He takes a closer look. "And stuff."
Jared looks them over as well. "Are those his balls?"
"Um, hey. There's a bar over here. Alcohol might be a good thing."
Jared goes very, very willingly.
Bar
Tequila shot, lime. Tequila shot, lime. Jell-o shot.
"Jesus, Jared. Slow it down."
Tequila shot, smack to the back of the head.
Movie Theatre
Once they pass the pillars, loud grunts can be heard over the music.
Jensen hesitates. "Maybe we shouldn't go in this one. I can't remember which room this is, but I don't think I'm up to walking in on anyone just yet."
Jared pulls him by the arm. "No nudity on this floor, remember?" He suddenly remembers that scene on the dance floor and shudders. "In theory."
"People can have sex with clothes on!" Jensen protests as Jared opens a door and pushes him inside. He squeezes his eyes shut.
The sex sounds, well, enthusiastic. And in surround sound.
Jensen slowly opens his eyes, wondering just how many people are in here.
The answer is only three: Billy, Dom, and Elijah curled up on a couch -- completely dressed -- and throwing popcorn at a screen.
"Come on, you can do better than that," Dom yells at the screen. "Help me out, guys."
As one, the three start grunting at the screen and adding sound effects. Elijah breaks down first and as he giggles, he turns and notices Jensen and Jared.
"Hey, come join us, we're watching really bad porn."
"We're improving really bad porn," Billy corrects.
"Yeah, the sound effects are about as pathetic as Billy's dick-- ow! -- so we're adding in our own."
"You should have stopped by a couple hours ago when Viggo was with us. He's got the best porn voice, but now he's off in the tub doing who knows what to who knows who."
"No team loyalty, that guy."
"None whatsoever."
"Who goes off to have hot, wet sex when he could be hanging out with friends instead?"
"How are your sex voices? Wanna join in? If Dom stops hogging all the space, there's room for you."
Jensen and Jared exchange glances. Jensen says, "This seems reasonably safe." Jared says, "Exactly. Let's go."
Jared grabs Jensen's arm again, this time leading him back out of the room. "Maybe another time, we've got exploring to do."
Room of Many Couches / Room of Only a Few Couches
Jensen closes his eyes as he tries to remember the floorplan. "Through here should be the room of--"
"Lemme guess: couches?"
"How did you--" Jensen opens his eyes. "Ah."
Before them is a room filled with, well, couches. Couches forming a semi-circle around a fireplace. Couches along the walls. Couches facing the walls to give a bit more privacy. Off to the right, there are a few steps up to another room with even more couches. The place looked like a furniture depot, although most of the furniture stores Jensen has been in had substantially fewer men making out.
"We could hang out here for a bit. Relax before heading upstairs," Jensen offers.
Jared scoffs. "I don't think there's a free couch anywhere."
"Sure there is; right over..." Jensen trails off as he examines the room more closely.
In one corner, bobbing up and down over the back of a couch, is the back of a head that Jensen thinks could belong to Jason Dohring. Zachary Levi and Matthew Bomer have their hands up each other's shirts, fingers exploring, on the next couch over. By the fireplace, Jude Law and Ewan McGregor are grinding frantically and Jensen wonders how strictly the 'no nudity on the main floor' is enforced because it certainly looks as though both have their pants pushed down to their calves. Jensen doesn't recognize anyone on the next few couches. No, wait, he knows Jack Davenport, but not the young blond whose head was in his lap. Wait, was that the guy who played Draco Malfoy?
"Okay, maybe there isn't a spot here," he admits.
"Onwards and upwards," replies Jared.
SECOND FLOOR
Roller Derby Suite
Jared makes it to the next room before Jensen's even finished climbing up the stairs.
He opens the door to absolute chaos.
"Holy crap, it's a Stargate Deathmatch!" He gets a little tingly.
The entire room is a roller rink, with padding on the walls. It's Flanigan, Momoa and Hewlett in blue, versus Judge, Shanks and Browder in green. They're all on roller skates and padded to the gills. Team Atlantis has wings on their helmets, while Team SG-1 has flames.
"Cool."
Jensen finally shows up right when they clash together. "Wow! Ouch. I don't want to do this."
"Me either, but it's fun to watch."
Hewlett goes down first, clutching his knee, but Shanks isn't far behind him. And then it really is a match to the death. Or may as well be. They're all going to be very bruised tomorrow.
Two minutes later Joe and Jason are doing a victory lap while the others groan. They were a little outmatched in the brawn department, but Joe's a sneaky one.
David limps over to the door and leans against the frame. "Can you hand me that bag?" He points to a red duffel bag leaning against the wall in the hallway. "I need my camera."
Jared hands over the bag. "What did you guys win?" he asks.
David grins maniacally. "Anything we want!" he says with glee.
Disco Suite
There's a sign-up sheet on the door. Every slot has been filled. Jensen starts to peek at the names, but a sudden loud thump from the room makes them both jump back.
They move on.
007 Suite
They walk in on a game of strip poker. There's a large felt table in the center of the room and around it are: David Anders, Nicolas Lea, Jeffrey Donovan, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. All of them are half-dressed, except for Ben who has nothing left but a sock and a smile.
"Come on in!" He gestures them over. "Wanna get in on the next hand?"
"How much to get started?" Jensen eyes the chips on the table.
"You ever play a spy? Secret agent?" David asks.
"Nope."
Ben glances over at Matt. "Well, there's a bit of an entrance fee, in that case."
"That's right." Nicolas adds with a sly grin. "You have to jack each other off, while we watch." Everyone around the table murmurs in agreement.
"Those are the rules of the 007 room," adds Jeffrey.
Matt says something under his breath that makes Ben sigh. "Matty, why would they name it the Bourne room? Don't be such a bitch. None of the rest of us are complaining."
Matt just grumbles and glares at the cards in his hand.
"So, you in? Out?" Ben rubs his arms for warmth.
"Out!" Jensen's already through the door, pulling Jared along with him.
But Jared isn't so quick to leave. "Maybe we'll be back," he says, with a parting wave.
Fairytale Suite
The carpet in front of the door is liberally covered with pink glitter. Jared scowls and tries to wipe it off his shoes and onto Jensen.
"Hey! Stop!" Jensen is trying to read the sign. The print is small. "Oh, by invite only. Should have taken Anderson up on that, huh?"
"Absolutely not."
Jared never does get all the glitter off of those shoes. He doesn't want to imagine the other places it could have gotten in or on if they had been invited.
The Tub
There's a picture of a rubber duckie on the door and a cloud of fragrant steam billows out when they enter.
Jensen stops just inside. "I don't know if I want to go in here," he whispers.
"You scared of a little water, kitty cat?" Jared smacks Jensen on the ass and drags him in. "Quit being so weird."
"Not a pussy," Jensen mutters under his breath. "I just don't want to get wet."
It is exactly as advertised. There's one huge claw-footed tub right smack dab in the middle of the room. It looks like it could easily fit ten or more people, but currently there are only five relaxing in it. The steam shrouds their features; all Jared can make out is hair and skin. Lots of skin.
"Shut the damn door!" someone bellows and Jared complies. The voice is familiar. "Sorry!" he says. "We'll just go."
"See! I knew we shouldn't have come in here." Jensen's already got his hand on the doorknob.
"Jared? Jen?"
"Kane? What the hell are you doing here?" Jensen forgets his trepidation and moves closer to the tub. Jared follows.
"Hey, man, just relaxing." His grin is very large and very stoned.
"I thought you were playing tonight?" Jensen asks.
"Got cancelled. So I came here instead. Don't tell Boreanaz, I'm going to surprise him later."
"How come you never told me about this place?" Jensen looks a little put out. "I thought we were friends and dude, this is something you share with friends."
"Awwww. Don't be mad, baby. I give my invites out on a 'want to bang' basis only. And I've already been there, done that." Someone in the tub snickers. "Shut up, Mike."
"Rosenbaum!" Jensen's voice goes up an octave. Jared tries to remember where the door is.
"Hello, boys. Why don't you join us? There's plenty of room." He pats the water next to him. "Jared, you can sit here."
"I've got a loofah." Another voice heard from.
Jensen squints through the steam. "Who else is in there?" he asks.
"Oh, hey, let me introduce you guys." Mike picks up a toy boat and uses it to point out his fellow tubbers. "Starting from your left we have Mr. Johnny Depp, current Holder of the Loofah." Johnny brandishes it.
"Next to him we have Mr. Viggo Mortensen, our Kind Benefactor of Weed for the evening. It's very good shit." Viggo smiles lazily and holds out a half-smoked joint.
The boys both shake their heads. Viggo shrugs and leans back, his eyes heavy-lidded.
Mike continues, "Then there is...wait. Where'd he go?" Just then a dark head pops out of the space between Johnny and Viggo.
"Jesus, Orlando. We almost forgot about you! You could have drowned!"
Orlando shakes his head and laughs breathlessly. "Viggo knew where I was."
"Mr. Bloom, the Amazing Underwater Artiste." Everyone in the tub applauds.
"Then there's me and Chris, whom at least Jensen knows very well." Mike grins. "Sure you don't want to come in for a little while, Jared?"
Jensen grabs onto Jared's sleeve. "No, he doesn't."
"Okay then." Mike points his boat at the last man in the tub. "And then there's this guy."
He's lean with longish blond hair, and he puts out his hand to shake. "No one ever gets the last name right, it's cool. Just call me Alex."
Mike echoes him. "Alex Guy. Alex Dude. He's on that new vampire show. HBO. Righteous." Alex nods. "And these two boners are my very good friends, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki." Everyone applauds again. Except for Orlando, who has apparently decided to continue his good works under the water.
Johnny groans and drops the loofah.
Jensen squeaks.
The Dungeon
"And this is the dungeon."
The door creaks as Jared opens it.
The room is too dark to see inside. There's a crack of a whip and the sound of a muffled whimper.
The door creaks as Jared closes it.
"And that was the dungeon."
Toys and Lube Storage
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"Clearly my sex ed was lacking."
"Yeah."
"Where would you even put that?"
"If you ever find out, don't tell me."
"How about show you?"
Jensen lets out a particularly undignified noise.
Back out in the hall, they bump into Jack Davenport, out of breath, but apparently from jogging up stairs, not sex. "Have you seen Johnny and Orlando? They never wait for me!"
Jared points at the door to the tub room and Jack is half out of his clothes by the time he disappears from sight.
Cops and Robbers Suite
There's a jail cell in one corner of the room. They step in and right away see a young man with dark hair, lying face down on a bench inside the cell. He's completely bare from the waist down, asscheeks an alarming shade of red. He's handcuffed to the bench.
Jared rattles the bars while Jensen examines the assorted cuffs and water pistols lined up on a table next to the door.
The young man looks up at the noise.
"Hey, you're Daniel Radcliffe!" Jared exclaims. "Harry Potter! I love those movies, man. And the books are great too!"
Daniel shakes the cuffs and smiles. "Thanks. You guys didn't happen to see Rupert around, did you? He plays Ron. Red hair? Stupid git?"
"No, sorry." And Jared really is.
"Fuck." Daniel twists around until he's half sitting on the bench. He winces. "He took the keys." He looks like he's about to cry.
"That sucks." Jensen joins Jared by the bars. He's got a water pistol. "You thirsty? I could toss one of these in."
"That'd be fantastic. Thanks!" Daniel hits them with a big smile before going all over sad again. "And it was my turn to play sheriff, too."
Muppet Suite
Another room that has to be reserved. Jensen's kinda glad. He has no desire to learn what kind of freaky shit goes down in a muppet-themed room. Ever.
Superhero Suite
"Who did you tell?"
"Tell what?"
Jensen points at the picture of a pink-clad superhero on the door. "Who knows about the pink pleather?"
"Oh!" Jared lets out a snort. "No one, I promise. It does bear a remarkable resemblance though."
"Shut up. Let's go inside."
James Marsden is sprawled out on a chair, lazily stroking himself. The real sight, however, is the three naked guys wrestling on the floor.
James smiles when he notices Jensen and Jared, then returns to shaking his head bemusedly.
"We were all fooling around but somehow it turned into a debate over who made the better Superman," he says by way of explanation. His hand never skips a beat.
With that hint, Jared can just barely discern that the twisting blurs of flesh are Tom Welling, Brandon Routh, and Dean Cain.
"Hugh Jackman got bored and wandered off," James continues after a few moments, "but I can't say I mind the view."
Erotica Gallery
There's a large, open area ahead of them, a couple coffee tables set up surrounded by oversized lounge chairs. The whole thing looks wildly out of place on a floor consisting of sex suites.
John Glover waves them over. "We were wondering if you guys would ever show up here. And whether or not it would be together or separately."
"I had sometime this year and together," George Takei says. "I think that means I was closest. Pay up, boys."
John, Victor Garber, and David Hyde Pierce all reach for their wallets.
"What are you guys doing here?" Jared asks.
"Drinking coffee."
"Admiring the view."
"Collecting gossip fodder."
"Making sure no one trashes the place."
"Admiring the view."
"Remembering when these things were held in a tiny 3-bedroom house."
"Hanging on to spare keys for all the handcuffs and otherwise lockable items for the inevitable missing key or missing partner fiasco."
"Admiring the view."
Jensen gets the impression that they could go on for hours. "I think Radcliffe could use a little help. He's in a bit of a bind over in--"
"Cops and Robbers," John finishes for him. "We know who's where."
George opens up a cabinet built in to the wall and searches for the appropriate key. "This should be it. Who wants to--"
"I'll go!" David says, louder and more vehemently than he probably meant to.
John shakes his head at him. "Such a perv."
"A young man is in trouble and needs my help," David protests.
"A young, likely naked man," Victor mutters.
"That is completely irrelevant! Key, please."
David walks off, just about as quickly as possible while still technically being walking.
As their eyes follow him, Jensen and Jared spot someone else in the hall, off by himself, nose almost pressed to the wall.
"Jeff?"
Jeffrey Dean Morgan spins at his name. "Oh, hey guys. Just get here?"
"Nah, we've been here a while, wandering around," Jensen answers.
Jared has less inclination to be polite. "Since when do you know about this place? And why didn't you ever tell us? We had to hear about it from some guy from Wales, of all places, while our own castmate keeps this a secret from us?"
"Gareth? Yeah, that figures," Jeff snickers. "To be honest, I thought you guys knew. Actually, I heard that it was you two behind the cheesecake incident and I thought it best not to bring it up."
"We didn't know and we didn't... do... stuff... with cheesecake."
"Huh." Jeff shrugs. "Maybe it was Bean after all. Anyway, this place is a zoo. I can't keep track of who knows what when, but you're here now."
"What were you looking at?" Jensen asks.
Jeff leads them back to where he had been standing. "This painting. I'm trying to figure out if it's physically possible to do that to someone."
"It is if you brace your left hand against their hip," Jared muses without thinking.
Jeff raises an eyebrow at him. "I'll have to remember that." He spreads an arm out and gestures around. "All the paintings in the gallery, I've been working my way through them. The others were easy enough to figure out -- and try out -- but this one I've never been able to figure out. Left hand on hip..."
"That's what we told you, Jeff," John calls out down the hall.
"You told me against the wall and with rope, you bastard. I had bruises and rope burn for days, not to mention a guy who wouldn't call me back after that."
The group at the coffee burst into laughter. "I told you he'd actually try it! Cough up, guys."
This time it's George and Victor handing over some bills.
"Wrong key!" They hear David yell. "I think it's the set from the 007 suite."
George jumps back up to the cabinet and hands a key to Victor. "Your turn."
Shortly after he disappears, Victor yells, "We need the cell key too!"
John takes the next key.
"I think we might need the bolt cutters!"
George sighs. "Come on, Jeffrey. It sounds like this is going to take all of us."
Jeff slings the set of bolt cutters over his shoulder and waves to Jared and Jensen as he heads off with George.
"That was weird," Jared says.
"Very," Jensen agrees.
Now that it's quiet, they wander past more of the pictures on the walls. And turn red as they picture Jeff acting them out.
Veranda
"Okay, now for the third floor."
"Hold me!"
"Shut up."
As they head to the stairs, Jared notices some doors they hadn't noticed before. "What's out there?"
Jensen shrugs and turns mid-stride, cutting through the gallery. The doors take them outside to a veranda. It's cool, but not uncomfortably so, perfect weather for taking a breather outside. Which must be what others had in mind too.
David Boreanaz leans against the railing, cigarette in hand. Neil Patrick Harris is a few steps away, arms wrapped comfortably around someone Jensen and Jared don't recognize, but it's obvious the two didn't just meet tonight.
David grins at them. "Lots of old new faces joining us tonight. First Nathan--"
"Nate Corddry's here?" Jared asks excitedly.
David raises an eyebrow. "Fillion."
"Oh."
"I'll tell him your enthusiasm was overwhelming."
"No, he's okay, I just--"
Jensen cuts Jared off before he digs himself in deeper. "Fillion's great. Jared just has a bit of a crush on Corddry." He lowers his voice faux conspiratorially. "Something about him being all puppy dog adorable."
The veranda erupts into laughter.
"What?" Jared asks, sure that they're laughing at him, but without any idea why. He pouts when they all wave him off, but decides to stay quiet so he doesn't make it worse.
As they calm down, Jensen clues in to what David had said. "Fillion's here? Huh. I always had him pegged as straight. Flirty, with wandering hands, but straight."
David shrugs. "Ask him about alternate uses of on set supply closets some time," Neil offers. "Or, better yet, just make suggestive gestures at him next time you're at a panel or publicity shot or something together. I guarantee you've never heard such stammering."
"Maybe we should go track him down and say hi," Jensen tells Jared. He turns back to David. "Do you know where he is?"
"Oh, I think he's going to have his hands full tonight. Catch up with him some other time."
"Okay," says Jensen. "Hey, what are you doing out here? I would have thought the Great Boreanaz would be picking up left and right in a place like this."
"Nah, those days are behind me."
Neil snorts.
"Mostly behind me. I was hoping that Christian would be joining me, but he has a gig."
"It was cancelled. He's in--"
Jensen elbows Jared sharply. "We haven't seen him," Jensen says firmly, to Jared more than to David.
David pulls Jared away from Jensen and stares him down. "Where is he?"
Jared hesitates and looks to Jensen for help.
David puts his hands on Jared's shoulders. "Look, I know where you're ticklish and I know you can't hold anything back when you're being tickled."
Jared shoots Jensen another look, this time a 'how dare you' one. Jensen shrugs back. "Wasn't me."
"Worst kept secret, Jared. Everybody knows. Now talk." David wiggles his fingers in front of Jared's face.
"The tub. He's in the tub. But he's not hiding from you, he said he wanted to surprise you!"
"Yeah, surprise me after he's been off having fun on his own."
"Well, he wasn't on his-- ow!" Again, Jensen's elbow hits its mark too late to do any good.
David gives them all a quick nod then stalks back inside.
Jensen turns back to Neil and the guy he assumes is Neil's boyfriend, but finds they are not the slightest bit interested in making conversation at the moment. Not that they could if they wanted to -- mouths are definitely otherwise occupied.
"Come on," Jensen says, reaching for Jared. "Let's go."
THIRD FLOOR
Neutral Zone
"This place is crazy." Jensen's starting to look a little wild-eyed as they go up the stairs to the third floor.
"Well, we could always go back to the ice cream parlor." But Jared kind of hopes Jensen won't take him up on that, despite his longing for a double scoop of chocolate chocolate chip in a waffle cone. He's been half hard ever since the tub room.
"No, we're here. May as well get the whole experience, right?" They both nod and steel themselves for what lies in wait at the top of the stairs.
There's an older man sitting on a stool by a closed door. On the wall next to him are pegs with all kinds of costumes and props hanging off of them.
"Good evening, gentleman."
"Shit! That's Sir Ian McK--" Jared puts a hand over Jensen's mouth. "Hey," he says in return. "We're kind of new here. Are we allowed in, or is it by invitation only?"
"Oh! Everyone is welcome! Let me explain the rules. First you must pick one: ninjas, pirates, astronauts or cowboys." He waits patiently while they make their decision.
"Cowboys!" In unison.
"Wonderful! Then you will need these." Sir Ian plucks two cowboy hats off of the wall.
There's a sudden huge roar from outside.
"What the fuck?" Jared asks.
"That would be the auction." Ian smiles wisely at them. "I hear the main event this evening is Brad Pitt. I expect it will be a feeding frenzy. Would you prefer to join them, or shall I continue?"
Jensen shakes his head at Jared. "No, we'll stay here."
"Excellent. Now, as cowboys you are welcome to join the astronauts in the space cowboys sector, but you may not join the astronauts in their own suite. If you had chosen pirates, the same rule would be in effect as they may join the astronauts in the space pirates sector, but again not in the astronauts suite itself. Astronauts may go into both of those sectors as well, but cannot enter the pirates suite or the cowboys suite. I, myself, prefer being an astronaut, more options. In fact," he checks his watch, "my replacement will be here momentarily and I shall be joining their ranks."
Jared clears his throat. 'What about the ninjas, sir?" Jensen just stares.
"Oh! Ninjas are very selective, they do not mix. Of course one may occasionally find a ninja in the neutral zone, but I have only seen that happen once before. It's very unusual. The neutral zone is for everybody, and as cowboys will be your only chance at a pirate. They're not nearly as picky. There are plenty of condoms and lube provided, and showers as well."
They all hear footsteps coming up from behind. "Ah! There he is! Good evening, Mr. Alan Cumming! Right on time! I was just about to send these young men on their very first quest." Sir Ian opens the door. "Play safe and good luck!"
"And watch out for the room of balls!" Alan adds.
"Oh, quite right. Nasty things in there."
Jared turns to Jensen. "No matter what," Jared starts. Jensen grabs Jared's hand. "We'll always have each other," Jensen finishes. "No," Jared says. "No matter what, we can always leave if it gets too weird."
They take a deep breath and enter the unknown.
There's a room on the third floor that is STRICTLY OFF-LIMITS. It doesn't even have a lock, but rather a keypad. The combination known to only a select few. No one has ever been seen entering or exiting the room. Speculation is rampant. The select few never talk about it.
The gay masses would be surprised if they ever stepped foot inside. There's absolutely nothing kinky or outrageous in there at all. Well, except for maybe the man kneeling in the corner. He's currently stripped to the skin, wearing only a harness, a cock ring and a ball gag, hands tied behind his back.
That might be a little kinky.
*****
A lighter flicks and sparks to life. A cigar is held steadily over the flame. Ice cubes are carefully placed one by one into tumblers. The good scotch is poured.
"This place is amazing." John settles back into the leather sofa and gratefully accepts the drink.
"Yeah. It's taken a few years to get it just right, but I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out." George puffs on his cigar. "Sure you don't want one?" He holds it out.
"Oh, no, this is just fine. Thank you." John can't stop smiling. "Can I try my hand with the remote?"
"Sure, be my guest." George settles into the chair next to him and puts his feet up.
The large screen television on the wall before them flickers as John goes from room to room. "Here we go." He stops when he reaches the scene he wants. It's one of the couch rooms and despite the rules, there's plenty of skin to be seen. "Do you tape it? Or just watch it live?"
George shrugs. "Some of both. Depends on my mood. But nothing leaves this room." It's a warning of sorts, but so kindly spoken that John doesn't take offense.
"Are we being taped?" He looks for hidden cameras.
"What do you think?" George flashes him a grin.
"Why, I do declare. Clooney, my good man, do you have designs on little ol' me?"
George laughs heartily and takes a sip of his drink. "At this point, Barrowman, you're pretty much the only uncharted territory in the place and that's a damn shame."
"That one in the red shirt?" John points.
"Oh, yes."
"Him?" This one is in blue.
"Wanted to call me Daddy."
John laughs.
Channel after channel, room after room. Occasionally they even come across one John's been with. He's not as big of a whore as everyone thinks. Really. They compare notes.
One encounter in particular has them both smiling. The two men are obviously post-coital, wrapped in the sheets and each other. The darker haired man looks like he just won the lottery. He says something to the other man and they kiss sweetly.
John studies the remote. "How do you--"
"The green button will turn off the camera. Looks like love, doesn't it? This place has all kinds of rewards."
There's silence as they finally reach the neutral zone on the orgy floor.
"That's incredible!" John exclaims at the two figures in cowboy hats. He zooms in. "Who are they?"
George squints and shakes his head. "No idea. Must be new."
A muffled noise comes from the corner.
"What's that? Gareth? Did you say something?"
Another muffled noise.
"That won't do. Come here." John snaps his fingers and points to the floor next to him.
Gareth shuffles over on his knees and John carefully undoes the ball gag.
"I invited them," Gareth manages to gasp.
"What a good boy!" John is pleased. "And just for that, I'll let you pick whose cock to suck first." He pats Gareth on the head. "And maybe, if you do a good job, I'll fuck you while George here fucks me. What do you say, George?"
"Sounds like a plan and a half." He eyes Gareth's eager-to-please expression. "And I'd say you're training him very well."
John smiles. "He likes to try new things."
"How about a refill on that drink?"
"Sure, why not? We've got the whole night ahead of us."