Never is a Promise (Bellatrix/Lily)
Title: Never Is A Promise
Author: Quid Snidget
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Lily/Bellatrix
Summary: Bellatrix and Lily try to say goodbye for the last time.
Author Notes: I haven't posted anything in a while, I guess I was feeling masochistic when I wrote this.
Never is a Promise
By: Quid Snidget
“You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colours richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you.
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you.
You say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.”
~Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
She isn’t as surprised as I’d hope she would be. She opens the door and a dark look flashes across her face before she attempts to hide it with a smile, “Bella.” The smile is false and I can see through it like glass.
I stare at her, into her eyes. I was sure that pregnancy, marriage, and her altogether boring life would rob her of beauty. I am beyond dismayed to see that it hasn’t.
She crosses her arms and leans against the frame of the door. “What are you doing here?” She looks content guarding the entrance to her perfect little house, her perfect little life, and her perfect little family. I struggle hard not to let my frustration leak through, she was always so much better at hiding the pain than I ever was.
It takes me a moment to realize that she is still waiting for an answer. “I need to talk to you.” I say and glance around to see if there is anybody listening. Her neighbours are just as boring and ordinary as she’s become and they’re not paying any attention to us.
“Then talk.” She says slowly, deliberately testing my patience. I’m secretly pleased to note that her tone is similar to what I remember from school.
I smirk and lower my voice, “You really want me to say what I have to say, out here?” I move my eyes over her neighbours again.
I can tell she wants to win this argument, but we both know there’s no way. She will have to invite me into her home. She hesitates for a long moment before rolling her eyes and turning back into her house, leaving the door open for me to follow.
My stomach does a strange sort of turn as we walk past all the happy family portraits. “So… your husband not at home?”
She doesn’t turn to look at me as she guides me through the house to the tearoom. “At work.” She says and picks up a baby blanket from the floor. She drapes it over the arm of a couch and motions for me to sit down.
Reluctantly, I pull out a chair and sit. She sits away from me, on the couch and studies me. I wish I could read her thoughts. My chest aches with memory.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” She asks.
“What, no small talk? No, ‘how are you doing, Bella’?” I am incredibly annoyed at her business-minded attitude and still immensely disappointed that my appearance hasn’t shaken her up as much as I had hoped.
She is losing her patience with me and I feel smug knowing it. “How are you Bellatrix?” She says, I can tell she doesn’t care.
“Fantastic.” I say darkly and I glare.
She shakes her head, seemingly fed up with me. She leaves the room and I can hear her putting the tea on.
I take advantage of her absence to study the room. It’s boring, like everything else. It’s beige and blue with pictures covering the walls. I stand up to look them over; they’re mostly of her son. A few of her and her husband and a couple more of their friends. I feel disgusted at how quaint her life turned out. Is there any semblance of the girl I knew from school? Had she really traded her fiery passions in for this plain old lifestyle?
She comes back into the room with a tray of boring teacups and a boring kettle. The pseudo-muggle lifestyle they lived didn’t leave room for anything remotely interesting; I was tired just being there.
“Three sugars, right?” She asks and I don’t answer. She dumps them in then thrusts the cup into my hands.
I can’t resist and I say, “So… is this it?”
She narrows her eyes. “Is what it?”
“This… this is your life now?” I snort derisively.
Her lips twitches and she gives me that infuriating smile again, “Yes.”
“And you are really happy here? In this stupid little town? In this pathetic little house? With your fucking little family-”
She practically throws her cup to the table and gets to her feet. I almost regret saying anything as her green eyes ignite. “I can handle anything you dish out,” She spits, and I know this is true. “But you will not insult my family in my own home!”
I gulp a mouthful of tea and keep my eyes levelled with hers. I don’t say anymore and she eventually sits back down and wipes up the spill from her teacup.
I quietly move back to my chair and put my teacup on the table.
“What do you want, Bellatrix?” She says quietly and doesn’t look up to meet my eyes.
I can’t seem to think of the words I need to say so I stare at her as she busies herself with more tea. I note the slight shake in her hand as she drops a cube of sugar into her cup, she still won’t look at me. The thought doesn’t really cross my mind to wonder what I’m doing before I grab her hand and kiss it.
She pulls away quickly and stares into her teacup. “Don’t.” Is all she says.
I feel a tearing in my chest and swallow a lump in my throat. I laugh. Loudly. I keep laughing even when she finally looks up to glare at me. I laugh even louder when she stands up, walks over to my chair, and slaps me.
I see her eyes grow glossy and that effectively shuts up me. I fucking hate it when she cries.
I stand up too and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Don’t you dare cry.” I say and my tone isn’t kind.
“I’m not going to.” She says just as harshly, and I believe her.
I can’t seem to help myself and I bring her to my lips. She lets me kiss her for a long moment before lightly shoving me away. “Is this why you came here?” She asks, her voice is uneven and her honest eyes make me feel like shit.
“No.” I admit and I know the time for fucking around is passed. “The Dark Lord put me in charge of one of the groups being sent to find you.”
I see shock in her features that give way to fear and then to understanding and sadness.
“You’re being sent to kill me?” She says quietly and looks as confused as I feel.
“You and your family.” I say just as quietly.
“Then what are you-”
“You need to get away from here.” I say. As far as I know, I’m the only Deatheater who knows where she is.
She closes her eyes for a moment to clear her head and when she opens them I see a new emotion in her eyes, determination.
“You can’t fight this.” I say. “You can’t fight him.”
“I have already.” She reminds me. “A few times.”
“And every time you just barely escaped!” I tell her. “If he gets your location, you won’t be able to slip away this time!”
“You’re not going to tell him.” She points out.
I give an annoyed sigh. “No, but that doesn’t mean the others won’t find you.” I speak slowly, as if to a child and I can tell it’s pissing her off.
“Don’t act like you’re doing me some big favour by telling me this,” She says angrily. “We already know he’s after us and we already have a plan.”
I’m relieved but more than relieved, I am angry that someone else had gotten the information to her before me. Did they have a spy? Why isn’t she fucking grateful that I am telling her this!
“What?” I say.
“I can’t tell you anything, but we already know Voldemort’s plan.”
I feel a strange shift in loyalty and demand to know how.
“I’m not telling you anything.” She repeats and I know nothing short of brutal torture will get her to reveal her secrets. Too bad she is the only person in the world I could never stand to harm.
I feel incredibly useless suddenly. Lily had moved on with her life and moved past everything I was still struggling with. How did she achieve closure without me? How did she just put me aside so easily and here I was, pining and burning for her?
She senses my inner turmoil and slowly she reaches a hand out to stoke my cheek. I get up the courage to look her in the eyes and though I fear having my emotions read by her, a masochistic twinge longs for it.
I watch as her eyes cloud with what I want most to see. My heart clenches painfully as I recognize the aching in her eyes. It matches the torment I feel where she scarred part of my soul.
“James won’t be home for a while.” She says softly. “Why don’t you stay a little longer?”
The words aren’t meant to be taken innocently. I feel enormously smug at the uncovering of pieces of her old self. I can practically see the pieces of the savagely passionate Lily shining through… but I know what she is trying to do.
It’s a game we used to play, I remember it perfectly. She tempts me within an inch of my sanity and when I claim her she gets to pretend it’s all my fault. She gets to remain innocent because I could never prove that it was all her idea. I would be the villain and she would try to fight me and lose. She could deny me and have me at the same time. I would never tell her how much it hurt.
Why did it always have to be me chasing after her? God damn it, what I wouldn’t give to have her, just once, risk everything for me. Just once, why couldn’t she make the first move? I take her hand again and kiss it. I can feel the coolness of her wedding band against my lips and I drop her hand as if it’s pained me. It has.
“I need to go.” I say and I try not to notice the confusion and hurt in her eyes. I have never once denied her anything, until today.
“But-” She says slowly. Wondering maybe if I’d missed her hidden meanings.
“I need to go.” I say again and avoid touching her as I pass.
I make my way back to the front door and I can hear her following me down the hall. “Wait.” She says softly and damn it all, I do. I try to convince myself to walk the five more steps to the door, but I’m rooted to the spot by her voice.
“Please.” She says, we both know this is likely the last time we’ll see each other.
Her plea sends shivers down my spine, in all the years I’d known her, she never begged me or anyone for anything.
My mind screams at me to stop as I turn to her, I knew that all of this was my own fault. Why couldn’t I have just swallowed my pride and been disowned like Andromeda and Sirius? Why was I so afraid of losing my status, my inheritance, my reputation? Why couldn’t the one thing I was afraid of losing, be her? So many questions blurred through my mind, I knew that there was no way to find answers for them all.
But there was one question that was burned into my mind. One question I could not leave without asking. “Why?” I asked as nicely as I could stand. “Why did you leave me for him?”
She looked confused, shocked even. “What?”
“Why did you chose him over me?” I needed to know.
She took a step back, as if I was being completely lunatic. Was I?
“I…” She said, seemingly unable to comprehend what I was asking. “I never… I didn’t!”
“What?” I asked, completely pissed off. “You just fucked off and married him without saying anything to me!”
“You chose first!” She cried, her eyes shimmering. Fuck, I hate it when she cries.
Now I was the one confused, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You chose Voldemort over me. You let him brand you behind my back! Did you honestly think a relationship could work while we were fighting on opposite sides of a war?”
I was shocked. I had never thought of it that way. “I was trying to protect you!”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” She growled. “You were a fucking coward.”
I bit my lip before I replied with something I could never take back. My eyes burn and for a moment she blurs before me.
I started giggling. Everything was so stupid all of a sudden. Everything was ridiculous and my fault. Everything was unbelievably idiotic, had I really spent all this time hating her for something I had done to myself? I laughed louder and felt the burning sensation at my eyes escape down my face. A baby started crying somewhere inside the house and it only made me laugh even harder.
I woke up in my bed. I don’t recall how I got home, what was said, or what happened after I’d fallen to the floor in hysterics. There was a mark just below my neck that hadn’t been there before and looked suspiciously like a hickey. Had she Obliviated my memory? The devil! Had she put something in my tea?
I nursed what felt like a hangover from too much ale and stumbled my way to the kitchen for coffee or water. On the table was an envelope with my name scrawled across it in crimson ink. Bella. It was her handwriting; I ripped it open to find it empty except for a ring that fell to the floor. I’d given it to her what felt like a thousand years ago. As it rolled to a stop by my foot, I couldn’t bear to pick it up.
It was a promise, of that I was sure. But of what, I never knew.
A/N: Lily’s POV
“You’ll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown - to you.
You’ll say don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.
You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie.”
/Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
Author: Quid Snidget
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Lily/Bellatrix
Summary: Bellatrix and Lily try to say goodbye for the last time.
Author Notes: I haven't posted anything in a while, I guess I was feeling masochistic when I wrote this.
Never is a Promise
By: Quid Snidget
“You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colours richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you.
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you.
You say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.”
~Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
She isn’t as surprised as I’d hope she would be. She opens the door and a dark look flashes across her face before she attempts to hide it with a smile, “Bella.” The smile is false and I can see through it like glass.
I stare at her, into her eyes. I was sure that pregnancy, marriage, and her altogether boring life would rob her of beauty. I am beyond dismayed to see that it hasn’t.
She crosses her arms and leans against the frame of the door. “What are you doing here?” She looks content guarding the entrance to her perfect little house, her perfect little life, and her perfect little family. I struggle hard not to let my frustration leak through, she was always so much better at hiding the pain than I ever was.
It takes me a moment to realize that she is still waiting for an answer. “I need to talk to you.” I say and glance around to see if there is anybody listening. Her neighbours are just as boring and ordinary as she’s become and they’re not paying any attention to us.
“Then talk.” She says slowly, deliberately testing my patience. I’m secretly pleased to note that her tone is similar to what I remember from school.
I smirk and lower my voice, “You really want me to say what I have to say, out here?” I move my eyes over her neighbours again.
I can tell she wants to win this argument, but we both know there’s no way. She will have to invite me into her home. She hesitates for a long moment before rolling her eyes and turning back into her house, leaving the door open for me to follow.
My stomach does a strange sort of turn as we walk past all the happy family portraits. “So… your husband not at home?”
She doesn’t turn to look at me as she guides me through the house to the tearoom. “At work.” She says and picks up a baby blanket from the floor. She drapes it over the arm of a couch and motions for me to sit down.
Reluctantly, I pull out a chair and sit. She sits away from me, on the couch and studies me. I wish I could read her thoughts. My chest aches with memory.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” She asks.
“What, no small talk? No, ‘how are you doing, Bella’?” I am incredibly annoyed at her business-minded attitude and still immensely disappointed that my appearance hasn’t shaken her up as much as I had hoped.
She is losing her patience with me and I feel smug knowing it. “How are you Bellatrix?” She says, I can tell she doesn’t care.
“Fantastic.” I say darkly and I glare.
She shakes her head, seemingly fed up with me. She leaves the room and I can hear her putting the tea on.
I take advantage of her absence to study the room. It’s boring, like everything else. It’s beige and blue with pictures covering the walls. I stand up to look them over; they’re mostly of her son. A few of her and her husband and a couple more of their friends. I feel disgusted at how quaint her life turned out. Is there any semblance of the girl I knew from school? Had she really traded her fiery passions in for this plain old lifestyle?
She comes back into the room with a tray of boring teacups and a boring kettle. The pseudo-muggle lifestyle they lived didn’t leave room for anything remotely interesting; I was tired just being there.
“Three sugars, right?” She asks and I don’t answer. She dumps them in then thrusts the cup into my hands.
I can’t resist and I say, “So… is this it?”
She narrows her eyes. “Is what it?”
“This… this is your life now?” I snort derisively.
Her lips twitches and she gives me that infuriating smile again, “Yes.”
“And you are really happy here? In this stupid little town? In this pathetic little house? With your fucking little family-”
She practically throws her cup to the table and gets to her feet. I almost regret saying anything as her green eyes ignite. “I can handle anything you dish out,” She spits, and I know this is true. “But you will not insult my family in my own home!”
I gulp a mouthful of tea and keep my eyes levelled with hers. I don’t say anymore and she eventually sits back down and wipes up the spill from her teacup.
I quietly move back to my chair and put my teacup on the table.
“What do you want, Bellatrix?” She says quietly and doesn’t look up to meet my eyes.
I can’t seem to think of the words I need to say so I stare at her as she busies herself with more tea. I note the slight shake in her hand as she drops a cube of sugar into her cup, she still won’t look at me. The thought doesn’t really cross my mind to wonder what I’m doing before I grab her hand and kiss it.
She pulls away quickly and stares into her teacup. “Don’t.” Is all she says.
I feel a tearing in my chest and swallow a lump in my throat. I laugh. Loudly. I keep laughing even when she finally looks up to glare at me. I laugh even louder when she stands up, walks over to my chair, and slaps me.
I see her eyes grow glossy and that effectively shuts up me. I fucking hate it when she cries.
I stand up too and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Don’t you dare cry.” I say and my tone isn’t kind.
“I’m not going to.” She says just as harshly, and I believe her.
I can’t seem to help myself and I bring her to my lips. She lets me kiss her for a long moment before lightly shoving me away. “Is this why you came here?” She asks, her voice is uneven and her honest eyes make me feel like shit.
“No.” I admit and I know the time for fucking around is passed. “The Dark Lord put me in charge of one of the groups being sent to find you.”
I see shock in her features that give way to fear and then to understanding and sadness.
“You’re being sent to kill me?” She says quietly and looks as confused as I feel.
“You and your family.” I say just as quietly.
“Then what are you-”
“You need to get away from here.” I say. As far as I know, I’m the only Deatheater who knows where she is.
She closes her eyes for a moment to clear her head and when she opens them I see a new emotion in her eyes, determination.
“You can’t fight this.” I say. “You can’t fight him.”
“I have already.” She reminds me. “A few times.”
“And every time you just barely escaped!” I tell her. “If he gets your location, you won’t be able to slip away this time!”
“You’re not going to tell him.” She points out.
I give an annoyed sigh. “No, but that doesn’t mean the others won’t find you.” I speak slowly, as if to a child and I can tell it’s pissing her off.
“Don’t act like you’re doing me some big favour by telling me this,” She says angrily. “We already know he’s after us and we already have a plan.”
I’m relieved but more than relieved, I am angry that someone else had gotten the information to her before me. Did they have a spy? Why isn’t she fucking grateful that I am telling her this!
“What?” I say.
“I can’t tell you anything, but we already know Voldemort’s plan.”
I feel a strange shift in loyalty and demand to know how.
“I’m not telling you anything.” She repeats and I know nothing short of brutal torture will get her to reveal her secrets. Too bad she is the only person in the world I could never stand to harm.
I feel incredibly useless suddenly. Lily had moved on with her life and moved past everything I was still struggling with. How did she achieve closure without me? How did she just put me aside so easily and here I was, pining and burning for her?
She senses my inner turmoil and slowly she reaches a hand out to stoke my cheek. I get up the courage to look her in the eyes and though I fear having my emotions read by her, a masochistic twinge longs for it.
I watch as her eyes cloud with what I want most to see. My heart clenches painfully as I recognize the aching in her eyes. It matches the torment I feel where she scarred part of my soul.
“James won’t be home for a while.” She says softly. “Why don’t you stay a little longer?”
The words aren’t meant to be taken innocently. I feel enormously smug at the uncovering of pieces of her old self. I can practically see the pieces of the savagely passionate Lily shining through… but I know what she is trying to do.
It’s a game we used to play, I remember it perfectly. She tempts me within an inch of my sanity and when I claim her she gets to pretend it’s all my fault. She gets to remain innocent because I could never prove that it was all her idea. I would be the villain and she would try to fight me and lose. She could deny me and have me at the same time. I would never tell her how much it hurt.
Why did it always have to be me chasing after her? God damn it, what I wouldn’t give to have her, just once, risk everything for me. Just once, why couldn’t she make the first move? I take her hand again and kiss it. I can feel the coolness of her wedding band against my lips and I drop her hand as if it’s pained me. It has.
“I need to go.” I say and I try not to notice the confusion and hurt in her eyes. I have never once denied her anything, until today.
“But-” She says slowly. Wondering maybe if I’d missed her hidden meanings.
“I need to go.” I say again and avoid touching her as I pass.
I make my way back to the front door and I can hear her following me down the hall. “Wait.” She says softly and damn it all, I do. I try to convince myself to walk the five more steps to the door, but I’m rooted to the spot by her voice.
“Please.” She says, we both know this is likely the last time we’ll see each other.
Her plea sends shivers down my spine, in all the years I’d known her, she never begged me or anyone for anything.
My mind screams at me to stop as I turn to her, I knew that all of this was my own fault. Why couldn’t I have just swallowed my pride and been disowned like Andromeda and Sirius? Why was I so afraid of losing my status, my inheritance, my reputation? Why couldn’t the one thing I was afraid of losing, be her? So many questions blurred through my mind, I knew that there was no way to find answers for them all.
But there was one question that was burned into my mind. One question I could not leave without asking. “Why?” I asked as nicely as I could stand. “Why did you leave me for him?”
She looked confused, shocked even. “What?”
“Why did you chose him over me?” I needed to know.
She took a step back, as if I was being completely lunatic. Was I?
“I…” She said, seemingly unable to comprehend what I was asking. “I never… I didn’t!”
“What?” I asked, completely pissed off. “You just fucked off and married him without saying anything to me!”
“You chose first!” She cried, her eyes shimmering. Fuck, I hate it when she cries.
Now I was the one confused, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You chose Voldemort over me. You let him brand you behind my back! Did you honestly think a relationship could work while we were fighting on opposite sides of a war?”
I was shocked. I had never thought of it that way. “I was trying to protect you!”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” She growled. “You were a fucking coward.”
I bit my lip before I replied with something I could never take back. My eyes burn and for a moment she blurs before me.
I started giggling. Everything was so stupid all of a sudden. Everything was ridiculous and my fault. Everything was unbelievably idiotic, had I really spent all this time hating her for something I had done to myself? I laughed louder and felt the burning sensation at my eyes escape down my face. A baby started crying somewhere inside the house and it only made me laugh even harder.
I woke up in my bed. I don’t recall how I got home, what was said, or what happened after I’d fallen to the floor in hysterics. There was a mark just below my neck that hadn’t been there before and looked suspiciously like a hickey. Had she Obliviated my memory? The devil! Had she put something in my tea?
I nursed what felt like a hangover from too much ale and stumbled my way to the kitchen for coffee or water. On the table was an envelope with my name scrawled across it in crimson ink. Bella. It was her handwriting; I ripped it open to find it empty except for a ring that fell to the floor. I’d given it to her what felt like a thousand years ago. As it rolled to a stop by my foot, I couldn’t bear to pick it up.
It was a promise, of that I was sure. But of what, I never knew.
A/N: Lily’s POV
“You’ll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown - to you.
You’ll say don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.
You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie.”
/Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”