(no subject)
okay...so...um...yaeh...i had an interesting 4 hour conversation with Tab. yesterday. every enlightening. now we both have BIG plans to look forward to. you just get to see yours come to fruition before i do. hehe.
ive realized that some of my closest friends are the people i see the least (soem i havent even met in person...TAB!) i havent seen Nick in a long time, but he'll always be my but chinned Prince Charming. i havent seen stacey in over a year, but we talk several times a week and i know every detail of her seedy love affairs (she's not having any). but even then, i get every detail because im her version of Dear Abby. but im cuter. and i tell it like it is. i've never steered her wrong and i never will. and she's done so much for me. and we have stayed close despite the distance. of course, there's aj. i see him every day now, but normally i only see him every few months. and we're obviously close. who else would i feed my homemade (from scratch) apple cobbler to? before even I had a BITE. then there's chris. i dont talk to him much, but i miss him and he's the greatest! and theres jeanne. i dont talk to her much at all during the school year, but when i see her we go right back to being the best of friends. the kind that can share a bed, a bathroom, and a chair. the kind that can tell each other ANYTHING and risk being teased only a little by the other one. the kind that KNOWS that whatever they say STAYS between them. gotta love that.then theres Dan. we are stuck like glue to each other during the school year, but during hte summer we talk 4 or 5 times and i expected it to fizzle out last summer...but God knows it didnt. he's still my wonderful playmate. hehe. he's so cute and fluffy. i need to play with his hair now...where is he? oh yeah, NEW YORK. like its more important than me. grr......and then theres tabitha. whom i havent met even once. we have a lot in common. and where i need advice, she's got it. and vice versa. i am her ***-*** guru (preceding words left out to protect the innocent). and she's got a man overseas now, so she'll be spilling all her advice when aj leaves. and telling me juicy details when her man gets back...hehehehe....yay...i love living vicariously through others....hehe
but yeah, why is it that my closest relationships are the ones i maintain online? i have really close relationships to begin with, of course. and i try to always be me, but it just seems like the ones i count on most are the ones who are there when i need them...and those are the ones online.
i have screwed up a few relationships, and ive lost a few friends along hte way. and no matter whether we say we've "forgiven" one another or how much we apologize, it'll never be like it was. i'll never go hang out until 5 am. when they all 4 go out together and im left at home, and they forget to invite me or they assume i wont be interested, it hurts. and when the other two are online for hours at a time and never message to see how im doing. and when i message them, they commit only to small talk and just get quiet after that. well. one. the other never replies. its not because we're angry or upset or whatever. its because its just not hte same. and im not sure how to get that trust back, that comeraderie. im not sure how to get back to the place where i can say. MOVIE NIGHT, MY PLACE. or i need someone to keep me entertained for a few hours because i cant sleep (yucky dreams, usually). i want to get to the point where i can walk up and go on in without knocking. those were the days of yore. and i want to be back there. before angry words were said, before moving away from each other caused us to be distant emotionally as well as physically. i know that at least half of the 6 people i am talking about are on my friends list, so that they can read it. the others, dont have livejournals (silly girls), but it'll get passed along eventualy. so i guess they at least know how i feel now. and they'll know which parts of that are about them. and im not really aimng for any change. i just wanted to say how i felt and that i regret falling away. and that i regret not being a part of their lives and them being a part of mine. and i know that things wont change, and they especially wont change over night or because of some post in an lj. but if it lets them know how i feel, then good. no matter how much we seem lik we're not really friends any more, i still love all of you. you guys all got me through some rough times. and i hope i helped you as much as you helped me. you guys are really some of hte most wonderful people i know. all of you. and whether our relationship ever changes for hte better, you guys have made an impact on me that will last a lifetime. your opinions, your experiences, the 15 hour conversations, the nights of drunkenness, the drinking out of the sexless guy's pants. all of it. its stuff im going to remember forever. its the kind of stuff that i hope to find in the friendships i make along the way to wherever im going. i miss you guys. and i get to see 2 of you very soon. we'll try to figure all this out then. maybe it'll get better then. maybe.
ok. i guess you've all had enough. most of you have probably stopped reading by now. sorry. just wanted to say what i was thinking/feeling. i got started thinking about it during a conversation with tabitha last night. and it just wouldnt get out of my head. now i hope it does. because its nobody's fault (or its everybody's fault...depending on how you look at it). no guilty party. no single assassin of relationships. no way to determine which relationships last forever without ever coming in to contact with the other person, and which relationships crumble at the first real adversity/misunderstanding. you cant predict it. but it makes like more interesting.
sorry. im done now. *puts hand over mouth*. i swear. im gone. message me if you wanna talk. ill be hanging around here all day. maybe clean out the fridge. and hoping aj gets off early.
bye
ive realized that some of my closest friends are the people i see the least (soem i havent even met in person...TAB!) i havent seen Nick in a long time, but he'll always be my but chinned Prince Charming. i havent seen stacey in over a year, but we talk several times a week and i know every detail of her seedy love affairs (she's not having any). but even then, i get every detail because im her version of Dear Abby. but im cuter. and i tell it like it is. i've never steered her wrong and i never will. and she's done so much for me. and we have stayed close despite the distance. of course, there's aj. i see him every day now, but normally i only see him every few months. and we're obviously close. who else would i feed my homemade (from scratch) apple cobbler to? before even I had a BITE. then there's chris. i dont talk to him much, but i miss him and he's the greatest! and theres jeanne. i dont talk to her much at all during the school year, but when i see her we go right back to being the best of friends. the kind that can share a bed, a bathroom, and a chair. the kind that can tell each other ANYTHING and risk being teased only a little by the other one. the kind that KNOWS that whatever they say STAYS between them. gotta love that.then theres Dan. we are stuck like glue to each other during the school year, but during hte summer we talk 4 or 5 times and i expected it to fizzle out last summer...but God knows it didnt. he's still my wonderful playmate. hehe. he's so cute and fluffy. i need to play with his hair now...where is he? oh yeah, NEW YORK. like its more important than me. grr......and then theres tabitha. whom i havent met even once. we have a lot in common. and where i need advice, she's got it. and vice versa. i am her ***-*** guru (preceding words left out to protect the innocent). and she's got a man overseas now, so she'll be spilling all her advice when aj leaves. and telling me juicy details when her man gets back...hehehehe....yay...i love living vicariously through others....hehe
but yeah, why is it that my closest relationships are the ones i maintain online? i have really close relationships to begin with, of course. and i try to always be me, but it just seems like the ones i count on most are the ones who are there when i need them...and those are the ones online.
i have screwed up a few relationships, and ive lost a few friends along hte way. and no matter whether we say we've "forgiven" one another or how much we apologize, it'll never be like it was. i'll never go hang out until 5 am. when they all 4 go out together and im left at home, and they forget to invite me or they assume i wont be interested, it hurts. and when the other two are online for hours at a time and never message to see how im doing. and when i message them, they commit only to small talk and just get quiet after that. well. one. the other never replies. its not because we're angry or upset or whatever. its because its just not hte same. and im not sure how to get that trust back, that comeraderie. im not sure how to get back to the place where i can say. MOVIE NIGHT, MY PLACE. or i need someone to keep me entertained for a few hours because i cant sleep (yucky dreams, usually). i want to get to the point where i can walk up and go on in without knocking. those were the days of yore. and i want to be back there. before angry words were said, before moving away from each other caused us to be distant emotionally as well as physically. i know that at least half of the 6 people i am talking about are on my friends list, so that they can read it. the others, dont have livejournals (silly girls), but it'll get passed along eventualy. so i guess they at least know how i feel now. and they'll know which parts of that are about them. and im not really aimng for any change. i just wanted to say how i felt and that i regret falling away. and that i regret not being a part of their lives and them being a part of mine. and i know that things wont change, and they especially wont change over night or because of some post in an lj. but if it lets them know how i feel, then good. no matter how much we seem lik we're not really friends any more, i still love all of you. you guys all got me through some rough times. and i hope i helped you as much as you helped me. you guys are really some of hte most wonderful people i know. all of you. and whether our relationship ever changes for hte better, you guys have made an impact on me that will last a lifetime. your opinions, your experiences, the 15 hour conversations, the nights of drunkenness, the drinking out of the sexless guy's pants. all of it. its stuff im going to remember forever. its the kind of stuff that i hope to find in the friendships i make along the way to wherever im going. i miss you guys. and i get to see 2 of you very soon. we'll try to figure all this out then. maybe it'll get better then. maybe.
ok. i guess you've all had enough. most of you have probably stopped reading by now. sorry. just wanted to say what i was thinking/feeling. i got started thinking about it during a conversation with tabitha last night. and it just wouldnt get out of my head. now i hope it does. because its nobody's fault (or its everybody's fault...depending on how you look at it). no guilty party. no single assassin of relationships. no way to determine which relationships last forever without ever coming in to contact with the other person, and which relationships crumble at the first real adversity/misunderstanding. you cant predict it. but it makes like more interesting.
sorry. im done now. *puts hand over mouth*. i swear. im gone. message me if you wanna talk. ill be hanging around here all day. maybe clean out the fridge. and hoping aj gets off early.
bye