"My dad died today"
It's a less striking title than "my dad killed himself today" and I think I will continue to grapple with the passive voice on this one. I haven't told many people so far but today I have been struggling with how open to be about it beyond the fact that I lost my father less than twelve hours ago.
There are literally maybe 3-5 people that could read it here though so I can be honest.
My dad has been struggling with depression for a long time. Without going into too much detail, he rose from being a farmer's son to the CEO of his own company. He was proud of that and when he lost his job he never really recovered. He suffered over the last couple of years. He went from being the man that mattered to someone that was overlooked by every potential employer he came into contact with. He wanted to give his family everything and when he lost his job he lost his purpose. He read motivational books, went to an unemployment support group, and kept pushing for new opportunities. They never materialized. What's so strange though is that he was still making plans for the future yesterday. He was setting up a schedule for the week. He was going to play golf next Friday. He was apparently going to buy me a washer and dryer this week. Last night he told my mom that he understood why some people "give up". She pressed him on it and he didn't really say much more. This morning he mentioned his plans to call back a potential employer that he hadn't heard from despite repeated attempts at contact. My mom told him that he shouldn't.
A couple of hours later he kissed her goodbye, got into his car, and drove to a nearby marina. He walked out into the woods and shot himself. He left his driver's license in his sock so that he could be easily identified by the police. Someone in the area said they heard a shot around 12:30. Presumably that's when he died.
Completely unaware, I left Durham around 1:15. I pulled into the driveway to find a police car and checked my phone to see missed calls and texts from my mother and sister. My mom went with the police to search for him and I stayed with my sister. I think it was the longest wait of my life, even though it was only about two hours. To be honest, I knew after the first hour that he was dead. The marina is a five minute drive from our house and my dad wasn't able to move very quickly toward the end of his life. They would have found him already. I knew for sure when my mom's car pulled back up to the house and I hadn't gotten a call.
My mom cried in my arms and said she was sorry. My sister joined us and then she went outside to cry by herself. I didn't cry. Not because I didn't want to. But because I have to be strong for them. I'm twenty-five and I'm the oldest living male in my family. I don't believe in the patriarchal tradition that a man has to lead the family but I do believe that I have to support the small family that I have left.
I feel so many different things right now. I can't even begin to process it all. I no longer have "parents", I just have mom. If I am fortunate enough to have children, they will never have known my father. I'll never get to go tubing with my dad driving the boat. He absolutely loved boats. That's why he picked the marina for the final moments of his life.
I'm not that angry with him, in part because my mom says that she isn't angry, but some of me wants to be. If my sister gets married someday she won't have someone to walk her down the aisle. Not because of some horrible unforeseen accident. But because the going got tough and he left.
I forgive him though. He loved me so much. And I loved him. And I can never tell him that again. He was always looking out for me. I just wish that I could hug him right now but I can't and I never will. Ever.
When I wake up tomorrow he'll be gone and I'll have to support my mom as people come to our house all day long. She is the strongest woman that I have ever met and I have been amazed by her grace and poise today. She's going to be alone now but I can't let her be alone.
Madeline has to try to finish her last year of school after this. He won't be there to see her graduate like he was for me.
My mom wants the memorial service to be a celebration of his life. I do too but it's just so hard when his life ended so quickly, so violently, and so alone. He really felt this morning like his circumstances were so hopeless that there was no coming back. I won't let that ever happen to me.
I don't know how to explain this to people. I haven't told many so far. Of the select few, only two know that it was a suicide. The others just know that "he died." Passive voice. Like it wasn't his choice. But it was and now we have to explain what he did to everyone else.
I'm not depressed but I am sad. More than anything else, I'm exhausted. I need to sleep if I can. But all things considered, we're all doing pretty well. None of us expected this today but we're still here and we're going to get through it. I just hope to have a better day tomorrow.
There are literally maybe 3-5 people that could read it here though so I can be honest.
My dad has been struggling with depression for a long time. Without going into too much detail, he rose from being a farmer's son to the CEO of his own company. He was proud of that and when he lost his job he never really recovered. He suffered over the last couple of years. He went from being the man that mattered to someone that was overlooked by every potential employer he came into contact with. He wanted to give his family everything and when he lost his job he lost his purpose. He read motivational books, went to an unemployment support group, and kept pushing for new opportunities. They never materialized. What's so strange though is that he was still making plans for the future yesterday. He was setting up a schedule for the week. He was going to play golf next Friday. He was apparently going to buy me a washer and dryer this week. Last night he told my mom that he understood why some people "give up". She pressed him on it and he didn't really say much more. This morning he mentioned his plans to call back a potential employer that he hadn't heard from despite repeated attempts at contact. My mom told him that he shouldn't.
A couple of hours later he kissed her goodbye, got into his car, and drove to a nearby marina. He walked out into the woods and shot himself. He left his driver's license in his sock so that he could be easily identified by the police. Someone in the area said they heard a shot around 12:30. Presumably that's when he died.
Completely unaware, I left Durham around 1:15. I pulled into the driveway to find a police car and checked my phone to see missed calls and texts from my mother and sister. My mom went with the police to search for him and I stayed with my sister. I think it was the longest wait of my life, even though it was only about two hours. To be honest, I knew after the first hour that he was dead. The marina is a five minute drive from our house and my dad wasn't able to move very quickly toward the end of his life. They would have found him already. I knew for sure when my mom's car pulled back up to the house and I hadn't gotten a call.
My mom cried in my arms and said she was sorry. My sister joined us and then she went outside to cry by herself. I didn't cry. Not because I didn't want to. But because I have to be strong for them. I'm twenty-five and I'm the oldest living male in my family. I don't believe in the patriarchal tradition that a man has to lead the family but I do believe that I have to support the small family that I have left.
I feel so many different things right now. I can't even begin to process it all. I no longer have "parents", I just have mom. If I am fortunate enough to have children, they will never have known my father. I'll never get to go tubing with my dad driving the boat. He absolutely loved boats. That's why he picked the marina for the final moments of his life.
I'm not that angry with him, in part because my mom says that she isn't angry, but some of me wants to be. If my sister gets married someday she won't have someone to walk her down the aisle. Not because of some horrible unforeseen accident. But because the going got tough and he left.
I forgive him though. He loved me so much. And I loved him. And I can never tell him that again. He was always looking out for me. I just wish that I could hug him right now but I can't and I never will. Ever.
When I wake up tomorrow he'll be gone and I'll have to support my mom as people come to our house all day long. She is the strongest woman that I have ever met and I have been amazed by her grace and poise today. She's going to be alone now but I can't let her be alone.
Madeline has to try to finish her last year of school after this. He won't be there to see her graduate like he was for me.
My mom wants the memorial service to be a celebration of his life. I do too but it's just so hard when his life ended so quickly, so violently, and so alone. He really felt this morning like his circumstances were so hopeless that there was no coming back. I won't let that ever happen to me.
I don't know how to explain this to people. I haven't told many so far. Of the select few, only two know that it was a suicide. The others just know that "he died." Passive voice. Like it wasn't his choice. But it was and now we have to explain what he did to everyone else.
I'm not depressed but I am sad. More than anything else, I'm exhausted. I need to sleep if I can. But all things considered, we're all doing pretty well. None of us expected this today but we're still here and we're going to get through it. I just hope to have a better day tomorrow.