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[quicksand_]

i'm writing a lot lately-- just not what i want, how i want. i always figured this would happen in college, but there are good things, too. i'm thinking more about plots and how characters develop and i think i'm getting better-- i think maybe, i understand a little bit more. it's just harder, now, because what if i can't make it come from that

Comments

[taintedsky]

I really like the story, I think it works. In some places it does seem a little wordy but in this case it works very well with the fable-esque tone that you've imployed. I would maybe consider using fewer adverbs/adjectives -- in some places it is very nice and you have a wonderful sound to your words but when I think it would ring out better if not every noun had a string of adjectives. Maybe in some places, to balance it out, instead of having an adjective and a noun/verb, have a noun/verb that embodies the adjective.

I really love the alliteration/consonance/assonance that prevails in this though, it makes the entire piece really melodious which works well, especially considering the type of story this is.

In some places death is not capitalized but is very much personified -- I would perhaps turn Death into a very living, almost sort of human, being, rather than jump between the concept and the being. It might work well to play around with the idea of Death as an indirect character that is intrinsically involved with the dynamics of the relationship between the king and the prophetess.

I liked the humour a lot, too, don't take it out!! I think it brings a lightness that makes the story easier to take in; without it, it might be a little too dark/morose/heavy.

A picky thing: the line "It was cold and brilliant like it's master." confused me because I'm not sure whether you mean to use the possessive its or if you mean "like it is master" in which case the tenses throw me off and I'm not quite sure what you mean.

I loved the concise conversation between the king and the girl. It was all a;jfdadsfj; emotion-inducing. Maybe I'm just a sap. No, but really, it was good. Honest.

Also, I'm kind of wondering how the king 'saw' she was blind? This is probably just me not knowing things but how can you tell if a person is blind? I'm pretty sure you could, and yet I don't know so I'm curious..

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I totally understand where you are coming from with regards to writing and how understanding makes it so much harder. Lately I have been writing again but after going through my first 'real' writing class/workshop, I'm noticing all these things I never noticed before and it's helpful because I know what I need to work on but so hard because I begin to wonder if I'm even capable of good work, really good work, because everything I write has all these little problems in it that I can't seem to fix. I really like your writing though, I think you're going places! :)

[quicksand_]

Yeah, I get a little too verbose sometimes. It's just that when I write it's like I can see everything; it plays like a movie in my head, and I'm trying to show the story that way-- every detail. I think I'll just comb through and take out the more awkward ones-- like 'cascade of fiery hair masking her face.' This is also where he sees that she's blind-- which, you know how sometimes blind people have cloudy eyes? Like, their pupils are milky, instead of black? Well, that's how he can tell she's blind-- no color. But maybe that wasn't communicated clearly enough?

I like the idea of Death as an indirect character. I kindof see him as a man with a sense of humor, and yet he's also aware of propriety and sentimentality. I mean, in that line of work, you would kindof half to-- taking yourself too seriously would be tormenting. I'll go through and capitalize appropriately.

"It was cold and brilliant like it's master." Meaning, the land was cold and brilliant just like the king. I hate possessive its. Is it "its" or "it's" or "its'" when it is possessive? Grammar, kill me now.

I felt badly killing off the king when he'd finally found love. Do you think the death scene is convincing? Is it plausible? I just feel like it played out too fast. I suppose in a short story, things have to rush; it's allowed and accepted. But, I don't know. I can't say what feels off about it.

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Thank you so much for actually reading over this. I appreciate constructive criticism like I appreciate sleeping in on Sundays. That is to say: So. Much. I've noticed that even though it's harder to write, I can see things more clearly. I feel like when I finally sit down for that novel, it will be right, you know? xx

[taintedsky]

haha, oh grammar! Yeah, I wondered if you meant the posessive, which would be its.

Your (indirect) character of Death is really rather wonderful because he is who he is and the sense of humour just makes him so interesting.

I think the death scene is convincing because of the type of story this is. I read it sort of as a grimms-type story, though a part of me wanted it to be more of a fairy tale because i'm a sappy little girl like that. Maybe, if possible, you could expand a little more in that short paragraph? Not quite sure what to say for this.