Justice Chief
Berk PD sure makes it hard to do a good deed.
I was walking from the library to the market to get bananas (cracked out hoodied 17-year-old dredlocked girl, dumpy Cal student guy staring at his phone, and hoity toity ponytailed girl in labia-translucent yoga pants all getting in my fast-walking way on the sidewalk) when I spotted an open wallet.
Lots of "DOTE! DAT! DOH!" old men around, lots of stoned skateboarders, and yet nobody saw me look around clutching my pearls as I picked up the black wallet full of credit and loyalty cards. I did not rifle through it, but I could see through a netted pocket a California ID. His name is JUSTICE CHIEF, and he looks like Mel Gibson before he came to the states. Minus the crazy racist look in the eyes.
The police HQ is right across from the park, so I head over hoping not to get caught in an SUV barricade of a student fee riot or something.
Totally confusing building. There's a sign repeated on the front door: "THIS OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FEBRUARY 13 AND FEBRUARY 19." All doors locked, nobody inside, and finally I see a tiny little sign around the corner directing me to the after hours door.
The after hours door is basically down an alley filled with sandbags, with a Japanese maple blocking all the security cameras. There are a ton of signs about how to use a non-existent toll-free phone. But what does exist is a tiny call box with a single red button.
I pushed the red button, and I got what sounded like a bro playing video games slightly annoyed that he had to press pause to take my call.
"Can I help you?"
"Umm ... I just found a wallet in the park across the street, and I'm at the after hours entrance ... "
"All right, I'll send someone down to get it."
The call box says, "WILL SHUT OFF AUTOMATICALLY," which is what I assumed happened after the busy signal buzzed for 2 minutes, followed by silence.
15 minutes later, the security camera probably shows me falling in and out of view, tapping my foot, waving at the lens, pressing the call box button repeatedly. It wasn't shut off from my first call - the green "answered" light was still on.
I had to look up the non-emergency line and call it on my phone. Same kind of answer, "Uh, yes?"
"Hi. I'm standing outside the police station. I'm waiting to turn in a wallet I found. I've kinda been out here a while."
"Yes, I see your call. Do you want to wait outside or sit inside?"
"Honestly? I just want to give you the wallet and go home!"
"I understand. Tell you what. Come inside and sit down."
Aaaaack!
I got buzzed in, and stood in a narrow white hallway by the "BAIL AND JAIL" window. I overheard a loud phone conversation coming from the other side of a heavy white door.
"Yeah, you know my process, I mean my mind set ... yeah, how she doing in school? Yeah, I see you next week."
A prisoner having her once a week call? It sounded like it. It also smelled like raspberry hooka smoke coming from her room. Awesome rights.
Finally, about 10 more minutes later, 7-foot tall stuffed sofa cop with gigantic smile comes out of another door. I almost asked, "Otis Huff? From James Monroe Elementary?" But then I remembered Otis Huff had a heart attack at age 20 because he was 400 lbs. I think.
"WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS? WHAT IS YOUR NAME? WHERE CAN WE CALL YOU AT? WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?"
I drew a diagram of the park in the air with my fingers, said the wallet was still warm when I found it (as in, like it was just in someone's ass pocket, and he replied, "FRESH DROP!"), and winced at the birthday question.
"I KNOW, I KNOW."
"Well, you know, I've had stuff stolen before ... "
"YES THANK YOU FOR COMING IN. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS FOR HIM TO CALL AND CAUSE A FRENZY SAYING IT WAS STOLEN WHEN REALLY HE JUST DROPPED IT." Premature eye roll.
My parting words:
"Isn't it weird that his name is Justice Chief? Did I just help a Supreme Court member? K bye I gotta go be neurotic about bananas now."
I was walking from the library to the market to get bananas (cracked out hoodied 17-year-old dredlocked girl, dumpy Cal student guy staring at his phone, and hoity toity ponytailed girl in labia-translucent yoga pants all getting in my fast-walking way on the sidewalk) when I spotted an open wallet.
Lots of "DOTE! DAT! DOH!" old men around, lots of stoned skateboarders, and yet nobody saw me look around clutching my pearls as I picked up the black wallet full of credit and loyalty cards. I did not rifle through it, but I could see through a netted pocket a California ID. His name is JUSTICE CHIEF, and he looks like Mel Gibson before he came to the states. Minus the crazy racist look in the eyes.
The police HQ is right across from the park, so I head over hoping not to get caught in an SUV barricade of a student fee riot or something.
Totally confusing building. There's a sign repeated on the front door: "THIS OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FEBRUARY 13 AND FEBRUARY 19." All doors locked, nobody inside, and finally I see a tiny little sign around the corner directing me to the after hours door.
The after hours door is basically down an alley filled with sandbags, with a Japanese maple blocking all the security cameras. There are a ton of signs about how to use a non-existent toll-free phone. But what does exist is a tiny call box with a single red button.
I pushed the red button, and I got what sounded like a bro playing video games slightly annoyed that he had to press pause to take my call.
"Can I help you?"
"Umm ... I just found a wallet in the park across the street, and I'm at the after hours entrance ... "
"All right, I'll send someone down to get it."
The call box says, "WILL SHUT OFF AUTOMATICALLY," which is what I assumed happened after the busy signal buzzed for 2 minutes, followed by silence.
15 minutes later, the security camera probably shows me falling in and out of view, tapping my foot, waving at the lens, pressing the call box button repeatedly. It wasn't shut off from my first call - the green "answered" light was still on.
I had to look up the non-emergency line and call it on my phone. Same kind of answer, "Uh, yes?"
"Hi. I'm standing outside the police station. I'm waiting to turn in a wallet I found. I've kinda been out here a while."
"Yes, I see your call. Do you want to wait outside or sit inside?"
"Honestly? I just want to give you the wallet and go home!"
"I understand. Tell you what. Come inside and sit down."
Aaaaack!
I got buzzed in, and stood in a narrow white hallway by the "BAIL AND JAIL" window. I overheard a loud phone conversation coming from the other side of a heavy white door.
"Yeah, you know my process, I mean my mind set ... yeah, how she doing in school? Yeah, I see you next week."
A prisoner having her once a week call? It sounded like it. It also smelled like raspberry hooka smoke coming from her room. Awesome rights.
Finally, about 10 more minutes later, 7-foot tall stuffed sofa cop with gigantic smile comes out of another door. I almost asked, "Otis Huff? From James Monroe Elementary?" But then I remembered Otis Huff had a heart attack at age 20 because he was 400 lbs. I think.
"WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS? WHAT IS YOUR NAME? WHERE CAN WE CALL YOU AT? WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?"
I drew a diagram of the park in the air with my fingers, said the wallet was still warm when I found it (as in, like it was just in someone's ass pocket, and he replied, "FRESH DROP!"), and winced at the birthday question.
"I KNOW, I KNOW."
"Well, you know, I've had stuff stolen before ... "
"YES THANK YOU FOR COMING IN. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS FOR HIM TO CALL AND CAUSE A FRENZY SAYING IT WAS STOLEN WHEN REALLY HE JUST DROPPED IT." Premature eye roll.
My parting words:
"Isn't it weird that his name is Justice Chief? Did I just help a Supreme Court member? K bye I gotta go be neurotic about bananas now."