[Reflection on Attachment]
[In the wake of the basement, after his discussion with Obi-Wan. Despite his words to his friend earlier, Qui-Gon is thoughtful; the entry is considerably personal compared to the others]
"Obi-Wan, my question is this: who exactly did you fight for when you struck him down?"
I asked you this. And you said you fought for the same person you fought for on Naboo.
This is the danger of attachment. These days, I am not so sure that attachment itself is such a forbidden thing, but it is dangerous with how you let it fuel your attacks. I don't ask you to shut me out of your life, but you must not place my life above others: it is not the Jedi way and while we will be tested out here on Earth, that sole thing mustn't change. To face the threat of Martin Landel, we must change our perceptions of what is right and wrong, but there are still many tenants of the Jedi Code that we must adhere to.
Someday I will have to speak to you about this. More than once, this issue of attachment has risen. Now I question if attachment of this nature is wrong. I felt it before, with Tahl, and I told myself never again. But then, it felt right, more right than anything else, and it feels the same with you. I was never a perfect Jedi: I strive to follow the path, but there are things I do not agree with, more so now than before. I didn't tell you all there was to tell about what happened between Tahl and myself on New Apsolon, although you knew I loved her. I confirmed that when you were eighteen. I told you then that with Tahl, I did not have time to examine our decision to share that kind of attachment before she was killed. Maybe we would have had to leave the Order, although my intention was to work something out. But after her death, looking back on what was, I thought I knew such a thing could never be. A Jedi in our current Order could not unconditionally love another being over others and I would always remain a Jedi...especially when Yoda warned of a great danger on the horizon.
It is here now. The Sith have re-emerged. Martin Landel has made his move. And you are still standing with the Jedi, Obi-Wan, as have I. Times have changed. We are different people, and I feel that the old Jedi Order may not have the ability to face these dual threats without some drastic changes. The galaxy is becoming something else, in a way none of us could have foreseen and so I have to reconsider things.
The love I had for Tahl was considered attachment. By the Jedi Council, it still is. But does attachment always lead to the Dark Side? I do not believe it to be so: life is not simply defined that things will always turn out the same. Love can be attachment...but it can also be mercy, compassion. What is of importance is how you use it, if you let your love for a specific person cloud your judgment. I told you the other day that I would have made the same choice as you. Thinking it over, I know that I have let it cloud mine and that it must be confronted, accepted for what it is instead of pushed away. Denying it, I realize, is not the Jedi way, at least not to me. It would shade the truth, twisting it into something it is not.
A choice is before me, Obi-Wan.
The question is if I will make it once more.
[Signed and dated]
Qui-Gon Jinn
OOC: will add one more entry before Qui-Gon vanished for hiatus. After that, everything's readable by Vlad and Obi-Wan, once he gets the journal.
"Obi-Wan, my question is this: who exactly did you fight for when you struck him down?"
I asked you this. And you said you fought for the same person you fought for on Naboo.
This is the danger of attachment. These days, I am not so sure that attachment itself is such a forbidden thing, but it is dangerous with how you let it fuel your attacks. I don't ask you to shut me out of your life, but you must not place my life above others: it is not the Jedi way and while we will be tested out here on Earth, that sole thing mustn't change. To face the threat of Martin Landel, we must change our perceptions of what is right and wrong, but there are still many tenants of the Jedi Code that we must adhere to.
Someday I will have to speak to you about this. More than once, this issue of attachment has risen. Now I question if attachment of this nature is wrong. I felt it before, with Tahl, and I told myself never again. But then, it felt right, more right than anything else, and it feels the same with you. I was never a perfect Jedi: I strive to follow the path, but there are things I do not agree with, more so now than before. I didn't tell you all there was to tell about what happened between Tahl and myself on New Apsolon, although you knew I loved her. I confirmed that when you were eighteen. I told you then that with Tahl, I did not have time to examine our decision to share that kind of attachment before she was killed. Maybe we would have had to leave the Order, although my intention was to work something out. But after her death, looking back on what was, I thought I knew such a thing could never be. A Jedi in our current Order could not unconditionally love another being over others and I would always remain a Jedi...especially when Yoda warned of a great danger on the horizon.
It is here now. The Sith have re-emerged. Martin Landel has made his move. And you are still standing with the Jedi, Obi-Wan, as have I. Times have changed. We are different people, and I feel that the old Jedi Order may not have the ability to face these dual threats without some drastic changes. The galaxy is becoming something else, in a way none of us could have foreseen and so I have to reconsider things.
The love I had for Tahl was considered attachment. By the Jedi Council, it still is. But does attachment always lead to the Dark Side? I do not believe it to be so: life is not simply defined that things will always turn out the same. Love can be attachment...but it can also be mercy, compassion. What is of importance is how you use it, if you let your love for a specific person cloud your judgment. I told you the other day that I would have made the same choice as you. Thinking it over, I know that I have let it cloud mine and that it must be confronted, accepted for what it is instead of pushed away. Denying it, I realize, is not the Jedi way, at least not to me. It would shade the truth, twisting it into something it is not.
A choice is before me, Obi-Wan.
The question is if I will make it once more.
[Signed and dated]
Qui-Gon Jinn
OOC: will add one more entry before Qui-Gon vanished for hiatus. After that, everything's readable by Vlad and Obi-Wan, once he gets the journal.