light and fluffy...like bricks of snow
So, I've been listening to a lot of Beth Orton and AFI. Some Platinum Weird, Crossfade, Full Blown Rose, and Seven Wiser. Interesting new sounds to which I'm exposing myself. Seriously, all I've listened to since...December...is Imogen Heap. She's so amazing, though. There is such an etheral quality to her music that can transport me out of any mood. Yes, I'm all about music these days. And coffee.
Let me just say that I don't personally care for Starbucks. I don't like big corporations and the local coffee places are generally a hell of a lot better and more accomodating. That said, I've been going to Starbucks frequently. Mostly because I've gotten tons of gift cards for nothing and partly because it's the one coffee shop that's not out of my way. They have *finally* gotten my order right...which isn't even my "normal" order...my favourite drink (because that is FAR too complicated and they don't even have the right ingredients. Ai. Caribou Coffee is the only coffee chain worth its existence, in my opinion). Anyway, I've been drinking a double soy hazelnut latte blended w/ ice -NOT a frappaccino. Unfortunately, it's still nowhere near the Honey Pot's coffee; but alas, my income does not yet take into consideration my vice.
Classes are going all right.. I'd been considering putting in an application at Antioch to transfer. I indirectly decided not to apply. There's a good chance that I didn't fill out the application because they rob people with the application fees and I'm afraid to get accepted and then find out I can't afford to attend (*cough*seattleu*cough*). Mentally, I've not yet resigned myself or psyched myself up for another two years at SLC and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to...same argument/sentiment as in previous ramblings. To be honest, at least thus far, this semester has been the most bearable. I like my jobs (all 3 of them) and there are some fun people in a couple of my classes. Also, I need to not diminish the fact that I have a lot of support from certain professors, without whom, I would not have lasted beyond my first year.
I suffer from "grass is greener" syndrome. I want what I don't have - in other words, I crave experiences. I don't want to settle myself into any situation because I want it all, at some point or another. However, I need to finish/continue down this path until I see another that feels right. It's called responsibility meets insufficient funds. Besides I have semi-decent health insurance which I haven't had since Mike was paying child support. Oh yeah. And he's been on my mind a lot.
Speaking of health insurance: I have had all of these introspective insights lately - and insights that actually seem useful. My anxiety has been at a peak this past week...so bad one night, as bad as it was last year. I decided it is time to attempt therapy...again. I contacted the place I looked into a year ago (but couldn't afford without insurance). I have an appointment with the therapist I was hoping for on Tuesday. As soon as I made the appointment, as usual, I immediately found myself with this feeling of "I don't need therapy; I can fix myself". I hate appearing weak. And yet it's dawned on me that I have dealt with (put myself through) a lot..but maybe these things weren't resolved below the surface. maybe these things are manifestations of a bigger problem. My mom's theory is that it takes a lot of energy to repress memories...and so with all of this going on beneath the surface, I needed some way to release some of this pain...thus all of the manifestations. And my breaking point for this anxiety disorder came with Dave's death. That was it, the one thing that made me crack, that broke through my threshold for life's cruel jokes. It crumbled my barricades and my coping ability. When I'm not in the middle of all these feelings and panic, it's really quite fascinating.
geez. you'd think i hadn't written in awhile.. I resolve to write a page every day, every year of the rest of my life. a sort of chronicle..watch for patterns to emerge.
Let me just say that I don't personally care for Starbucks. I don't like big corporations and the local coffee places are generally a hell of a lot better and more accomodating. That said, I've been going to Starbucks frequently. Mostly because I've gotten tons of gift cards for nothing and partly because it's the one coffee shop that's not out of my way. They have *finally* gotten my order right...which isn't even my "normal" order...my favourite drink (because that is FAR too complicated and they don't even have the right ingredients. Ai. Caribou Coffee is the only coffee chain worth its existence, in my opinion). Anyway, I've been drinking a double soy hazelnut latte blended w/ ice -NOT a frappaccino. Unfortunately, it's still nowhere near the Honey Pot's coffee; but alas, my income does not yet take into consideration my vice.
Classes are going all right.. I'd been considering putting in an application at Antioch to transfer. I indirectly decided not to apply. There's a good chance that I didn't fill out the application because they rob people with the application fees and I'm afraid to get accepted and then find out I can't afford to attend (*cough*seattleu*cough*). Mentally, I've not yet resigned myself or psyched myself up for another two years at SLC and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to...same argument/sentiment as in previous ramblings. To be honest, at least thus far, this semester has been the most bearable. I like my jobs (all 3 of them) and there are some fun people in a couple of my classes. Also, I need to not diminish the fact that I have a lot of support from certain professors, without whom, I would not have lasted beyond my first year.
I suffer from "grass is greener" syndrome. I want what I don't have - in other words, I crave experiences. I don't want to settle myself into any situation because I want it all, at some point or another. However, I need to finish/continue down this path until I see another that feels right. It's called responsibility meets insufficient funds. Besides I have semi-decent health insurance which I haven't had since Mike was paying child support. Oh yeah. And he's been on my mind a lot.
Speaking of health insurance: I have had all of these introspective insights lately - and insights that actually seem useful. My anxiety has been at a peak this past week...so bad one night, as bad as it was last year. I decided it is time to attempt therapy...again. I contacted the place I looked into a year ago (but couldn't afford without insurance). I have an appointment with the therapist I was hoping for on Tuesday. As soon as I made the appointment, as usual, I immediately found myself with this feeling of "I don't need therapy; I can fix myself". I hate appearing weak. And yet it's dawned on me that I have dealt with (put myself through) a lot..but maybe these things weren't resolved below the surface. maybe these things are manifestations of a bigger problem. My mom's theory is that it takes a lot of energy to repress memories...and so with all of this going on beneath the surface, I needed some way to release some of this pain...thus all of the manifestations. And my breaking point for this anxiety disorder came with Dave's death. That was it, the one thing that made me crack, that broke through my threshold for life's cruel jokes. It crumbled my barricades and my coping ability. When I'm not in the middle of all these feelings and panic, it's really quite fascinating.
geez. you'd think i hadn't written in awhile.. I resolve to write a page every day, every year of the rest of my life. a sort of chronicle..watch for patterns to emerge.