Driving feels so good...

[questiongal]

Why is it that one minute you can be so happy, then you look at one object, hear one song, or just look at yourself in the mirror and suddenly become sad, confused, angry, or utterly and completely lost? I don't know how it happens so quickly. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Well, I guess it really depends on the day. One morning I look at myself and think I am so gorgeous with my curled hair and my purple eyeshadow and feel like I could conquer the world. Other times, just walking by a mirror and glancing at myself in passing can be like seeing someone I don't even know. Someone whose hair just hangs there, just brown and blown out with too much volume (someone was a little blowdryer happy this morning!). Someone who doesn't recognize her own reflection, her own ambitions, her own personality. I feel like I I don't belong in my own body any more. And I hate feeling this way. I feel like I should write a book about my life. A detailed, fictionalized version of my life where all the events are real but the names have been changed to protect the innocent, that sort of thing. Some record that is all laid out, so I can look at it and figure it all out--how things are connected, how this event changed me, how it affected everything else after it. It's so hard to see your life in perspective when all these memories are crowded in our minds, elbowing to get to the front in order to make you happy or torture you or do both at the same time! Why are the happy memories the most toturous ones of all? Even when you ARE happy, the other happy memories from the past come back to haunt you, taunting, "Ha ha, I'm a happy memory! You can't ever relive me or ever be this happy again!!" Damn you, happy memories!! This is why I hate being happy. Because each time you're happy you can never be as happy as you were in that moment, because something happens that makes you more cynical or more unhappy or more wishful for more happiness. I mean, why should we ever create special moments or common things with other people, like a song or movie or a special place, when we know that someday it might be gone? They might be gone, out of our lives? The it just seems that the ones that mean the most to you are the ones that have the potential to hurt you the most-- sometimes they don't, but sometimes they do. So why take the chance? Why chance to be happy when it can all be taken away? Because we like to torture ourselves? Because we know that it's the right thing to do? Because we know that if we do find that one thing, occupation, or person that makes us happy and never leaves, that we will be happy for our entire lives on earth?

Don't answer my questions with some philisophical response that will only make me feel bad about myself. I already feel bad enough about writing this stuff. I've been happy, I've been fine, but all of a sudden, these thoughts come rushing back when I walk past that extra-long mirror in the community bathroom in that ugly yellow light.