East of Eden
me mad my dad just finished watching that movie and i dont know if you have read teh book or seen the movie but it is sopposed to be a 1940's version of kain and able. around hte middle of hte movie my dad made a referance to me as Kain. i guess it is true in a way i am highly differnet from my brother he was perfict to my father and it was my mother who knew he wasnt perfict. my dad loved him wiht all his heart and me well he loves but am not seth so i am not good enough. i didnt kill seth like Kain killed able but he is dead and i am alive and once along time ago i had wished it so. i wish i had never said those words if i could back t ochange it i would. i am beginging to think that texas and the pain i live with hear is my nod and my banishment to east of eden. the movie prtrays a character that in some ways reminds me of me. the boy cal who represents kain has a sometimes dark and brooding mind and a want to be loved but also an evil side that gets teh better of him. he relates strongly to his mother and is distanced from his father. his brother can do no wrong in the fathers eyes while he can do no right. i understand this i empithise with it becaouse i have felt it. this morning i woke up at 1200 my dad came home at 1205 and started yelling at me about all the chores he had to do and i didnt even get to say goodmorning to him. not a word but when did you get up and what have you done? i didnt get to eat anything he just started yelling at me i was still drouwsy from sleep. i couldnt stand up formyslf i had to run. i ran left the house for a couple hours and sat on a park bench and cried and tried to streighten myself up whenever some one passed me. i guess i am kain. if taht even. i will forever be punished and will never be rewarded by my actions or my thoughts or my best efforts. i am a fighter but i am also a loser. i can not win i can only fall to darkens and rais to balnce only to fall again. i may never know what it is like t obe happy for more than a few moments in life.