October 1st
Being alone in an empty house is about the last thing in the world that I want to do right now, but here I am. When will I get over that fear? It's silly.
I'm "home" now (that is, I'm sitting in front my computer in Alli's room), but I don't think I've ever felt so deeply in limbo in my life. The strange thing is that I know exactly what I want, and I know more or less what I need to do to get it. I once heard that procrastination is really self-doubt rather than laziness, a perfectionist's inability to get something done for fear it won't be good enough. That pretty much epitomizes my present mindset. I think I'll feel different in the daylight, but for now I feel utterly inept and uncapable of accomplishing my goals. Honestly, how hard is it to put together a pristine college application, turn it in, get accepted where you want, finish undergrad with flying colors, get into a good grad school, get through grad school with flying colors, and land some kind of teaching position someplace great with the ultimate goal of tenure. That doesn't sound daunting at all does it?
I'm never quite sure how October 1st creeps up on me every year. And I'm not sure what it represents, except for the anniversary of a day that changed everything for me and my family. But for the most part it was a good day. I have the warmest sense of nostalgia connected with Halloween, I think because it's the only time communities traditionally interact with each other, the only time all adults take equal responsibility for all children as they should have in the first place. God, my life felt so safe up until that night. I suppose that's the real goal, to get myself in a position of giving that sense of safety to another child, and help them grow up strong. Not all self-reliant like me because I'm more of burden to myself than I think I realize.
I'm going to go to Point Reyes today. But first I'm going to pick up the basket for my bike, and then I'm going to go. I'll spend the day writing.
I'm "home" now (that is, I'm sitting in front my computer in Alli's room), but I don't think I've ever felt so deeply in limbo in my life. The strange thing is that I know exactly what I want, and I know more or less what I need to do to get it. I once heard that procrastination is really self-doubt rather than laziness, a perfectionist's inability to get something done for fear it won't be good enough. That pretty much epitomizes my present mindset. I think I'll feel different in the daylight, but for now I feel utterly inept and uncapable of accomplishing my goals. Honestly, how hard is it to put together a pristine college application, turn it in, get accepted where you want, finish undergrad with flying colors, get into a good grad school, get through grad school with flying colors, and land some kind of teaching position someplace great with the ultimate goal of tenure. That doesn't sound daunting at all does it?
I'm never quite sure how October 1st creeps up on me every year. And I'm not sure what it represents, except for the anniversary of a day that changed everything for me and my family. But for the most part it was a good day. I have the warmest sense of nostalgia connected with Halloween, I think because it's the only time communities traditionally interact with each other, the only time all adults take equal responsibility for all children as they should have in the first place. God, my life felt so safe up until that night. I suppose that's the real goal, to get myself in a position of giving that sense of safety to another child, and help them grow up strong. Not all self-reliant like me because I'm more of burden to myself than I think I realize.
I'm going to go to Point Reyes today. But first I'm going to pick up the basket for my bike, and then I'm going to go. I'll spend the day writing.