PROVOKED BY AN IRRITATING CONVERSATION WITH MY SISTER
My sister called me today to express her "concern for my wellbeing." It sort of made me realize how changed she is from the girl I always so avidly worshipped growing up -- she's more self-absorbed, more nosy, and surprisingly insensitive. Really insensitive. She has a tendency to call me and make me feel terrible about things I previously felt completely fine about. God do I not need that kind of contructive criticism -- I really do more of that on my own behalf than is healthy. How does she find herself in the position of judging my emotions and motivations? Today her lecture was that I shouldn't be sarificing a week of my life for my mother who almost died last week. My response was how could I live with myself if I abandoned the one person who has unconditionlly been there for me, unrelentingly built my character (even though I didn't necessarily need it), the one person who makes me feel utterly able to be myself. She seemed to be worried that I was "sinking into codependent tendencies" - I told her that I wasn't doing anything I wouldn't do for her or Dave or Lelah -- family, by definition, is supposed to be there for each other. If I was stranded in a hospital for days and days, I would feel so happy and loved if someone insisted on being by side throughout. I think there's a line between protecting yourself and helping people qenuinely in need. She said she'd come up to support me if I needed it, but seemed to get all defensive when I brought up the fact that it was my mom, not me, in need of help. I told her that if she really wanted to help she could come up for two days and take care of my mom so I could go to class on Thursday as I so badly need to, but that seemed to be beyond what she was willing to do.
True, she is not genetically related to my mom. But my mom basically raised her! You'd think she'd have a shred of a desire to be there for someone who loves her deeply.
It's strange, but I feel like her advice is becoming less and less valuable, like maybe she's not in the position to tell me what to do anymore, like maybe I'm more in that position than she is. I am doing the kind thing, the right thing, it makes me feel more like an adult (in a good way, for once). If I died knowing that I had been there for all of the people I love when they needed me, I'd be quite content. And I would hope that there would always be people there for me (the way that Conor was and the way that Spencer wasn't) -- I think that would be a reflection of how beautiful and meaningful I life I led. Considering how many people called me this week to make sure I was okay make me feel really grateful that I'm heading toward that end.
I need to stop watching sappy TV soap operas that remind me of Spencer.
True, she is not genetically related to my mom. But my mom basically raised her! You'd think she'd have a shred of a desire to be there for someone who loves her deeply.
It's strange, but I feel like her advice is becoming less and less valuable, like maybe she's not in the position to tell me what to do anymore, like maybe I'm more in that position than she is. I am doing the kind thing, the right thing, it makes me feel more like an adult (in a good way, for once). If I died knowing that I had been there for all of the people I love when they needed me, I'd be quite content. And I would hope that there would always be people there for me (the way that Conor was and the way that Spencer wasn't) -- I think that would be a reflection of how beautiful and meaningful I life I led. Considering how many people called me this week to make sure I was okay make me feel really grateful that I'm heading toward that end.
I need to stop watching sappy TV soap operas that remind me of Spencer.