(no subject)
Ok. So I don't want to be a downer, and I don't want to go all Tony Soprano on you, but there is something I have been feeling for a while, and I don't know how else to express other than through this venue (where surely fewer of you will be hurt), and to use a quote by Tony Soprano to sum it up:
"I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family. They're the only ones you can depend on."
I don't know if I feel this way because things in my house are really bad, and we are trying to band together, or if because I just feel let down by some of my friends. I suspect that its probably a case of a little bit of both, but I can't really express how I feel.
Its odd- part of it becase I know its been a really rough little while -especially the last year. I've been on this roller coaster of amazing, body numbing highs, and soul shattering lows. I feel old. I feel.. empty.. Last year this time, i was dealing with...well.. god.. it had so much promise. I felt so.. warm. I was hurting, but oh god, It was BETTER somehow; the promise of something better hung in front of me. I don't know how to compare the way I feel now, with the way I felt then, but its different. Its all different, and not necessarily better. I've been really struggling with school, and I am starting to learn the limits of my body. I'm sleepign 8 - 10 hours a night, some nights, but I wake up nauseated, dizzy, and there are days where I'm disoriented, and its hurts to breathe. I feel icky after eating, and drinking? Its killing me. I went out with some of theboys from work over the weekend, and I couldnt admit I wasn't what I used to be, even though they had nothing to compare me to. I gave it all I had, and I felt horrid after. Just waking up and going about my life is so draining. If thats what you can call it. My life doesn't even feel like mine. I feel like I am observing myself living it, because some of the time, I'm really not there. I don't know whats wrong with me, and on a very basic, very human level, something is. Something really, really is, and I'm honest enough to admit that none of you have even really noticed, and very few of you seem to care, even if you do notice.
I feel incredibly alone. Friends, Boyfriend, Co-Workers, its all for nothing, because nothing helps. I want you to understand that I'm not angry. Im over angry. I'm disappointed in some of you, and I feel invisable. I haven't really said anything to date to most of you- a few I did, but it was one of those things where nothing was done, no matter how hard I ask, beg, scream, whatever. I honestly feel like I'm in the middle of a huge room, filled with people, and I'm screaming at the top of my fucking lungs, and no one even looks up. At this point, I doubt that any of you could really do anything about it. This is kind of a last ditch trade off to let you guys know, cause I can't handle you guys thinking everything is ok with me, because... the front is absolutely killing me. I just can't sit by and let myself be controlled and pushed because I am scared someone won't like it. Well, I was right, but that someone is me. I am done doing anything for anybody that I don't want to. The only person I have to explain myself to is me. The only person I owe anything to is me. I'm just so fed up with making other people happy, because its all bullshit. Its all fucking bullshit. I shouldn't have to live my life worrying that if I do this, this person won't be my friend, or will have a cow. I should just be able to be me, and be accepted for it. I have a lot of facets, but the 'black/white/grey' thing you all bug me about is a much bigger problem than I let on, and aside form that, there are a lot of other things that are bigger deals that that.. I have my limits, and this is them. This is it. This is where lines are going to be drawn, and not everyone will come with me. I've conceded to that point.
I don't know how it got this far, I don't know how I lost some of you. Its dorky, but honestly, Mallinson, there are days where I want to just call you up, cause sometimes you just have this AMAZING ability, like few I know, to just.. you have such wit, and sarcasm, but there is something about you that gives me hope. But I feel so stupid. And god, god help me, I wish i could find someone to tell me how to get the peace I feel when..
Sometimes you meet people. And they come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. But, what do you do when you thought it was a season, it became a reason you hoped would be a lifetime, but now you realize the reason was to teach you something? There was someone who taught me something; he gave me faith. He gave me faith in myself, and made me LOVE myself. It's hard to imagine it, but even though him and I lost touch, and things are the wya they are, and they will never change, and I'm finally ok with it, I wished I knew how he walks with such confidence, how he is so happy even though he hurts. I'll always love him for the gift he gave me, and there have soo many hard days lately when I've consoled myself with, "You can do this; I know you can. You can do anything, because you matter. You are prescious, and I know that things look dark now, and you feel alone, and scared. But you aren't alone, and so what if y ou are scared. Thats ok. You dont need anyone but you, because at the end of the day, he was right. You are sexy, and beautiful, and smart, and anyone is lucky to have you in their life, let alone their bed'. I wished I knew what it was that made me feel that way, and I wished I could make that happen for me, and make it so that I've done it. I feel like everything is all for nothing. And don't worry, and forgive me for being vulgar, I'm not going to slit my wrists or something stupid like that. I just feel like there has to be something more for me to do with my life than go to school, work, and get a job, and make some money. There has to be something greater. It just seems so stupid. Go to school, file ocmplaint, blah blah blah. Fucking beaurocracy.
Ugh. I can feel this in bones, in my heart.
I am just so ready to go and just.. go.. away.. I wish I could just pack up, and go away for a while, and just unwind. My family is thinking of sending me to Cali for a few weeks cause I have family there, but I can't go like this. The family would just gossip until the end oftime. I wish I could just take mysel fon vacation, and sit on a beach, and just.. soak up the sunshine, and just de-stress..
"I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family. They're the only ones you can depend on."
I don't know if I feel this way because things in my house are really bad, and we are trying to band together, or if because I just feel let down by some of my friends. I suspect that its probably a case of a little bit of both, but I can't really express how I feel.
Its odd- part of it becase I know its been a really rough little while -especially the last year. I've been on this roller coaster of amazing, body numbing highs, and soul shattering lows. I feel old. I feel.. empty.. Last year this time, i was dealing with...well.. god.. it had so much promise. I felt so.. warm. I was hurting, but oh god, It was BETTER somehow; the promise of something better hung in front of me. I don't know how to compare the way I feel now, with the way I felt then, but its different. Its all different, and not necessarily better. I've been really struggling with school, and I am starting to learn the limits of my body. I'm sleepign 8 - 10 hours a night, some nights, but I wake up nauseated, dizzy, and there are days where I'm disoriented, and its hurts to breathe. I feel icky after eating, and drinking? Its killing me. I went out with some of theboys from work over the weekend, and I couldnt admit I wasn't what I used to be, even though they had nothing to compare me to. I gave it all I had, and I felt horrid after. Just waking up and going about my life is so draining. If thats what you can call it. My life doesn't even feel like mine. I feel like I am observing myself living it, because some of the time, I'm really not there. I don't know whats wrong with me, and on a very basic, very human level, something is. Something really, really is, and I'm honest enough to admit that none of you have even really noticed, and very few of you seem to care, even if you do notice.
I feel incredibly alone. Friends, Boyfriend, Co-Workers, its all for nothing, because nothing helps. I want you to understand that I'm not angry. Im over angry. I'm disappointed in some of you, and I feel invisable. I haven't really said anything to date to most of you- a few I did, but it was one of those things where nothing was done, no matter how hard I ask, beg, scream, whatever. I honestly feel like I'm in the middle of a huge room, filled with people, and I'm screaming at the top of my fucking lungs, and no one even looks up. At this point, I doubt that any of you could really do anything about it. This is kind of a last ditch trade off to let you guys know, cause I can't handle you guys thinking everything is ok with me, because... the front is absolutely killing me. I just can't sit by and let myself be controlled and pushed because I am scared someone won't like it. Well, I was right, but that someone is me. I am done doing anything for anybody that I don't want to. The only person I have to explain myself to is me. The only person I owe anything to is me. I'm just so fed up with making other people happy, because its all bullshit. Its all fucking bullshit. I shouldn't have to live my life worrying that if I do this, this person won't be my friend, or will have a cow. I should just be able to be me, and be accepted for it. I have a lot of facets, but the 'black/white/grey' thing you all bug me about is a much bigger problem than I let on, and aside form that, there are a lot of other things that are bigger deals that that.. I have my limits, and this is them. This is it. This is where lines are going to be drawn, and not everyone will come with me. I've conceded to that point.
I don't know how it got this far, I don't know how I lost some of you. Its dorky, but honestly, Mallinson, there are days where I want to just call you up, cause sometimes you just have this AMAZING ability, like few I know, to just.. you have such wit, and sarcasm, but there is something about you that gives me hope. But I feel so stupid. And god, god help me, I wish i could find someone to tell me how to get the peace I feel when..
Sometimes you meet people. And they come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. But, what do you do when you thought it was a season, it became a reason you hoped would be a lifetime, but now you realize the reason was to teach you something? There was someone who taught me something; he gave me faith. He gave me faith in myself, and made me LOVE myself. It's hard to imagine it, but even though him and I lost touch, and things are the wya they are, and they will never change, and I'm finally ok with it, I wished I knew how he walks with such confidence, how he is so happy even though he hurts. I'll always love him for the gift he gave me, and there have soo many hard days lately when I've consoled myself with, "You can do this; I know you can. You can do anything, because you matter. You are prescious, and I know that things look dark now, and you feel alone, and scared. But you aren't alone, and so what if y ou are scared. Thats ok. You dont need anyone but you, because at the end of the day, he was right. You are sexy, and beautiful, and smart, and anyone is lucky to have you in their life, let alone their bed'. I wished I knew what it was that made me feel that way, and I wished I could make that happen for me, and make it so that I've done it. I feel like everything is all for nothing. And don't worry, and forgive me for being vulgar, I'm not going to slit my wrists or something stupid like that. I just feel like there has to be something more for me to do with my life than go to school, work, and get a job, and make some money. There has to be something greater. It just seems so stupid. Go to school, file ocmplaint, blah blah blah. Fucking beaurocracy.
Ugh. I can feel this in bones, in my heart.
I am just so ready to go and just.. go.. away.. I wish I could just pack up, and go away for a while, and just unwind. My family is thinking of sending me to Cali for a few weeks cause I have family there, but I can't go like this. The family would just gossip until the end oftime. I wish I could just take mysel fon vacation, and sit on a beach, and just.. soak up the sunshine, and just de-stress..