There's A Thousand Words That I Could Say...
Someone commented to me lately as to shallow nature of my livejournal over the past few months.. how even the few locked entries lacked fire, lacked something. To that I say this: To those of you that have recently commented on how 'mellow' I seem (I suppose a few of you would use the word 'sedated'), thank heaven for small mercies. Though the issues surrounding my family and school and work are sort of starting to work themselves out, it doesn't mean that everything with me is perfect, and I wouldn't want it to be. That is when people get.. sloppy. I don't really know what to offer up to those you in relation to your 'observations' or thoughts, but..
In any case...
Rest assured, this is me, this is my life, so give it a few weeks. Things will pick up, I'm sure.
Its kind of been one of those weeks. Nothing really bad happened, nothing really great. No disrespct is intended to the people I hung out with this week, or the things we did; it was all great, especially Wednesday Night, but you KNOW where Im going with this (pre-emptive ass saving). Last week, I was at ThePremierHotel, and I had a talk with TheSenorita, and it was one of those days where I really, really, REALLY needed to talk to someone, and she sat down, and she listened. She (refreshingly) didn't judge me, didn't tell me what to do. She just.. she let me cry when I needed to, and let me laugh when I needed to, and I needed it. No offence to everyone else, but.. I guess I just needed to be totally 100% honest with someone who was outside. I needed to say some things out loud, and I needed to be to more than just my face in the mirror, or in my dreams. I want to say that this conversation didn't have a change, that it didn't matter, but it did. now that we are apart, am I still in your heart? baby why don't you see, that I need you here with me? I definately feel.. different after.. Its nothing I can really say, other than I just.. it feels like the end of an era.. the second I said some things... I knew some things were over... I guess that age old adage about how once you admit something it loses some of its power, and you just learn to either move or, or embrace the damn thing, persists because it is so true. I guess I kind of opted to do both.
Tonight was one of those nights where, as I angrily texted to BlueEyes, if I had something with which to 'smite' humanity, I would get on 'smotting' them. (it's NOT funny, you know. YOU aren't funny.) Those are quotes from text messages from tonight. Its kinda nice to know someone in the industry who realized how fundamentally stupid humanity is, and can not only synpahtize with how I feel, but bloody well add to the conversation. We had this group of financial types who had spent the week at ThePremierHotel, and tonight was thier finale gala. They were horrid, refusing to let me through, being obnoxious. It was horrendous. I have a GREAT partner, who I just ADORE, and hes great, so. Everytime one of us would be pouty (which was often) the other would be silly, and make them feel better. I ended up drinking like... four cups of tea, cause the hot/yummy/sweet combo was very good at improving the gash that those ICKY people left. LOL. While doing setups, we were listening to TheBeat, and the dj played, almost in entirety, TheSummer/Fall2005Chronicles Playlist(s). It was horrendous. One minute I was merrily singing along to some stupid RnB song, and one minute after that, I stopped in mid booty shake, and was actually speechless. And it was like that for over an hour. I couldn't believe it. Its rare that it happens. I mean, they played 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' earlier today, and I couldn't help but smile ruefully.
I don't know. I'm ok. I know that lately a few of you have been kind of worried, because I'm a little quieter than usual, and while you are mostly right, its not because anything is really wrong. There is just a lot going on, and, interestingly enough, I don't want to talk about it. And I'll spare you the politcally correct bullshit; there are definately a few of you I don't want to confide in, and I won't. Im just sick and tired with a few things. I think its cause the last few months have just... I totally got out of a really nice safe alterante reality I had created for myself, and I just really went in guns blazing, and definately had more than a handful of situations and things I had never ever had to deal with that became reality. I mean, I was lucky, I had Stumpy and TheSenorita to talk to, but I honestly did most of this on my own, and I am happy I made whatever decisions I had to make, and did the things I had to do, but I guess whenever you do soemthing for yourself, it always has its price. I guess I'm just learning that even if things seem to work out, its always a facade, because you can't undo the words you say to people that hurt them. I had some things said to me that while I forgave, I can't forget, and because of that, I'm watching what i say to others, too. I forget that sometimes you can move beyond things, but you can't fix them, they will never be the same, and maybe its a fruitless attempt to try to make it better.
In any case...
Rest assured, this is me, this is my life, so give it a few weeks. Things will pick up, I'm sure.
Its kind of been one of those weeks. Nothing really bad happened, nothing really great. No disrespct is intended to the people I hung out with this week, or the things we did; it was all great, especially Wednesday Night, but you KNOW where Im going with this (pre-emptive ass saving). Last week, I was at ThePremierHotel, and I had a talk with TheSenorita, and it was one of those days where I really, really, REALLY needed to talk to someone, and she sat down, and she listened. She (refreshingly) didn't judge me, didn't tell me what to do. She just.. she let me cry when I needed to, and let me laugh when I needed to, and I needed it. No offence to everyone else, but.. I guess I just needed to be totally 100% honest with someone who was outside. I needed to say some things out loud, and I needed to be to more than just my face in the mirror, or in my dreams. I want to say that this conversation didn't have a change, that it didn't matter, but it did. now that we are apart, am I still in your heart? baby why don't you see, that I need you here with me? I definately feel.. different after.. Its nothing I can really say, other than I just.. it feels like the end of an era.. the second I said some things... I knew some things were over... I guess that age old adage about how once you admit something it loses some of its power, and you just learn to either move or, or embrace the damn thing, persists because it is so true. I guess I kind of opted to do both.
Tonight was one of those nights where, as I angrily texted to BlueEyes, if I had something with which to 'smite' humanity, I would get on 'smotting' them. (it's NOT funny, you know. YOU aren't funny.) Those are quotes from text messages from tonight. Its kinda nice to know someone in the industry who realized how fundamentally stupid humanity is, and can not only synpahtize with how I feel, but bloody well add to the conversation. We had this group of financial types who had spent the week at ThePremierHotel, and tonight was thier finale gala. They were horrid, refusing to let me through, being obnoxious. It was horrendous. I have a GREAT partner, who I just ADORE, and hes great, so. Everytime one of us would be pouty (which was often) the other would be silly, and make them feel better. I ended up drinking like... four cups of tea, cause the hot/yummy/sweet combo was very good at improving the gash that those ICKY people left. LOL. While doing setups, we were listening to TheBeat, and the dj played, almost in entirety, TheSummer/Fall2005Chronicles Playlist(s). It was horrendous. One minute I was merrily singing along to some stupid RnB song, and one minute after that, I stopped in mid booty shake, and was actually speechless. And it was like that for over an hour. I couldn't believe it. Its rare that it happens. I mean, they played 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' earlier today, and I couldn't help but smile ruefully.
I don't know. I'm ok. I know that lately a few of you have been kind of worried, because I'm a little quieter than usual, and while you are mostly right, its not because anything is really wrong. There is just a lot going on, and, interestingly enough, I don't want to talk about it. And I'll spare you the politcally correct bullshit; there are definately a few of you I don't want to confide in, and I won't. Im just sick and tired with a few things. I think its cause the last few months have just... I totally got out of a really nice safe alterante reality I had created for myself, and I just really went in guns blazing, and definately had more than a handful of situations and things I had never ever had to deal with that became reality. I mean, I was lucky, I had Stumpy and TheSenorita to talk to, but I honestly did most of this on my own, and I am happy I made whatever decisions I had to make, and did the things I had to do, but I guess whenever you do soemthing for yourself, it always has its price. I guess I'm just learning that even if things seem to work out, its always a facade, because you can't undo the words you say to people that hurt them. I had some things said to me that while I forgave, I can't forget, and because of that, I'm watching what i say to others, too. I forget that sometimes you can move beyond things, but you can't fix them, they will never be the same, and maybe its a fruitless attempt to try to make it better.