i wish i had a river so long; i would teach my feet to fly
i had a terrible dream about a spider. it ran like a tiny bunny and it ran through a window into my room. it was making the sound that was actually being made by a bird in the real world. it was red and black and i tried to step on it but it was too fast. i was terrified when i woke up. and i had a terrible headache. i'm tired of waking up with headaches. lindsey said it could be stress and anxiety, and maybe; but i think it might also be not enough water, or sleep.
i packed and took a really hot shower--until i felt sick, almost. not dizzy but like i would vomit. sometimes that just happens in the mornings if i don't eat, what with the feedback i'm cursed with. i just breathed deep until it passed. mom took me back to school, and it was a nice morning. i read the paper outside of philosophy class, which was awful. i gave the wrong answer, not at first but then partly intentionally, on the quiz. i just go to scowl and emit rays of disdain these days.
i had lunch with kurtis and katie and lindsey. it was nice to see everyone, and all at once. they peeled off and lindsey finally heard me say how i am doing. i can't remember what she said to me, but i cried. i told jordyn online tonight why it was good to cry; that i don't want to stop feeling unstable until something is different. i don't want to adjust to feeling this way. that, i suppose, is what theresa was afraid of. still, it must be different for everyone. i guess i just know crying pretty well.
we looked around the computer store and i went to work. everyone was tense. things went wrong with our systems, which is frustrating. tristan got fired today, i suppose. gladys was still all worked up about it. sheila had some sort of hysteria, it sounded like--i'm sure something happened, but i don't know what. sandy was trying to patch everyone's boats, it sounded like. i worked mostly on the policies and procedures--the thing i wish i had had when i started--and i am doing well so far, i think. they asked if was any better; and some; gladys said, better, but not out of the woods yet. i said i wish everyone could just have a relaxing night. i have, a little. i told mom i was having a probably false feeling that i was getting caught up on things. i am going to have to start writing papers soon, i suppose. i've been responding to rhet studies articles all night. here's hoping i do something cool tomorrow.
i had dinner with lindsey and katie and i've been working in the study since then. kelly and i talked for awhile. there was a shooting today in virginia at a university. it's kind of shaken everyone, i think. it's so close to the anniversary of columbine. it's so unmitigated, unmasked evil. and people are asking, why? our hearts can only get so full, and they just break and break. ask tonight for blessing, and protection. for healing; for whatever answers grief. ask for leading. sometimes at night i whisper, Jesus, son of the living God. i'm glad i got to talk to kelly tonight; she's been sleeping all day long after a weird episode of heat and chills and dizzy at work. i don't want the circumstances to fall on top of me.
this madeleine peyroux song--the one with k.d. lang--is totally beautiful. the verse that's not in the heart version reminds me of when i heard it in the joni mitchell version--in computer literacy class with the guy from the monopoly game. anyway, it's a gorgeous song. (ps--what if i started spelling gorgeous gorgias? nice.) kj
i packed and took a really hot shower--until i felt sick, almost. not dizzy but like i would vomit. sometimes that just happens in the mornings if i don't eat, what with the feedback i'm cursed with. i just breathed deep until it passed. mom took me back to school, and it was a nice morning. i read the paper outside of philosophy class, which was awful. i gave the wrong answer, not at first but then partly intentionally, on the quiz. i just go to scowl and emit rays of disdain these days.
i had lunch with kurtis and katie and lindsey. it was nice to see everyone, and all at once. they peeled off and lindsey finally heard me say how i am doing. i can't remember what she said to me, but i cried. i told jordyn online tonight why it was good to cry; that i don't want to stop feeling unstable until something is different. i don't want to adjust to feeling this way. that, i suppose, is what theresa was afraid of. still, it must be different for everyone. i guess i just know crying pretty well.
we looked around the computer store and i went to work. everyone was tense. things went wrong with our systems, which is frustrating. tristan got fired today, i suppose. gladys was still all worked up about it. sheila had some sort of hysteria, it sounded like--i'm sure something happened, but i don't know what. sandy was trying to patch everyone's boats, it sounded like. i worked mostly on the policies and procedures--the thing i wish i had had when i started--and i am doing well so far, i think. they asked if was any better; and some; gladys said, better, but not out of the woods yet. i said i wish everyone could just have a relaxing night. i have, a little. i told mom i was having a probably false feeling that i was getting caught up on things. i am going to have to start writing papers soon, i suppose. i've been responding to rhet studies articles all night. here's hoping i do something cool tomorrow.
i had dinner with lindsey and katie and i've been working in the study since then. kelly and i talked for awhile. there was a shooting today in virginia at a university. it's kind of shaken everyone, i think. it's so close to the anniversary of columbine. it's so unmitigated, unmasked evil. and people are asking, why? our hearts can only get so full, and they just break and break. ask tonight for blessing, and protection. for healing; for whatever answers grief. ask for leading. sometimes at night i whisper, Jesus, son of the living God. i'm glad i got to talk to kelly tonight; she's been sleeping all day long after a weird episode of heat and chills and dizzy at work. i don't want the circumstances to fall on top of me.
this madeleine peyroux song--the one with k.d. lang--is totally beautiful. the verse that's not in the heart version reminds me of when i heard it in the joni mitchell version--in computer literacy class with the guy from the monopoly game. anyway, it's a gorgeous song. (ps--what if i started spelling gorgeous gorgias? nice.) kj