for all of my holy freedom
i feel a bit like crap today. kelly and i had an argument last night, or a sort of one. she hung up with me abruptly before work, then text messaged to tell me i had made her feel not listened to. i didn't know i was doing it, and probably i over-reacted. she swore, and when she swears at me, it gets in deep. i think i made a mess of things. in the morning i text messaged happy easter but it didn't really fly. i just wanted her to know i wasn't ignoring her. i hate this, these scenes of argument, and today i have felt the loneliest i have during any of them. i feel useless, destructive, and sad.
my mom is always the easter bunny. she gave me $15 at itunes and some dark chocolate m&ms and a card made out of blue highlighter that predictably said, hoppy easter. the church service was alright. the set was gorgeous and featured an old, beautiful mustang. i let my voice rattle around in my throat during the songs. i ended up thinking a lot about the letter i'd sent to terri, who was with the choir on stage. i don't want to let the silent answer turn to resentment, and i don't really know if it's final. i noticed some interesting things but mostly i was moved when, during the last song, they sang "i know he'll do for you what he did for me". i have to take their conviction for now because i feel somehow untransformed. almost everything in my life is going so well these days. but i still feel hamstrung in my family and maybe hamstrung in the church. i am just so tired of being on the outside. i'm not invincible. i'm proud of myself, mostly, but i feel so easily broken. i wonder if i really know how i feel.
we watched without a traces today, and premonition. i don't think i liked the movie. i really don't do so well watching violent shows much. i think that's part of what i like a lot about shark; it's usually not about the crime, so it's less gruesome. anyway the film was interesting, but i hated the ending. the sun looked really strange on the drive home; the sky was so dusty, i guess because of such winds, and the sun was a perfect bright circle looking darker on the bottom than the top. it was strange to look at.
i worked on my ed psych presentation awhile tonight; i think it's turning out fairly good. i have one more rhet studies article to read and then posts to make. two term papers to write--this month, i think. and--exciting!--i get papers back on tuesday, i think, so that means probably some revisions for crowley's class and perhaps talking about schedules. i got credit card applications and scholarships to do, uh, sometime.
my stomach is pretty upset tonight. i left kelly a message a little after ten. i have some more things i can do for a little while, and then i guess i'll get to bed.
i want to love, and better than this.
kendall joy
kelly called me back, and i basically cried the whole time. that's usually true. today is nineteen months. we're also going to bother. she asked me what i did today, and we talked. she called me 'buttmuffin' in a text message. i laughed, against my will.
my mom is always the easter bunny. she gave me $15 at itunes and some dark chocolate m&ms and a card made out of blue highlighter that predictably said, hoppy easter. the church service was alright. the set was gorgeous and featured an old, beautiful mustang. i let my voice rattle around in my throat during the songs. i ended up thinking a lot about the letter i'd sent to terri, who was with the choir on stage. i don't want to let the silent answer turn to resentment, and i don't really know if it's final. i noticed some interesting things but mostly i was moved when, during the last song, they sang "i know he'll do for you what he did for me". i have to take their conviction for now because i feel somehow untransformed. almost everything in my life is going so well these days. but i still feel hamstrung in my family and maybe hamstrung in the church. i am just so tired of being on the outside. i'm not invincible. i'm proud of myself, mostly, but i feel so easily broken. i wonder if i really know how i feel.
we watched without a traces today, and premonition. i don't think i liked the movie. i really don't do so well watching violent shows much. i think that's part of what i like a lot about shark; it's usually not about the crime, so it's less gruesome. anyway the film was interesting, but i hated the ending. the sun looked really strange on the drive home; the sky was so dusty, i guess because of such winds, and the sun was a perfect bright circle looking darker on the bottom than the top. it was strange to look at.
i worked on my ed psych presentation awhile tonight; i think it's turning out fairly good. i have one more rhet studies article to read and then posts to make. two term papers to write--this month, i think. and--exciting!--i get papers back on tuesday, i think, so that means probably some revisions for crowley's class and perhaps talking about schedules. i got credit card applications and scholarships to do, uh, sometime.
my stomach is pretty upset tonight. i left kelly a message a little after ten. i have some more things i can do for a little while, and then i guess i'll get to bed.
i want to love, and better than this.
kendall joy
kelly called me back, and i basically cried the whole time. that's usually true. today is nineteen months. we're also going to bother. she asked me what i did today, and we talked. she called me 'buttmuffin' in a text message. i laughed, against my will.