heartscraped
Last night was weird and agitate-y... for obvious reasons.
Ex-fiance, (wow, it could have been ex-wife with time)
came up to pick up some of her stuff.
brought strange boy with her,
but it's not good for me now to look too deep into that right now.
luckily, and just in fucking time, i had a little help from my friends.
and got high with a little help from my friends.
M and J came over, and we collaborated
and made an amazing song I wished I had recorded.
I still need to learn a lot to consider myself a player
I feel I provided adequate Jonny Greenwood-like tweaking for atmosphere.
We were not good for each other, probably never good,
but i always tried to postmortem,
seek out the why, and how can we get around it,
but i could never penetrate through her stubbornness,
a closed, untrusting book.
i tried to talk to her last night, but she wasn't receptive.
i succeeded in hurting her enough, out of a passionate display of mindlessness,
frustration, and apprehensiveness of hanging on her last obscure words...
there was no point to try to come to any type of resolution.
there is no point, and it will just prove to mean nothing.
i stonewalled for a while, and when it was too late,
i let my guard down enough at the end,
and scraped out a giant piece of my soul for her,
I mean I feel I was always scraping, but never stacking up to her expectations.
the ultimatums too unrealistic.
i was blinded by how critically dissected i felt,
Pushed towards an unrealistic and untimely goal.
I felt like I was hanging there on a ledge.
She made tons of sacrifices for us originally,
and i feel i could have opened my eyes wider to recognize them.
but the communication stilted just enough to feel manipulative, ...
Waiting on her words,
I felt like she already knew.
Maybe she did, maybe she didn't...
I'm usually too analytical to pin fault.
But I'm afraid to open my emotions
if I can't squelch them to tolerable degrees.
The videos I made of us I'm ashamed and proud of.
I can't fucking watch them, and want to delete them
they're too nostalgic, yet, I really can't afford to get lost in that feeling.
There's no high road to really take here.
I guess my obvious re-learned lesson is:
Chemistry like ours can be beautiful, and full of passion,
And it can also be volatile in parallel or perpendicular swings.
And eventually becomes unstable without nurturing and proper communication,
Or possibly the communication was too much.
When you get hurt by the one you loved,
you will never regain pride or satisfaction by hurting them back,
though that may be the thing you want to do most at the time.
And look deeper in yourself whether they really hurt you,
or whether you hurt them...
Or if that's the tip of the iceberg of something way more repressed.
You wanted eyes wide open, but shut your eyes for her.
Find someone that loves you back, without trying to control you out of mistrust,
resorting to escapism, stifling, and manipulating you into second-guessing yourself.
You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.
But waking up to fresh starts can be much more awesome, and renewing,
when you invite that awesomeness back in.
Just be more careful and confident with those invitations.
Think it through. Plan. Plan to make a plan. And stick to it.
Balance it.
Live again.
Love again.
No rush.
Ex-fiance, (wow, it could have been ex-wife with time)
came up to pick up some of her stuff.
brought strange boy with her,
but it's not good for me now to look too deep into that right now.
luckily, and just in fucking time, i had a little help from my friends.
and got high with a little help from my friends.
M and J came over, and we collaborated
and made an amazing song I wished I had recorded.
I still need to learn a lot to consider myself a player
I feel I provided adequate Jonny Greenwood-like tweaking for atmosphere.
We were not good for each other, probably never good,
but i always tried to postmortem,
seek out the why, and how can we get around it,
but i could never penetrate through her stubbornness,
a closed, untrusting book.
i tried to talk to her last night, but she wasn't receptive.
i succeeded in hurting her enough, out of a passionate display of mindlessness,
frustration, and apprehensiveness of hanging on her last obscure words...
there was no point to try to come to any type of resolution.
there is no point, and it will just prove to mean nothing.
i stonewalled for a while, and when it was too late,
i let my guard down enough at the end,
and scraped out a giant piece of my soul for her,
I mean I feel I was always scraping, but never stacking up to her expectations.
the ultimatums too unrealistic.
i was blinded by how critically dissected i felt,
Pushed towards an unrealistic and untimely goal.
I felt like I was hanging there on a ledge.
She made tons of sacrifices for us originally,
and i feel i could have opened my eyes wider to recognize them.
but the communication stilted just enough to feel manipulative, ...
Waiting on her words,
I felt like she already knew.
Maybe she did, maybe she didn't...
I'm usually too analytical to pin fault.
But I'm afraid to open my emotions
if I can't squelch them to tolerable degrees.
The videos I made of us I'm ashamed and proud of.
I can't fucking watch them, and want to delete them
they're too nostalgic, yet, I really can't afford to get lost in that feeling.
There's no high road to really take here.
I guess my obvious re-learned lesson is:
Chemistry like ours can be beautiful, and full of passion,
And it can also be volatile in parallel or perpendicular swings.
And eventually becomes unstable without nurturing and proper communication,
Or possibly the communication was too much.
When you get hurt by the one you loved,
you will never regain pride or satisfaction by hurting them back,
though that may be the thing you want to do most at the time.
And look deeper in yourself whether they really hurt you,
or whether you hurt them...
Or if that's the tip of the iceberg of something way more repressed.
You wanted eyes wide open, but shut your eyes for her.
Find someone that loves you back, without trying to control you out of mistrust,
resorting to escapism, stifling, and manipulating you into second-guessing yourself.
You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.
But waking up to fresh starts can be much more awesome, and renewing,
when you invite that awesomeness back in.
Just be more careful and confident with those invitations.
Think it through. Plan. Plan to make a plan. And stick to it.
Balance it.
Live again.
Love again.
No rush.