long time no write

[queliana]

Well i know by now that nobody will probably read this because they've given up on me ever writing again but i thought i'd write something cause what the hell, i have nothing else to do right now besides wash clothes or shop for little things for the house....anyways, i'im ok. i feel alive and that's enough for me. the reason i don't write a lot i think isn't because i don't have much to say, i think i'm just afraid of how much i have to say and what the outcome of me saying it will be. Here's something--Me and Ausencio were really on the rocks a while back. mostly because i was so jealous and needy of him that i was pushing him away and making him feel uncomfortable in this relationship, however i won't say that he didn't make any mistakes either as those of you who know him know how he is. But things have been getting a lot better. Maybe it's because his brother isn't around so much anymore to pull him away from me (which is still party of my jealousy speaking and i need to get over that). He is so loving these days, and he says it more often, he says sweet things more often and he is talking about marriage a lot. Before he'd kind of said that we should stop thinking aboutt hat for now and focus on getting our relationship to a livable point. Well i have wanted for so long and i have wanted with all my heart to hear these wonderful things from him. it makes me feel so amazingly great. but at the same time, i'm starting to lose my faith in this relationship. All the things i thought my love would drive away are beginning to haunt me. One thing I really worry about is religion, which i never did so much worry about before. but i see how he believes in the Virgin and all that so much and i know he wants our chiildren to be catholic but i also know that if they were it would only be in label only. i don't want my kids to be a labled, name brand religion....i want them to live that religion whatever it is. If they were jewish, i would take them to services, i would teach them the prayers, i would get them educated in that religion, not just used to looking at a picture of a saint or the virgin and crossing themselves automatically without giving some heartfelt thought to what they're really worhsipping. I want to instill kavanah in them which means praying or acting with meaning..with the spirit of God behind it.
also our ideals are so different. what i want from a life together is different that what he wants. a couple should have something common to work towards. but he doesn't even have plans or dreams for us. his only actualy real plan is to go back to mexico one day and visit the churches of the virgins he prayed to for help while crossing the border.
now this doesn't mean i'm going to end this relationship...at least not now. I just need some time to observe him adn me and how we are and if it's something that can actually last and having meaning and be right. anyways, so if anybody reads this...i'll be surprised.