(no subject)
i think i am about to come out to my mum that i ID as a boy. im very nervous. but i also need to get it out. i cant pretend anymore. im sick of feminizing myself.. to hide. i want life to go on from here. i have been depressed for the last two years. i have been angry my whole life, at being treated 'female' when im not. even as a kid i knew i wasnt like girls. i felt the freedom and treatment given to boys should have been rightfully mine. ive been fighting all my life to not get treated as a girl, a female, a woman. always taken pride in not doing/being any of the usual traits attributed to females. didn't realise women actually *like* being female.. this understanding only dawned in recent times. now ive stopped trying to subvert the female conception to suit myself, and actually started acknowledging myself as something different. as an internal boy, because that is what i have always related to. identified myself with. i have always held myself equal to men and males, and veiwed them as my peers, my standand to match and exceed. never understood the notion that women felt an unequal power balance to males, as i had never experienced it myself. i always had too much boyish confidence in myself, my own intelligence, and my abilities.
and now, i want to out myself. what am i seeking? acceptance? i may not get that. perhaps i can settle for being heard. for simply expressing something that matters to me. that is a beginning. a seeking to break down the antagonistic relationship i have always held with my mother. the simmering anger underneath at being treated like a girl. the screaming denial in my head. and my scoffing and disbelief every time she has tried to say how well she knows her 'daughter'. i always felt, she couldnt know who i am at all, if she viewed me in those terms.
enough with the anger. i will be brave and honest and hope for a positive step in the right direction. i need to let the anger seep away. i know myself now, i know myself with confidence to be a boy. to be male. i am not female, regardless of how people have interpreted my body. this stuff is hard to talk about.. but the silence and ignoring has been hard too. and that has made me so unhappy. something closer to myself, needs to be understood and acknowledged. when i know myself as a boy, all my anger drains away. i feel strong and confidence and happy. ready and able to live life. i can see a future in front of me. i make sense to me.
good luck and confidence to me. (and remember to be gentle with your mother queertransboy)
and now, i want to out myself. what am i seeking? acceptance? i may not get that. perhaps i can settle for being heard. for simply expressing something that matters to me. that is a beginning. a seeking to break down the antagonistic relationship i have always held with my mother. the simmering anger underneath at being treated like a girl. the screaming denial in my head. and my scoffing and disbelief every time she has tried to say how well she knows her 'daughter'. i always felt, she couldnt know who i am at all, if she viewed me in those terms.
enough with the anger. i will be brave and honest and hope for a positive step in the right direction. i need to let the anger seep away. i know myself now, i know myself with confidence to be a boy. to be male. i am not female, regardless of how people have interpreted my body. this stuff is hard to talk about.. but the silence and ignoring has been hard too. and that has made me so unhappy. something closer to myself, needs to be understood and acknowledged. when i know myself as a boy, all my anger drains away. i feel strong and confidence and happy. ready and able to live life. i can see a future in front of me. i make sense to me.
good luck and confidence to me. (and remember to be gentle with your mother queertransboy)