Going in Circles
Author: a_life_defiant
Beta: none, all mistakes are mine
Genre: Song!fic inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's "Holding You Down"
Time-Frame: S2 before Brian finds out who Justin's been seeing.
Warnings: Spoilers for S2
Summary: Brian's inner monologue one night while he's waiting up for Justin.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em && they aren't paying the rent. Strictly an obsession.
Why can’t I find somebody else
When I know, know that you're doing wrong
It’s so hard, hard to let go
Another night in early from Babylon and I’m lying here on the bed; allowing myself to actually think about all of this. I know he’s off somewhere; somewhere with him. No I don’t know exactly who ‘he’ is yet, but I know he exists. I can just feel it. One would think that I would be happy about this turn of events - but I’m the furthest thing from it. One would think that I could just go off and find another willing piece of ass to fuck and forget about - but I can’t. I can no easier let go than a planet can break the gravitational pull that the Sun has on it. I am so fucked.
I done went through just about two box of tissues baby
It seems like more often than not, Kleenex and my right hand have been my companion lately. No one remotely fuckable is enough to satisfy me. The only way I can seem to get off properly is by stroking myself while imagining Justin. This fucking kid has turned me into a goddamned lesbian. And the twat doesn’t even know what he’s done.
And you're looking at me like you ain't the issue baby
He just comes and goes, completely unaware of what he’s done to me - what he’s still doing to me. Everything is always my fault. Things I won’t give him; things I won’t allow myself to set in stone. Things I’m right to withhold because it would hur-….it would just make things so much worse than they already are right now. It would make the betrayal more intense. I’m already feeling all of this shit I don’t want to feel - I don’t need to fucking amplify it.
And though I tried to leave - I can’t stop missing you baby
And I keep coming, I keep coming back
I keep going in circles, circles
Round and round
And while you're doing me so wrong
I just keep holding you down
I’ve packed up his shit more than once; only to unpack it and put it back where it was all around the loft. But that’s only because by doing that it would say far too much. ‘I know. I know, and I’m a jealous bastard - so get the fuck out.’ Then on the other hand I can’t find the will to turn him out on the street. Sure, Deb would probably take him in…but I don’t like that scenario. Firstly, I would have to listen to her bitch me out for god knows how fucking long. And second, she would eventually figure it out and toss me that knowing look of hers - and that I surely don’t want to fucking deal with.
I feel so stupid, foolish
Loving you all this way
But what can I say
But I wanna go
I wanna go
But I keep coming back
And what does this cycle get me? Nothing. Nothing but one motherfucker of a headache and the beginnings of carpal tunnel. I’m left asking myself when I became such a fucking pussy.
Why I'm so confused for you, I have no answer boy
When I feel so used by you just like a toy
I’ve thought about it a lot; about whateverthefuck it is that makes me want him - still want him all the fucking time, even after all this bullshit. Every time I come up blank. He’s always just had this something - no he’s been this something that I need. It’s more than just phenomenal sex…..it’s….fuck. I don’t want to think about it.
It’s a shame that you don't care enough
To even give me half the love I give to you
I live for you, baby
Though thinking about the phenomenal sex, well I’m always ready for that. Thing is though, it’s been on the lackluster side lately. Still good, but not nearly as good as before. He’s been too busy giving his best somewhere else. Which is beyond fucking frustrating. He has no idea how many tricks I’ve blown off since I’ve known him just to get back here an fuck him, and only him. I don’t know how he can’t see that - see that and know….
I'm ashamed to say that I'm to blame for how you act
I know that his behavior is due in large part because of me. He’s got these needs, and I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to fulfill them. If we were in one of those disgusting mimicries of a hetero relationSHIT he wouldn’t be breaking our rules - his rules really. Mostly because in that scenario we wouldn’t have rules, and we’d be…..monog-…..no, I can’t even choke that word out in my head. So in a small way I can understand the behavior, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
Keep going in circles, circles
Round and round
And while you're doing me so wrong
I just keep holding you down
I feel so stupid, foolish
Loving you this way
But what I can I say
But I wanna go
I wanna go
But I keep coming back
I can hear the loft door slide open. Hear the soft thuds as he takes of his shoes and jacket. He’s making his way toward the bedroom, so I close my eyes and feign sleep. He’s moving very slowly; quietly towards the bathroom. And there it is. The shower. He’ll come to bed in about five minutes after he’s washed off all traces that he’s been with him. And you know what will happen? I’ll pretend to wake up, we’ll fuck - and it’ll be good but not great, then we’ll go to sleep; on opposite sides of the bed. I’ll convince myself in the morning that I’m reading too much into shit and brush it off. But right now I feel like a fucking idiot. Yet I do nothing about it. Maybe one day he’ll leave, or I’ll get the balls to do something about this….but right now his gravity is too strong, and I’m more than a little weak when it comes to him.
Beta: none, all mistakes are mine
Genre: Song!fic inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's "Holding You Down"
Time-Frame: S2 before Brian finds out who Justin's been seeing.
Warnings: Spoilers for S2
Summary: Brian's inner monologue one night while he's waiting up for Justin.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em && they aren't paying the rent. Strictly an obsession.
Why can’t I find somebody else
When I know, know that you're doing wrong
It’s so hard, hard to let go
Another night in early from Babylon and I’m lying here on the bed; allowing myself to actually think about all of this. I know he’s off somewhere; somewhere with him. No I don’t know exactly who ‘he’ is yet, but I know he exists. I can just feel it. One would think that I would be happy about this turn of events - but I’m the furthest thing from it. One would think that I could just go off and find another willing piece of ass to fuck and forget about - but I can’t. I can no easier let go than a planet can break the gravitational pull that the Sun has on it. I am so fucked.
I done went through just about two box of tissues baby
It seems like more often than not, Kleenex and my right hand have been my companion lately. No one remotely fuckable is enough to satisfy me. The only way I can seem to get off properly is by stroking myself while imagining Justin. This fucking kid has turned me into a goddamned lesbian. And the twat doesn’t even know what he’s done.
And you're looking at me like you ain't the issue baby
He just comes and goes, completely unaware of what he’s done to me - what he’s still doing to me. Everything is always my fault. Things I won’t give him; things I won’t allow myself to set in stone. Things I’m right to withhold because it would hur-….it would just make things so much worse than they already are right now. It would make the betrayal more intense. I’m already feeling all of this shit I don’t want to feel - I don’t need to fucking amplify it.
And though I tried to leave - I can’t stop missing you baby
And I keep coming, I keep coming back
I keep going in circles, circles
Round and round
And while you're doing me so wrong
I just keep holding you down
I’ve packed up his shit more than once; only to unpack it and put it back where it was all around the loft. But that’s only because by doing that it would say far too much. ‘I know. I know, and I’m a jealous bastard - so get the fuck out.’ Then on the other hand I can’t find the will to turn him out on the street. Sure, Deb would probably take him in…but I don’t like that scenario. Firstly, I would have to listen to her bitch me out for god knows how fucking long. And second, she would eventually figure it out and toss me that knowing look of hers - and that I surely don’t want to fucking deal with.
I feel so stupid, foolish
Loving you all this way
But what can I say
But I wanna go
I wanna go
But I keep coming back
And what does this cycle get me? Nothing. Nothing but one motherfucker of a headache and the beginnings of carpal tunnel. I’m left asking myself when I became such a fucking pussy.
Why I'm so confused for you, I have no answer boy
When I feel so used by you just like a toy
I’ve thought about it a lot; about whateverthefuck it is that makes me want him - still want him all the fucking time, even after all this bullshit. Every time I come up blank. He’s always just had this something - no he’s been this something that I need. It’s more than just phenomenal sex…..it’s….fuck. I don’t want to think about it.
It’s a shame that you don't care enough
To even give me half the love I give to you
I live for you, baby
Though thinking about the phenomenal sex, well I’m always ready for that. Thing is though, it’s been on the lackluster side lately. Still good, but not nearly as good as before. He’s been too busy giving his best somewhere else. Which is beyond fucking frustrating. He has no idea how many tricks I’ve blown off since I’ve known him just to get back here an fuck him, and only him. I don’t know how he can’t see that - see that and know….
I'm ashamed to say that I'm to blame for how you act
I know that his behavior is due in large part because of me. He’s got these needs, and I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to fulfill them. If we were in one of those disgusting mimicries of a hetero relationSHIT he wouldn’t be breaking our rules - his rules really. Mostly because in that scenario we wouldn’t have rules, and we’d be…..monog-…..no, I can’t even choke that word out in my head. So in a small way I can understand the behavior, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
Keep going in circles, circles
Round and round
And while you're doing me so wrong
I just keep holding you down
I feel so stupid, foolish
Loving you this way
But what I can I say
But I wanna go
I wanna go
But I keep coming back
I can hear the loft door slide open. Hear the soft thuds as he takes of his shoes and jacket. He’s making his way toward the bedroom, so I close my eyes and feign sleep. He’s moving very slowly; quietly towards the bathroom. And there it is. The shower. He’ll come to bed in about five minutes after he’s washed off all traces that he’s been with him. And you know what will happen? I’ll pretend to wake up, we’ll fuck - and it’ll be good but not great, then we’ll go to sleep; on opposite sides of the bed. I’ll convince myself in the morning that I’m reading too much into shit and brush it off. But right now I feel like a fucking idiot. Yet I do nothing about it. Maybe one day he’ll leave, or I’ll get the balls to do something about this….but right now his gravity is too strong, and I’m more than a little weak when it comes to him.