The Call and The Cry.
This is a cut and paste from my journal, but it is both about God and being Gay...so I thought it was relevant for the "Queer Atheist" group :-). Enjoy! And if anyone wants to add me on LJ, feel free. I mainly write "Friends Only Entries".
The Call and The Cry.
Yesterday, I got a call. It was from my step-father, who also got a call--a call from God. God came to my parents, probably through their fax line, and gave them a message: it was time to clean the house. Friends, I am not kidding you. My parents phoned me to say God has called them to clean their house, and they wanted to ask me if there was anything in the house I absolutely needed. Because, if I gave them the ok, they were going to pitch everything. Empty the basement out. Set it ablaze and sweep away the remaining ashes. God said, "CLEAN THAT BASEMENT, YE FOLLOWERS OF ME!" and with steadfast obedience they are faithfully obliging.
Being the incredibly cynical person I am, I asked the most daring and audacious question. That question was: "Umm...why?" Of course they responded, perplexed by my complex question, "We don't know the will of God, but we think He wants us to sell the house...AND MOVE TO IRELAND. But that's not certain yet. God hasn't revealed His whole plan. Right now, we know He wants us to clean the house." After a moment of silence, I referred them to a psychiatrist, but they didn't appreciate that.
Anyway, I have a story that likely no one will believe. Luckily, I have plenty of eye witnesses. Last night, for the first time in years, I did two horribly awful things: I broke a girls heart and I made her cry. Her name was Kirsten, a blond haired gal in her late 20's drinking wine at my bar. As we got to chatting, she mentioned she was single and made some ambiguous comments directed towards me. Of course I attempted to flame out (truly not a difficult task for me), and thought everything was taken care of. It was not. As she continued to drink wine, she became more flirtatious, even holding my hand at one point and telling me I was unbelievably handsome! The attraction turned out to be just plain creepy when she invited me her cottage in Maine. Of course I was flattered, but I tried my best to make it clear I was gay. I said, "Well if you're looking for ballers, you have come to the right place! All the men who come here have deep pockets!" She responded, "Oh, that's not what I'm looking for all!" And what did I say? With ostentatious wrist action and all, I said, "Well, honey, that's what I'm looking for!" She still didn't get it. So when I walked back into the kitchen, her friend leaned into the girl and said, "Can't you see he's gay?! Are you blind?" I know this because one of our employees was at the bar dining, and of course delivered the message to me.
I returned from the kitchen to see her eyes filled with tears and her friend hugging her. At this point I had no idea what was going on, so I just left them alone. It wasn't until they left--rather abruptly, too--that Joy, the undercover spy, told me that Kirsten was like, "But he's so cute! I just want to tell him how much I love him!" I am not shitting you. She said LOVE.
The boys in the kitchen could not have enough of it. My Chef de Cuisine, Bryan, said, "Wait, so there was a girl out there who didn't think you were gay enough?" And then Drew, a remarkably attractive guy, said, "How is it that I can't find ass in this city...and then you get it when you don't even want it?"
Though I felt sorry for her (though only remotely...you'd have to be blind and deaf to have no inclination that I'm gay), I think this is absolutely hilarious. Unprecedented, even. It's not often I'm playing the role of heartbreaker...much less when it's a woman's heart I'm breaking!
The Call and The Cry.
Yesterday, I got a call. It was from my step-father, who also got a call--a call from God. God came to my parents, probably through their fax line, and gave them a message: it was time to clean the house. Friends, I am not kidding you. My parents phoned me to say God has called them to clean their house, and they wanted to ask me if there was anything in the house I absolutely needed. Because, if I gave them the ok, they were going to pitch everything. Empty the basement out. Set it ablaze and sweep away the remaining ashes. God said, "CLEAN THAT BASEMENT, YE FOLLOWERS OF ME!" and with steadfast obedience they are faithfully obliging.
Being the incredibly cynical person I am, I asked the most daring and audacious question. That question was: "Umm...why?" Of course they responded, perplexed by my complex question, "We don't know the will of God, but we think He wants us to sell the house...AND MOVE TO IRELAND. But that's not certain yet. God hasn't revealed His whole plan. Right now, we know He wants us to clean the house." After a moment of silence, I referred them to a psychiatrist, but they didn't appreciate that.
Anyway, I have a story that likely no one will believe. Luckily, I have plenty of eye witnesses. Last night, for the first time in years, I did two horribly awful things: I broke a girls heart and I made her cry. Her name was Kirsten, a blond haired gal in her late 20's drinking wine at my bar. As we got to chatting, she mentioned she was single and made some ambiguous comments directed towards me. Of course I attempted to flame out (truly not a difficult task for me), and thought everything was taken care of. It was not. As she continued to drink wine, she became more flirtatious, even holding my hand at one point and telling me I was unbelievably handsome! The attraction turned out to be just plain creepy when she invited me her cottage in Maine. Of course I was flattered, but I tried my best to make it clear I was gay. I said, "Well if you're looking for ballers, you have come to the right place! All the men who come here have deep pockets!" She responded, "Oh, that's not what I'm looking for all!" And what did I say? With ostentatious wrist action and all, I said, "Well, honey, that's what I'm looking for!" She still didn't get it. So when I walked back into the kitchen, her friend leaned into the girl and said, "Can't you see he's gay?! Are you blind?" I know this because one of our employees was at the bar dining, and of course delivered the message to me.
I returned from the kitchen to see her eyes filled with tears and her friend hugging her. At this point I had no idea what was going on, so I just left them alone. It wasn't until they left--rather abruptly, too--that Joy, the undercover spy, told me that Kirsten was like, "But he's so cute! I just want to tell him how much I love him!" I am not shitting you. She said LOVE.
The boys in the kitchen could not have enough of it. My Chef de Cuisine, Bryan, said, "Wait, so there was a girl out there who didn't think you were gay enough?" And then Drew, a remarkably attractive guy, said, "How is it that I can't find ass in this city...and then you get it when you don't even want it?"
Though I felt sorry for her (though only remotely...you'd have to be blind and deaf to have no inclination that I'm gay), I think this is absolutely hilarious. Unprecedented, even. It's not often I'm playing the role of heartbreaker...much less when it's a woman's heart I'm breaking!