[For Roger] The Phantom of the Clinic
Brian had spent every night in the same place, hovering near the clinic, occasionally heading inside to watch Roger sleep. The few times Mark had seen him (when Mark himself hadn't been asleep, folded into uncomfortable-looking positions in one of the clinic chairs) the other man had thankfully left without a word, giving Brian a few minutes of privacy with the man who had come to mean so much to him, though he still couldn't say the words, not even to himself.
But what he couldn't say in words, he still felt keenly. It was what kept him coming back to this same place, night after night, to lean against the wall and watch Roger with an expression that anyone that knew him well enough would recognize: fear. The fear of losing someone else that mattered. This, this was why he preferred to keep himself locked away, not to let many close to the heart that was bigger than a lot of people ever realized. The pain of loss, the fear of it even, was all but unbearable to Brian. the physical and emotional pain inflicted by his uncaring parents over his lifetime was nothing compared to this, the possibility (and in Roger's case the certainty, sooner rather than later) of losing someone he truly cared about--someone he truly loved.
He'd already lost Michael this month, wasn't that enough? Did the cold, uncaring world that Brian had far too much experience with have to send him this reminder of Roger's imminent mortality, too?
That very same fear was why he never came during the day, why it'd taken unconsciousness (and a lovely bruise on his jaw) to get him up here in the first place, why he'd left as soon as he'd come to. Having someone else see the depth of his fear, the depth of his emotion for the man lying there in the bad, breathing labored...it was something Brian couldn't bear. Better to suffer in silence, where no one but the occasional doctor and the annoying best friend even knew of his presence. He was strong, he was confident and desirable and forever young and beautiful, and weakness...how many times had Jack told him weakness was for sissies? Enough times that it had become a part of him, never thought about, never examined, just there. If he was going to suffer, to hurt, to fear, to cry, it would be done in the dark, in the shadows of midnight and a sleeping clinic where no one else would know.
But what he couldn't say in words, he still felt keenly. It was what kept him coming back to this same place, night after night, to lean against the wall and watch Roger with an expression that anyone that knew him well enough would recognize: fear. The fear of losing someone else that mattered. This, this was why he preferred to keep himself locked away, not to let many close to the heart that was bigger than a lot of people ever realized. The pain of loss, the fear of it even, was all but unbearable to Brian. the physical and emotional pain inflicted by his uncaring parents over his lifetime was nothing compared to this, the possibility (and in Roger's case the certainty, sooner rather than later) of losing someone he truly cared about--someone he truly loved.
He'd already lost Michael this month, wasn't that enough? Did the cold, uncaring world that Brian had far too much experience with have to send him this reminder of Roger's imminent mortality, too?
That very same fear was why he never came during the day, why it'd taken unconsciousness (and a lovely bruise on his jaw) to get him up here in the first place, why he'd left as soon as he'd come to. Having someone else see the depth of his fear, the depth of his emotion for the man lying there in the bad, breathing labored...it was something Brian couldn't bear. Better to suffer in silence, where no one but the occasional doctor and the annoying best friend even knew of his presence. He was strong, he was confident and desirable and forever young and beautiful, and weakness...how many times had Jack told him weakness was for sissies? Enough times that it had become a part of him, never thought about, never examined, just there. If he was going to suffer, to hurt, to fear, to cry, it would be done in the dark, in the shadows of midnight and a sleeping clinic where no one else would know.