The Following is Absolutely Ridiculous
I originally wrote this for Mira's pickup line comment fic party. When I realized it was actually five pages, I thought to clean it up and post it as a crack/parody fic.
Title: Character Interview - Pickup Line Edition
Author: ninedaysaqueen
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of The Thief, The Queen of Attolia, The King of Attolia, A Conspiracy of Kings, nor of any characters, locations, and elephants contained within. All rights of the Queen's Thief series belong exclusively to Megan Whalen Turner and her respective publishers.
Spoilers: Books 1, 2, 3, and 4.
Rating: PG/K+ - For some mild reprobatish humor. After all... it is pickup lines.
Genre: Crack/Parody
Word Count: 800 (approximate) - Excluding author's notes.
Summary: Me asking the characters what their pickup line of choice would be. Yes, probably the most ridiculous I've ever written. Sometimes I surprise even myself.
Author's Note: Nahuserfish (AKA Nahuseresh) is the intellectual property of tiegirl.
Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady Jane: Okay, Okay. Everyone, if I could have your attention, please. Mira wants to know what all you guys' pickup line of choice would be.
Irene: Our what?
Sophos: This is an invasion of privacy!
Costis: What he said.
Dite: Exactly!
Magus: You must be joking.
MoW: ...
Gen: It could be fun.
Irene: *eye-roll*
Helen: Just give it a try, honey. Don't you have anything romantic to say to me?
Sophos: *blushes*
Nahuserfish: You're all just fortunate I'm here.
Everyone Else: Shut up!
Gen: Who invited him, anyways?
Nahuserfish: *shrugs in a superior manner*
Lady Jane: Okay, why don't you start, Nahuseresh? So that we can get rid of you quickly.
Nahuserfish: Alright... *clears throat* If you're really lucky... I'll let you oil my beard.
Gen: Oh no, you didn't!
Lady Jane: Ewww... Let's not go there.
Sophos: This is a promising start.
Irene: *smile* Aren't you concerned about what your lady might put in your hair oil?
Nahuserfish: ...
Lady Jane: Dite, you're next.
Dite: Who decides this order?
Lady Jane: It's alphabetical.
Dite: No it's not!
Sophos: He's right you know.
Helen: Honey...
Gen: Do what she says Dite. *winks*
Lady Jane: *winks back* Dite. Now.
Dite: *sighs* *clears throat* If it pleases Your Majesty... would you like... would you like to... to... tocomeovertomyplaceandlistentomynewsong!
Irene: ?
Dite: *head-desk*
Gen: *snicker*
Lady Jane: Your Majesty of Attolia. If you would?
Gen: (to Irene) My, that's a lovely dress you're wearing, my dear. Mind if I steal it later?
Everyone Else: GEN!
Gen: What? I thought you wanted us to have kids.
Irene: That doesn't mean you have to say it out loud.
Lady Jane: Okay, Gen's got a sick mind. Let's move on. Costis, please tell us your's.
Costis: (to Jade) Honey, I promise I'll watch the kids more.
Lady Jane: Costis, that's not a pickup line.
Gen: What's wrong with you?
Costis: I'm a married man. What do you expect?
Helen: *laughs*
MoW: ...
Lady Jane: Helen, it's your turn.
Helen: What happened to Dite?
Lady Jane: He left with Nahuserfish. Probably to go drown their sorrows.
Sophos: I might join them later...
Helen: Dear, it won't be that bad. Relax.
Sophos: *sigh*
Lady Jane: Helen, if you would?
Helen: (to Sophos) You know... we make the best sheets back in Eddis.
Sophos: *jaw drop*
Gen: *falls off his chair laughing*
Irene: *rubs temples*
Magus: *snicker*
Helen: What! That's basically what I said in that letter.
Lady Jane: Helen, you've been hanging around Gen too long.
Costis: What's with you Eddisians, anyway?
Gen: None your business.
MoW: ...
Lady Jane: Alright, moving on... Magus, please go ahead.
Magus: I don't even use Old Spice.
Everyone Else: ???
Lady Jane: The old book smell. I think...
Sophos: I don't know if that really gets the ladies' attention anymore there, Magus.
Gen: You're all horrible at this game. I'm gonna win.
Irene: This isn't a competition.
Lady Jane: My lady the queen, do you have anything to share?
Irene: Yes, actually. I've been wanting to try this for awhile.
Gen: *waits expectantly*
Irene: *walks to the center of the room* *long pause* *hair-flip*
Helen: *laughs*
Sophos: Oh, my.
Costis: ...
Gen: *sighs*
Helen: Costis, for a minute there you sounded like my uncle.
MoW: ...
Lady Jane: Now that will make any guy your slave. Alright, Sophos. You're up.
Helen: *turns and waits expectantly*
Sophos: I... Well... Umm... I don't really...
Helen: *whispers in his ear*
Sophos: *faints suddenly*
Lady Jane: Oh, dear.
Helen: Honey? Oh, come on. Be a man.
Magus: My king, are you all right?
Gen: Man out for the count.
MoW: ...
Lady Jane: Alright, last one. MoW what would you say to Gen's mother?
MoW: ...
Gen: Real surprise there.
Helen: Shocking.
Magus: Does anyone have any smelling salts?
Costis: I don't think he's gonna wake up anytime soon.
Irene: Unlikely.
Lady Jane: Okay, that's every-
Gen: Do I win?
Everyone Else: No!
Lady Jane: Sorry, Your Majesty, but this wasn't a game.
Irene: She never said it was.
Lady Jane. Well... We ended this with Sophos passed out. Dite and Nahuserfish getting drunk at the tavern. We know the Magus does not use Old Spice. Eddisians have sick minds. The MoW doesn't talk much, not that we didn't know that before, and Irene has a really mean hair flip. *winks at Irene*
Irene: *winks back*
Gen: Hey...
Lady Jane: Alright! This is the QT pickup line game signing off!
Gen: I thought you said it wasn't a game?
Everyone Else: Enough!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: So what if I have too much time on my hands? You know you laughed.
Thank you for reading,
Ninedaysaqueen