How many shit angsty poems is this going to sprout
Yeah, so. Nate got married. I can only guess it's to this girl he's been with since just before he left for Korea... while he was still in Florida. God, maybe if I had only somehow been able to get up there to see him when he asked... You know, I don't even know her real name, though I was able to deduce which was her myspace page. Yeah, real fucken smart over here. In all the talks he and I have had, he's never even said he loves her.. just "cares very much." I always found that curious. But nope. Married now. He said he couldn't be friends with me because of his 'feelings' (otherwise undefined) for me. There is no person in history that I have tried harder or longer to hate and/or forget. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
AND I JUST CANT SEEM TO DO IT. I dream about him constantly. *tears hair out* I even got a book on dream magic to help focus my subconscious elsewhere... fuck me, now my dreams are just more vivid. Why is he on my mind so much? I've dated other guys since he and I reconnected; I mean, they were all fine, but... not for me. I mean, it's plain that I need something to escape to, but I have my books and TV and iPod and computer... *sighs* Nothing makes me feel like he does, though.
I seriously thought he'd be my Robert, a la my mother... it was shaping up that way. Well, Robert did get married, even had a child... God WHY am I already trying to mentally make this work again? I mean, when I first heard it, the evil part of me immediately said, "Yeah, that's not gonna last." The part of me that loves him still said, "As long as he's really happy..." And the rest of me is just fucking pissed and deflated. And THIS right on top of finding out that maybe Kendo in Sarasota is cancelled!! My ONE outlet, the ONE new thing in my life that I'm excited about, it might be gone too? What and/or HOW MUCH ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE? I mean, this would suck no matter what, but on top of what I put up with day by fucking day? Remember the "Plus-a-headache" theory, re George Carlin? Well, I had the headache to begin with! So what the fuck? How does that screw with the 'it can't get any worse' paradigm?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.
AND I JUST CANT SEEM TO DO IT. I dream about him constantly. *tears hair out* I even got a book on dream magic to help focus my subconscious elsewhere... fuck me, now my dreams are just more vivid. Why is he on my mind so much? I've dated other guys since he and I reconnected; I mean, they were all fine, but... not for me. I mean, it's plain that I need something to escape to, but I have my books and TV and iPod and computer... *sighs* Nothing makes me feel like he does, though.
I seriously thought he'd be my Robert, a la my mother... it was shaping up that way. Well, Robert did get married, even had a child... God WHY am I already trying to mentally make this work again? I mean, when I first heard it, the evil part of me immediately said, "Yeah, that's not gonna last." The part of me that loves him still said, "As long as he's really happy..." And the rest of me is just fucking pissed and deflated. And THIS right on top of finding out that maybe Kendo in Sarasota is cancelled!! My ONE outlet, the ONE new thing in my life that I'm excited about, it might be gone too? What and/or HOW MUCH ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE? I mean, this would suck no matter what, but on top of what I put up with day by fucking day? Remember the "Plus-a-headache" theory, re George Carlin? Well, I had the headache to begin with! So what the fuck? How does that screw with the 'it can't get any worse' paradigm?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.