Skip this if you don't really give a shit
I'm not going to die! Not any time soon. I'm not totally out of the woods yet... I've still got stuff to do. And I still have the migraines to deal with... but the risk of imminent painful death by cancer in my lady regions.
I had a sushi and sake night when I got home after hearing the news... (Wait? Did I actually already post about this? It would take two clicks to find out... but nope, too lazy)
And I just about had a total fucking breakdown. (This was before I'd finished AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PLUM SAKE). I was so worried... but I didn't let myself realize I'd been worried. I didn't let myself feel the fear I had. Because I didn't want my mom to freak out any more than she already was... And Goddamn it, this is it, this is what I always do, this is what I've always done. I'm the goddamned adult in this relationship, and my mom's the fucking child. I have to get HER ass up on time, I make HER her fucking breakfast and LAY OUT HER FUCKING CLOTHES FOR HER (even in the order that you put them on) I put her shoes on her goddamned feet, I drag her by the HAIR and she STILL can't get me to my goddamned appointment on time! TWICE! TWICE she was so goddamned caught up in watching the fucking Jewelry Channel or OH NO SHE CANT FIND HER KEYS so she comes tearing into my room bawling like a newborn and me, shaking in a seizure, CALM HER FUCKING ASS DOWN and point out that HER KEYS ARE IN HER GODDAMNED HAND and what, I was supposed to keep track of the time? I was UNCONSCIOUS. PASSED OUT. NONRESPONSIVE. PUPILS FIXED AND DIALATED. But I was supposed to keep track of the time. She spent a half a goddamned hour making a cup of coffee, when we were just supposed to go home to pick up some paperwork for the doc, I had an attack and had to lie down, but she couldn't do me the simple favor of WATCHING THE CLOCK and getting me into the car in the time we needed... TWICE she couldn't make it to the doctor on time, the doctor who was going to tell me if the abnormal ultrasound was just a testing error or if I had a month to live. The only way I made it there this time was because I fucking lied to her about the appointment time, I told her it was a half-hour earlier than it really was... and of course, she was SO LATE for the fake appointment time that I barely made it to the real one.
I've been out of all of my medication for over a week now. I spent all my money on the Doc and THOSE scripts, and she gives me fucking guilt about having to pay for my monthly meds. Which she's supposed to pay for anyway. Which I went to the doctor for SPECIFICALLY to rearrange my entire regimen to cut down the number of my scripts from fifteen to two. Fifteen to two. (This also has to do with the fact that the majority of those weren't doing anything for me anyway, AND that my insurance copay per script almost doubled overnight with the coming of the New Year.)
What. Am I. Supposed. To Do.
I need to get some bloodwork done.
That rant helped a little... but Kendo tonight and therapy tomorrow and my meds in me finally and I'll be feeling better, back to my old self. Witty, charming, and repressed.
Excuse me, I'm going to go whack things with a stick. Heh, I'm such a new kendoka, I only know the footwork and one strike-- men, the head-- but I practice relentlessly. Sensei says that I'm one of the best students he's had since he started teaching (*blush*!!!!), because I pick things up so quickly (with all the dance and skating training, of course I can pick up footwork quickly), but I've only had three classes, so I only know a few things... But I practice practice practice! And I love it! Most times, practice is drudgery... there have only been a few things in my life that I've truly loved
And my mom doesn't want to take me. Because she's had a bad day. And because I didn't "fufill my obligations" by not finishing the pots and pans when I did the dishes and by not arranging the flowers I asked if I could maybe try to do, which then of course meant it was my divine obligation.
I hate this. I'm crying and upset because she's punishing me by not taking me to kendo, and she says, 'Can't you take a little disappointment a little better?' If I weren't living it but watching it onscreen, it would be hilarious. But it's not, it's .... it's ... I'm so angry.
I had a sushi and sake night when I got home after hearing the news... (Wait? Did I actually already post about this? It would take two clicks to find out... but nope, too lazy)
And I just about had a total fucking breakdown. (This was before I'd finished AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PLUM SAKE). I was so worried... but I didn't let myself realize I'd been worried. I didn't let myself feel the fear I had. Because I didn't want my mom to freak out any more than she already was... And Goddamn it, this is it, this is what I always do, this is what I've always done. I'm the goddamned adult in this relationship, and my mom's the fucking child. I have to get HER ass up on time, I make HER her fucking breakfast and LAY OUT HER FUCKING CLOTHES FOR HER (even in the order that you put them on) I put her shoes on her goddamned feet, I drag her by the HAIR and she STILL can't get me to my goddamned appointment on time! TWICE! TWICE she was so goddamned caught up in watching the fucking Jewelry Channel or OH NO SHE CANT FIND HER KEYS so she comes tearing into my room bawling like a newborn and me, shaking in a seizure, CALM HER FUCKING ASS DOWN and point out that HER KEYS ARE IN HER GODDAMNED HAND and what, I was supposed to keep track of the time? I was UNCONSCIOUS. PASSED OUT. NONRESPONSIVE. PUPILS FIXED AND DIALATED. But I was supposed to keep track of the time. She spent a half a goddamned hour making a cup of coffee, when we were just supposed to go home to pick up some paperwork for the doc, I had an attack and had to lie down, but she couldn't do me the simple favor of WATCHING THE CLOCK and getting me into the car in the time we needed... TWICE she couldn't make it to the doctor on time, the doctor who was going to tell me if the abnormal ultrasound was just a testing error or if I had a month to live. The only way I made it there this time was because I fucking lied to her about the appointment time, I told her it was a half-hour earlier than it really was... and of course, she was SO LATE for the fake appointment time that I barely made it to the real one.
I've been out of all of my medication for over a week now. I spent all my money on the Doc and THOSE scripts, and she gives me fucking guilt about having to pay for my monthly meds. Which she's supposed to pay for anyway. Which I went to the doctor for SPECIFICALLY to rearrange my entire regimen to cut down the number of my scripts from fifteen to two. Fifteen to two. (This also has to do with the fact that the majority of those weren't doing anything for me anyway, AND that my insurance copay per script almost doubled overnight with the coming of the New Year.)
What. Am I. Supposed. To Do.
I need to get some bloodwork done.
That rant helped a little... but Kendo tonight and therapy tomorrow and my meds in me finally and I'll be feeling better, back to my old self. Witty, charming, and repressed.
Excuse me, I'm going to go whack things with a stick. Heh, I'm such a new kendoka, I only know the footwork and one strike-- men, the head-- but I practice relentlessly. Sensei says that I'm one of the best students he's had since he started teaching (*blush*!!!!), because I pick things up so quickly (with all the dance and skating training, of course I can pick up footwork quickly), but I've only had three classes, so I only know a few things... But I practice practice practice! And I love it! Most times, practice is drudgery... there have only been a few things in my life that I've truly loved
And my mom doesn't want to take me. Because she's had a bad day. And because I didn't "fufill my obligations" by not finishing the pots and pans when I did the dishes and by not arranging the flowers I asked if I could maybe try to do, which then of course meant it was my divine obligation.
I hate this. I'm crying and upset because she's punishing me by not taking me to kendo, and she says, 'Can't you take a little disappointment a little better?' If I weren't living it but watching it onscreen, it would be hilarious. But it's not, it's .... it's ... I'm so angry.