sorry, this is such a long post
My brother has had enough of California. So have I, but he is fortunate enough to be able to disappear up north, where he feels at home. I don't really feel like I have a home here. I have a life here, but I know how my brother feels. Everyday is a terrible mistake in waking up, thinking about what the fuck is happening around you, and then realizing that you hate it. You fucking hate it because its not what you want. It is not what was expected as a kid. Simple thoughts were the best thoughts, and the innocence had fooled us into thinking that as life progresses, everything will be fine, and you will love and people will love you. Though some of it comes true, it doesn't reach the expectations that you find yourself wallowing in as you grow up. I haven't felt fond, or good, about what I've been doing for so long, and all I've come up with are quick and temporary fixes that passes, just as everything else does. I've buried myself in innebriation just to get out of my own thoughts, but they don't leave and no matter how much I try and try and try to suppress them, get rid of them, or run away with them, they come back to me. Whether if I am at work, with my friends, or trying to get some fucking sleep. I just want to sleep everything away. how can the weight of the world be at your shoulders while you're lying down? exactly it can't be. therefore, i attempt to put myself in a state of temporary comatose, but they keep coming back. those damn thoughts. With all of this, I have been rather negligent towards people and things I honestly cared, and would give my life up for. I don't have any quick fix for that.
I think its really funny that if someone were to talk to me about this, they could say "put that in your pipe and smoke it."
I am sorry to be posting so much if i am, i feel like such a bastard when i do that.
Lately, I've been feeling pretty lousy, as far as being me goes. I feel awfully lonesome all the time. Not like, I don't have anyone to hangout with or anything. I guess, its more like, ummm, I want to be with someone, and I want someone to want to be with me. Celibacy sucks. So I am not going to to that anymore. If anyone right at this moment (5:50:28) is with their loved one, then I want you to know that I envy that, and also fuck you. I guess I just feel more...fine, when I have someone. But I don't want to have someone and totally do what I always do. I actually want to be in one of those normal relationships. I want to go out on dates, and dress up all nice and go to restuarants and movies and stuff. But i guess i am just saying that now.
On that not I've decided that I am only going to go out with a girl who will make me a mix tape/CD. And I would totally marry any girl who would put my favorite Maritime song on their, even though The Promise Ring is sooooooooo much better.
There was a fire at work today, I helped put it out. One of the older (really old) guys at work asked me if i was smoking a bong inside the big machine. I thought it was really funny...they're catching on to me
oh yeah, yesterday i went to the most depressing place (foothill) to go register for classes, we'll see how that idea holds up in a week.
I still have time, I still have time
only to decide
if what i want
is what i once had, a thing of the past
I think its really funny that if someone were to talk to me about this, they could say "put that in your pipe and smoke it."
I am sorry to be posting so much if i am, i feel like such a bastard when i do that.
Lately, I've been feeling pretty lousy, as far as being me goes. I feel awfully lonesome all the time. Not like, I don't have anyone to hangout with or anything. I guess, its more like, ummm, I want to be with someone, and I want someone to want to be with me. Celibacy sucks. So I am not going to to that anymore. If anyone right at this moment (5:50:28) is with their loved one, then I want you to know that I envy that, and also fuck you. I guess I just feel more...fine, when I have someone. But I don't want to have someone and totally do what I always do. I actually want to be in one of those normal relationships. I want to go out on dates, and dress up all nice and go to restuarants and movies and stuff. But i guess i am just saying that now.
On that not I've decided that I am only going to go out with a girl who will make me a mix tape/CD. And I would totally marry any girl who would put my favorite Maritime song on their, even though The Promise Ring is sooooooooo much better.
There was a fire at work today, I helped put it out. One of the older (really old) guys at work asked me if i was smoking a bong inside the big machine. I thought it was really funny...they're catching on to me
oh yeah, yesterday i went to the most depressing place (foothill) to go register for classes, we'll see how that idea holds up in a week.
I still have time, I still have time
only to decide
if what i want
is what i once had, a thing of the past