(no subject)
Ok, I'm a little paranoid about people being able to find my lj, so I'm trying to set myself some limits before I start ranting about things I wouldn't say out loud. This is one of the many times when I feel like paranoia is totally justified...but only because I'm a terrible person.
Has anyone ever, when you were feeling shy/attending middle school, given you that speech about how everyone else is so worried about what you are thinking of them that they don't actually have time to think mean or judgmental things about you? As a quiet child, I got that speech a lot, and I have some problems with it. The main was that I know for a fact that while I spend a significant amount of my time worrying about what other people are thinking about me, I spend even more time judging them. And I'm not alone.
As a general rule, the more insecure a person is the more they judge others. It's a defense mechanism. It's a calming technique. It's how I know, when I'm around a lot of insecure people, or just one person up close, that they are keeping up a steady stream of, probably negative, thoughts about me. It's irksome, not the least because it's something that it's hard to call people on. If you suddenly throw down you broom and scream "I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT ME! I CAN HEAR YOU! STOP IT!" you sound like you're fucking insane.
And, if you think that tactic is going to work for you, you probably are insane, or at least a little unhinged.
For this reason I am afraid that if someone hears that I have an lj, or even just suspects it, they might google live journal and a couple of my interests and very easily find me. To non-stalkers I know that sounds paranoid to the point of arrogance--who would go to that much trouble to find out things I won't say to their face?
But the thing is: I've done it, and I know other people who do it or things like it.
Think hard: how far have you gone to figure stuff out about someone you wanted to impress, a crush maybe, or a colleague, or an old school friend? Reading a paper they published--well, they want people to read that. And looking through their face book profile--they put that information up themselves, so it's harmless. And when you click on the home button your news fed pops up automatically: is it your fault he and his friend are having a conversation right there on the screen in front of you? What a crazy coincidence! Are they talking about Iron Man II? Maybe you should read up on that. Movie reviews can be so confusing; you should just see what he said.
Fail.
For me the only thing to do is accept that 1)there are no secrets on the internet and 2)there is a difference between what you think and what you say out loud.
For instance: say I have a housemate--let's call her Elise-- who I think can be a little bossy sometimes. I recognize that there is cleaning we need to do and I appreciate how hard she is willing to work. However, when she works she seems to become short tempered and makes many disparaging comments about the state of the house which sometimes hurt my feelings because my previous housemate and I were working so hard before Elise got here.
Even in that very cleaned up version I feel like saying that outright to Elise would mean we were embarking on a real social journey together. In the best case Elise would hear what I was trying to say, would not have realized she was being a bit negative, or that it's hard for me to hear things like that when I'm working, and we would both try to approach work from then on with, (for me,) a bit more motivation and, (for her,) a sunnier outlook. In the worst case her hard, tough exterior would get the better of her, she would sideline my complaints as me being lazy and/or ditsy like Amy (with whom she never got along,) and things would continue as they are, made just a little worse by the fact that I would no longer have a plan.
Obviously, especially as we are pretty cut off from anyone else where we are, I don't want to take this too lightly. Writing things down, as I have done above, is a good step in between thinking and talking--and it should be read as such. If I don't say something to a person's face it's because I recognize that those are just feelings I am experiencing, that the person can't help me with or change.
The things that go through my head are not always that fair, and sometimes involve a lot of foul and very aggressive language. Saying those things out loud would be an act in and of itself, and one that I would hold myself responsible for. To demand that someone tell you exatly what they're thinking or feeling--or to look upon them as disingenuous or cowardly if they do not is a huge mistake.
A whiny, self-important part of me might say that Elise is a bossy bitch who dominates situations even though she doesn't know what she's doing, a spiteful part of me adds in, totally irrelevant to the conflict, that Elise is triangle shaped and has no chin, making me doubt all the stories she tells about guys checking her out and hitting on her.
I could never respect myself if I were the kind of person who said things like that out loud. I don't care if there are some people who don't respect that; it's me I'm going to have to life with for the rest of my life.
...in other news: drunk Italians need to stop looking for me and stay the Hell out of my library.
Has anyone ever, when you were feeling shy/attending middle school, given you that speech about how everyone else is so worried about what you are thinking of them that they don't actually have time to think mean or judgmental things about you? As a quiet child, I got that speech a lot, and I have some problems with it. The main was that I know for a fact that while I spend a significant amount of my time worrying about what other people are thinking about me, I spend even more time judging them. And I'm not alone.
As a general rule, the more insecure a person is the more they judge others. It's a defense mechanism. It's a calming technique. It's how I know, when I'm around a lot of insecure people, or just one person up close, that they are keeping up a steady stream of, probably negative, thoughts about me. It's irksome, not the least because it's something that it's hard to call people on. If you suddenly throw down you broom and scream "I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT ME! I CAN HEAR YOU! STOP IT!" you sound like you're fucking insane.
And, if you think that tactic is going to work for you, you probably are insane, or at least a little unhinged.
For this reason I am afraid that if someone hears that I have an lj, or even just suspects it, they might google live journal and a couple of my interests and very easily find me. To non-stalkers I know that sounds paranoid to the point of arrogance--who would go to that much trouble to find out things I won't say to their face?
But the thing is: I've done it, and I know other people who do it or things like it.
Think hard: how far have you gone to figure stuff out about someone you wanted to impress, a crush maybe, or a colleague, or an old school friend? Reading a paper they published--well, they want people to read that. And looking through their face book profile--they put that information up themselves, so it's harmless. And when you click on the home button your news fed pops up automatically: is it your fault he and his friend are having a conversation right there on the screen in front of you? What a crazy coincidence! Are they talking about Iron Man II? Maybe you should read up on that. Movie reviews can be so confusing; you should just see what he said.
Fail.
For me the only thing to do is accept that 1)there are no secrets on the internet and 2)there is a difference between what you think and what you say out loud.
For instance: say I have a housemate--let's call her Elise-- who I think can be a little bossy sometimes. I recognize that there is cleaning we need to do and I appreciate how hard she is willing to work. However, when she works she seems to become short tempered and makes many disparaging comments about the state of the house which sometimes hurt my feelings because my previous housemate and I were working so hard before Elise got here.
Even in that very cleaned up version I feel like saying that outright to Elise would mean we were embarking on a real social journey together. In the best case Elise would hear what I was trying to say, would not have realized she was being a bit negative, or that it's hard for me to hear things like that when I'm working, and we would both try to approach work from then on with, (for me,) a bit more motivation and, (for her,) a sunnier outlook. In the worst case her hard, tough exterior would get the better of her, she would sideline my complaints as me being lazy and/or ditsy like Amy (with whom she never got along,) and things would continue as they are, made just a little worse by the fact that I would no longer have a plan.
Obviously, especially as we are pretty cut off from anyone else where we are, I don't want to take this too lightly. Writing things down, as I have done above, is a good step in between thinking and talking--and it should be read as such. If I don't say something to a person's face it's because I recognize that those are just feelings I am experiencing, that the person can't help me with or change.
The things that go through my head are not always that fair, and sometimes involve a lot of foul and very aggressive language. Saying those things out loud would be an act in and of itself, and one that I would hold myself responsible for. To demand that someone tell you exatly what they're thinking or feeling--or to look upon them as disingenuous or cowardly if they do not is a huge mistake.
A whiny, self-important part of me might say that Elise is a bossy bitch who dominates situations even though she doesn't know what she's doing, a spiteful part of me adds in, totally irrelevant to the conflict, that Elise is triangle shaped and has no chin, making me doubt all the stories she tells about guys checking her out and hitting on her.
I could never respect myself if I were the kind of person who said things like that out loud. I don't care if there are some people who don't respect that; it's me I'm going to have to life with for the rest of my life.
...in other news: drunk Italians need to stop looking for me and stay the Hell out of my library.