(no subject)
I really don't know what to say in this stupid thing anymore. This is kinda redundant since half the things I say I don't really mean, and the other half is depressing and not worth the effort to read.
I guess things are going ok, just missing my college buddies. I'm starting to realize how different my life is now. I can't even relate to any of my high school friends anymore because I've experienced so much and can't even say half the things I want to say because I'll just sound like a total idiot to them. They just don't understand.
I know I'm not going to get what I want for Christmas this year. I never get what I want. It's not exactly their fault. I don't even know what I want. I just want....something. Checks and money are good but it doesn't seem like the right way to bring a little Christmas cheer into a person. "Here, have a nice fat wad of cash because I'm too lazy to go out and get you something meaningful and personal." And then I'm supposed to be grateful for it. Now I don't even get that anymore. No presents for me this year. I'm not even joking. No presents. HA! whats a present anyhow? I don't need fucking presents. I can go out and find my own Christmas. Yeah right, I'm not that clever.
No I'm not that depressed. I'm just angry that my family doesn't even notice me anymore. I got good grades, the female lead in a show without anyones help and they still treat me like shit. Like I'm fucking nothing. All these presents under the tree and none of them are for me. None! It really shouldn't matter to me anymore and I feel like such a baby everytime i think about it. But why does everyone else get presents and I don't? What the hell did I do?
I don't know. I'm just ranting. It's hard not feeling loved. Especially around this time of year. Everything is so perfect here. But I'm not. It's all an illusion of perfection. I don't belong in this perfect house, in this perfect neighborhood, with perfect families and perfect lives. Because my life is not perfect and I'm sick and tired of all this perfection laughing at me in my face, teasing me taunting me. "You will never be what you see."
I'm alone, I'm nothing, I don't exist.
I know I have friends that love me and care for me. I know that I'm really not alone. But it doesn't exclude the fact that I still feel that way. I just don't understand.
I guess things are going ok, just missing my college buddies. I'm starting to realize how different my life is now. I can't even relate to any of my high school friends anymore because I've experienced so much and can't even say half the things I want to say because I'll just sound like a total idiot to them. They just don't understand.
I know I'm not going to get what I want for Christmas this year. I never get what I want. It's not exactly their fault. I don't even know what I want. I just want....something. Checks and money are good but it doesn't seem like the right way to bring a little Christmas cheer into a person. "Here, have a nice fat wad of cash because I'm too lazy to go out and get you something meaningful and personal." And then I'm supposed to be grateful for it. Now I don't even get that anymore. No presents for me this year. I'm not even joking. No presents. HA! whats a present anyhow? I don't need fucking presents. I can go out and find my own Christmas. Yeah right, I'm not that clever.
No I'm not that depressed. I'm just angry that my family doesn't even notice me anymore. I got good grades, the female lead in a show without anyones help and they still treat me like shit. Like I'm fucking nothing. All these presents under the tree and none of them are for me. None! It really shouldn't matter to me anymore and I feel like such a baby everytime i think about it. But why does everyone else get presents and I don't? What the hell did I do?
I don't know. I'm just ranting. It's hard not feeling loved. Especially around this time of year. Everything is so perfect here. But I'm not. It's all an illusion of perfection. I don't belong in this perfect house, in this perfect neighborhood, with perfect families and perfect lives. Because my life is not perfect and I'm sick and tired of all this perfection laughing at me in my face, teasing me taunting me. "You will never be what you see."
I'm alone, I'm nothing, I don't exist.
I know I have friends that love me and care for me. I know that I'm really not alone. But it doesn't exclude the fact that I still feel that way. I just don't understand.