Let the good times roll....(yeah i don't know where that came from)
SB is almost over, and Laura goes back to Sewanee.
I think that this is the first time that I haven't been THAT sad about going back. I mean, I have a month and a half left there (most likely) and want to make the absolute most of my time with my friends and surroundings there. I want to squeeze the life right out of that place!!! I want to become even closer to my current friends, nto meet that many new people, party (but not as hard as I have been), go hiking, and most importantly, LET MYSELF BE HAPPY. Subconsciously, I think that I don't deserve happiness to a certain extent. Of course I want it, but both my mom and Daniel have both said in the past week that I just don't let myself be happy...I"ll be "happy" for about two weeks or so, then find some miniscule thing to worry about or something to excuse myself from being happy. Daniel said that he even PREPARES for my emotional breakdowns which usually result from this process, which happen almost on schedule, every 1 1/2 to 2 months. I can't remember teh last time that I've been happy without limitation. Probably sophomore year of high school.
I went off anti-depressants. I've been taking them since my junior year of high school, and am tired of feeling numb. They make me so freaking numb. I think that it is a subtle numb, but as I've looked back at my past few years, I've noticed that i've never felt more alive, energetic, adn motivated as i do now. i'm excited about that. i have been working so hard in school, work out almost daily, and really and truly pay attention to what's around me. I don't zone out into my dream world anymore, which i have done continually for as long as i can remember, for nearly 20 minutes at a time. scary. basically, i don't want my happiness to be fake or from a drug. i want to be happy just as me, secure as ME, content as ME. i want to separate myself from what makes me comfortable...daniel, friends, alcohol...whatever can affect my happiness right now. not ditching them, but realizing that these things do change and that it is up to me to be the most comfortable and secure with myself to be happy without them. i've done a lot of thiniking this spring break.
omg. i love chapel hill, by the way. so much opportunity, so many people, so BIG and bustling and lively, exactly what i'm looking for. so much to study, which is good b/c i have no idea what i want to do. i already have a group of friends there that i could fit right into. wonderful food in the cafeteria...franklin st. is fun. of course, there are thinsg about sewanee that i will miss. the mountains, the depot, my wonderful friends, cheap beer, fun frat parties (i hear the ones at chill hill suck), the small classes. but i think that this will be the best place for me.
North won the state finals for basketball!!! WOohoooooo!!!. I also had a blast at elon on saturday after teh game. If i don't get into chapel hill, which i find out on april 25th, elon wil lbe a great back up.
love.
I think that this is the first time that I haven't been THAT sad about going back. I mean, I have a month and a half left there (most likely) and want to make the absolute most of my time with my friends and surroundings there. I want to squeeze the life right out of that place!!! I want to become even closer to my current friends, nto meet that many new people, party (but not as hard as I have been), go hiking, and most importantly, LET MYSELF BE HAPPY. Subconsciously, I think that I don't deserve happiness to a certain extent. Of course I want it, but both my mom and Daniel have both said in the past week that I just don't let myself be happy...I"ll be "happy" for about two weeks or so, then find some miniscule thing to worry about or something to excuse myself from being happy. Daniel said that he even PREPARES for my emotional breakdowns which usually result from this process, which happen almost on schedule, every 1 1/2 to 2 months. I can't remember teh last time that I've been happy without limitation. Probably sophomore year of high school.
I went off anti-depressants. I've been taking them since my junior year of high school, and am tired of feeling numb. They make me so freaking numb. I think that it is a subtle numb, but as I've looked back at my past few years, I've noticed that i've never felt more alive, energetic, adn motivated as i do now. i'm excited about that. i have been working so hard in school, work out almost daily, and really and truly pay attention to what's around me. I don't zone out into my dream world anymore, which i have done continually for as long as i can remember, for nearly 20 minutes at a time. scary. basically, i don't want my happiness to be fake or from a drug. i want to be happy just as me, secure as ME, content as ME. i want to separate myself from what makes me comfortable...daniel, friends, alcohol...whatever can affect my happiness right now. not ditching them, but realizing that these things do change and that it is up to me to be the most comfortable and secure with myself to be happy without them. i've done a lot of thiniking this spring break.
omg. i love chapel hill, by the way. so much opportunity, so many people, so BIG and bustling and lively, exactly what i'm looking for. so much to study, which is good b/c i have no idea what i want to do. i already have a group of friends there that i could fit right into. wonderful food in the cafeteria...franklin st. is fun. of course, there are thinsg about sewanee that i will miss. the mountains, the depot, my wonderful friends, cheap beer, fun frat parties (i hear the ones at chill hill suck), the small classes. but i think that this will be the best place for me.
North won the state finals for basketball!!! WOohoooooo!!!. I also had a blast at elon on saturday after teh game. If i don't get into chapel hill, which i find out on april 25th, elon wil lbe a great back up.
love.