(no subject)
I thought this article made a lot of sense, especially in my dating life.
Let's get physical
Mariella Frostrup
Sunday October 7, 2007
The Observer
The dilemma
My best friend has never had a boyfriend, barely even a 'special someone'. Because she has many friends and a lively social life, I never thought this really bothered her. However, recently at a wedding she got drunk and emotional and admitted that seeing her friends in relationships caused her a great deal of pain, and that she was still hurt over a married man she had fallen (unrequitedly) in love with a few years ago. I was ashamed for never realising this. She also said that although she realised how 'stupid' it was, she fell for any man who paid her attention or flirted with her, then got extremely upset when nothing came of it. She feels there is something about her that simply makes her 'not the sort of person people fall for'. And although she is fun-loving, easy to get along with and gorgeous, I did know what she meant. Because if it had been any other girlfriend crying in front of me, I'd have hugged them, held their hand and generally tried to comfort them. But because it was her, something stopped me and I was reduced to just awkwardly sitting with her. Is there a way I can help her break down these barriers around her?
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Mariella: She certainly sounds like she could do with a good hug and, frankly, these days who couldn't? It's no wonder a director like Richard Curtis, who knows how to wring a tear from his audience, shows such cinematic addiction to the shabby hospitality of the airports arrival hall. How often does his camera linger on the happy faces of travellers wrapped in the welcoming arms of those for whom a safe return is the best reward? The sign of fellow humans locked in loving physical embrace, a display of affection unique to the Homo sapiens species, is enough to melt even the stoniest heart. Who among us doesn't feel a little bit wobbly when someone is moved to express their feelings towards us in a hearty clinch?
In many ways, watching human beings love each other, and I don't mean in an X-rated fashion, is the closest we get to understanding the glory of mankind. It's amazing how often an outward manifestation of affection can dissolve an argument, solve a stand-off or melt a seemingly stony heart. When European-style kissing flew in with the New Age Nineties, it briefly seemed possible that we were en route to becoming a more touchy-feely society. That physical Utopia failed to materialise, of course, and nowadays kissing someone on the cheek is as unlikely to denote true affection as finding yourself pelvis-to-pelvis on the tube. If you are old and alone and the recipient of an unsolicited hug, it's likely to be from someone trying to nick your handbag or relieve you of your phone.
That's the reality for many single people, too, and in a certain age group the explanation for such heightened levels of casual sex. Ironically, it's much easier in these sexualised days to get full-on intercourse than an expression of tenderness and affection. If you're a physically expressive person, or have a partner, children or close family, it's easy to forget how many single people there are who just long to be touched. It always strikes me most poignantly with older people who live alone. The lucky ones rely on grandchildren to clamber all over them and remind them of what another person's skin feels like next to theirs. But the old aren't the only group starved of physical affection. Your girlfriend could well be experiencing a heartfelt desire to be touched. If someone as close to her as you has reservations about giving her a comforting squeeze, it's unlikely that she's getting better treatment elsewhere. Something this seemingly insignificant can be a major contributor to all kinds of emotional woes. A yearning to be touched can compel a person towards the wrong sort of partner, contribute to them misreading signals and ultimately damage their hopes of relationship happiness.
The details you give in your letter are sketchy, but I suspect it would take very little warmth indeed to thaw your ice queen pal, and that's exactly her problem. Under her wafer-thin veneer beats a bubbling cauldron of desire for human interaction of a less cerebral kind. As her friend, it is worth trying to get below that frosty surface and thawing her out a bit. Even if it feels awkward, do start giving her hugs, grabbing her hand and showering her with a degree of warmth you might not normally expend on her. Confidence, security and a degree of self-contentment all contribute to making someone desirable. The more she feels secure in herself and loved by those around her, the clearer her attributes will become and the more likely she is to find someone.
· If you, too, have a dilemma, email mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk
Let's get physical
Mariella Frostrup
Sunday October 7, 2007
The Observer
The dilemma
My best friend has never had a boyfriend, barely even a 'special someone'. Because she has many friends and a lively social life, I never thought this really bothered her. However, recently at a wedding she got drunk and emotional and admitted that seeing her friends in relationships caused her a great deal of pain, and that she was still hurt over a married man she had fallen (unrequitedly) in love with a few years ago. I was ashamed for never realising this. She also said that although she realised how 'stupid' it was, she fell for any man who paid her attention or flirted with her, then got extremely upset when nothing came of it. She feels there is something about her that simply makes her 'not the sort of person people fall for'. And although she is fun-loving, easy to get along with and gorgeous, I did know what she meant. Because if it had been any other girlfriend crying in front of me, I'd have hugged them, held their hand and generally tried to comfort them. But because it was her, something stopped me and I was reduced to just awkwardly sitting with her. Is there a way I can help her break down these barriers around her?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mariella: She certainly sounds like she could do with a good hug and, frankly, these days who couldn't? It's no wonder a director like Richard Curtis, who knows how to wring a tear from his audience, shows such cinematic addiction to the shabby hospitality of the airports arrival hall. How often does his camera linger on the happy faces of travellers wrapped in the welcoming arms of those for whom a safe return is the best reward? The sign of fellow humans locked in loving physical embrace, a display of affection unique to the Homo sapiens species, is enough to melt even the stoniest heart. Who among us doesn't feel a little bit wobbly when someone is moved to express their feelings towards us in a hearty clinch?
In many ways, watching human beings love each other, and I don't mean in an X-rated fashion, is the closest we get to understanding the glory of mankind. It's amazing how often an outward manifestation of affection can dissolve an argument, solve a stand-off or melt a seemingly stony heart. When European-style kissing flew in with the New Age Nineties, it briefly seemed possible that we were en route to becoming a more touchy-feely society. That physical Utopia failed to materialise, of course, and nowadays kissing someone on the cheek is as unlikely to denote true affection as finding yourself pelvis-to-pelvis on the tube. If you are old and alone and the recipient of an unsolicited hug, it's likely to be from someone trying to nick your handbag or relieve you of your phone.
That's the reality for many single people, too, and in a certain age group the explanation for such heightened levels of casual sex. Ironically, it's much easier in these sexualised days to get full-on intercourse than an expression of tenderness and affection. If you're a physically expressive person, or have a partner, children or close family, it's easy to forget how many single people there are who just long to be touched. It always strikes me most poignantly with older people who live alone. The lucky ones rely on grandchildren to clamber all over them and remind them of what another person's skin feels like next to theirs. But the old aren't the only group starved of physical affection. Your girlfriend could well be experiencing a heartfelt desire to be touched. If someone as close to her as you has reservations about giving her a comforting squeeze, it's unlikely that she's getting better treatment elsewhere. Something this seemingly insignificant can be a major contributor to all kinds of emotional woes. A yearning to be touched can compel a person towards the wrong sort of partner, contribute to them misreading signals and ultimately damage their hopes of relationship happiness.
The details you give in your letter are sketchy, but I suspect it would take very little warmth indeed to thaw your ice queen pal, and that's exactly her problem. Under her wafer-thin veneer beats a bubbling cauldron of desire for human interaction of a less cerebral kind. As her friend, it is worth trying to get below that frosty surface and thawing her out a bit. Even if it feels awkward, do start giving her hugs, grabbing her hand and showering her with a degree of warmth you might not normally expend on her. Confidence, security and a degree of self-contentment all contribute to making someone desirable. The more she feels secure in herself and loved by those around her, the clearer her attributes will become and the more likely she is to find someone.
· If you, too, have a dilemma, email mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk