(no subject)
I think its time to confide a deep-seated pang that has been making me wriggle with anxiety for the longest time. I have not felt comfortable with playing Etna at camp for a very long time... and lord knows I've been struggling with keeping her or not for a long time. As more time has passed, RPing with her just hasn't been very comfortable or enjoyable anymore. When I think about posting with her, I worry constantly of playing her poorly... or struggle with very low post counts when I shore up enough bravery to actually take the risk and let a post out there... or even ponder if my playing, my character, or my RP style is the reason why Etna doesn't really "connect" with people to be the amusingly annoying pain in the ass that she has the potential to be. I'm probably going to get yelled at for this but to me a greater part of RPing has always been being able to play with other people... and if that means I'm going to have to bend a character's personality a bit so that they'd make connections with people then I am going to be willing to take a few liberties in interpreting actions and behaviors. For this reason, I think there are certain aspects of her that I greatly enjoyed playing, like her snarky personality, her creative ingenuity, her bossiness, her devotion to her own causes, and being a pain in the butt... but other aspects that never really connected or been able to play as well, like her sadistic cruelty, her isolistic tendencies, and her pettiness. Yet she is not either one or the other of these... she's a combination of all these things... and many more subtle and insightful parts of her personality that she sparingly presents to the audience. She's a deeper person then what she presents herself as and I always tried to convey both sides of her personality... but perhaps I've done so mor ethen others.
I've had a lot of hurt come from this... as I play and post and interact I genuinely put part of myself into the character. I think and model and create and establish things for them. So perhaps in a way I make her too personal to my own actions. So that when people close their doors to her, in a way, it hurts much more then it probably should. And I worry about people watching and determining how I fall short of the grand gloriousness that their Etna is supposed to be. And I struggle to try to make connections win a group of people heavily set with their own community of people. And I seek out advice, suggestions and encouragement wherever I could. And I ponder potential posts and ideas and become extremely disheartened when my efforts fall. In the end the anxious feeling only built up worse... the feelings of being watch upon and gazed upon elevated to a sense that I fell short of everyone's expectations... which had only been further validated by the growing lack of response. It was also because of Etna that I experienced one of the most painful social interactions I have ever gone through online... one which rattled the very foundation of the people I have come to admire and like... anonymously. And become more and more anonymous... and further rifting myself needlessly from everybody.
So I suppose you may wonder why I am here... why I haven't dropped Etna off entirely. Well... I suppose this is in fact my appeal for validation... or for acceptance... or yet another chance that I don't truly deserve. Though I may have voiced concerns to the people I admire and who would listen... I rarely state such things in public like this. And the truth is I do love CFUD. I love the characters... and I love the quality and skill of the players... and I love being able to play my sassy-ass demon loli and terrorizing whoever crosses her way. If nothing results from it, that is fine. I have said what I have felt. My... anxiety, worry, fear and pain... as well as my hope, appreciation, desire to keep trying... to have a truly acceptable Etna t camp. And... I suppose... most of all to stop worrying and to start having fun with her again.
I've had a lot of hurt come from this... as I play and post and interact I genuinely put part of myself into the character. I think and model and create and establish things for them. So perhaps in a way I make her too personal to my own actions. So that when people close their doors to her, in a way, it hurts much more then it probably should. And I worry about people watching and determining how I fall short of the grand gloriousness that their Etna is supposed to be. And I struggle to try to make connections win a group of people heavily set with their own community of people. And I seek out advice, suggestions and encouragement wherever I could. And I ponder potential posts and ideas and become extremely disheartened when my efforts fall. In the end the anxious feeling only built up worse... the feelings of being watch upon and gazed upon elevated to a sense that I fell short of everyone's expectations... which had only been further validated by the growing lack of response. It was also because of Etna that I experienced one of the most painful social interactions I have ever gone through online... one which rattled the very foundation of the people I have come to admire and like... anonymously. And become more and more anonymous... and further rifting myself needlessly from everybody.
So I suppose you may wonder why I am here... why I haven't dropped Etna off entirely. Well... I suppose this is in fact my appeal for validation... or for acceptance... or yet another chance that I don't truly deserve. Though I may have voiced concerns to the people I admire and who would listen... I rarely state such things in public like this. And the truth is I do love CFUD. I love the characters... and I love the quality and skill of the players... and I love being able to play my sassy-ass demon loli and terrorizing whoever crosses her way. If nothing results from it, that is fine. I have said what I have felt. My... anxiety, worry, fear and pain... as well as my hope, appreciation, desire to keep trying... to have a truly acceptable Etna t camp. And... I suppose... most of all to stop worrying and to start having fun with her again.